Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs.  I work homicide in the big city of Tracy.  Working for me are my old partners: Detective Sgt. Jim Wednesday and Detective Poached Yeggs, my nephew who is slowly becoming a good detective.

Captain Hart had been gone on vacation for three weeks.  Whenever we go on vacation, we are required to tell someone where we are.  We must leave a contact number.  He’s the boss.  There are even more reasons why he would need to be contacted, but that was okay.  I handled all his calls.

But the strange thing was that Gisele was on vacation at the same time.  Sure, I was sworn to secrecy that they had gotten married, something to do with Gisele losing her survivor pension if she remarried, but her being gone became a major problem.  Half the time people ask Captain Hart a question, it is “Have you seen Gisele?  Do you know where she is?”  I guess businesses have the same issue when the boss’ administrative assistant is on vacation.  In a police precinct, it’s worse.  It’s not just the people that work here.  It’s the lawyers, judges, and even the mayor.

They just left and I found a note saying that I would be filling in.  I supposed from that moment, but I had no idea how long.  For seemingly a decade, Captain Hart’s vacation was tied up in taking his wife, I suppose I should say first wife, to doctor appointments or the constant barrage of tests.  No wonder he was always cranky.  Since he and Gisele have unofficially hooked up, he has been in a better mood, but to just disappear?

Then, Sunday, after church, I got a call from Captain Hart to go to the Mashie Niblick kitchen.  Wives could come if they wanted.  There was going to be a cake, ice cream, and beverages, soft and hard.

The invitees were the three homicide guys.  We had other divisions at the precinct, but since he had been a homicide detective, he wanted just us.  He valued our opinion.  Wait!?  This is the guy we call “All Heart” because he acts like he has none.  Now he wants our opinion?!

Glyce and I had let the three children we had at the house go home with Pink Lady and Scrambled.  The older two were going swimming and Pink wanted to babysit Gigi for the afternoon.  I had no idea why, but since Captain Hart said there would be cake and Scrambled runs a bakery, Pink might know something we didn’t.  Jim and Poached both dropped off their children at Lily the Pink on their way to the Niblick’s kitchen.  Sure, there was a house attached, but the kitchen was epic.

Pauline guided us to the kitchen where there was a huge cake in the middle of their monster-sized dining room table.  Everything was laid out nicely.  Mashie explained that he had gotten an e-mail from Captain Hart as they were about to come home.  He bought the cake with the inscription “Welcome Home, Al and Gisele Hart.”

Poached said, “They’re married!?”  The wives started murmuring.

I shrugged, “What little I know, I have been sworn to secrecy.  But where are they?”

Mashie waved a hand toward the den and Al and Gisele walked in with nice tans, odd clothing, and even odder woolen skull caps on their heads.

Poached blurted, “Have you two joined a cult?”

Captain Hart snapped, “Cut the crap, Poached!”

Gisele reached out and held Al’s arm.  “Al, please, we discussed this.  These three will hear our story, and they and their wives will give us advice on how to handle things tomorrow when we are back in the office.  Please, Al, it is hard enough without you barking at poor Po.”

Mashie said, “Captain Hart, the floor is yours.”

Al said, “Alright, you wise guys, before Wise Guy and all of his cronies find out and say or do something stupid, I wanted you to hear what happened.  We are officially married.  Gisele, you can show them the ring.  We might have a restatement of vows in church, but probably about Christmas.  Lilith and her musical collaborator, both insisting nothing is romantic, will be here at Christmas.  They’ve been on the road singing at churches this summer.  And Lilith sold a song to a Southern Gospel quartet.  They are getting some recognition.”

Tuesday Wednesday blurted out, “Do they pay captains a lot more in Tracy?  How could you afford that rock?!”

Al continued, “That’s just part of the story.  We decided that we could not continue the ruse of not being married to keep the survivor pension going to Gisele until Lilith graduated.  We knew it was wrong, so we had to come clean.  With Lilith making some money, we thought we might squeak by on what we already made.  We contacted the financial people about the pension, and they said we could cash out the pension with a lump sum and then get married.  We’d lose a lot in the process, but we still got a tidy sum.  There was plenty for Lilith and some extra for a honeymoon for us.  As you guys know, I have not had a vacation in over ten years, the days spent taking my wife to doctor.  I mean, my first wife.  So, since the preacher had already married us in his office months ago, I booked us tickets to Thailand after we got our passports rushed through.  All of that on the Q-T.  And Tuesday, you can get top quality jewelry over there at rock bottom prices.  I chose Thailand because my older brother had liberty there, in Pattaya, when he was in the Navy at the end of Vietnam.  He wasn’t even dating and he bought an engagement ring.  We split our time between Bangkok and Pattaya.  We got the honeymoon suite in Pattaya.  It was just too expensive in Bangkok.  We shopped in Bangkok and toured the temples and the Teakwood palace.  Then we went to Pattaya.  I got fitted for new suits, and Gisele got a lot of silk dresses.  All you ladies, be prepared to get a silk scarf for Christmas.  I don’t think we negotiated the best price.  They brought her a box of scarves, and I think she left with half of them.  Gisele is wearing chut Thai, a traditional Thai women’s outfit, red because it is the Sunday color.  I’m just wearing something comfortable.  And don’t ask about the caps, I’ll get to that.”

