Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs.  I work homicide in the big city of Tracy.  Working for me are my old partners: Detective Sgt. Jim Wednesday and Detective Poached Yeggs, my nephew who is slowly becoming a good detective.

I have been “partnered” with my daughter Sophia in the past, but she is on suspension by orders of Captain Hart.  I have lifted her being grounded, but she is on a short leash.  The foot massages will continue for both me and my wife, Glyce, until Christmas Day.  I think the last massage will be Boxing Day, so that she will not have to massage our feet on Christmas, unless she really wants to.  Frankly, there for a while she developed a salty mouth, mostly complaining about our parenting techniques.  She finally learned that the more she said, the longer the foot massages were going to continue.

The telephone rang.  Here is my conversation with Sophie.  Gisele was filling in for the dispatcher and she transferred the call to me, and she had Jim and Poached come into my office.  Gisele then turned over the call center to the dispatcher and she and Captain Hart came into the office also.

The following conversation is in dialogue form. “D” stands for either Deviled or Dad.  “S” is for Sophie.

S: Daddy, I think I have developed one of the diseases Poached has.
D: He has so many, Sophie. You have to narrow it down.
S: I would LOVE for it to be his romantic problem he had in high school.
D: Sophie, do not joke about that.  I do not want you to even think of such things.
S: Daddy, I’m a teenager.  If my brain is working, I think about it.
D: But you don’t think about it as often as the boys do. Do you?
S: Nope, once an hour.  I have my watch set.  If we talk for more than ten minutes, I will have to pause our conversation.
D: Please, Sophie, this is an official line.  If you don’t get to the topic, I will have to hang up.
S: Great! Then I can think about sex longer! You know another Poached disease?
D: I am tired of this guessing game.
S:  Daddy, please! Poached is a dead body magnet, and I just tripped over my second one this summer.  Literally! I was walking in the woods, and bam!  I hit the ground!  I looked back and there was a dead Indian.
D: Are you referring to an Indian or a Native American?
S: Daddy, please!  You adults have ruined my childhood.  We used to play Cowboys and Indians.  Nope not anymore.  I enjoyed that game, but then it had to be Cowboys and Native Americans.  How dorky is that!?  Then cowgirls complained and it became Cow Persons and Native Americans.  I don’t know what cow complained, but it became Bovine Species Persons and Native Americans.  And then they complained when we danced and patted our mouths and went ‘woo, woo, woo, woo.’  They said that was demeaning.  By the time you went through all the rules so you wouldn’t end up offending anybody, it was nap time!  I am in full rebellion.  It is an Indian from one of the nearby reservations.  I think.  He looks like a Caucasian, but he is wearing an Indian costume at least.  Oops!  I do not know if I can say a gendered pronoun!!!!
D: Well, maybe it is an overdose like last time or a death by natural causes.
S: But Daddy, the repose of the body and various other factors point to something suspicious.  I cannot give the details because I am suspended from the force, but this is a textbook description of a murder victim, page 144.
D: Sophie, Sweetie, all of that is still circumstantial.  It still might not be a homicide.
S: Oh, I don’t know, Daddy, I have been suspended from investigations.  Maybe for good reason.  All those indicators might be circumstantial, but the arrow sticking out of his chest is far from circumstantial.
D: Sophie! Step away from the body.  Do not contaminate the scene.  Where are you in the woods?  Do you mean the greenhouse at Lily the Pink?
S: No, Daddy, Aunt Tensie went into the hospital for a series of tests.  Blaise and I had no on-going projects, so Blaise is doing a ton of homework.  I went for a walk behind our house.
D: Where in the woods, specifically.
S: Daddy, do you know the path we use to walk to and from the Niblicks?  I heard that Otto and Zuzka were visiting Pauline, so I thought I might join my cousin and his bride.
D: Sophie! Pauline is filling in for your Mom.  Otto and Zuzka are there for sex therapy.
S: Ewwww! Yuck! On second thought, since my mad minute of thinking about sex is almost upon us, can you send Jim and Poached quickly so that I can go to the Niblicks and watch?  That would be the opportunity of a lifetime.  Who knows what Pauline could teach me!  And with Zuzka being so tall and Otto not being. Ummm … He’s short.  Are they having problems connecting?
D: Please, Sophie, you are not going to continue this line of questioning further.  It is therapist confidentiality here, Sophie.  And you do not wish to continue the foot massages any further do you?
S: Oh, Daddy, I have been meaning to talk to you about that.  I really like massaging your feet and Mom’s feet.  I am thinking of getting more practice so I can start a side hustle for more money in my college fund.  You know, hang out a shingle and massage people’s feet.  I love it.
D: Somehow I think you are pulling your side hustle on me, so that I might think that the foot massaging is not a punishment to you anymore.
S: Whatever you say, Daddy, but I would massage yours and Mommy’s feet until President’s Day if I could go watch Otto and Zuzka getting … therapied!!
D: NO! That’s final, but Captain Hart has given me a signal.  You are no longer suspended, but do not ruin footprints.
S: Daddy!  He was shot with an arrow.  To find any footprints, I would have to search in expanding circles.
D: No, stay where you are and ensure no one else messes up the crime scene.  According to Captain Hart, you are the first unofficial officer on the scene.  I will be there soon, so do not sneak off to the Niblicks once other officers arrive.
S: Daddy, you are no fun, but I love you.  See you when you get here.

