Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs.  I work homicide in the big city of Tracy.  Working for me are my old partners: Detective Sgt. Jim Wednesday and Detective Poached Yeggs, my nephew who is slowly becoming a good detective.

It had been nearly two weeks since my sister-in-law was sent to prison.  While there, she met with her father and gave us two names, one of which Georges Evident had already been investigating.  She also visited her Uncle Dellie, Red Delicious Apple, former crime boss of Tracy.  Uncle Dellie was not forthcoming with anything.  Her several visits with Uncle Dellie’s son, Big Red Macintosh Apple, were very productive in another way.  She used the materials he had developed and started a ministry on the women’s side.  So far, four female inmates had accepted Jesus, along with one of the guards that was listening in.  She had recruited a hairdresser to keep the ministry going, but she might need a backup.  The hairdresser was up for parole soon.  She was already a Christian, but she found her husband in bed with her best friend, and both were dead before she came to her senses.  Since then, she has been a model prisoner, setting up a hair salon in her cell.  I think Pink Lady was a customer.

But while Pink Lady is relatively safe and productive, she is a new mommy of sorts, and I need to get this thing solved.

I had the expanded team in my office: Jim Wednesday, Poached Yeggs, and Georges Evident.  I know, it’s George, but everyone loves the way Jochebed calls him Georges, with her French accent, everyone calls him that these days.

I asked, looking at the overhead light fixture, almost praying, “Do we have anything new?”

Poached said, “I have a lot of knowledge that is new, but it is probably inadmissible.”

Everyone groaned.  Poached was up to his computer hacking and illegal activity, again.

“No, no, this is not exactly illegal.  And maybe not even morally borderline.”

I sighed, “Okay, out with it.”

Poached said, “You know a security company rents out the majority of Callie’s and my warehouse.  With the rent we get from them, I have already paid off our second Mom, the woman who owned the place and let us move in.  But I still need the rent coming in.  The utilities are brutal.  And you also know that I moonlight for them, doing things that do not interfere with my police work or create a conflict of interest.  But the job I did last night touched on our case.  The security people here did not install the security system for the offshore bank, but they have a standing contract with them to audit random accounts to check for leaks or errors.  I asked them to make their latest audit to be non-random.  They told the bank the account number, saying that is what the random number generator came up with.  It seems that they use facial recognition as their means for customers to have a secure access when not present at the bank.  This is what the offshore bank thought Pink Lady Apple Yeggs looks like.”

Poached spun his computer around and showed a full screen photograph of Louise Sphincter, known as Loose, or Luce, Sphincter, wife of the late Tyte Sphincter.

Jim ejaculated something incoherent.  I think it was “Shut the Front Door!”  He’s been taking cussing lessons from Tim Hawkins lately.

Georges moaned, “Why is it that my former partner from our patrol days always finds a way to upstage me when I have something to add?”

Poached laughed, “Oooo!  Maybe you should start talking quicker!”

Georges shook his head.  “I finally got someone talking about Braeburn Apple.  I even got a few old photographs before he went to prison for kidnapping Glyce, umm, Dr. Naomi Yeggs.  Braeburn and Loose Sphincter had a not-so-quiet affair back in the day.  They have been super careful since he got out of prison, but they have been spotted together.  I also learned that Jonathan Apple, Braeburn’s son, loves doctoring photographs and he is quite accomplished.  I got an unrelated warrant and looked through Jonathan’s computer files.  None of the incriminating photographs, but hidden where you would not think to look, I found photos of Pink Lady from every angle imaginable.  Most of them were at the church she attends.  So, obviously, she wasn’t naked and having sex with Tyte Sphincter at the time.  I copied the folder, and I already found two of the twenty head shots that were pasted onto Loose Sphincter’s body.  I haven’t had the time to look for the rest, but I am sure they are there.”

