Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

On New Year’s Eve, we had a very special holiday bash at the Crystal Mountain.  Yes, I have caved in.  It is now the Crystal Mountain.

There was a stir before the ceremony started.  As Rev C.S.L. started some introductory remarks, a middle-aged man in a Campbell kilt arose.  He said, “Preacher, I would like to correct an error here.  The bride should have walked down the aisle with her father.”

Rev C.S.L. said, “But she has no known father, and her mother is in jail awaiting trial.”

The man replied, “I am Felix Campbell.  Missy, I am your father.  I talked it over with Maude after Duncan insisted that we discuss this.  Be it ever so briefly, welcome to the Campbell clan.”  Missy was crying, but to her credit, she did not faint.

Maude Campbell walked down the aisle and sat next to Menzie.  They had left two empty chairs, symbolic of Missy not having parents in attendance.  She said, “You can call me Grannie.  Duncan told me that your name is Menzie, but you have two children?”

Menzie gave her a hug and then introduced Lauren who was standing next to her.  Sammie was being held by Samuel Farquharson and Judge Farquharson with his wife, Elspeth, next to him.  By the end of the ceremony, Lauren was sitting in Maude’s lap laughing.

While they got to know each other, Missy cried in her father’s arms.  She had wormed it out of relatives that they thought it was Felix Campbell, but she did not know for sure, and they had never met.  But when she thought she was cried out, she turned to face the pastor with her father helping to hold her up.  Duncan was beaming.  He had seen his parents heal after his father confessed his sin, and Duncan now had a sister.  And his mom was not just a grandmother, but a great-grandmother all in one brief moment.

The service was unusual.  The music was played by bagpipes and the songs were all Psalms, sung to familiar church hymn tunes.  Rev C.S.L. did the ceremony, but some of the vows were in both Scottish Gaelic and then repeated, translated into English for most of those who were in attendance.  The pastor just nodded to them that it was time for the next bit.  He had tried, but he could not get his tongue wrapped around some of the pronunciations.

At the reception, a modified jazz band was playing since the band Emmett plays for had a required gig at the Snazzy Taz, one of their big nights of the year, but for the wedding, the band combined with the T.R.U.S.T. Pipe and Drum Corps for Auld Lang Syne with Menzie and the Purple Four (Gisele, Lilith, Naomi, and me) leading in the singing.  Luckily Lilith did not have to leave until after New Years Day.  The jazz band included Lilith’s official boyfriend – worried that a work relationship turning into a romantic relationship might mess up both, but they are trusting God.  Poached called in a few friends who had played jazz in high school and a few in college.  And Angus asked for volunteers from the university’s music staff and star students.  They had a larger band than at the Snazzy Taz, and they were pretty good.

The best man Joseph Jones gave a moving speech about how he and Angus had struck up a friendship when he first got to Lily the Pink, and how Angus had been an occasional attender of church, but as their friendship blossomed, Angus realized he needed Jesus in his heart.

Then, First Lady of Tracy and matron of honor, Cassandra, gave her speech.  “Most of the Lily the Pink employees, those here and scattered around the campus, know that not long ago, if you worked for Pink Lady, you did your time with Baldwyn Apple.  I was hired here as security chief, knowing I would have to work for Baldwyn part-time.  I had no idea how to create a security force, but Pink Lady seemed to know that I would figure it out.  I noticed the young girl who was not allowed in the cider house.  Again, somehow Pink Lady knew that she was not old enough although she had a fake birth certificate and driver’s license that said she was old enough.  Missy tirelessly scrubbed the floors and did everyone’s laundry.  She was also Baldwyn’s choice as a slave experience, being locked in chains for the customer.”  There were gasps from many people and noises of derision from the employees.  “With all that physical work, she was growing stronger.  I thought she was a perfect candidate to be my first ‘hire’ as a security guard.  She was stronger than she thought she was, and she was tough.  But then I found out her schooling was subpar.  As I hired or transferred other members of the force, they started teaching Missy.  Missy would get her G.E.D.  I was so proud of her.  She was my little sister, being my first hire.  And now she is taking my place as head of security.”

Cassandra paused, “I grew up in a strict home.  In their way, they were loving.  We went to church, but I do not know if they ever believed anything.  But I had a mother and father.  Then a Scotsman named Angus MacDougall suggested that my father might not be my biological father.  His much older brother was a rock star, Duncan MacDougall of the Kilted Duncans band.  He had sent Angus to Tracy to see if I would submit to a DNA test.  I agreed and Duncan MacDougall is my biological father.  About that same time, my parents were shown a video of what I did for Baldwyn Apple.  They disowned me.  Scrambled and Pink Lady adopted me so that I would have parents to give me away about ten days ago.  Don’t think anything weird.  I am not in an incestuous relationship with my husband.  Under the circumstances, it is perfectly legitimate.  But there is something weird about what just happened when Missy and Angus were married.  Since Duncan is my father, Angus is my uncle, and my little sister just became my aunt.  Missy, may I call you Auntie Missy?”