Jim and Poached were long gone as soon as she said the trail between our house and the Niblicks.  Since Jayne Crane had left the force to be the head of security at the Lily the Pink Washington state campus, we had a new female officer accompanying Wise Guy.  Her name is Polly Pulice, police officer.  They were the closest patrol car to our home.  She could take care of Sophie until I got there.

Captain Hart and Gisele were laughing as I grabbed my hat and other necessary things.

Gisele taunted, “You are depriving your daughter of such an important lesson in life?  What kind of a father are you, Deviled?”

As I walked past them, “I hope and pray that I am a good one.”

The rest of this report is a third person report from the scene.  Really, I had it transcribed from Polly’s body cam and audio recorder.

Polly asked, “Are you Sophia Yeggs?”

Wise Guy and Sophie replied, “Yes!”

Polly said, “Oh, I should have known that you two knew each other.  Sophie, let’s step away from the body.  Is there a place where we can sit?”

Sophie rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, back up the trail to our house.  There are plenty of places to sit.  Or we could go the other direction to Pauline Niblick’s house where my cousins are getting sex therapy.  Let’s go there.  Maybe I can watch!”

As Polly explained that she had been instructed to prevent that from happening, Missy walked up the trail from the Niblicks’ house.  She wasn’t in uniform, but she was wearing the MacDougall tartan.

Polly shouted, “Ma’am! Step back, this is a crime scene.”

Missy chuckled, “I know.  I am well-versed in police procedures.  I also know that the young lady you have there who found the body is one of the people I was sworn to protect.  I picked up the chatter on the police scanner in my car.”

Polly asked, “Are you off-duty police?”

Sophie answered, “No, she’s better than that.  She is a security supervisor at Lily the Pink.” Then shouting at Missy.  “Mama Missy!  Follow the trail to us.  The trail is so trampled that there won’t be any usable footprints.  I need someone to hold onto, unless you want to take me to the Niblicks so I can watch the therapy session.”

Missy huffed, “Child, you do not want to go there.  Now the police chatter makes sense.  Otto and Zuzka were told to wear their swimsuits under their clothing.  I think the intent for this first session is that no one gets naked.  But you should not be thinking about such things.  You and Emmett have a good thing going.  Just keep the romance going slow and then by the time you two are fully out of school, then you can get married and do all the fun stuff that you want to do.”

Sophie replied, “But Mama Missy, you are not going slow.  What are you doing wearing a MacDougall kilt on your day off?  I mean, you and Dr. Angus MacDougall even dress alike.”

“Listen, Miss Smarty Pants. This is a skirt.  The pleats go all the way around.  The kilt has a flat panel in the front where the sporran hangs.  Polly, a sporran is like a pocket to hold your stuff and it is usually made out of fur or black leather.  And I cannot help it if Char likes to give me presents.  Besides, he was coming over later to help me work on the sword dance.”

Sophie asked, “You dance with swords?!”

Missy shook her head. “No, we just put crossed wooden swords on the dance floor and dance around them.  It is one of the dances I am working on for my college dance class.  And ever since the first dead body you found this summer, I have yet to peak under his kilt.  Neither Char nor I had experience dating, and we like dating.  When you get all hot and sweaty in bed, that is all that you do.  The mystery is gone, and you do a lot less talking.  Then, you don’t really know if you even like each other.”

Sophie asked, “Why are you calling Angus, Char?”

Missy snickered, “Before you met Dr. Angus MacDougall, what did you think of when you heard the word ‘angus’?”

Sophie shrugged, “I guess ground beef in the grocery store.”

Missy nodded, “And what color is an angus cow?”

Sophie said, “All I know is that the ground beef is pink, just like the regular hamburger meat.”

Polly said, “Angus are black cows.  I lived near the Dalton ranch when they were wiped out by the flood.  They had angus cattle.”

Sophie asked, “You knew the Daltons?”

Polly said, “We lived a little further up the slope and didn’t get flooded.  My Dad gave their son, Emmett, his saxophone.  I guess Emmett was about ten years old.  He got pretty good at learning how to play it.”

