Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Easter Yeggs, son of Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs and Dr. Trinity Naomi Tesla, that’s TNT, Yeggs, PhD and many other initials, but most people call her Glyce, pronounced “Gliss,” since it is short for Nitroglycerin. She explodes when shaken.

Mom, Dad, think this through.  If you get this, I am still okay.  The storm went through rapid intensification before landfall.  We are in a safe place, but not very comfortable.  We may even lose power.  We will also be stuck while the waters recede.  That might take a week, and then we might have to help clear roads just to have a path out of here.  Don’t worry.  Before the storm hit, I stocked up with fuel and food.  As long as we have satellite connections and generator power, I can keep these e-mails coming.  We relocated from the coast.  We moved upriver to a private house that we rented.  I’ll start the report with our chatter before the last on-location report.

Dr. Quinn asked, “Mary, where is Joseph and his crew?”

Mary huffed, “They are smarter than we are.  They are in Perry, Florida.  They are safe, and the areas where we were this morning are supposed to be evacuated.  We just pray everyone got the message and heeded the evacuation orders.  It’s an older community, retirees who just want to go fishing.  The police were going door to door and checking on people that needed oxygen and vehicles with hydraulic lifts for wheelchairs.  But if they are not out now, it’s too late.”

Dr. Quinn asked, “Is your script ready?  This is one take of you in deep water and then we bug out for the house.  I don’t know how Dr. Kildare knows people in Tenille, Florida.  Probably a snowbird from Tracy.  We lucked out there.  We have a house exceeding code that is 25ft above sea level.  But for now, you are going to get wet.  You have your wet suit.  I’m not sure about those hip waders, but we have you on a harness and Easy can pull you in using the winch if necessary.”

Mary gave her the thumbs up.  “Script is on the teleprompter, well-practiced anyway.  To explain to the small markets that are already on board, I’ll talk about everything up to now, the latest down river.  And then maybe tomorrow, we might come back to see if we can even get back to where we were last night.”

Mary then exited the Turtle.  I had gotten some friends to create a video camera mount for the passenger side door.  We could not ride a long distance with it attached, but we were only going about a mile, and slowly.  Mary walked toward the boat ramp.  What would have normally been dry ground was up to her waste in water.”

Mary started, “Many people may be confused in the name of the hurricane.  There are two hurricane naming lists.  This hurricane started in the Pacific Ocean.  The hurricane turned and went across southern Mexico.  If it had lost tropical characteristics, it would have been given a new name when it regained tropical storm strength in the Gulf of Mexico.  Since it retained tropical characteristics, it keeps its Pacific storm name.  Due to rapid intensification in the warm waters of the Gulf, it made landfall about thirty minutes ago.  We are several miles inland, but you can already see the storm surge here.  I would normally be standing with a few feet down to the water.  This quadrant of the storm will have the greatest storm surge and highest winds.  We will also have the greatest chance of spin-up tornadoes.  They will probably not last long enough to chase them.  We will do whatever recon that we can tomorrow.  For the people in Steinhatchee and Jena, Florida, we pray those people all evacuated.  If you did not, Deadman Bay may claim more reasons for its name.  Lazy Island is underwater.  Deadman Bay funneled the water from storm surge first.  Then the river narrows.  There may be little left of the area by now.  This is a monster storm.  Reporting from Hurricane Frank in Steinhatchee, Monstrous storm surge.  Mary Sheltie reporting.”

With the report made, Mary asked me to reel her in slowly.  She was just too tired to walk out of the waste deep water.  The hip waders sounded good, but if the wind had knocked her over, they could have filled with water and sunk her.  As it was, she had no strength to walk on her own.  When I got her close enough, I got out and picked her up and carried her to the Turtle.  I had picked out the vantage point, a boat dock with no trees near the road so we could affect an exit without getting stuck.

When we got back to the house, Dr. Quinn suggested that Mary and Jemima go in to shower first.  Dr. Quinn wanted to work with me to prepare the Turtle for the night.

Before Mary went inside, she said, “I think something was wrong in that report.  It did not feel right.”