Missy was quick, “Not on your life, Cassie.”  The room erupted in laughter.

Missy then left to slip off her wedding dress.  She was wearing her kilt underneath and she quickly put on her blouse.

Cassandra said, “Usually the father of the bride and the bride dance.  Then the mother of the groom and the groom dance.  But Angus’ parents have passed away, and we did not think Missy would have a parent in attendance.  So, Angus will play bagpipes while Missy does the sword dance.  But first, Missy wanted everyone on the back row to know this was a real sword.”

Menzie and Cassie stretched a full-sized bed sheet between them.  Missy drew the sword from the scabbard.  She was well versed in many forms of martial arts, including fencing.  She concentrated, took a lunge forward, and then in one easy motion lifted the sword and slashed downward slicing the sheet in two.  As Menzie gathered the pieces of the sheet, Angus started to warm up.  Menzie carefully placed the sword and scabbard in a cross pattern on the floor.  It made the sword dance, especially the finale, a lot more impressive to know the blade was that sharp.

The wedding party did their Scottish country dance as planned, but then they mixed it up when the dance was over.  Duncan and Diya did a little dance that was worthy of Bollywood.  Aiyana and Archie joined them.  When they were finished, Aiyana quipped, “Hey!  I’m an Indian!”  There was silence for a few seconds, no one knew if Aiyana, a Native American, being politically incorrect was acceptable, but then as the laughter started, the entire crowd followed.  Beatriz and Brodie did a samba.  Callum and Amana did something Amana remembered from Nigeria.  Fergus and Dominka did the Polka.  Then everyone in the wedding party, including Joseph and Cassandra, lined up behind Gordie and Angel (Anahera) who performed a haka to bless the marriage.  And for all the dancing, the band was in on it, but it shocked the bride and groom and many of the others in attendance.

The rest of the evening was the usual painting each other’s face with cake.  And with Scotch Whiskey in the Cranachan cheesecakes on the groom’s table, they were gone in a skinny minute.  Mabel was indeed a genius.  And she had become a more accessible mother figure than I have been for the other ladies in my employ.  After all, she lived in the apartment building with them.  I was in the big house with family and offices all around me.

Since the wedding reception would not officially be over until after midnight, there was a lot of dancing.  And then the bouquet toss and garter toss ended the evening festivities.

The honeymoon was attended by the bride and groom, as it should be.  But Angus insisted that Menzie and the babies came along also.  He did not explain, but I learned later what happened.  In fact, I was there for part of it.  Angus paid the fuel for the jet and Amy and I split the cost of the pilots, who planned on using the trip as an official honeymoon for themselves.

They flew into SeaTac, the Seattle / Tacoma airport in Washington state.  The pilots knew the flight plan well, but we flew into Portland, Oregon more often than Seattle for our expanded operations up the Columbia River from Portland.  Angus and Missy may not have gotten any sleep in their private cabin, but the others slept a little.  Menzie got up and watched the Rose Bowl Parade that morning.  She had never watched the spectacle of flowers before.  Jochebed had been helping Menzie and Menzie could now give Sammie enough breast milk.  They were in the presidential suite.  They missed out on the heart-shaped bed, but they had more than one bedroom and a large living room.

Angus hardly slept.  He went to Top Pot for some huge donuts.  Then, he got everyone ready in MacDougall garb, including Sammie.  He said nothing more than that they were going for a little visit with someone.  They went to a hospital, the UW Medical Center.  Angus whispered to the receptionist, and they fussed about the children not being allowed to visit.  Angus insisted and everyone was told which elevator to take.  There was a gasp or two as this band of Scottish people passed the nursing station.

As they went into the room, the doctor was just leaving.  He whispered in Angus’ ear, “Another day, maybe two.  He’s hanging on to see his family.”

When they were all in the room, Angus said, “Missy, Menzie, this is my brother, Duncan.  A lifetime of drunkenness, drugs, and wild women has led to this.”

Duncan’s eyes fluttered, “Ach!  My wee brother finally arrives, and he brings a bride and ready-made bairns.  Better late than never.  Welcome to U-dub.”  With confused looks on Missy and Menzie’s faces, he had to explain UW was shortened to U-dub by the locals.

There were introductions.  Menzie sang to Duncan and Duncan reached for his cellphone and texted someone.  There were tall tales told, some of them even true.  Angus talked to Duncan about Jesus, but Duncan said that one of his nurses had already done that.  Duncan knew he was bound for glory, and he only waited to say “Goodbye.”  Duncan and Angus had made a few world tours together, and Duncan had found his way to Seattle.  There might be higher ranked hospitals for his illness in the world, but none had a panoramic view of the Olympic Mountains and Puget Sound.  Well, he saw them when the weather was clear.  Duncan got to hold Sammie and play with Lauren, but not much.  He was very weak.

