Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I am Mashie Niblick.  I am presently employed as the greenskeeper of the Hoity Toity Golf and Monopoly Club in Tracy.  My other employment is as an agent for a government alphabet organization that gathers intelligence around the world. My wife, Pauline, and I are usually the people that welcomes a spy who was coming out from deep cover.  This time, an old flame was going to knock on my door soon.  Pauline said that if she made a pass at me, she was as good as dead, but Pauline would not hurt a fly.  I am sure those were simply words of false bravado.

My boss, Hugh McAdoo, had spent some time with my old flame, Anyuta, trying to reverse the false information she thought to be true.  Lester, her husband, had gone off his rocker.  He defected.  Pauline and I pieced that together when we brought him out of deep cover.  Hugh decided to leave him in the game, passing false information to him.  Lester was smart.  When he figured out Hugh’s plan, he set up my first home on the Hoity Toity Golf Club as a bomb, big enough to kill a lot of people.  Lester’s plan was that Hugh would come to the rescue and Lester had partnered with the Rotten Apple Gang, the local organized crime of Tracy, to ambush Hugh when he arrived.  Hugh was wise to the plan.  And when we entered my old home, the Hobbit Hole, we found that the booby traps had not been tied into the explosives yet, and Lester was in the home, strapped to a chair, dead.

That left his wife, Anyuta, who I had recruited as a spy in Latvia years earlier.  I had fallen in love with her, and we were going to marry after the last Latvian operation.  We were about to wrap up the investigation of a Latvian smuggler and gun runner known as the Devil, but another agent, Willard Millard Fillmore betrayed my plan.  Anyuta was captured and tortured before I could free her.  Then, Lester was the psychologist who swooped in to plant false information into Anyuta.  She ended up hating me and marrying Lester.  Secretly, Lester had also been turned.  The Devil escaped to Tracy and that is why I played the role of an unemployed homeless guy who would help the greenskeeper in exchange for a free round of golf every now and then.  I helped people around the Hoity Toity club find things.  And I became a confidential informant for Deviled Yeggs in case his investigation included the rich, famous, or infamous of Tracy, in other words, the snobby members at the Hoity Toity Club.

But after the Devil was captured, and later Lester was found dead, surrounded by the largest bomb you ever saw, that left one last problem in the story, the girl I had asked to marry me.  I wanted Pauline with me, but with her boss, Trinity Naomi Tesla (TNT) Yeggs out on maternity leave, I rarely saw her during daylight hours and at night she was Mommy to our New Years Baby, Baffy Niblick.  I know, I know.  Baffy and Niblick do not go together.  A Baffie, or Baffing Spoon, is an ancient recovery wood, like a modern 7-Wood (although most are metal these days).  A Niblick is roughly a 9-iron.  So blending a wood and an iron is a little off, but we stuck to the ancient golf club names.

Now that I have caught you up on stories you might find by searching for “Mashie Niblick” …

The doorbell rang.

I opened the door and a familiar face greeted me. “Raimonds, you have a nice tan.  You look healthy.  Do not step away.  I will not spit on you this time.”

I replied, “That’s good to hear, and it’s Mashie Niblick.  You know, the ancient golf club name for a 7-iron, halfway between a Mashie and a Niblick.”

Anyuta was disinterested, “I do not understand golf.  The ancient game or the modern game.  And when you played your part as Raimonds, I did not picture you as a golfer, one who spends all day with rich people, looking down on the poor.  Raimonds had a mission to protect those less fortunate, but when I became less fortunate, you were not there to protect.”

I nodded, “And after helping the Devil, who was known as George Smythe at the Hoity Toity Club, go to prison, along with Willard Millard Fillmore, we tried to wrap up the rest of the gang in Tracy.  They settled here since there was a large Latvian community here.  They could hide better in a crowd.  But I still feel guilty that there were two moles in the organization who tricked both you and me.  I am usually good at seeing through the evil intentions of others.”

Anyuta placed a hand to my face, “But your judgment was clouded by your love for me.  Huey Patootie said you broke one of the cardinal rules of an agent, in getting romantically involved.  I am over that now.  And sadly, I am over you.  Lester was a mistake, but now I have a new home in the Latvian community.  Only one problem, ummm, Mashie.  Due to the nature of the torture, I can never have children.”

I replied, “First, you need a boyfriend.  Have you been attending the Latvian Club?  I know many of the members.  A few of them are at the golf club, but since I am friends with Jim Wednesday with the Tracy Police, his wife, Tuesday Wednesday, is a member and they invite Pauline and I for some social events.”

