Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m the wife of Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs, Trinity Naomi Tesla, that’s TNT, Yeggs, but most people call me Glyce, pronounced “Gliss,” since it is short for Nitroglycerin.  I explode when shaken.  My husband works homicide in the big city of Tracy.  His partner is Jim Wednesday.  Poached Yeggs works with him, too, but this time I am doing an investigation on my own.

You see, the doctors at T.R.U.S.T., that is the doctors that dispense medicine at Tracy Regional University for Science and Technology where I work, those doctors want me to try bed rest and have Pauline Niblick run the department until after my maternity leave is over.  I am an older pregnant lady, and they are being cautious.  I am doing a few lectures as part of distance learning, so that I can sit in a comfortable chair at home and talk to the class at the university.  The lag time makes it clunky, but it also means that I do not use up all my sick leave.  Who knows when the latest Yeggs will show up.

And maybe all that is making me a bit paranoid.  Pregnancy later than most.  Requested bed rest. And Blaise has been abnormally nice lately.

Sure, he changed a lot last year when we had him arrested and sent to the prison.  He was placed in a solitary confinement cell with Big Red McIntosh Apple, son of the crime boss, Red Delicious.  Sure, Empire Apple runs the Rotten Apple Gang, but only because Red Delicious allows him to do so. But Big Red became a Christian and he runs an in-prison ministry.  He scared Blaise straight.  Blaise has not used his sister as his guinea pig ever since in a science experiment.  He reads his Bible everyday, and he has tried to be good.

But trying and succeeding are two different things, and his behavior and attitude of late seem like the real Blaise was abducted by aliens and the aliens left a carbon copy robot in his place.

For example, I had a stack of boxes in my home office that needed to go back to the university.  I had been looking through old files to catch side effects of our therapy methods.  Since I was ordered on bed rest, it was best if I removed the temptation.  At one point, when Blaise and I were the only ones in the house, I muttered that I would have to wait until my husband, Dev, got home.  He would have to take the boxes to the car.  I could get the graduate assistants to empty them into our file room.  But then, I had to go to the bathroom as pregnant ladies often have to do.  When I came out, the boxes were gone.  I asked Blaise if he was pulling a prank, and he said to check the car.  He thought the box carrying fairy had helped me out.  And indeed, the boxes were in my SUV.  He had to have done it.  I do not believe in the box carrying fairy.

Now the gas fairy…  That’s different.  Every time Dev borrows my car, it is returned with a full tank of gas.  He always says, “I was too busy to go by the gas station and fill the tank.  It must have been the gas fairy.”  I love my husband and I trust him.  The gas fairy is real, but Blaise has never given me reason to trust him.

But then, this morning, I was taking Blaise and Sophie to Lily the Pink Enterprises to work with Aunt Tensie, who was home from the hospital.  Sophie was going to meet Em Dalton at lunch, so she was spending extra time making sure she was presentable.  Ummm.  I am not buying the idea that she and Emmett are “just friends,” but I play along.  Under normal circumstances, Blaise would have been in the SUV honking the horn, but he stood oddly next to the door to the garage.  As Sophie appeared, she seemed to curtsy as Blaise bowed and held the door open.  Sophie then stepped into the garage.  Blaise swiftly ran past her and held the car door open for her.  Again, the curtsy and bow thing.  Sophie was wearing a fairly long skirt and Blaise ensured she was buckled in with the seatbelt and her clothing was clear of the SUV door before he gently closed the door, ran around to his side and then entered the SUV himself.

This was doubly troubling.  No, make that triple trouble.  Blaise and Sophie have battled each other practically since Blaise was born.  Sophie has admitted that working with Aunt Tensie, they have learned how to work together, but until yesterday, Sophie would admit that she still did not like him.  Yesterday, she said she had finally seen Blaise’s good side and she announced she actually liked her little brother.  That is trouble number one.  Trouble number two is that he was being openly nice to his sister.  He has never done that.  That is trouble number two.  And Sophie expected the door to be opened.  She slowed at one point.  She waited at the other.  She waited and Blaise did something I had never seen him do.  Trouble three.

When there is a plague of politeness, something is wrong.  Blaise has either done something drastically wrong and he is covering up, or he wants something.  And from my vantage point, he must want something huge!  Or it could be the alien abduction thing.  Oddly, the alien abduction was my most comforting scenario.

My physical restrictions should have required me to drive straight home after dropping off the kids at Lily the Pink, but I went inside to talk to my sister-in-law, Pink Lady Apple Yeggs, married to Dev’s brother, Scrambled.

I asked, “Well, Sis, how is the Lily the Pink empire today?’