Dr. Quinn assured her, “Home Wrecker, you gave the report of a lifetime.  You will be a star.  This has got to go out.  You are too tired to get out there again, and the storm is getting too close.  Easy and I will be inside soon.”  Dr. Quinn had already prepared the video for transmission.  In a few minutes, we were inside in the living room.  I had also gotten a remote for the skirts.  We found the highest ground we could find and deployed the skirts and anchors.  That way, no wind could get underneath the Turtle to carry it away.

I asked, “How long do you think it will take Mary before she figures out what it sounded like she said?”

Doc Seductress shrugged, “I am thinking we will hear screams soon, but she’s tired.  I hope she doesn’t figure it out until tomorrow.  She did a great job of delivering the line though.”

I laughed, “Yep.  Reporting from Hurricane Frankenstein, hatching monster storm surge.  Mary Sheltie reporting.  With the wind causing a little popping with the microphone, the recording might sound like she said Mary Shelley.”

Dr. Quinn laughed, “I was on the television side for a long time, well, long enough, and that report is going to get traction.  I’m thinking it might go viral.  A lot of people will want a copy.  I hope the Communications department at T.R.U.S.T. is ready for that.  We are Tracy Regional University for Science and Technology.  We better be ready.”

I swallowed hard, “But when Mary figures it out, she is going to be angry.  She will think it unprofessional.”

Doc Seductress shook her head.  “She’ll get over it when the phone calls start flooding in.”  After a long pause as we sat in recliners, I thought Doc Seductress had gone to sleep.  I closed my eyes.  Then she said, “You don’t mind if I start getting ready for my shower, do you?  That is if the two young ladies left me any hot water.”

I shrugged, still with my eyes closed.  But when her pants were tossed on my head, I jumped up.  “Wait!  No.  I wasn’t thinking about my answer.  No getting naked, please!”

Doc Seductress laughed, “Those were just my outer clothes.  I still have a wetsuit on and a swimsuit underneath.  I was prepared to make the report if Mary was too tired.  Besides, this was a test of your fidelity.”  But then she started crying.  “But, I could sure use a bear hug.  Your Dad isn’t here.  Could you try?”

I shrugged, “I guess so.  I have never tried before.  Stinker and I hug, but not with a tight grip.”

As we hugged, and Doc Seductress continued to softly cry, Jemi came into the room.

Jemi, aka Stinker, started talking in the hallway.  “Doc Seductress, Mary wants to try a new voiceover for the shot.  She thinks people might think she said Frankenstein.”  Then she walked into the room. “What are you two doing?  Dr. Quinn, that is my fiancée and you’re half naked?!”

We unclenched.  Doc Seductress said, “I can explain.”

“You can try but I saw what I saw, with the guy I was going to marry up to a few seconds ago!”

Doc Seductress rolled her eyes. “Please, Stinker, I still have two layers on that would count as outer clothing.  Yes, I seduced your fiancée into giving me a hug.  I needed a hug.  Do you realize when I was last with a man?”

Jemi huffed, “Yeah, Easy and I listened to you moaning all night long.  Now, you want to go it with Easy?!”

Doc Seductress shook her head, “No.  I did not wish to harm the relationship that you two have, but until I accepted Jesus, I had an active social calendar.  Between this extended storm chasing season and my new life, I have not had any dates at all.  To make it worse, the more I study the Bible and try to change my life, the more a voice inside me says to settle down.  I am getting long in the tooth.  I have no idea if I can have children, but it’s like what Naomi told Ruth.  There is little hope of finding someone to marry and then the baby making takes time.  The church where I go when I am in Tracy has no eligible bachelors near my age.”

Jemi was still tapping her foot with her arms crossed.  “Yeah, Easy and I are members of the church where you attend.  My Dad is the pastor.  That still doesn’t excuse you trying to hump my boyfriend.  And if he tries anything like that again, he’ll get demoted to mild acquaintance.”

Doc Seductress started crying again.  “Please, no, Stinker.  Easy told me to stop.  I begged for a bear hug.  It is all on me.”

