Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I am Mashie Niblick.  I am presently employed as the greenskeeper of the Hoity Toity Golf Club in the big city of Tracy. We were settling down for her Christmas break from classes.  The golf course was shut down.  Pauline had a few therapy sessions during the Christmas break, but we were mostly off for two weeks.  While these reports are usually pieced together from various accounts, I was here for this entire misadventure.

I was tending a fire in the fireplace.  Baffy was in her room watching her favorite cartoons, Donald Duck with his three nephews, Huey, Dewey, and Louie.  For those wondering about why Pauline calls Hugh McAdoo, our part-time boss, “Huey,” wonder no more.  She watches the cartoons with Baffy.

I heard a sultry voice behind me.  Pauline said, “Mashie, I have some greens keeping for you to do.”

Without turning around, I said, “Pauline, the golf course is shut down for the winter.  I have a lot of work to do at the course, but my part-time staff is off.  And there is no greens keeping this time of year.  The ground is not frozen yet, but it will be.  It’s just maintenance of the course in general, watching the health of the trees, stuff like that.”

Pauline purred, “But I have some special greens keeping right here in the den for you to do.  I think it’s a job designed just for you.”

I sighed, “Pauline, I am tired.  Can we just enjoy a nice fire in the fireplace?  You know, it’s a romantic touch that we can enjoy this time of year.”

Pauline growled, “Mashie, if you do not turn around and look in my general direction, there will be no romance tonight.  Or maybe for another week.  That is saying something in that we are going to a double wedding in a couple of days.”

I have learned that when she uses that voice, I must do as she says.  I turned around.  With only the fireplace to illuminate Pauline, I saw her dressed in the strangest lingerie I had ever seen.

Pauline asked, “Do you like it?  Gwen Quinn had it designed specifically with you in mind.  The babydoll is a model of a nine hole golf course, but you being a greenskeeper, you would want to cut the grass by pulling on the little green tabs.  You can check out the bunkers by pulling the tan tabs.”

I asked, “I guess the blue tabs are the water hazards?”

She nodded, ‘Now start doing your work, greenskeeper.”

I asked another question, “If we get this completely disassembled, do we just toss it away?”

Pauline said in a small voice, “Oh, no, greenskeeper.  You keep the parts and I have an entire instruction book on how to assemble the golf course again.  But if you will do less talking and more greens keeping, I would appreciate it.”

I stupidly asked another question, “Should we put Baffy down for the night?”

Pauline growled, “Listen, buster, you either play this game of golf or you sleep on the couch!”

I started pulling tabs.  I did it slowly.  Occasionally, Pauline would giggle and say that one tickled.  That gave me a chance to stop working by the light of the fireplace and kiss her.  As more of the lingerie beneath the baby doll became exposed, there was little being covered.  And the naughty bits?  Hardly at all.  After all, Gwen Quinn was the master of obtaining naughty lingerie, and she loved giving them out at wedding parties.  And for the latest shower, she gave Pauline a fresh supply.  But even with the kissing and roaming hands, she would get irritated when I completely quit pulling tabs.

With one particular tan tab, it got stuck.  I said, “This sand hazard is stuck!”

Pauline said, “No, dear, those are bunkers.”

Then, the lights came on and a familiar voice said, “No!  It’s a trap! You know, like that guy on Star Wars.”  It was Hugh McAdoo in our kitchen.

Pauline screamed, “What is he doing here?!  EEEEEEEEEK!” She used her hands and arms to cover as much as she could as she ran to the bedroom.

Hugh yelled, “No worries, Pauline!  I didn’t see anything.”

I turned to Hugh and asked, “What are you doing here?”

Hugh said, “I just flew in from over the North Pole and, boy, are my arms tired.  By the way, you are out of Egg Nog.”

I said, “I just bought a quart on my way home today!”

Hugh nodded, “Yeah, and you are now out!  And, Mashie, your wife has a very impressive tushie!”

I retorted, “And you said that you did not see anything.”