She laughed and pulled a strand of hair back over her ear.  She was usually well put together, but she looked a little off – not bad, but off.  “Naomi, I thought you were not supposed to walk around.  Sit.  I’ll have Sandy bring someone around with a wheelchair to take you back to your car, but once we sit, we can have a nice chat.”

We sat and caught up on the family gossip. Scrambled, Otto (formerly Rotten Yeggs, Scrambled’s oldest son from a different mother), and Mabel were expanding their territory at the bakery and their menu.  Mabel’s friends in the poor section of town were working out great.  They baked cookies and shipped them in the van back to Lily the Pink after the cakes, pies, donuts, etc. were shipped to Mabel’s friends.  Mabel had even set up a call center for phoned-in orders.  Otto and Zuzka were getting married in a couple of weeks.  And sadly, Pink’s son, the mayor of Tracy, had to postpone his marriage with Sandy.  They were thinking maybe the fall or a Christmas wedding.  Who knows, it might be Valentine’s Day.  Anna Hill was due about the same time I was and Pink had her set to be the plant manager of the satellite cider house in Washington state, but Zuzka was having contractor problems.  It was either going to result in a delay of the plant start-up or a delay in the wedding, so Anna Hill and the gang that is doubling the population of the company will all be staying a few months longer.  Zuzka is beside herself with grief.  She hates failing a project deadline.  And keep it a secret for another couple of weeks, but Pink is flying in Zuzka’s family for the wedding.  They have not seen each other except through video calls since Zuzka was abducted by human traffickers and sold to Baldwyn Apple, thus moving into Tracy and meeting Pink Lady.  But as for the expansion to the west coast, Pink Lady has reluctantly admitted it was too much change, too fast.  This construction delay actually has helped her relax.  It would be one thing that is scheduled for this summer that will not happen until later in the year.

I had been pregnant, and I was the head of a department at the university.  The end of the semester had many duties for me to deal with.  Catching up with my sister-in-law was wonderful, better than sitting in the recliner at home with the TV remote in my hand.

I changed the mood, “Pink, I am concerned about Blaise.  He is being polite lately.  He is going out of his way to be helpful.  It is like someone has replaced my son with a young gentleman.  Can you enlighten me as to what happened?  Has there been an alien abduction here recently?”

When she picked herself up off the floor from laughing so hard, she asked if I had a recent psychiatric evaluation, in that most people are happy when their son grows up, but then she got serious.  “As you know, Margie Justice, his girlfriend, has been working out with the water polo team.  The softball coach at school hates it, in that the arm motion is different and the coach is afraid she will injure her arm, but Margie is an accomplished athlete, just not the best of swimmers.  When she gets the techniques down, she may be a great player.  And this polite thing must be contagious.  She and Blaise have both been helpful, going out of their way to be kind to each other and kind to everyone they meet.  Margie had been aloof in social gatherings. She relates better to other athletes, but in a mixed crowd, she is quite the wallflower, until lately.  I’d say for the past ten days, ever since she and Blaise went to Poached and Callie’s house for a little training session on babysitting.  I have no idea why she insisted on taking the children over there when we have a full nursery here, but she said Dev knew about it.”

I replied, “I smell a rat.  Dev and I will talk about this tonight.”

Pink shook her head, “Or you can let it go and reap the benefits of a well-mannered son.”

I said, “Oh, Pink, you know those words were wasted when talking to me about such things.  I could never do that.”

She laughed and buzzed Sandy.  Missy came in and wheeled me to my SUV.

That night after the children went to bed, I asked Dev, “Honey, why is Blaise being polite lately?”

Dev said, “How would I know?  Just enjoy the peace his politeness affords us.  It has been over a week since we heard, ‘Mom! Do something about Blaise!  He’s bothering me again!’”

I replied, “But, Dev, he cleaned his room. Do you hear me? He cleaned his room! He doesn’t do that when he is told to do so.”

Dev shrugged, “That is a bit disturbing.”

“Pink says you know what happened when they visited Callie last week, Blaise and Margie that is.  Pink says Margie has been polite too, at least when she is around Lily the Pink Enterprises.  It all started after they got back from Callie’s warehouse home.  And the bad thing is that I knew Blaise was going to see Callie.  Roman Justice knew his daughter was going.  But we did not know the other was going.  Margie had made that announcement that she was determined to have Blaise and her find a quiet place and get naked together.  Please, tell me that did not happen at that warehouse Poached and Callie live in.  It had once been a place where porn films were made.  Please, Dev, tell me that we do not have a teenaged pregnancy on our hands.  Callie is a professor and researcher in the Biology department, Dev!  BI-O-LO-GY!”