I moved to Jemi’s side and offered a hug.

“Okay, you big idiot, but you are on probation.  No more hugging a half-naked boss,” Jemi said and then she accepted my hug.

Mary walked into the living room combing her hair.  “Did I just hear that Easy was hugging Doc Seductress and she is half naked?!  Please, can you reenact that?  I missed the whole thing!”

We all said, “No!”

Stinker then said, “No, if I can trust these two.  It was an innocent hug, and you can see that Doc Seductress still has her wetsuit on.  And it sounds like we have a new side project.  Find a husband for the Doc.”

Doc Seductress exploded, “NOOO!  No project.  No match making.”

Mary smiled, “But we can pray.  We prayed earlier this year and then Joseph fell into my life.  The same thing will happen to you.”

Doc Seductress sat back down in her recliner, “But I have that curse of being a lot older.  In many circles, I have a reputation of being a wild woman, video to prove it, nothing in the bedroom, but the late night movie with the Seductress of the Night is bad enough.  And do you realize we can only count a couple of weeks this year that, not counting Mary, we have been in Tracy.  I no longer have a social life.”

I asked, “What about Dr. Ben Casey?”

Doc Seductress growled, “He only slept with me on the road.  Whenever we returned to Tracy, he almost refused to talk to me.  That is beyond awkward when we are in the same department at the university, and we sit next to each other at staff meetings.  And since Geoffrey lost his position at Trust, Dr. Ben Casey has been heading the other team.  He is never in Tracy either.  In lulls between storms, we have been recording lectures so that Dr. Kildare and the graduate assistants don’t have to do all the classes without any help.  We are desperate for another professor in the department.  That is part of why Dr. Kildare wanted us to launch our television network.  We need the exposure and the cash.”

Mary said, “Thinking of exposure, did Stinker tell you that I want to redo the last shot.  Maybe a voice over?”

Doc Seductress smiled, “Home Wrecker, oops, maybe I am Home Wrecker now.  Umm.  We’ll work on code names later.  The spot has already been uploaded to the cloud.  By the time you wake up, your name will be famous.”

Mary started crying, “For the wrong reasons!”

I said, “No, Mary.  We are the only ones who reported that close to the Steinhatchee River.  If we did not have this house, we would be south of here in Cross City or north in Perry.  Yes, those places can be devastated by the storm, but we were at the best spot.  If Steinhatchee had a more sturdy structure and a parking garage, we might have stayed, but like you reported, there may be nothing left, at least nothing that isn’t severely damaged.  We got shots from Steinhatchee before we left.  When we can get back there, we can get the after shots and do some comparison videos.  And besides, who said there was no such thing as bad publicity?”

Mary said, “P. T. Barnum, but he ran a circus!  I don’t want to be the clown!!”

I shrugged, “Maybe I should have thought that argument through a little better.”

Doc Seductress said, “And, young lady, I think this is good for your career and our new network.  I have been in the television side of things for a while, and this may lead to growth of our brand.  Trust me.  After all, I work for a university with the name trust.”

Mary just rolled her eyes.

Then there was a knock at the door.  Jemi asked, “Who would be crazy enough to be out on a night like this?  I’ll turn on the porch light.  We don’t need to open the door to crazy people.  Oh, dear, there is a guy out here with a pregnant woman.  Should I?”

Doc said, “Sure, they can’t stay outside in a storm.”

Jemi opened the door, but four people entered, one man and three women.  The one that was pregnant was wearing a dress, but the other three wore wet T-shirts and cut-off blue jeans.

The man said, “I’m Darrell.  This is Mary Jo.  She was staying with us after her boyfriend, Billy Bob, run off with the RV this morning.  Then Mary Jo started having abominable pains and her water broke.  We was taking her to Perry to the hospital, but about a mile up the road, the road is barricaded off.  We saw the light on, so we took a chance.  We need someone to deliver the baby.  We ain’t gonna get to a different hospital in time, especially not with this weather.  The wind and rain are horrible out there.”

I asked, “Doc, what do you think?”

Darrell said, “You’re a doctor?  That’s great!”

