Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs.  I work homicide in the big city of Tracy.  Working for me are my old partners: Detective Sgt. Jim Wednesday and Detective Poached Yeggs, my nephew who is slowly becoming a good detective.

I have been “partnered” with my daughter Sophia in the past, but this bit of “investigation” was clearly off duty.  She was meeting with Missy Matthews, the other surprise Maid of Honor of the upcoming double wedding.  The rest of the story is a first-person Sophie report, but I got some of the information from the others that were involved.

I said, “Mama Missy, I know what you are saying.  My Mom will be there.  She may have loved the naughty lingerie party when Aunt Pink joined the family, but now it’s a little different.  Besides, some of those involved are the same and we need something fresh.  Even though there are no former prostitutes other than you and Sandy, you are sensitive to such activity.  And we always have to think about what might harm my cousin Boaz’s political career.  But can we have naked sandwiches?  Just for a little snicker factor?  You know, meat and bread on one side of the room and then condiments, veggies, and cheese on the opposite side of the room.”

Missy shook her head “No!  If the media heard the word ‘naked’ associated with Sandy’s bachelorette party, they will make up something terrible.  Then when the truth is known, they will bury their rebuttal.  The damage will be widespread.”

I nodded, “Okay, we want boring.  Boring, boring, boring.”

At that moment the dining room door (and Pink Lady office) burst open with Pauline walking in briskly.  Julia, a new guard with practically no training, ran behind her.  “Please, Miss Matthews, I tried to stop her.  Sharon stood in the doorway and this lady used some kind of martial arts move, and when Sharon went to the floor, my reaction was to check on Sharon, and this lady burst into the room.”

Missy laughed, “Julia, you have just started.  It will be well into your training before you learn about the Pauline Death Grip.”

Pauline interrupted, “The police!!  Now, you!?!  I have never killed anyone with my ultra massage technique.”

Missy and I said in unison, “YET!!”

Pauline huffed, looking angry.  “Julia, if that’s your name, I apologize, but what I was trying to tell Sharon is that I am a friend of these two ladies, and I have a request that might affect what they are presently planning.  So, with that in mind, is this really top secret anyway?”

Missy said, “Julia, it will be about thirty minutes before Sharon wakes up.  Go guard the door, please.  I’ll handle Pauline and her death grip.”  Then she burst out laughing.

I asked, “Well, is this really a secret?  Pauline is not in your wedding party or mine, but I want to know what went on between Zuzka and Otto.”

Missy smiled, “If Pauline tells you anything, maybe it will put your mind at ease, child.”

Pauline laughed, “Okay, you know that Otto and Zuzka came to me for therapy.  It was a combination of several factors.  They were frustrated and it became difficult, through their heartfelt efforts on one hand and their insecurities on the other, to consummate the marriage.  They did, but they were still uncomfortable.  But, my little codebreaker friend, they did not come to my house to get naked so that I could watch.  I had them wear their swimsuit as their underwear.  We pantomimed things from the first moment they broach the subject of intimacy to taking each other’s clothes off, stopping at the off-limits swimsuit.  Nothing naked, Okay.  They knew the brothel approach.  They knew dating without intimacy, at least nakedness.  Due to Otto’s rotten past, he fumbled the transition from a casual caress or kiss to something more intimate.  Zuzka wanted him to be confident.  Now what basically ended their therapy after the second session was that I was called away to the front door to dispatch an international hitman, wanted in a variety of countries.  I used my massage technique after a few carefully placed kicks between his legs and a disarming swipe of his knife hand with my martial arts skills.  I think he underestimated me, that is me being a woman.  But with him out cold and tied up, I returned to Otto and Zuzka and they had removed the swimsuits and they were not having any problems at all.  I let them have the spare bedroom until they were finished.  I am glad you did not come over at that point.  I walked in, saw more than I wanted to see, and I walked out.  So, little miss sex-obsessed, are you satisfied?”

I groaned, “I guess so.  So, why are you here?”

Pauline said, “I am here representing myself and one other lady.  We would like to crash your shower.”

Missy and I both said, “What!?”

I added, “We just decided to have a boring shower with nothing really interesting to do, and now we have crashers?  Will this tarnish the career of our dear Mr. Mayor?”

Pauline snickered, “You are too much, little one, but you are growing up rapidly.  Like your mother tells me, she keeps putting the rock on your head to prevent you from growing up and leaving the nest and you keep knocking it off.  Oops, maybe that was confidential between the two of us at our staff meetings.  I missed you as a babysitter this summer, but I found a new one.  Polly Pulice, police officer, has been intrigued by my ‘death grip’ and a few other skills.  She has volunteered to babysit if I teach her a few things.”

Missy said, “I have her on my list of bride’s maids, but she has no escort.”