“You were misinformed by Pink, dear,” Dev assured me. “Callie said that she would not tell me her plan.  So, I know nothing, except that she would do everything within her power to keep them from getting naked.  She just saw the determination in Margie’s eyes to do the wrong thing.  She felt the wrong thing was inevitable if someone did not take action.  She said if her idea did not work, we should have an intervention with the girl and seek counseling, but not you as you are the mother of the boy she wants to defile.  And besides, biology may be the department, but she is an ornithologist.”

“Yeah, halfway to the birds and the bees!”

Dev came over and gave me a bear hug.  He squeezed a bit harder than he normally did.

“Dev, I will not quit asking questions until I know what happened with Callie.  And you need to quit trying to squeeze the life out of me.  Blaise does not have a special technique that puts Margie to sleep.  You cannot grasp his technique by squeezing harder.  Any harder and you’ll push the baby out.  I think the reason that I do not fall asleep is because you are hugging me to keep me from exploding.  I am calm now.  I am still determined to talk to Callie, but I am calm.  Thank you for the hug, but Sweetie, Margie is just upset when Blaise hugs her, not ready to explode.  And she does not resist the sleep.  She gets calm, all warm inside, just like I do with your hugs, and she feels safe in a Blaise bear hug.  So, her reaction is to fall asleep.  That’s it.  No special technique.”

Dev growled, like a bear, “So, you are saying that I will never know how he does it?”

With my head buried in his chest, I nodded.

The next day, I invited Callie over to the house for a lovely chat.  I prepared tea and had Otto run over with fresh donuts and scones.  She did not suspect my interrogation.  She brought Scarlet Ibis with her.  I had guessed that little Ibie, as she was called, would lose her red hair, making the name a bit awkward, but she just had more of it and it seemed even redder.  We played with her for a little while and then after a healthy feeding, Ibie was off to sleep so that Callie and I could talk.  We talked about a lot of things.  Since she was a professor at the university, a researcher in bird migration changes due to habitat destruction, and a new mother, we could have talked for days without bringing up the subject that was my top priority, and luckily Callie asked, “How has Blaise been doing now that he is out of school, having become exempt from all his exams?”

That gave me my opening.  “He has been in a great mood.  He is usually bored silly for the first month after he no longer goes to classes.  But this year, he has been a totally different person.  Totally!! He is keeping his room tidy.  He opens doors for me and his sister.  Sophie even expects him to do so now.  She’ll wait for him.  He opens the door and bows.  She gives him a quick curtsy in return.  He insists we hold hands while saying the blessing at meals and he prays out loud for the blessing of the food.  All these changes since he went to your house last week to learn how to burp a baby.  Coincidence?  I doubt it.  Do you have any idea how he became so transformed overnight?”

I batted my eyelashes and smiled.  Callie choaked on a mouthful of tea.

I asked, “Did it go down the wrong way?  Do you want me to help?  After all, you have helped so much by having the real Blaise abducted by aliens and gave us a much more polite Blaise in return.”

Callie continued to cough.  Finally, she was able to speak.  “I am sorry, Aunt Naomi.  I told Uncle Dev that I had some ideas about helping Margie and I wanted them both over at the same time to do it.  Margie was traumatized by the hazing in the girl’s locker room.  As volatile as the parents were getting in the room, Margie was even more convinced she needed to even the playing field and do what she said she would do with Blaise behind closed doors, with no supervision.”

“So, Callie, did you let them do what she suggested she would do, but with you supervising?”

“Aunt Naomi, no one got naked, although when I started talking to them about it, Margie was delighted to go through with it even with me as a chaperone.  She had not wish to go any further than she said, but I told her I had other ideas, and their clothing could stay on.”

“I am sure that went over like a lead balloon.  How did you maintain their interest?”

“I first set definitions.  What Margie was exposed to was sex in its rawest form, no making love at all.  It was a power play, you got some physical enjoyment in return for playing the game by the terms of the girl in charge.  The older girls dominated, making peer pressure worse.  You had to throw away any moral leanings to stay in the game.  I also defined love as an extension of respecting one another.  That is why both of them have extended their politeness to others.  I am extremely pleased to hear that.  We are not told to love only our mate.  We are told to love everyone, even our enemies, and loving our enemies is the first step toward them not being enemies.  Blaise being polite to Sophie must have been a shock at first.  Margie’s Mom, Jah-Rae, called me and thanked me in that Margie is far less combative and rebellious with her, and she washes the dishes even though she has never been asked to do so.  That was her older sister, Fran, who did the dishes.”

“But, Callie, just telling them to be nice does not change them overnight.  And it does not change that strong-willed determination within Margie to do something she should not be doing.”

Callie looked at her cup of tea as if the answers were swimming in the tea.  “No, Aunt Naomi, I taught them proper love making, but only what was politely acceptable.”

