Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Easter Yeggs, son of Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs and Dr. Trinity Naomi Tesla, that’s TNT, Yeggs, PhD and many other initials, but most people call her Glyce, pronounced “Gliss,” since it is short for Nitroglycerin. She explodes when shaken.

Hi, everyone!  This is Jemima, and Easy’s boilerplate has got to go!!!

“We are Jemima and Easter Yeggs.  Lieutenant Yeggs wants his son to write these reports to keep in touch when we are out having our adventures, and Rev C.S.L., my Dad, doesn’t mind an update either.”

Now that’s better!

It has only been a few days, and Easy gave me the task of writing this missive while he went out to drive around the island with his new friend.  Easy said that since we were two and now we are one, me writing was just as good as he writing, but then again, he was about to go out on a joyride.  More on that later.

But that puts me all alone in the honeymoon suite, because the mayor and his First Lady would rather feel presidential than sleep in a heart shaped bed.  “Hey, yoo-hoo, across the hall.  My husband is out having a joyride, and no one is using the heart shaped bed at the moment!!!!”

I mean, all alone, on my honeymoon, in a huge suite of rooms, abandoned … deserted … lonely … <sniff> about to break down into hysterics … <sniff> …  The separation anxiety is overtaking me!!!!

Had you going there, didn’t I?!

And Dad, I want to thank you so much for having us wait.  It was GREAT!!!  That’s Tony the Tiger kind of great and even better.

Okay, okay, okay.  Too many things that have to be explained later, or maybe not explained as it might get weird…

If you love these adventures, there have not been any for a long time.  We stayed in the Big Bend area of Florida helping hurricane victims after our last adventure which involved the two, now known as Bossy Boss (B.B.) and Home Wrecker, who delivered a baby during the storm.

Since then, we have been busy going to class.  Can you imagine it?!  Here it is well into the Twenty-first Century and there are university professors that demand that you attend class?  Really?!  I mean, in what century did they get their degrees?  My professors with a lack of “understanding” were in the field of photography – like I could not e-mail the photographs in from just about anywhere else.  For Easy, it was his Mechanical engineering classes.  You know, if we just went with a single undergrad major, we’d be done by now!  And we have only been at it for one and a half years, but then there were two summer sessions and testing out of a lot of classes…

But really, we are not in a big rush for another five years.  Easy is the driver of the Turtle due to being a student.  If he were the driver of the Turtle outside the university umbrella, he would have to have a commercial driver’s license and be over twenty-five due to the hazards involved.  Wow!  In five years, Easy will have rewritten the book on storm chasing driving, but then again, I’m prejudiced.  He’s my hugga bear.

But that leads this adventure up to a double wedding.  When Boaz and Cassie announced their wedding, Easy and I started talking about our plans.  Our plan – to get married once we were technically seniors.  We may not graduate for 2-3 years, but we are technically seniors.  What changed our plans is this Storm Chasing channel that we are in the middle of.  Other reality television stars may make millions, but we have promises of residuals, but we are simply getting a small stipend plus college credits.  What is wrong with this picture?

So, one day when I was visiting with Cassie, then called Sandy, she suggested that the cousins could get married at the same time.  We thought that would be great until we considered the combined craziness of a mayoral marriage on one side and a reality television wedding on the other.  Missy Matthews, almost MacDougall, was great at planning the entire security plan and the wedding had to be by invitation only.  The local and state media were livid when we gave our television crew an exclusive, and even then, the reality TV people were in a couple of the Lily the Pink offices watching on the monitors, except for a couple of people roaming around taking photographs.

Cassie’s lavender gown, lavender scented for an extra touch, was out of this world.  She had a huge train that was lavender also with an overlay of royal purple lace.  She looked like a queen.  Menzie MacDougall managed the train, being a late addition to both wedding parties.  The bride’s maids and matrons were fantastic, and the dresses were not those that you would wear once and toss away.  A winter wedding allowed for darker colors.  Guys in tuxedos are always a combination of very handsome and so awkward (when will this thing be over?!).

My wedding gown was so white that it stood out in the greenhouse, which is starting to be called the Crystal Mountain.  Aunt Pink was crying buckets.  One of her own was marrying her son, and I was wearing white.  Again Menzie handled the train.  Menzie and the Maids of honor, Missy Matthews and my sister-in-law, now, Sophia Yeggs, helped Menzie unhooking the bustles to which our trains were attached so that we could do the required dances.

We nearly had an incident.  Someone from the Washington DC contingent recognized GrandPa, Millennium Yeggs, as being a safe cracker wanted in a dozen countries around the world.  GrandPa was hurting, but he refused the oxygen.  He was in a wheelchair.  What would it hurt to just let it go, but this bureaucrat wouldn’t let it go until Hugh McAdoo tapped him on the shoulder and told him that GrandPa worked for him.  There was no need to call Interpol.  Sue McAdoo looked to be so proud of her husband and how he handled the incident.