More murmurs around the room.

Al continued, “By this time, we were feeling really tired.  Sure, jet lag can kick you pretty hard, but we had not stopped doing the tourist thing since we arrived.  Even in Pattaya, we took elephant rides, we went to more temples, and we went to a million year rock garden and crocodile farm.  When food is hung over their heads, those crocs can jump a long ways to get it!  But then, we thought about all the other married couples, and how young they were.  We looked at each other and being as tired as we were, we felt old.  So one afternoon, we had people come to our suite to give us massages.”

Glyce grabbed my hand and whispered, “Oh, no.  Someone should have told them.”  I had no idea what Glyce meant.

Al rolled his eyes.  I think he got the idea that what he was about to confess was something Glyce already knew about.  “Yeah, maybe that was a mistake.  They had each of us on each side of the bed.  They were doing their massage thing, oiling down our bodies.  They had us both naked, but we were so tired, and the massage felt so good, we were getting a bit sleepy.  Then I noticed that they were rubbing something they shouldn’t be rubbing.  I told them to stop.  About that time, Gisele said the same thing.  Then the one that spoke English pretty good said that since we were married and the massage was in the hotel room, we were getting the full Thai treatment to improve our sex life.  If it was just one of us in the room, they would have sex with us.  That was the way it worked.  But if you just wanted the non-sexual portion of the massage, you have that massage outdoors in the courtyard.  But we had eliminated that as an option.  Everyone could see that we weren’t that fit.  Oh, babe, you are always fit.  It was me.  I was embarrassed, even more embarrassed when the massage people left.”

Al continued, “That led to why we have these toboggan caps on.  The next day, we had already prepaid for the hair stylist to come to the room, more of the looking and feeling younger thing.  She came in with two portable chairs.  We made sure there was no hanky panky going on.  She laughed and said she had talked to the massage people.  All we wanted was some highlights for both of us to rinse out the gray hairs.  Please, don’t laugh, but they made a few mistakes, mistakes that we have been told will just have to grow out of our hair.”

At that point, they removed their caps.  Captain Hart’s hair was a little longer than usual, but it was green.  Not just one shade of green, but variations of olive drab to sea green.  It looked good, if it had been on a teenager.  Gisele always had long flowing hair, some that went down to her waist.  Nothing had been cut, but her hair was every shade of purple I knew of and a few in between.  The Niblicks, the three homicide detectives and their wives all burst out laughing.

Al barked, “I said not to laugh!  We gotta figure out what we are gonna do.  When we show up tomorrow, there will be a thousand questions about us getting married, but this hair thing…  Should I shave it off?”

All the ladies, including Gisele, said, “NO!!!”

Glyce tried to put a spin on it, “The hair makes you look younger.  That was probably what the stylist was thinking.  I doubt if you can wear the caps until it grows out.  It’s summertime.  You will melt in that cap before it gets cool enough to wear it.  What did you do after the stylist did this to you when you were still in Thailand?”

Gisele shrugged, “We were in Thailand, a lot hotter than here except the monsoon rains came in late afternoon each day.  We just let it hang out.  A few people stifled a laugh, but most people greeted us kindly.  But we knew none of them.  Tomorrow, these are people we know, and the uniformed guys are going to have a lot of fun with it.”

But then Poached asked if he could speak.  He said, “Own it!  Walk in like you meant to have the hair color you have.  Any shrinking away, especially around the uniforms, will be cannon fodder, and you will get a lot of it.  If they find out it was a mistake, you are toast!  Go in there and tell everyone.  ‘Hey, everybody listen up.  Gisele and I are married and to celebrate, we got a new hair style.  You like it or you’ll be walking the beat.’ ”

The rest of us stared at each other.  Poached had not only said something intelligent.  He said something that might work.  And Captain Al Hart, the crusty curmudgeon, was just the one to pull it off.  But could Gisele hold up?

Pauline asked Gisele, “How have you handled any overt comments until now?”

Gisele said, “Embarrassed mostly, but then I noticed that some people that probably would never say anything came up to talk.  I don’t know.  I am not used to Po coming up with a good idea, but maybe I will be able to relate to some of the younger patrolmen and women.  They all seem intimidated around me.  Maybe that will change.”