Sophie smiled, “I’ll say.  He occasionally plays at the Snazzy Taz.”

Polly said, “Wait!  You are the girl he kissed!  I saw that on the internet.  He is a nice kid.  You make a lovely couple, but you are too young to get into the Snazzy Taz.”

Sophie frowned, “Don’t remind me.  I just got over being grounded and suspended from helping my Dad on homicides.”

Polly said, “I heard about that.  Police procedures are there for a reason.  But I also hear that Captain Hart still tells everyone that when you become a detective, he’ll retire and let you run the precinct.  So, I guess I better be nice to you.”

Sophie asked, “So, you’ll let me go to watch my cousins do their therapy?”

Polly laughed, “No.  Then I’d lose my job before you got old enough to take over.”

Missy shook her head, “And I told you to take it nice and slow with your Em.  He’s smitten.  He’ll stick around.  But you asked about why I called Angus, Char.  It is not short for Charlotte.  But since angus is a black cow.  I looked up white cows.  I could have gone with an Italian bull, the Piedmontese, but that would make it ‘pea’ for short and we had a long argument when we first met over whether we were saying ‘Pee Brook’ or ‘piobaireachd’ (pronounced Pea Brock).  And no. I only know a couple of songs on the bag pipes.  I am a long way from learning classical music.  ‘A bairn maun creep afore it gangs.’ That is a Scottish proverb that means a learner must master the basics before trying something more difficult, like a piobaireachd. So, I chose a white French bull, a Charolais.  I just shorten it to Char, ‘cause he is way too white to be a black angus.”

Sophie snickered, “You’re too funny, Mama Missy.”

Sandy Beech walked up with Jim and Poached.  The crime scene people were spreading out in the woods.  It took the crime scene guys no time at all to find the hiding place that the archer used.  The archer was sloppy.  There were cigarette butts and a fast-food drink cup, with some drink left in it.  This was not going to turn out to be a professional hit.

Sandy joked, “Now what are you two doing in the woods?  Plotting an overthrow of Lily the Pink management?”

Polly asked, “What is the mayor’s girlfriend doing here?”

Missy shrugged, “I don’t know, but she’s my boss.”  And then to Sandy, “Boss, why are you checking up on me out here in the woods?  Lily the Pink is a long way off.  I volunteered to drive our baker and his bride, the project manager, to a quiet therapy session, of unknown type.”

Sandy laughed, “Nice try.  You and I both know its sex therapy, but I have no idea what their issues are.  It might be the drastic height difference, but Zuzka was a popular girl when Lily the Pink was a brothel.  She should know how to deal with the height difference.”

Sophie said, “She’s almost two heads taller.  I would love to go watch.”

Sandy yelled, “No!”

Missy moaned, “We have been over this and over this.”

Sophie explained, “I still call my father, Daddy, because he cringes each time, wondering if it will be his last.  But now I have learned that he cringes even more if I talk openly about sex.  I’m having the time of my life.  But I do not like to do his feet massages.  He has policeman feet.”

With so many police in hearing range, no one asked what that meant.

Sandy came in close to Missy and Polly.  She asked, “Are you Polly?”

Polly said, “Polly Pulice, police officer, Ma’am.”

Sandy smiled, “I am looking for some couples where one portion of that couple is a teacher or police in Tracy.  Sorry, I have no firemen.  Would you like to be a bride’s maid?”

Polly said, with a squeak, “Me!  We just met.  There has to be others more qualified.  After all, you are the First Lady of Tracy already.”

Sandy shrugged, “I lost all my high school and college buddies.  I could populate the bride’s maids with former prostitutes, but that might not be politically acceptable.  My background is bad enough.  I have Deviled and Naomi, Captain Hart and Gisele, Georges and Jochebed Evident, and Poached and Callie.  That gives me five police and two teachers.  Do you have a boyfriend?”

Polly said that she did not.  Sandy looked surprised.  Then she asked if Guy Weiss might be a possible escort, not a date.  Polly said, “Guy is dating a PE teacher from that private school, Minnie Others.  They would qualify for both teacher and police, but does it have to be public schools or the university?”

Sandy said, “I will take Guy and Minnie if they want to do it, but I want you.  I would have taken Jayne Crane, but she is doing fine in Washington state.  She met the local sheriff as a courtesy and the two are going to a hoedown this weekend.  Boaz and I, Mom and Dad are all flying up there.  Buying the right type of dress for a barn dance, but Jayne?  She’s not plain Jayne anymore.  She is coming back to run security for the wedding.”

Missy stuttered, “B-b-but I have been designing the security arrangements.  With me being second in command, I thought I would be leading security.  You know, several people from Washington, DC are invited, the governor, it was going to be my biggest job ever.”