There was another incident later, at the reception, but I have no idea what it was about.  A couple of local government officials went with Pink Lady and Missy into her office, I think.  Maybe Pink Lady can report on that.

The cameras for the reality television program were so well hidden that it looked like we had less photography than a normal wedding.  But we were assured that both weddings were covered from every angle.

The ceremonies were both standard.  We each modified our own vows a little, but Cassie and I both said ‘obey’.  We thought under the circumstances that was necessary, but we meant it when we said it anyway.

See?!  Abandoned on an island in the Caribbean, and I still stand by the ‘obey’.  Hey!  It is God’s plan, and if Easy loves me and he submits to me as I submit to him, then, I will never have to argue about obeying and he will give me a chance to give input.  Yeah, Dad covered that in our relationships Bible study.  Easter and I were the guinea pigs and then he gave the course to several other couples, Boaz and Cassie being just one of many.

My father had fun at the ceremony.  He asked Scrambled Yeggs, “Who gives this woman to be this man’s lawful wife?”  And then he tips his hat to Boaz’s best man, Father Jerome, who asked him the same question regarding me.  I didn’t think Dad could run that fast. Just kidding, Dad.

Being the Abbot of the monastery, Father Jerome, Jerry to the wedding parties, had to say a few words about Boaz, while Dad said a few words about Easy and me.  Then after some cake cutting and tossing things, we were off to the airport.  Oh, for Cassie’s wedding, Polly caught the bouquet and Randy caught the garter.  A few of the others complained that they had just started dating, but at least both for the same couple got the pressure of being next to get married.  For our wedding, Mary Sheltie caught the bouquet and Ben Casey caught the garter.  The two couples looked at each other for a weird minute, and then Joseph Jones quipped that if any of them proposed anytime soon, it could be another double wedding.  The crowd went crazy at that point.

But on to the flight to the undisclosed island…

When the two couples had got together, one of our choices was the same.  We both had reasons to go to this island outside of just being a honeymoon.  So, that became our destination.  Amy G. Dala insisted on providing the transportation, splitting the cabin into two private bedrooms, and insisting that we consummate the marriage in flight.

It was GREAT!!  Back to the Tony the Tiger thing!  Really Great!!

But Easy and I fell asleep immediately after becoming members of the mile high club.  And I have a bone to pick with the namers of the club.  If the plane is cruising at 41,000 ft, should it not be the eight-mile club?!  Okay, Easy said that I should suggest the 7.765 mile high club, but I think he is starting to think like an engineer. … Should I be worried?  I told him that the 41,000 ft was just an estimate anyway…”

Okay, when we hit some turbulence, Easy and I woke up and talked about how we were so excited that we rushed things the first time.  So, we tried it again, and right when we were not ready to stop what we were doing, the pilot said to return to our seats and buckle up for the descent.  Cassie was the only one with two-way communication.  She said, “The two rabbits in the back are still at it.  Can we circle for a little while?”  The pilots said that they had plenty of fuel, but Easy and I got into a hurry.  We were so embarrassed.  When we opened the door between the cabins, Cassie invited us into their cabin.  They had four first-class seats, two facing the other two.  They wanted to talk as we descended.

I asked, “Were we loud?  I mean, you knew what we were doing…  It is a bit embarrassing.  We didn’t hear you at all.”

Boaz and Cassie smiled.  Cassie said, “We were trying to be quiet.  Being quiet does not mean we were not doing anything.  Boaz was quite the gentleman.”

Boaz added, “But then again, it was hard to miss, ‘Right there!  Right there!  Don’t stop!  Don’t stop!’”

They burst out laughing, but Easy and I turned red.  I started to cry.  “I messed things up!”

Cassie reached out and took my hand.  “No, Sweetie, you did everything perfectly.  It was your wedding night.  You waited to discover each other, and it is obvious that you did.  The wall is paper thin.  You have a clear voice.  Were you a cheerleader?”

I shook my head, still embarrassed.

Cassie continued, “But in my situation, I could not do that.  I had been the dominatrix for Baldwyn Apple’s stable.  I had to let the mayor be in charge.  I am sure that once we get past the basics of consummating the marriage, he loves me enough to want to know what pleases me.  But for now, I need to heal.  I need to let him take the lead.  You two are not damaged and it seems you were discovering each other with no hangups or inhibitions.  You are married.  Don’t ever lose that desire for each other.”