I added, “We have already told Loose not to leave town.  We flagged her passport, just out of normal protocol.  We need to change that flag to a stop order.  She probably has enough money locally to disappear.  You two have done a great job.”  Then I hesitated.  “Oh, no.  Poached!  You said that the bank ‘thought’ Pink Lady looked like that.  You did not say they think she looks like that now.  You said ‘a security company employee’ but you are a parttime employee.  Poached, what have you done?”

Poached turned red, but he shrugged and said, “Nothing, Lieutenant.  The guy that I was watching do his audit said, ‘That’s not Pink Lady.’ So, he fixed it.  He replaced the picture with one of Mom’s pictures.  The only way Loose Sphincter can get to that money is to go to the bank itself and use her retina scan and fingerprints to correct the security data, ummm, error.  And if her passport is pulled and she cannot leave the country that won’t happen.  But the person whose picture is in their database now could withdraw all the money.  I have the account number, password and such.”

I shook my head.  “You do know that your step Mom’s Zacchaeus syndrome will kick in and she will pay all those men who defiled her future daughter-in-law four times what they paid in blackmail.”

Poached beamed, “But the account has ten times what she received in blackmail.  Tyte and Loose had their fingers in all kinds of illegal or immoral pies.  And they knew how to make money.  I’m thinking they have been working on this blackmail of Mom since she helped set up the raid that tarnished Tyte’s reputation.  He kept his job as councilman, but I think he was looking at mayor or governor.  That might be the motivation for the doctored photos.  But then, it might be Braeburn and Loose using them to frame Mom.”

“And not that I have any firsthand experience or nothing,“ Jim said, “but as for the original photos, before they were doctored.  There are a lot of happily married couples who take pictures of themselves making love.  Remote camera shots and such.  Not that I have any experience with that.”  Jim mused and coughed a bit.  “Most people look at the photos and find out how horrible they look, and they get rid of them, but I see the Sphincters as being so blindly arrogant that they might frame one and put it over their bed.”

Poached and Georges said in unison, “Not that you have any experience with that.”

Jim turned red, and I told the two former patrol partners to behave and respect their elders.  Georges said something about being older than Poached and Poached showed no one any respect.

I leaned back in my chair.  “We definitely have enough to bring all three in for questioning.  We need to get Pink out of prison.  The next interviews better be fruitful.  If nothing else, we now have cause to look for a certain birthmark.”

Poached suggested, “And piggybacking on my new partner’s great idea.  If they framed a naked photo of the two of them, could she still have it hidden somewhere?  Seeing the same photo with the proper head on the woman would be damning evidence.  If she did not kill her husband, she would go down for a lot of related charges.”

The arrest warrants were processed, and we quickly gathered in Loose Sphincter and Jonathan Apple.  They were not talking.  But no one could find Braeburn Apple.  We searched the Sphincter home, and Poached found the naked photograph, still in its frame, in the space in the rafters.  We finally found Braeburn Apple in a hotel room in a bad part of town.  He had a suicide note next to his body in his handwriting, but he was killed gangland style.  No way did he pull the trigger.  The note read.

To Whom it may concern,
“I violated a direct order of Red Delicious.  The penalty for that kind of thing is death.  Red might applaud the death of Tyte Sphincter.  I admit I killed him so I could run off with his wife and her millions, but framing Red’s precious Pink Lady was against the rules.  I would rather commit suicide and have a little dignity in death than to go to prison and have to face Pink Lady’s father.  That would be punishment worse than death.  Don’t blame Jonathan for putting Pink’s face on Loose’s beautiful body.  He thought he was just horsing around.  You know, practicing his skills.”
It was signed Braeburn Apple.

But we had not gotten to him to even confront him.  But I am sure Pink’s Dad had told his boss, Red Delicious, what he had told Pink.  Red still had enough of the older gang members to enforce Rotten Apple justice within the gang.  The execution of Braeburn Apple might go unsolved.  Red Delicious could not allow him the dignity of suicide.  Red truly loved his niece, and he would do anything to protect her.  But since he had worked so quickly, the prison may have a new leak to plug.