Hugh chuckled, “You are a super spy.  Pauline is a super analyst and a pain in the tushie with that death grip of hers.  And me, I am a spy master.  If I did not pick a lock every now and then and tell a lie every now and then, what kind of spy master would I be?”

Pauline came back in wearing the least flattering flannel robe mankind had ever made.  “So, Huey, since you were not telling the truth, you saw more than you should.  And my super spy over here was half as good as he thinks he is, you would already be paying for being a peeping Tom.”

I shrugged, “But he signs the checks!  That’s why I think you should call him ‘Hugh’ or ‘Mr. McAdoo.’”

Pauline sneered, “Dewey signs the order to pay us.  We have direct deposit.  No one physically signs the check.  And, Huey, why are you here and where is Louie?”

Hugh sighed, “I am with Mashie on this Huey thing.  Dewey, being the one who does the ‘doing’, is getting tired of the ‘doing’.  Louie is just whoever is in the hallway at the time.  Since I have the pilots servicing the plane at the airport, I drove over here, bearing gifts.  Oops.  The gifts are in the SUV.  I am not being a good Santa Claus when I leave the bag in the sleigh.”

Baffy toddled into the room, “Who-doo Louie!”  She ran over and gave Hugh a big hug.

“I don’t get that kind of welcome, what gives!?” I grumbled.

Hugh said, “She knows how to treat the boss.  And for being so good, my latest new hire gets even more presents!”

Pauline asked, “Umm, Huey?  Did you say new hire?  Baffy?”

Hugh nodded, “Oh, yes!  When I was here the last time, I got her to sign a contract, but there was a slight glitch.  The human resources manager would accept signature in crayon, but only if it was black or blue-black.  A signature in an orange crayon was not acceptable.  I just happen to have a black crayon with me.  So, Baffy, are you ready to sign again?”

Pauline screamed, “No!  Not my Baffy.”  She ran across the room to retrieve her baby, who was giggling.  Baffy kind of likes her “Uncle Who-doo Louie.”

With Baffy safe from Hugh’s recruitment clutches, Pauline said, “Mashie, I have to go change and call Naomi.  She can come pick up Baffy and babysit until we get back.  Are the bugout bags ready?”

I replied, “We stole a few diapers from Baffy’s bag, but I went to the store today to get another case.  It is now topped off.  I also got some Egg Nog…”

Pauline brightened, “Oh, goodie!  I can have a cup of Egg Nog before we have to leave.”  I pointed to Hugh and made the hand signal for chugalug.  She asked, “The entire quart?!”  I nodded.

Hugh asked, “What are you two talking about bugging out?”

Pauline stared at Hugh, “You come around holiday time and you steal our holiday from us so that we can retrieve an agent and debrief them.  We get back just in time to go back to work.  And this time, you drank my Egg Nog!  You steal Christmas and the things that only come around at Christmas!  If you want to be called ‘Hugh,’ be nicer!”

Hugh shrugged, “But I am not here to give you an assignment.  I am hurt.  You think I only visit because of work.  I flew here directly over the North Pole, hint, hint, and I am here to deliver presents.  When I leave here, I have to go to Lily the Pink.  I have presents for Millennium, Gwen, and all the children we picked up from around the world.  I would try to mention them, but I would forget one and then I would have crying mothers and children on my hands.  It’s a good thing Dewey keeps me straight.”

Pauline snickered, “I thought Dewey did not like being called Dewey.”

Hugh waved a hand, “Her name and mine are classified.  Mashie was not born Mashie Niblick, but the two of you like that one.”

I asked, “Wait!  You said you were hurt?  I have known you a long time, Hugh.  You do not have a ‘hurt-bone’ in your body.”

Hugh puffed out his chest and moved his arms around.  “Oh, Mashie, I have a lot of bones that hurt.  I am older than you are, and this is a physical job at times.”