Pauline raised a hand. “Never fear.  Pauline is here.  On one babysitting trip, a graduate student came to the house early and Polly invited him in.  They babysat together until I arrived.  I think they like each other.  He is a graduate assistant in our department, and he was coming over to clarify a few things that I had wanted him to teach.  He is a certified physical therapist who wants to get his PhD and be the first public supplier of Kinesiological Psychology, or as Soapy’s Dad calls it, Kinesie Pee.  He thinks he can make a difference in sex therapy, sports psychology, and that kind of thing.  Since most people have little idea what we are really doing, he thinks offering what the public thinks they know will help expand what they might eventually know.  But to practice, he’ll need to become the second doctorate under this squirt’s mother’s tutelage.  His name is Randall Handel, or Randy Handy or Handy Randy.  He answers to all three.  I think he’s looking to trademark the one name people use the most for his advertisements, once he hangs his shingle in a few years.”

I corrected, “Pauline, I am not a squirt.  I am becoming a lady of standing.  I may not be the maid of honor at the mayor’s wedding, but a maid of honor at the same ceremony.  And don’t you forget it.”

Missy shook her head, “And yeah, your wedding party is giving my security plans fits.  The mayor and Sandy have high ranking politicians and such coming.  Jemima and Easter are bringing the Communications department from the university to film the entire thing as a reality television series.  Camera crews everywhere!  The Turtle team driver and photographer get hitched.  Top story of the year for the Storm Chasing Channel.  Followed by the driver and photographer go on their honeymoon.  Jemima already has the classic joke filmed.  They went to a classy hotel room in town and filmed her talking about the weather outside, in great detail, months before the honeymoon, and then adding ‘and for the last three days, we have missed every bit of it.  We don’t even know if the sun is up outside!’  So, my fellow Maid of Honor, what you see on television is not always ‘reality.’  She plans on setting up cameras to get time lapsed photography of the weather, all while she and Easter are, ummm, doing something else.”

Pauline and I snickered.

Missy continued, “But the invitations have been passed on to people we did not expect.  The Secretary of Agriculture wants to take a tour of the ‘Crystal Mountain’ as many in DC are calling it.  The Secretary of Interior is also interested in the Crystal Mountain.  The Secretary of Energy loves what we are doing with the carbon recovery and energy conservation.  HUD and Labor want to check out the entire campus with mission families, workers, and how that all integrates.  The FDA and CDC heads want to visit with Jochebed and the university researchers.  The university is hoping for more funding for her witch doctor to patented medicine transitions.  I am thinking we might have a lot of undersecretaries, but you are looking at either cabinet members or undersecretaries for five departments and then other organizations that are under those or other government department umbrellas.  With that many in attendance, the VP is considering it.  All want to be present at the wedding and then while the two couples go off on a honeymoon, Mommy Tinkie and I will be giving tours.  And then with cameras everywhere, it is a nightmare for me, just planning it.  And then Jayne Crane flies in from Washington state, along with the big bosses from there.  Jayne then runs the security that I planned, trained, and set up.”

Pauline laughed, “I love that Mommy Tinkie thing.  I wonder if the CEO will remain that once little Kanok gets that ‘P’ sound down?”

Missy smiled, “We’ll see.  She is starting to say ‘Pinkie’ by exaggerating the ‘P’ and then planting a kiss.  She is a precious little thing.”

I said, “Hey! I’m still precious.  I haven’t totally grown up yet!”

Pauline laughed, “From what I have heard about this summer of being grounded while ‘thinking about love making’, it seems you have regressed!”

Missy had to laugh at that.  Then she got serious, “Who is this person that wants to crash the shower?”

Pauline smiled, “Finally, down to business.  She will make it worth your while.  She is thinking of providing the swag bags because she knows that a security chief and a preacher’s daughter do not have the funds to pull off a meaningful swag bag.”

I asked, “Swag bag?  As in celebrities at these gala events?”

Pauline nodded, “Not exorbitant, but something each of the wedding party women will use and enjoy.  Top of the line cosmetics.  Fashion.  Gift cards for online stores. Whatever you come up with within reason.  Maybe $500 value.”

Missy sputtered, “$500 a piece?  The wedding parties are not small.  My ladies, besides Sandy and me, are Sophie’s Mom, Gisele, Jochebed, Callie, Polly, and Minnie.  Sophie has a few herself.”

I nodded, “It is rather strange.  The only bride’s maids near Jemima’s age are Mary Sheltie and Lilith.  She has invited her two oldest half sisters, and then, Dr. Quinn, and Margaret Lothrop, who is not officially dating Dr. Kildare, but they are officially an item.  So, with me and Jemima, you have sixteen.”

Pauline said, “Good!  That’s only $8,000. To her, pocket change.  We will add an additional swag bag for Mommy Tinkie and Aunt Hortense, if you don’t mind them as add ons also.”

Missy choaked, “Who is this that wants to crash the party?”