Boaz leaned over, “But I want to know what your plans are when we get to the island.  We each had reasons to come to this one particular island.  A little later today, since we flew here during the night, I am meeting with a particular bank manager.  It seems my grandmother, my mother’s mother, had a sizable bank account here and I am her sole beneficiary.  I guess she thought my mother was well cared for.  This is also the bank where my mother’s account had been stolen by the Sphincters through identity theft.  It seems that Red Delicious used this bank to establish accounts for all the major players and some of their children.  My grandfather, Ashmead Apple, has millions here and Red Delicious had an account set up in my name.  In my position as mayor, I cannot profit from criminal activity, even if that activity was before I was born.  So, I am transferring my money and my grandmother’s money into Mom’s account.  And if we can look over the manager’s shoulder or a reflection in a mirror, we might catch who else has an account here.  The island does not cooperate with any USA law enforcement agency, local, state, or federal, but knowing where these criminals have to go to get their money, we might block the flow.  I would appreciate it if you came with us.  More eyes to catch information that the bank manager did not wish to show, and witnesses to me refusing the money.  Mom will give it away.  I hear that the PLAYhouse is expanding.  The rest of our stay is wide open.  Of course, we need to take a tour of the island.  Maybe we will pick up some seashells on the beach.  Now, what are your plans?”

Easy replied, “The minister of weather advisories for this group of islands, although only two are occupied, was one of the first customers for our weather forecast system.  It seems he is the weather man for the television channel as well as the government minister.  He says that their television rating system rates our reality television segments highly here.  Odd, Tracy doesn’t even carry them, and we have a lot more channels.  The letters that have been sent to the television station want more stories of Stinker, Bossy Boss, Home Wrecker, and Easy.  I think they have no idea that we have real names.  We are going to be interviewed tomorrow, a special Christmas present for our local fans.  I just hope we do not get mobbed on the streets.  Who knows, maybe the government minister can arrange a private tour of the island.  Tomorrow is Sunday and the minister knows we are Christians.  He is arranging for transportation to pick us up, take us to church, then take us to lunch, and then go straight to the station for the interview.  He mentioned that you could come along.  He might even invite you onto the set.”

Boaz and Cassie agreed.  He was used to being interviewed and this would be our first time other than short segments to blend with the live action on the reality television show.  Boaz and Cassie would probably look more put together than Easy and me.

As it turned out they did, but the weather minister had bought an SUV and he wanted Easy to give him a test drive, storm chasing style.  So, now they are off, on Christmas day, joy riding, and I am on the top floor of a five-star hotel, thanks to Amy G. Dala, getting a winter tan.  Tomorrow is supposed to be a bit cloudy, and I promised the weather minister that I would show him how to set up time-lapse.  During the interview, I explained the trick to the successful time-lapse was to read the radar accurately, keep an eye on the projected radar and weather mathematical model results.  That puts the camera in the right place.  Then it is good fortune to line up on a storm that percolates before your eyes.  With God’s blessings, that could happen tomorrow morning, Boxing Day, and while the shots are being made automatically, the weather minister will take all of us on the tour.

And Ms. Dala, your pilots got married in a quickie wedding down here.  I know you hired a female co-pilot because you do not care much about gender when hiring, but when you sit next to someone for many hours at a time and you learn to trust them, what did you think might happen?!

We are flying home in plenty of time to move into our new home before Missy’s wedding.  While this has been a wonderful experience, moving into our own apartment at Lily the Pink will be fun too.  I heard they have furniture already in the apartment.  Boaz and Cassie announced that they would be moving into their house when they returned, and the same little birdie told me that Aunt Pink has been moving furniture into the house.  The only things that Boaz had were a bed, a kitchen table with chairs, and a sofa.  Boaz made his level of wedding gift value too low to get any furniture.  And Pink Lady had a lot of old furniture in the apartments, that has been replaced by new furniture from the Poached and Callie warehouse home of theirs.  Poached says they have very little left in storage, so maybe it is turning into a home on one side and a security business on the other.

And Mom and Dad Yeggs, the bank had a private beach, and they gave us the security code.  We did that thing that you did on your honeymoon.  The one you have spent most of your married life denying.  You know, the midnight stroll along the beach and then let nature take its course…  And you are right, sand gets into places that are far from comfortable.

So, that is about all that I have to report on.  I am doing time lapses of sunny days, which are rather boring.  “Oooh, there was a tiny cloud.  Hello, tiny cloud.  Goodbye, tiny cloud.  Yawn!!”  We are doing the usual honeymoon things, and I will say no more about that.  They tell you not to kiss and tell, and I have already said enough embarrassing things already.  So, I have to go now anyway.  Boaz and Cassie are inviting me over to the presidential suite.  Gotta go!  And thinking about my sunbathing, I might have to put more clothes on.  I am not dressed very ‘presidential’ at the moment.

Credits

The island is never mentioned and there are many to choose from.

Tony the Tiger is the cartoon spokesman for Frosted Flakes.  His lengthy yelling of “Great” is his tag line.

While these days, brides might wear white regardless, but tradition says it is for purity, and non-virgins would have to wear a different color.  Cassie being a former prostitute could not claim virginity, and Pink Lady insisted that her ladies not wear white.  They might not hear the gossip, but there would be horrible things said in pretending to be virtuous.  But Pink Lady also insisted that the ladies know that once you accept Jesus, all those past sins are washed away.  In God’s eyes the ladies are wearing white.