“Tuesday Wednesday is such a silly name.  Her name was Velga before.  That name has character.  Tuesday, silly.”

“And Hugh says you are dating someone?”

Anyuta blushed, “Yes, his name is Lawrence Bedanov.  His great grandparents were among the first Latvian settlers in Tracy.  He is one hundred percent American, played football and baseball in high school.  And he owns the family farm implement business.”

I joked, “With a name like Bedanov, I wonder why his family did not make mattresses or pillows or something.”

“You joke, Mashie Niblick, I am shame for you.”

“That should be ‘I am ashamed of you, but while I am on thin ice already, have you bedanov’ed Mr. Bedanov?”

She huffed, “I had been told you were a gentleman now, but you are sounding like the playful rebel I knew in Latvia.  Which person are you?  Raimonds or Mashie Niblick?”

“I apologize.  A gentleman never kisses and tells, and his lady should not either.” I said. “Which brings me to why Hugh, or what you call him Huey Patootie, wanted me to talk to you about.  It is confirmed by our medical experts that you have been damaged so that you cannot get pregnant.  But you refuse to consider adoption, that is if you marry again.”

Anyuta had tears in her eyes. “It not same.”

“But you told Pauline on the flight here to the USA that you wanted to settle down and adopt.”

“That was Lester’s plan.  I have experienced the baseball, the apple pie, but I can never give birth.  Can I love an adopted child?”

“Anyuta, that is my reason for inviting you over.  I have some friends that you already know in the kitchen.”

“I have heard about your kitchen.  It has been featured on some television shows.  I hear it is huge.”

I replied, “I like to experiment in the kitchen and Pauline has been known for throwing frying pans, and having more room in which to run, she has not hit me yet.”

Anyuta said, “When I come back while she is here, I will slow you down.  I am sure she has good aim.”

I nodded, “Pauline is quite the athlete.”

When we walked into the kitchen, Jim and Tuesday Wednesday were there with their entire brood.  Anyuta exclaimed, “Tuesday, I heard you had children, but I did not know so many.  And, they all are very different.”

Tuesday nodded, “Our oldest is Thursday Wednesday.  He just finished pre-K.  Right, Sweetie?”

Thursday said, “I start kindergarten in the Fall.  I’m a big kid.  The others are just babies.”

Jim said, “And Friday Wednesday is almost as big as you are.  You are going to have to respect your siblings.”

Thursday rolled his eyes. “Yes, sir, but I will always be the oldest.”

Jim then introduced the others.  “Next is our son, Friday.  He’s a year behind Thursday, but they are about the same size.  But Friday’s twin sister, Saturday, is our little peanut.  Then the baby is Holiday.”

Anyuta said, “But they are all different colors.  They cannot all be your children.”

Tuesday chuckled, “But they are.  I solved the murder of the first three children’s birth mother, and I fell in love with them.  They each have different fathers, but that should not have gotten their mother killed.  I finally changed my name and convinced Jim here that I was the only one he ever needed.  We did not think I could get pregnant, but then Holiday came along.  Holiday is our natural child, but all four are our children.  They have lived with us for four years, that is except Holiday.  It does not matter who gave them birth or who impregnated the birth mother.  They all call me Mommy.”

Anyuta looked at the baby carrier, “And who is this one?”

I answered, “That’s Baffy Niblick, Pauline’s and my miracle child.  The doctors told us that neither of us could have a child, but miracles do happen.  With you, there is no longer the necessary things to have a child, but in our case, we threw caution to the wind and kept trying.”

Anyuta patted me on the shoulder, “And I am sure you worked hard into the night with your solemn task.”

Jim and Tuesday stifled a laugh.  We suddenly heard a noise behind us.  George and Jochebed Evident came into the room with Asha.  They were followed by Tyler and Anna Hill with Resurrection and Esther.

George said, “We were told there was going to be a clown, but all we see here is Jim Wednesday!”

Jim corrected him, “Very funny!  And to you, that is Detective Sergeant Jim Wednesday, Detective.”

George retorted, “Can I help it if Tracy was desperate for a detective sergeant, and you had more time in grade than anyone else?”

Jochebed nudged her newlywed husband, “Can you two behave?  And no talking police business.  This is a birthday party for Thursday.”

There was a knock at the back door and Deviled Yeggs and his crowd entered, along with boyfriends and girlfriends, whether unofficially or officially that status or not.  That is all the family except for Easter, but if Easter was not there, why did Jemima come with them?