Dr. Quinn said, “I have a PhD in meteorology.  I chase storms.  I am not a medical doctor.  These three are my students and fellow storm chasers.”

Mary Jo said, “You don’t have to chase a hurricane.  It finds you.  Can you deliver my baby?”

Dr. Quinn hesitated, “Stinker, go heat up some water, as many pots as you can find.  Easy, get your aunt, Pink Lady, on the phone and get Jochebed.  We could call the medical center, but Jochebed has acted as a midwife in worse conditions than this.  Virgin Mary, you and I will scrub up.  We have no gloves for this kind of thing.  We’ll just try to be clean.”

I called Aunt Pink and she put me on speaker.  She buzzed Missy and Missy got Jochebed to the phone, but it took a while.  In the meantime, we got Mary Jo in a recliner and reclined it as far as it would go.  We also learned who the other two ladies were.  One was Darrell’s sister, Emma Rae.  The other was Darrell’s girlfriend, Sally Mae.  Not that I should have been looking, but both of them had very large breasts and fairly fit bodies.  After all, with wet T-shirts and nothing underneath, it was rather obvious.  They reminded me of women superheroes in the comic books, shapely, but unnaturally shapely.  Then one of them admitted that they all three of them worked at a gentleman’s club in Dixie County.  The road south of Cross City was blocked by trees blown over in a spin-up tornado.  Perry was their next choice, but they should have gone east and then north to Gainesville.

With Jochebed on the phone, Dr. Quinn asked why everyone asked for warm water when delivering a baby.  Jochebed said that warm water reduces the production of some pain hormones while increasing pain blocking hormones.  With that, they placed her in the tub, in warm water until it looked like the baby was about to come.

As we waited and tracked time between compressions, Mary Jo decided to stay in the tub.  They tried to drain the tub, but the water was barely draining at all.  The ground was soaked, and water was probably backing into the septic tank.  Nowhere for the water to go.  Dr. Quinn started asking questions of our new guests.  Mary Jo and Billy Bob had never thought of getting married or pregnant, but with a storm coming, Billy Bob ran off, taking their home with him.  The storm might have destroyed the RV anyway, but he did not take Mary Jo with him.  Dr. Quinn learned that Sally Mae and Darrell had been living together for a couple of years.  She made more in tips than he made working on the tourist fishing trawlers.  They too had never thought of marriage.  They were having too much fun.  Darrell asked why Dr. Quinn was so interested.

Dr. Quinn replied, “I have given it a lot of thought lately.  I used to seduce people on camera.  Not porn, but it fell just short of the definition.  You said you thought you recognized me earlier.  If I said, ‘Come over here and give me a kiss.’ Would that ring a bell?”

Darrell said, “Yeah, yeah, the Seductress of the Night.  We watch those movies on a streaming service.  But you are too old to be her.  Is she your daughter?”

Dr. Quinn gritted her teeth.  “No, that is me on the screen, unfortunately.  I might never get a good man because of my past.  But you need to think about the commitment you have already had with Sally Mae, before she gets pregnant like Mary Jo.  If you are the kind of man to run off, run off now before she gets in the family way.”

Darrell asked, “What about them ‘bortion things?”

Sally Mae said, “No way.  They say you have a right to choose.  A woman has a right over her body.  But I ain’t never had that.  Guys put their paws on me every day, and you, Darrell, enjoy the tips, usually with beer.  I’m with Doc.  I want to get married, and it might be too late, because I’m late.”

Darrel asked, “Late for what?  It’s the middle of the night and the club is closed.  You ain’t late there.”

Sally Mae just stared at him with a frown on her face, breathing hard through her nose.

Jemi said, “Darrell, she is saying that she is late in her monthly cycle.  She might be pregnant.”

Darrel said, “Oh.” But he said no more.  He went back to the living room and sat on the couch.

Dr. Quinn then told Jochebed that she saw a little arm.  Jochebed said in a calm voice that the baby was breached, and someone had to reach inside and turn the baby around.  Dr. Quinn voted for Virgin Mary.