It was a few days later before Poached went to the prison to pick up his step Mom and Plain Jayne Crane who had been her constant companion except when Pink went to the men’s side.  As for the guard who escorted Pink around the men’s prison, he is driving a year-old pink SUV, and he refuses to have it painted.  The title says that it used to be owned by Lily the Pink Enterprises.  Sometimes, you just don’t ask questions.

I didn’t ask questions when Poached dropped his step Mom off at a motel on the outskirts of town, one that has a presidential suite.  And for a few days, Scrambled had disappeared and the presidential suite at the motel ran up a sizable bill, room rate and room service and the do not disturb tag on the door.  Yep, more questions that never got asked.

Then, they threw a big party in the Lily the Pink greenhouse.  Among those attending were the mayor, D. A., police commissioner, Captain Hart with Gisele, and a lot of us on the police force that helped in clearing up this case.  They had also shut down cider operations, significant in that they ran continuously unless during a maintenance session.  Rumors were flying that the CEO would have a major announcement.

There was an empty stage with an unoccupied microphone, but no one knew where the guest of honor was.  But then Scrambled guided what looked like a monk onto the stage.  I say a monk, in that it was the classic monk’s habit, a robe that drug the ground, long sleeves past the hands, and a hood that hung in front of the person’s face that the person had to be guided to the microphone.

Scrambled leaned over the microphone.  “Is this thing on?  Wow!  I guess so.  If I have everyone’s attention, I have someone here that has an announcement to make.  And for everyone’s information, Washington state operations are suspended for this announcement via livestreaming.”

Scrambled lowered the microphone on its stand and the “monk” carefully slid the hood over the mike, still bending over to have an opening through which to breathe.

A female voice started to clear her throat over the speakers.  “Sorry, frog in my throat.” Said the voice of Pink Lady.  You could hear a pen drop, or is it pin drop?  Pin, definitely pin.

“I left here in handcuffs.  It was an indignant way to leave this place that has been my home since I was in elementary school.  I wanted to walk out without that.  I did not wish for anyone to see me in chains.  After all, I fought to keep so many of you out of bondage, and free to be productive members of society.”  She stopped while they cheered.  “but the D. A. and the police knew I had not killed the man that I was accused of killing.  I had not been unfaithful to my dear husband.  I had not blackmailed all the city officials who had affairs with people here at Lily the Pink.  But they were also afraid that some of the people here might tell their friends who work for Envy Apple.  Then those friends might tell Envy who would tell Empire.  Going out in chains made the Rotten Apples know that I was the prime suspect in the murder of Tyte Sphincter.”  This started a murmur among those in the crowd.

Since it was obvious that the “monk” was really Pink in disguise, she raised a hand for silence.

“The D. A. and my brother, Deviled Yeggs, let’s forget the ‘in-law’ stuff and the ‘step’ stuff.  They are family.  But those two sent me to prison as a means of my protection, to a prison where twenty people or so were in prison due to evidence that I provided.  But if Jayne Crane does not get promoted, I’ll hire her for security here at double her present pay.  I hope the Commissioner heard that.”  There were a few snickers.  With more than a hundred people, snickering can make a lot of noise, but in the midst of the snickers, I think I heard Jayne tell the commissioner to please not promote her, which in our little corner of the greenhouse extended the snickers.  “I worked with Big Red Macintosh to start a prison ministry on the women’s side.  It is being run now by Hannah Bandanna, a hairdresser that I would like to hire here.  With so many women working here, we need a hairdresser, and she is up for parole in about a year.”

Another halt while the ladies cheered.  Again the hand raised to calm the crowd.