I was thinking, ‘Intimidated?  You don’t know the half of it.  Captain Hart barked, but everyone knew who runs the precinct.’

Captain Hart then announced, “This huge cake is not going to get eaten by itself.  There is another cake already in the squad room.  We had Scrambled bring it in, but it is boxed.  No one knows what it says.  I want you all to take cake home, especially those that have kids old enough to eat it, you know, like Poached.”

Everyone laughed, including Callie.  But Poached protested.

While we got more details about their trip, Pauline spotted Mashie feeding some cake icing to their daughter, Baffy.  “Stop that, Mashie!”

“What?” Mashie said, “She likes it.”

“No sweets until she is one year old.  Some experts delay sweets until two.  What am I going to do?!  MEN!!”

Captain Hart and Gisele agreed to wear the caps until they announced their hairstyles were changed.  They felt a lot better.

Al brought out a few small boxes of jewelry.  They had bought enough that if they sold it for what it was worth, they would pay for their honeymoon.  They were offering us discounts.  The four ladies went crazy, but no one bought anything up front.  They winked at Gisele to have one piece or another get hidden until they could convince their husband that they could afford it.  I saw the piece Glyce wanted and slipped Captain Hart a downpayment.

With enough cake for an army, Glyce and I walked the few blocks home.

Glyce asked, “Do you have any fears regarding the Poached plan?”

I shrugged, “They are guys, and locker room humor always finds the lowest common denominator.”

Glyce asked, “Like what?”

I shrugged again, “Like what a dirty-minded guy will ask when he sees a ravishing redhead.”

Glyce said, “No!  Not the old idea that it is not natural, because it is a different color, umm, down there!! There is no such thing as natural purple hair anyway. Neither Gisele nor Al is going to pull down their pants.  Gisele cannot prove that she is a natural ‘purplehead’.”

I agreed, “Neither of them will prove it one way or the other, and of course we know she is not a natural purplehead, but the day before, they fell asleep on the massage table.  If they did it again the next day, who is to say what the stylist did, one way or the other.”

Glyce laughed, “First, you are a dirty old man just thinking of that.  You probably heard it a hundred times in the squad room, probably every time a redhead came in the room. But second, they certainly look a lot younger. Once they got over the embarrassment, they were more animated than I have ever seen either of them.  I do not think I have ever seen Gisele smile as much as she did this afternoon. Why don’t we do that?”

I shrugged, “Go to Thailand?”

Glyce huffed, “No, silly, I mean we could get our hair colored.  For the Fourth of July.  I would be fire engine red, and you could be bright blue.  You keep asking if I’m a natural redhead, and I’ll show you! But just you. You are a man in blue anyway.  Why not go that extra mile?”

I asked, “Are you crazy?”

Glyce growled, “I told you to never ask me that!  But come on, Mr. Stiff-Necked La-Dee-Dah!  Are you chicken?!”

I shrugged, “Okay, I’m in.”  But secretly, I was hoping she would forget before next Fourth of July. But then again, Glyce is known for keeping meticulous notes.

Credits

I have not had a Thai massage in my motel room, with about eight total weeks of opportunities.  In fact, I avoided Thai massages altogether.  We were instructed to have them take their massage table to a shady spot next to the pool, just so that massage did not turn into a “massage.”  It wasn’t that the company had any moral leanings one way or the other.  They did not wish to have someone with an STD (Sexually transmitted disease) returning from a business trip.

And as for the hair color, I saw a drawing of a beautiful woman some time ago.  She had a dress that was blue and purple and then purple hair.  I marveled at the artwork and then thought that I had convinced myself it was real.  There are too many young people getting wild hair color these days.  But then, my mind went to Thailand.  One of our commissioning engineers was over there for a long time and he thought he would get a rinse to get rid of the gray before he came home, a job completion celebration if you will.  The hotel hair stylist either misunderstood him or she got the formula wrong.  When he returned to the office, he had orange hair, not an off redhead, not an off blonde.  This was orange, orange; more Clemson Tiger orange than Tennessee Vols orange.  One solid color.  He went to a hairstylist in the USA, and they said he’d have to grow it out.  The Thai people had used some aggressive chemicals, and the USA stylist was afraid if she tried to reverse it, the added stress on the hair might cause him to permanently lose his hair.  I do not know if that was true, but it was what he was told.  He let it grow out and then got a very short haircut.  With that one memory, this entire story unfolded in my mind.

I have heard that some people pay for their vacation each year by buying jewelry in Thailand and other such countries and then reselling it upon their return.  I knew one engineer that tried, with moderate success.  But then, the company had paid his expenses over there.  All he had to do was cover the purchased price.