I shook my head, “No, Hugh, not hurt bones, a ‘hurt-bone’ that bone that detects that your feelings, which you have none of, should be ‘hurt’.  The ‘hurt-bone’ then tells you to respond in a way that fakes having hurt feelings.  And you, my friend, do not even have a hurt-bone to tell you when you should fake having hurt feelings.  I suppose it comes with the job.”

Hugh nodded, “Yeah, it does.  My wife is at home spending a month’s salary on the dress she is going to wear to the wedding.  But I was on the far side of the world, and I started thinking about how I missed our children growing up.  I think if it were not for the wedding this weekend and being able to pretend to be normal people for a change, I think my wife would have divorced me this year.  Millennium called in a raid and rescue, only to come up with Asha as the only survivor.  And somewhere along the way on that raid, Millennium got sick.  I was back and forth setting up medical care, rescuing more children.  Above all else, I will go home, pack our bags to return and then the cabinet members have reserved a small jet, and they have room for two more to fly with them.  None of them will know me, maybe one.  And then when we get back here for the weddings, my wife wants to see the mayor’s wedding and she wants to meet all those children.  Then when she sees them, she’ll know all the loneliness was worth it.”

Pauline smiled, “That was touching, but then again, you are the master of lies.”

Hugh cleared his throat, “I’m the master of spies!  Spies, not lies!  Please, get that straight.”

Pauline laughed with that deep throaty laugh that she saves for just such occasions.  “And one of the first lessons that you teach your spies is how to be effective when they lie.  Don’t deny it!  I have attended that class!”

I snickered, “She has you on that one, Hugh.”

“Cut the crap, you two, and Mashie, I need some help sorting the presents.”

As I sorted the presents that he had literally thrown into the trunk, I turned to him.  “No, Hugh, you cut the crap.  You have never given out presents to any company employees or their children before.  What is going on, Hugh?  And you have a present for me, Pauline, Millenium, and two for Gwen.  Gwen is not even an employee.”

Hugh had tears in his eyes.  “Honest, Mashie, I have never met a woman who is as loving as Gwen Quinn.  She accepted everyone like they were a long lost brother or sister.  She hugged.  She laughed.  She cried.  And when children were in danger, she turned to her Millie – the only other people that I know who call him Millie are Pauline and Mary Tozer.  I hear Deviled Yeggs got a bloody nose and two black eyes for calling him Millie.  Gwen told Millie that they had to take that child away from the danger.  It did not matter how big their little family became.  And I was there to perform the miraculous paperwork that made it happen.  My wife was perturbed that I was gone so much, but as I told her about what Gwen did, she wanted to meet Millennium and Gwen, and she had to meet those children.  Yes, I have presents for Pink’s children, Kanok and Joon.  I have presents for Valin, Thanh, Asha, and Catalina.  I have several presents for Baffy.  And the reason Gwen has two is that the one she is supposed to open last on Christmas morning is her SAT phone.  I found it in the rubble of the earthquake.  Our techs in the office got it working again.  That phone had all Gwen’s pictures and all her notes she had taken about every woman that Millie ever rescued.  When Gwen gets ready to publish her book, she will let us review it before taking it to a publisher.  She wants to name it: Redemption: God at work around the world.  And Mashie, I will let you know and no others, but I have been attending church with my wife lately.  Being with Gwen and Millennium this past year has changed my life.  But as for this Christmas, I literally flew over the North Pole to get here.  Let me play Santa for just one night.  Then it’s a rush to get home and then come back in a couple of days for a wedding or two.”

I asked, “You keep saying ‘my wife.’ Does she have a name?”

Hugh laughed, “You know that the name I was born with was not Hugh McAdoo.  She is Sue McAdoo.  If you question either one of us, we have driver’s licenses and passports to prove it.”

As I held a large bag with my family’s gifts, Hugh turned the Black Phantom SUV around in the cul-de-sac.

And before he disappeared from sight, he rolled down the window.  And then he said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! A Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”

When I returned to the den, Pauline was wearing the lingerie that Gwen had especially designed for her.  Baffy was in bed, but she was not asleep.  She would be asleep soon, but Baffy had to show her independence by going to sleep on her terms, not ours.