“Me!?  You’re the doctor!  Your hands aren’t that much bigger than mine.  Jemi and I have about the same sized hands!  Why me?  Put my hand in there?!  IN THERE?!  Really?”

Jochebed calmly talked her through it, but Mary did as she was instructed.  In another two or three pushes, Mary Jo delivered a baby boy.  Dr. Quinn asked what the baby’s name was.  Mary Jo looked around and only saw me.  She asked what my name was.  When she found out my name was Easter, she said she wasn’t religious.  Then Mary, having washed her hand and arm a couple of times suggested “Frank.”  And so, Virgin Mary helped deliver a baby boy.  She wrapped him in swaddling clothes (a torn sheet) and laid him in the sink.  And his name was called “Frank.”  And sadly, Joseph was nowhere in sight!  But with the sun about to come up, the four wise meteorologists were exhausted.  Forget chasing a star.  Nothing but clouds!

Sally Mae went into the living room and found Darrell on one knee.  Without him saying anything, she turned to Dr. Quinn and said, “I think we’re going to get hitched!”

Dr. Quinn then asked Mary Jo if she had work done to be so large, breasts that is.  She might not be able to give milk.  Mary Jo said that it was natural.  All three women had used hormones to enlarge their breasts, but she stopped when she found out she was pregnant.  She kept getting bigger due to the pregnancy.  At least the baby would be fed.  If we were stuck for too long with twice the mouths to feed plus a baby, we might run out of food.  Everything had to be rationed.  But then, where would people sleep?  Mary Jo and Emma Rae and Frank went to one bed.  Darrell and Sally Mae went to the other.  Dr. Quinn went to the recliner.  Mary went to the sofa, fell face down on it, and was asleep in a few seconds.

I turned to Jemi and offered to sleep in the Turtle.  She said she would join me, even though another recliner was available.  We cranked up the computers and checked the storm progress.  It moved north of us and the center of circulation was southeast of Perry, Florida, moving slowly away from us.  I checked the police reports, and the road between us and Perry was closed when an RV flipped, spun, and blocked all lanes.  They were waiting for the winds to die down to remove the obstruction, but the driver, William Robert Nutt, was deceased.  Billy Bob was dead.  Mary Jo would have been a single parent, one way or the other.  Jemi put me on camera.  I reported everything, except the personal stuff about Dr. Quinn wanting a husband, and Jemi uploaded the report to the cloud.

The next morning, Dr. Quinn knocked on my window, about mid-morning.  “Hey, are you two in there making babies?  With the shields down, I have no idea.  If you have your clothes on, open up, we have work to do.”

The RV had been removed and the road between Tenille and Perry was passable in both directions.  Joseph and the crew that he was attached to would be unable to reach Steinhatchee and Jena until the roads from Tenille to Steinhatchee were cleared.  He had his hands full counselling people at their hotel and a couple of other hotels.  There were also people evacuated to the high school gymnasium.  Joseph had his hands full, but while we were delivering a baby, winds had picked up Darrell’s car.  It was upside down, leaning against a tree.  With only a Turtle to take them to the hospital and the road to Perry open, I had work to do.

And, Mom and Dad, we got a very mixed response from Dr. Kildare.  He was exhausted answering the phone, that’s the bad.  For the good, their small market customers had already doubled.  The video had gone viral, and then some.  It wasn’t even lunchtime and Mary’s “Frankenstein, hatching storm surge” video had eight million views, and climbing.  The major networks wanted it, since they had nothing from the region around the Steinhatchee River.  If anything, Mary Sheltie was going to be recognized everywhere we went.  My little video of the birth of baby Frank and the fact that his biological father had been killed driving an RV in the storm got a lot of views too.  Not millions, but as things settle down, I think the human-interest stories might last longer.

Just want you to know we are safe.  We owe the landlady a sheet, but everything else is fine.  We are staying here until another storm brews or school is about to start.  Jemi and I are not storm chasing this fall.  I hope you haven’t rented out my room.  But keep praying.  We are going into Steinhatchee as soon as the crews clear the road.  Aftermath videos and helping people put their lives back together.