Pauline said, “I cannot divulge my client’s name, but the codebreaker over here will figure it out soon.  She became a Christian about two weeks ago.  Due to fears of media interference, she had a private wedding that was filmed by drones, operated by her department heads who were the witnesses.  The entire company watched the wedding from their desks at the office over the live streaming from the drones.  Her wedding cake was not in the Guinness Book of World Records, but it was really nearly one hundred made-to-order cakes, one for each employee in the company and the coffee shoppe and the health clinic, all covered by fondant to make it look like one big cake.  The real wedding cake was on top, on the mezzanine level of the office building.  I represent her here since I was the Matron of Honor and Captain Hart was the Best Man.  We knew nothing until we arrived.  And there was my dress to put on and his tux.  And a dress for Gisele and a tux for Mashie.  How they got the exact measurements, I will never know, but the bride and groom have been known to do some hacking in their nefarious past (just never charged with anything).”

Missy shrugged, “Some crown princess of a country?!  This all sounds like a fantasy story or SciFi.”

I rolled my eyes, “Mama Missy, who in Tracy has as much or more money or at least self-monetary worth than Mommie Tinkie?  We are talking a half-billionaire, unless she has expanded that.  Who has been engaged to a fellow hacker and her chief department head for way too long, attending relationship classes held by Rev CSL?  Who has a huge twelve story office building with a penthouse apartment on top that could handle drones flying overhead, with department heads that know how to fly drones?  The office building has a coffee shoppe on the first floor and an Occupational Health Clinic that doubles as a family health clinic for the employees and contracted now with Captain Hart’s precinct?  The rest of the main floor is open to the mezzanine level where her people work on the next eleven floors.  And she is the president of the Hoity Toity Club where Mashie Niblick is the greenskeeper and thus, Pauline got to become good friends with her?”

Missy asked, “You got Amy G. Dala out of Pauline’s obscure fanciful comments?”

I laughed, “Okay, you were probably snuggling up close to Angus MacDougall during Rev CSL’s announcements last Sunday, but he said that Amy and Ralph E. (or as Amy says ‘Ralphie’) had been baptized and became members of the church at the early service last Sunday.  That was the clincher.”

Pauline said, “In her haste to get married and not let anything leak to the press, she only ‘invited’ me to be her Matron of Honor as I walked in with her already in her wedding gown and my gown standing there with a couple of her department heads ready to assist me getting it on.  I never had a chance to do my duty as a Matron of Honor, so, please, let us crash the party?  Here is some of my cake that she gave me.  Again, she learned by some hacking that I like hummingbird cake.”

Pauline pulled out slices of hummingbird cake.  I started inhaling it.

Then, I had an epiphany, “Hey!  Kck purt!  Shhh. Kck purt!”

Pauline said, “Chew first.  Swallow. Then talk.”

I growled, but I chewed and swallowed, but then reached for another bite.  Pauline was faster, taking it away.  “Talk, codebreaker!”

I frowned, “That cake is Uncle Scrambled’s recipe.  My idea that might not be boring.  What does every wedding reception have, other than the photographers taking over with their picture taking?”

Missy asked, “The wedding cakes?  The catered meal?”

I screamed, “The big cake! Let’s have a cake party.  Games like blind taste tests.  The brides take a bite out of ten, twenty cakes and since they probably already have a wedding cake idea, the winner for each bride becomes the groom cake.  I know Easter is clueless and Boaz, being the mayor, probably is too busy to think of a cake.  Then the swag bags can include cake related things.  Since we now have three ‘of Honor’ party planners, we can come up with a lot of cake-related party games.”

Pauline groaned, “But these ladies will not want to gain a lot of weight right before the wedding.”

Missy said, “But the cake tasting can be tiny bites.  Some can be sugarless, gluten free, etc.  And Sophie’s Mom and our new Matron of Honor teammate can lead us all in some exercises to keep the important dimensions in those dresses.  Little Sophie, you were saying ‘boring’ when Pauline walked in.  This is going to be fun!  And Lily the Pink Bakery will love the free advertising.”

Pauline laughed, “For about three days, all they did were cakes that went to Dala Optimization Improvements, and they subcontracted with every other bakery in town.”

I asked, “Will it still be DOI (pronouncing it ‘Doy’)?”

Pauline snickered, “Sweetie, Amy G. Dala spells ‘amygdala.’ It is a nickname her parents gave her when she was a teenager.  It isn’t her real name anyway.  She can be Mrs. Ralph E. Newman and Amy G. Dala, all at the same time.”

Credits

The largest wedding cake was 15,032 pounds, made for a convention in Connecticut, not a real wedding.  A standard layer cake is about 6-7 pounds, or about 2,000+ smaller cakes inside the record breaker.  The Dala cake was only about a ton, mostly for the frame to help keep the cakes supported and cooled.  Which may have been part of the record breaker, come to think of it.