“You did what?!”

“I taught them the bases concept.  You know first base, second, third, homer.  But I stopped at first base when talking about the ‘how-to’ stuff.”

“I am supposed to take this calmly when you taught my son how to neck with his girlfriend, when they are both underaged?!”

Callie put down her cup.  “I was trying to distract them from the idea of getting naked and touching or even kissing each other’s body parts with no one around to tell them when to stop!  I do not think you would have wanted that for either of them.”

I groaned, “But I hate this bases analogy.  Every ball player wants to score; thus every lover wants to score.  Restricting them to first base makes no sense.”

Callie smiled, “But Margie is a softball player.  In the shower incident, she got to a tame version of third base immediately, touching but not doing anything about the touching.”

I cleared my throat, “She held on tight, and we have no idea if she stopped there.  We only have her word for it.”

Callie nodded, “I think we can trust her.  When I defined second base and third base, I asked her if she had done anything wrong, as in softball rules.  She shook her head, but then she stopped.  She said, ‘I missed second base.  If the other team tagged the base, I would have been out.’  Then I asked why she got to third, but the two boys were both standing on second base at the same time.  Why did she get special treatment?  Then Margie said that one of the boys would be called out with two on the same base, and then she thought about it some more and thought her getting ahead of the boys was not very good sportsmanship.”

I started chuckling, “You introduced rules from the ballgame and had her apply them to the sex game.  The contradictions and rule violations caused her to rethink the incident then?”

Callie nodded with a smile.  “I then pressed her to admit that a ‘game’ without proper rules was not worth playing.  Then I taught them … no, wait.  Before we ever started, we legitimately had lessons on changing diapers, feeding the baby, including testing the milk for the right temperature, and burping the baby.  They will be good babysitters.  But Ibie is stubborn when it comes to burping.  She will fuss and fuss.  She is in pain, but she does not like to burp, unless you do it right.  Then, we talked about running the bases of love making, and then I explained that if we stuck to first base, we never had to take off any clothing.  I wanted to imprint on their minds that getting naked is not necessary in showing their love for each other.  I explained how kissing various parts of the face could be romantic, even erotic.  They both tried kissing each others noses and determined that was not a good way to kiss, period.  But ear nibbling was Blaise’s favorite, and then kissing the neck caused Margie to lose it.  She shrieked in delight.  We laughed, and they experimented, making sure nothing went below the neck.”

I was puzzled, “But how did this go from making out and necking to a contest as to who could be more polite?”

“Simple, Aunt Naomi, when one said they did not like that kiss or nibble very much, the other had to agree and then not do it again.  Margie even told Blaise once that she thought one kiss was too close to the shoulder, and he needed to stay on the neck.  They were policing each other.  Then, I stopped their experimentation, which I understand is one of Blaise’s favorite things to do…”

I nodded, “Oh, too much of a favorite thing, at Sophia’s expense usually.”

Callie nodded, “So then we started brain storming ways that we could be polite to other people, not just our main squeeze.  I used that term to even avoid boyfriend, girlfriend.  It fits in well with Blaise giving her bear hugs.  They then had to explain who in their lives benefited from that changed behavior.  At one point, Blaise said that he had done the wrong thing for so many years, he had a lot of making up to do.  Maybe he will develop these new habits, or he could get bored with it and gravitate back to what you might think is normal.  If I benefit from his kindness, I am going to thank him and make sure he is encouraged to do even more kindnesses.  Blaise accepted Jesus not long ago.  Seeing how far he still has to go to even be moderately good is a big step, but being encouraged to be even better is a bigger step.”

I groaned, “Callie, I have a child in college.  Your first is in diapers, and you have taught me a lot about parenting this afternoon.  Thank you.”

At that moment, the front door opened, and I heard a familiar voice.  Our eldest said, ”Hey, Mom, I brought home laundry.  We may be heading out in about a week, but we had to return and make sure our college credits are all recorded properly.”

Another voice, an older voice, came from outside.  “Easy!  Is that any way to talk to your mother?”

Credits

I was the recipient of the benefits of the gas fairy, but then again, anything less than half a tank of gas made my wife extremely nervous.  I had rescued her when our van ran out of gas.  There was a double gas tank, but the gas gage only indicated the first half of our gasoline supply.  I would estimate the gas at that point based on normal fuel consumption.  But when she did a bunch of errands all over town, and the adjacent towns one day, she ran out of gas.  Thus, she filled the tank often, as soon as the gage read a quarter of a tank, knowing all the time we had a couple hundred miles left until the van was empty.  And she swore she never topped off the tanks.  It was always the gas fairy.