And P. S., in the hubbub, I found myself holding Dr. Quinn’s cellphone while Mary Jo and Frank were getting registered, and Dr. Quinn was answering all the hospital questions.  I looked at the history and she had sent a text to Dr. Ben Casey.  I should not have looked, but it read: “I hope you are fine, wherever you are.  The Turtle team and I are fine, more than fine.  In the middle of a storm, Mary and I delivered a baby, a little boy.  I know you have been embarrassed by my reputation, but since I accepted Jesus into my heart, I am a new woman.  If you want, can we go on a real date if we ever get back to Tracy at the same time?  And maybe, just maybe, we can think of marriage, and a little baby boy of our own?”

As I stared at the message, a reply appeared, “I ignored you in Tracy because my mother would not approve your old lifestyle.  But, now, as a new woman, I would like you to meet her.  Since you and I have to be at the university when the next semester starts, let’s have a date or two before they have us on the road again.”

Love you, Mom and Dad.  Say “Hi” to the COO and CIO for me.  And as for that beach where you might have made love on your honeymoon, that’s where landfall occurred.  There is probably not much beach there now.  But, hey, not much sand that gets in very inconvenient places.  Yeah, the little rats told me.  And don’t worry about us getting naked.  That is Dr. Quinn, the new Home Wrecker, having her fun, knowing we would not do that.  Stinker stayed in the Dr. Quinn control room chair, and I sat in the driver’s seat, a cage between us.

Credits

Hurricane Frank is not part of the Pacific list of names this year.  Since it was a name in last year’s list, 2022, Frank will not be on the list until 2028.  Hurricane Franklin is part of the Atlantic list this year.  It just did not trip off the tongue right.  When I came up with Mary for the new team member name, I added the Sheltie to be like Mary Shelley.  Then, it became a burning desire to find a way for Mary Sheltie to report on Hurricane Frankenstein.  That led to Steinhatchee.  For those who do not read classic horror, Mary Shelley, wife of the famous poet Percy B. Shelley, wrote Frankenstein, or the Modern Promethius.  Hmmm, can I work the Modern Promethius into a storm chasing story …

The only Stein in the USA that I could find was in New Mexico.  Not many hurricanes there.  But then, Steinhatchee, Florida, on the Steinhatchee River, with Jena just south of the river became the location of the right-hand forward quadrant of the storm, maximizing storm surge, which would be accentuated by the narrowing at Deadman Bay and then by the narrowing of the river.  If the direction of travel for the hurricane went up the river, normally a tiny stream above the town including a tiny waterfall, very tiny, vast areas would be flooded.  I used real names of towns, the bay, even Lazy Island, but the story is fictional, and I hope it does not happen in that fashion.  If it does, please, evacuate.

But here is the real joke within the joke.  Steinhatchee is pronounced STEEN-hatchee by the locals.  How was Mary Sheltie to know when the internet says “Stine-hatchee”.  The name is not Germanic.  Thus, the “EI” is not pronounced “I”.  But then Mel Brooks used the joke in reverse in Young Frankenstein, pronouncing the name FrankenSTEEN.  But Steinhatchee comes from the Native Americans in the area who named the river, the river of man (man river), or esteen hatchee (internet spelling. I have seen it spelled a few ways.).  While the “civilized” Native American tribes of the southeast, mainly Chickasaw, Choctaw, Creek, Cherokee, and Seminole (called civilized due to assimilating quickly into settler culture), may have had clear distinctions among them, it seems many used the word “Hatchee” to mean river.  Buttahatchee, Waxahatchie, Buxahatchee, Caloosahatchee, and Choctawhatchee come to mind, and maybe I spelled them close.  Many think the Tallahatchie River bridge that Billy Joe McAllister jumped off in Bobbie Gentry’s hit song Ode to Billy Joe was just north of Oxford, Mississippi, now abandoned when they widened the road, moving the road further east to avoid floods of Sardis Lake downstream.  Another river in Mississippi and Tennessee is simply Hatchie River.  Great name: River River.