Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

You became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering with the joy given by the Holy Spirit.

• 1 Thessalonians 1:6

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

• James 1:2-3

I have written about my recent trip to the ER and having a monster-sized kidney stone.  With the size and the location, right at the kidney, I have a stent to relieve the pain until they can do a carefully planned surgery.

But the other day, a week or so ago, I was marveling about the lack of pain.  I was having monumental difficulty in controlling my bladder, but the pain was gone.  Not from the surgery.  Not from the irritation caused by the catheter.  I had not felt this good in several months.

I thought back.  It was at least the summer when I felt halfway decent, but the grief process was in full swing at the time.  So, maybe I did not feel right, but my body was not ill.

Then I ate some tacos in August and had what I thought was an IBS attack.  Then two more IBS attacks in October and November.  But were they IBS attacks?  In some cases, I was eating food that I had determined was safe, but borderline, having to control the amount eaten.  In other cases, the food was well within the borders of my diet.  I did not even have to worry about how much I ate.  I was having enough problems that I was determined to talk to my family doctor about it.

Then, this latest “IBS” attack showed no inflammation of the intestines but a huge kidney stone on one of the kidneys blocking anything getting out of the kidney.  For those who have had kidney stones, it is the expansion of the ureter to allow some fluid to flow around the blockage that identifies the problem as kidney stones.  But I had none of that.  The kidney simply could not get fluid into the ureter.  So, where did the poisons that the kidney filters end up?  Back in the body, causing an illness similar to IBS.

I sat, thinking of that, and suddenly, it dawned on me that was what my wife faced every day of her kidney failure.

She had surgery in 2003.  Her kidneys failed during the surgery.  It was thought that it was an allergic reaction to the anesthesia.  She regained back to about 50%.  But each time she got ill or had another surgery, her kidney function would dip a little lower.  Oddly, the kidney function stayed the same when she had open-heart surgery in 2018.  But then in 2020 she went onto kidney dialysis.  She died nearly ten months ago.

So, at what point was her normal day what I felt at my sickest?  Did she always feel as sick as I felt these past few months, or did it come in waves?

When you are a loved one’s caregiver, you can have sympathy.  You can even feel pain in having empathy.  But God has given me a wonderful blessing.  Without it being permanent, at least I hope the stone will be gone in a week or two, I got to experience the pain more directly, the pain of your kidneys simply not functioning.

I thought I was just getting old.  I even wrote a post entitled 206 Miracles, because for weeks I would stare at the ceiling each morning and complain to God that all 206 bones in my body had to be broken and within an hour, I was up working – thus 206 miracles.  But that pain that affected every part of my body was gone a few days after the stent was put in.  As I started this post, I am feeling better than I have in months.  I thought it was old age, but it was a kidney stone preventing a kidney from functioning properly.

To all those out there who have end stage kidney failure, I heart goes out to you, and I will pray for you.  To those who are healthy, think of donating a kidney.  And to those, like my wife, who suffered without letting anyone know she was in pain, you are mighty warriors indeed.

Knowing the pain helps me understand her plight even better.  She often said, when I got playful, trying to get her to laugh, “Don’t you understand that I am dead.  They just haven’t thrown dirt on me yet.”  But she would only say that to me.  With everyone else, she greeted them with a smile, no matter how much pain she was in.  I have a role model to live up to, and it is going to be hard to duplicate her strength.

But God deserves the praise.  I have suffered ever so briefly as she did, and now I know.

Soli Deo Gloria.  Only to God be the Glory.