Sandy came over to Missy and gave her a big hug.  “Missy, you will be way too busy to run the show.  You can design it, but you will have to turn it over to Jayne.”

Missy was in tears, “But why can’t I run it?”

Sandy pulled away, “You will be too busy as my Maid of Honor, silly.”

Missy looked like she was going to faint.

Sophie said, “Mama Missy, breathe.  Slow breaths.  Lean against this tree over here.”

Sandy asked, “Who else, Missy?  My parents were shown the blackmail footage by Tyte Sphincter.  They paid him a quarter of a million dollars.  They had the money, but that was what they were going to retire on.  I know, Mommy Tinkie has control of the money after the court cases on Loose Sphincter are settled.  She will probably give them a million dollars.  Four times what they were cheated out of, but they saw their little girl doing despicable things and they disowned me.  To have someone walk me down the aisle, Mommy Tinkie and Scrambled are adopting me.  That means I will be marrying my brother.”

Sophie asked, “I know it’s just a technicality, but isn’t that incest?”

Sandy shook her head. “No, if we were brought up as brother and sister, it would be different.  If either adopting parent had even a remote bloodline connection, it might be frowned upon, but under the circumstances in this state, it’s legal – no bloodline connection, adopting after adulthood, no living together until after marriage, we’re cool.  Now, you have to walk down the aisle alone.  The best man will be next to Boaz up front, and he is the abbot at the monastery.  He is one of only a couple of the monks who are still there from when Boaz was left on their doorstep.  Please, Missy, be my Maid of Honor?”

Missy said, as the tears were falling, “But you are that for me, in my life, not just a marriage ceremony.  I was a scared teenager, only experience was having sex with men, but you made me a security guard.  When I stumbled, you picked me up.  You got the girls together and took an eighth-grade dropout to get her G.E.D. and now I am a freshman in college.  I owe my life to you.  This honor thing needs to be the other way around.”

Sandy laughed, “No, Missy, you were a sponge.  You wanted to learn, and you absorbed everything you were taught.  You taught me that anything is possible.  Besides, Jayne Crane is the only other senior security person, and she just joined us and then immediately moved.  Our Lily the Pink security has to be represented.  Besides we needed diversity in our wedding party.”

Missy huffed, “You can joke all you want, boss lady, but Angus and I spit into them tubes and mailed them off.  I will have you know that I am only 22% African, and I am 38% Scottish.  Angus is only 68% Scottish.  See, I will join your wedding party diversity as a Scot!”

They both had to laugh at that one.  Sandy then said, “I see it as an honor if you accept.  Now, for this misbehaving little one over here.  Sophie, enter our little huddle.”

Sophie came over, sulking.

Sandy continued. “We have a couple of additional problems with our wedding.  It is going to be a double wedding.  Jemima and Easter are going to get married at the same time, same place.  Jemima has asked Dr. Quinn to be her Maid of Honor and she deferred to Mary.  Mary then deferred to Dr. Quinn.  So, when they finally decided how to solve the problem of no one wanting to be Maid of Honor, or each thinking they were not worthy, the three chose you.”

“Wait!  Easter is marrying Jemima around Christmas?!  I’m the Maid of Honor?  Does that mean that Missy and I plan the bachelorette party together?  Does anyone have the number for Chippendales?”

Missy shook her head, “Little lady, you sure have had a one-track mind today.”

Sandy giggled, “And more news on the Yeggs home front.  I am starting to not like Naomi Yeggs.”

“She’s a great Mom!” Sophie said.

Sandy waved a hand, “Don’t make things worse. I am just jealous.  Your Mom has more doctorates than anyone I know.  She invented her own college department.  She may not be a student athlete anymore, but she maintains her body and looks like she can still play.  And she just created a singing group that will add one more talent-filled accolade.  The song has not been completed, but Lilith is writing something for the group to sing at the wedding, and Lilith will join them.  They will be the Purple Four.  Lilith has joined her mother with purple hair.  Pink Lady has pink hair now. And what blends with pink to make purple?”

Sophie scrunched up her nose, “Blue?”

Sandy said, “Don’t scream when you see your mother’s hairdo!”

I walked in about that moment and said that I was fine with Glyce having blue hair as long as I did not have to join her.

And like I said, the murderer was sloppy.  It seemed a young entrepreneur took some local Native American art pieces and set up a contract with a Chinese company to make cheap replicas and sell them worldwide, cutting out the tribe who felt the items were sacred.  Even the arrow used to kill him was made using ancient techniques.

Credits

A bairn maun creep afore it gangs. Missy explained what it means but it literally says “A child must crawl afore it goes.” bairn – child, maun – must, creep – to crawl, gang – to go. Courtesy of Scottish Proverbs, by Colin S. K. Walker