“But while I was at the prison, I was forced into letting all my staff do their thing without me supervising.  The doctors at the prison have changed my medications and they say that the lack of daily fussing over a thousand details of the operation of this place, the cider house, the bakery, the greenhouse, the care of the mission residents, the nursery, and the ongoing projects of expansion.  All the stress was worsening my health.  I thought I was getting too old.  Too old to run this company.”  The crowd screamed “No!”  “Too old to be a wife and mother.”  Again, “No!”  “Too old to try something new.”

Murmurs erupted.  People were asking “what something new?”

“But as I stayed in prison for over two weeks, I had no freedom.  I could not come home.  I had no freedom.  With Jayne Crane to talk to, I took stock in my life.  If I returned and everything was still running as if I were here, I would be able to trust my company officers more in the future, not that I did not trust them before, but I could allow them to do their jobs more without interference from me.  I would have more time to spend with my family.  I would have time to be a mother to my children.”

More cheers.

“I visited my father for the first time since I was thirteen when he was dragged away to prison.  We had a long talk.  The next day, he was released from solitary confinement, and he started attending a Bible study with Big Red Mac.  I heard from the prison last night that my Dad accepted Jesus.  He is not eligible for parole, but if he shows signs of rehabilitation, the governor may grant a pardon.  My father killed a lot of people as the Rotten Apples enforcer, but they were all criminals themselves.  He has been in prison for decades, but even I would not want him set free if he would harm anyone.  Time will tell, but I hope he is home here at Lily the Pink before the baby comes.”

I had never heard over one hundred people gasping at the same time, but they did.

“Yes!  I am a bit old for this kind of thing, but I will need to take a backseat in operations here over the next nine months.  If the test I took this morning is correct, Scrammie and I are expecting.”

The loudest cheer yet.

“But I have one more announcement.  Before Gwen left for her world tour, she perfected a wonderful new flavor of apple cider.  We were thinking about what event might be the right time to release it to the public.  It has a sweet flavor, and it is bold.  We will make the first full scale run here in Tracy before giving the recipe to the folks in Washington state.  We want to make sure it is perfect.  And with a new flavor, we need a new look.  While I was in prison, I had no freedom, but my first friend was the hairdresser, Hannah.  She gave me a free makeover.  She even wanted to color my hair.  I told her that I might consider anything other than pink.  The prostitutes in Tracy had pink hair.  Hannah told me I should never cower before criminal tyranny.  I should fight!  She said I should take the color pink back from them.  After all, it was my name.  She said no one should ever steal your name from you.  An artist came by the motel a couple of days ago.  I have never leant my image to a Lily the Pink product before, but now is the time for us to fight back.  Meet the image of Lily the Pink’s Freedom Cider!”

At that moment, the monk’s habit slid to the floor and Pink stepped out.  The cheers were deafening, but what we saw was shocking.  She had pink hair that flowed down to near her ankles.  She was not wearing it in a bun.  She was not wearing her conservative business attire.  She wore a pink party dress that exposed some impressive calves.

And just as the crowd died down, we heard a child scream, “Mommy Tinkie!”  And Kanok broke free from Jochebed and ran onto the stage.

Pink picked her up, spun her around and then said into the microphone, “Yes, my little one, Mommy Tinkie is back!”

That was too good to pass up.  The crowd started chanting, “Mom-mie Tink-kie!  Mom-mie Tink-kie!”

I had learned early on that you never underestimated Pink Lady.  If she had decided to take over the mob, I might have had an adversary that I could not handle.  But she found Jesus instead.

Credits

The “cussword” used by Jim Wednesday is one of many in the Tim Hawkins routine, Christian Cuss Words.  My favorite is “fart knocker,” but I have never used it.  For a long time, when someone cut me off in traffic, either my wife or I would mutter something about how inconsiderate the “chat wagon” had been.

The one-year-old jumping on stage is a remembrance of my firstborn who jumped on stage, wearing wooden shoes and running to his mommy while they were singing Dutch songs at the Texas Folklife Festival.

And a special note: Yesterday’s post on writing myself a letter was my 3,000th post. This is the first of the next thousand.