I went back to tend the fire and Pauline curled up, laying her head on my chest.

I said, “Hmmm!  I think I have found the problem with that sand bunker, hazard, trap.”

Pauline asked, “I thought you did not like the name ‘bunker’?”

I mused, “For the sake of romance, I will use all three.  The USGA and the R&A may hold the rights to the rules, but that is golf, and this is only a lovely golf course.  With romance, we can make up our own rules.”

“Oh, you smooth talker, you!” Pauline purred.  “But what problem did you find with that tan tab?”

“It’s hung up on this hook.  Let me get in unhooked and then we can finish the greens keeping,” I said.  And then as I freed the tan tab from the hook, I realized that the hook was what held the baby doll in place.  As the hook was inadvertently released, the baby doll fell to the floor.

Pauline placed her hands over her mouth, now only wearing underwear that left nothing to the imagination, “Oh, dear!  What are we ever to do?”

I replied, “Never fear, the greenskeeper is here.”

And this ends our story.  There may have been more to the story, but only the fire in the fireplace witnessed it.  And the fire isn’t talking.

Credits

The Perils of Pauline was a movie serial started in 1914. It defined many serials that followed, including the Perils of Pauline “moment,” the cliffhanger that caused you to return to the theater for the next installment.

And Huey, Dewey, and Louie are the nephews of Donald Duck and Scrooge McDuck is their great-uncle.  Baffy just shortens it to Who-Doo Louie.  You can only tell them apart by their caps: red, blue, and green.  But as mentioned when Hugh McAdoo was first introduced, besides the rhyme, his name was derived from the Roger Miller hit song, Do-Wacka-Do.

The “just flew in here, and boy are my arms tired” is an old Red Skelton joke.  He was, in his way, a hero of mine.

The Egg Nog being chugalugged in one sitting was my first introduction to my wife’s only older brother, she being second oldest.  I bought a quart of Egg Nog for everyone to have a little.  He chugalugged half the quart, straight from the carton, and then chugalugged the rest.  Only stopping to scratch his stomach in the middle of this “introduction.”

When I signed countless government forms to receive the Army ROTC scholarship and induction etc. that followed.  Everything had to be signed in either black or blue-black ink.  And I have heard that the “spy agencies” are heavy recruiters on college campuses, but maybe not toddlers … yet.

As for signing in crayon, my son had a form that needed a parent’s signature.  We had both told the boys to never spring a form on us at the last minute, so he forged his mother’s signature.  A couple of hours later, the teacher called.  She told my wife that her son would be trouble in that he forged her signature perfectly.  The teacher would have been fooled if he had not used a crayon.  After the two of them quit laughing, our son was given permission to go on the field trip.

And if you are wondering if a child born only on New Year’s Day of this year could really be talking before Christmas, my wife was talking at nine-months old, and she was talking in complete sentences by the time she was one year old.

The idea that Hugh and Sue McAdoo could prove those were their real names by showing a driver’s license came from an old story from a friend at the NASA project.  The woman was one of the top explosive materials scientists in the world.  She was from East Germany.  She smuggled herself to the West by hiding in a steamer trunk in the trunk of a car.  Since the rocket motors we were going to make were filled with an explosive, technically due to the high rate that the fuel burned, she ran the analytical lab.  She was a brilliant woman, but she spoke English with a very thick German accent.  When the NASA site was closed down, she quickly got a job with a company making air bags for automobiles.  In a conference at her new job, someone interrupted what she was saying to rudely ask where she was from.  This insulted her, but she swallowed to give herself a chance to calm down.  She then said, “I am from Alabama.  If you need proof, I will show you my driver’s license!”

In the poem, A Visit from St. Nicholas, Clement Clarke Moore wrote “But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, ‘Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night’.”  So, Hugh said “Merry Christmas!”  Oops!

USGA – United States Golf Association
R&A – the Royal and Ancient
The USGA and R&A try to collaborate to make the rules of golf around the world consistent and fair.