Then the strangest looking clown they had ever seen came into the room with two other strange looking clowns.  All of them looked like clouds, with lightning coming out of them.  One boy clown and two girl clowns.  They rolled in some huge crates.  One of the girl clowns started making balloon animals for the children.  The other girl clown got Thursday to make a cloud inside a jar.  The boy clown made a tornado in a jar, and the children all got to try to do that.  The boy clown pulled out a Van der Graaf generator and made a little lightning.  Then he had the children place their hands on the generator so that their hair would stand up.  Then the boy clown made lightning, at least a little spark with a balloon and some wool.

Of course, the three clowns were Easter Yeggs, Mary Sheltie, and Dr. Elvira Quinn and they had raided the T.R.U.S.T. STEM experiments with which the university went to all the elementary schools and preschools.  It might look like magic, but in a few years, the little children would learn it was all weather science, except for the balloon animals, and who knew Mary Sheltie knew how to do that?!

Afterwards, I pulled Anyuta aside.  “See, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are just kids having fun with their parents.  Asha is adopted, but not even by Jochebed and George.  Jochebed is acting as the wet nurse until the adoptive mother returns around Thanksgiving, we hope.  And I hear that the wandering adoptive parents have already added a little boy from India, a long story for another day.  And you can see that Tyler and Anna are expecting, any day now, but they have two children from Africa.  The children’s birth parents were killed by a raiding party, targeting Christians.”

“Lawrence wants me to go to church with him.  I do not know about such things.”

“Go, Anyuta.  Regardless of what the secular world says, you will find love there.  And of all these children, Resurrection is the only one that remembers his birth parents.  Anna and Tyler remind him often so he does not forget.”

Resurrection heard his name and came over.  “Mr. Mashie, I would like to present to your lady a special gift.”

“Resurrection, this is my friend, Anyuta.  My special ‘lady’ is working late at the office.”

Resurrection gave me a knowing laugh, too much “knowing” for a pre-school child, but Resurrection had been through a lot in his few years.

Resurrection placed a small fruit in Anyuta’s hand.  It looked like some granular substance had been sprinkled on it.  He said, “This is a happy fruit.  Eat it and you will smile.”

Anyuta asked, “Is it safe?”

Resurrection laughed, “Mrs. Jochebed, she runs the nursery at our preschool.  She fix this happy fruit special for you.”

I nodded, “It is as safe as any witch doctor potion can be.  At least, not poisonous and all natural ingredients.  Just may not be approved by the FDA yet.”

Anyuta was skeptical, but she took a bite.  She started to snicker.  “It goes straight to your head!  Thank you, Resurrection.  This was a wonderful gift.”

Resurrection laughed and ran back to play with the others.

Anyuta looked at me and nodded, “This place is filled with loving parents and loving children.  When I date Lawrence tomorrow, we can talk about adoption as an option.  And, yes, I will go to church with Lawrence on Sunday.  He teaches an adult Sunday school class at the First-Third Metho-Presby church.”

I winked, “I know.  Pauline and I attend the class.  He has mentioned you a couple of times.  I think he may be smitten.”  Then I saw a very young couple in the corner kissing.  “Hey, you two, no hiding in the corner, kissing.”

Blaise said, “Oh, come on!  It was just a peck on the cheek!”  And Margie added, “And we’ve done all these science experiments in STEM.”

I nodded, “Yeah, but no advanced science experiments behind your parents’ backs.”  The two love birds laughed, but they went back to the little kids to help those that did not quite have the manual dexterity yet to get things working with their experiments.

Anyuta sighed, “Young love.  I was young once myself.  I feel younger, just being with these children, or is it the happy fruit?”

I shrugged, “You’d have to ask Jochebed about that one.”

Credits

I once knew someone who had a girlfriend in West Germany.  She travelled to Berlin but was daydreaming and she drove past Checkpoint Charlie.  She then panicked and drove nearly to the Polish border before being pulled over by the East German police.  It should have been obvious that she was not a spy, but they violated every body cavity to see if she was “hiding a weapon or secret information.”  This was just an inspection, bordering on interrogation.  Far less than torture, so I could imagine they could and would do such things as this story states about Anyuta.

While a van der Graaf generator may be more for the older children, a high schooler could easily make one.  The other experiments mentioned, and many more, can easily be used for introducing the weather and science to preschoolers or elementary school classes, maybe through STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math).