Missy then knew why Angus rushed to get married, why Angus had little Sophie investigate who Missy really was, and how he pushed to get custody of Menzie and her “bairns”, children.  When Duncan drifted off to sleep, Angus passed along contact information to the nurses.

They made it to the Pike Place Market before it closed, watching the vendors throwing fish.  They did some shopping for various curiosities in the quaint shops.  And they had a fantastic dinner in the hotel’s restaurant.

They were awakened early the next morning to Angus’ phone ringing.  He was needed at the medical center.  The entire family rushed to get dressed.  The receptionist gave no complaint in bringing little children.  They rushed to the room.  There were nurses standing on either side of the bed.  There was a man in a business suit sitting in the corner with a briefcase filled with papers that he was sorting through.  There were two people that Angus knew, who Angus introduced as the surviving band mates.

Duncan’s eyes opened, “Ah, you made it.  These nurses are the best.  Angus, you need to tip them better than you did the crews we had on the road.”  He tried to laugh, but he had no energy.  “I am so glad you made it back for another visit, and you brought my daughter, too.”

Missy said, “No, unless you are referring to your niece, Menzie.”

Cassandra said, “The head of security for Lily the Pink needs to keep her head on a swivel, Missy.  Look behind you!”

Missy turned to see Boaz and Cassie, Scrambled and me.  We robbed the pilots of their honeymoon by having them make a fast turnaround to get us.

Duncan smiled, “My lawyer is in the corner.  Cassandra gets everything except for some codicils for my mates and Angus.  But I made a change last night, duly signed and witnessed.  Menzie gets the rights to my music.  I see great potential in her.  Just don’t mess up your life like I did.  But one of my worst moments produced a daughter, my Cassie.  This is only our second time meeting, but you brought your husband with you.  He is as handsome as you said he was.  And you must be the couple who adopted Cassie recently.  She told me to look for the pink hair.  Now, I am ready to meet the rest of my family.”

Duncan closed his eyes for a moment.  Then he lifted his head from the pillow, “Angus, it is more beautiful than the heather in full bloom.  To the Isle of Skye and beyond.”  His face seemed to glow and then his head sunk back onto the pillow, the monitors chirped.  The doctor walked forward, turned to Angus, and shook his head.

Angus calmly quoted a line from a C. S. Lewis novel, That Hideous Strength, “So full of sleep are they at the time when they leave the right way.”

When the sobbing started to die down, the lawyer asked if he could speak to everyone.  He said that once the Death Certificate was completed, he would make all the final arrangements.  Duncan wanted his ashes scattered among the heather in the traditional territory of the MacDougall clan.  The lawyer would send the ashes to Angus.  The lawyer would also ship the music to Menzie.  It would be a rather large amount.  They would need a few filing cabinets.

The band mates got some mementos from their touring days and a few thousand dollars each.  They didn’t need the money.  They were playing in a jazz club near Frontier Park.  They had heard about Menzie’s singing and invited the family for a jam session.  Menzie told them the songs that she had practiced with the band for a couple of wedding receptions.  They smiled and laughed.  They were going to have their own little wake for their band mate, sending him out in style.  They handed her the sheet music for the Kilted Duncans best hit, just in case she might learn it by the next day.

Then the lawyer handed Cassie a list of the major things that she had just inherited.  There were no castles, but there was the ancestral home in Scotland.  There was a home in the Caribbean, another in French Polynesia.  Each had live-in attendants that were paid through a trust fund to adequately maintain the properties.  Cassie was dumbfounded.  She had heard of Duncan’s exploits and thought what little he had would have been consumed by his wild living.

The lawyer saw the puzzled look on her face.  He said, “In all of his wild living, he never married.  You are the only offspring although for a while he bedded a different girl each night.  He told me all the stories, but I suspect half were fabricated.  He was too drunk or stoned to know what really went on.  It wasn’t that he was that terribly careful.  Four other potential mothers had their babies aborted.  Your birth mother may have disowned you, but she gave you birth and brought up a lovely lady.  There is a bit of money outside the trust funds to maintain the properties.  I will have to square things with the hospital here and all the insurance companies.  It may take a few months.”

Cassie said through the tears, “Thank you.”

Scrambled and I volunteered to babysit.  Menzie used the breast pump to give us enough milk for Sammie and they went to the club for a jam session.  They also shopped for books in a huge bookstore before the club started swinging late that night.  Menzie needed to read the words of the Kilted Duncans hit, but she made it through.  Menzie got proposals for marriage, proposals for people to be her agent, and proposals for unspeakable things.  She answered them all with, “No, high school, then college, then I’ll think about your silly proposals.”  Yes!  She had not been with us long, but she was getting her priorities straight.

The honeymoon then became a little family reunion.  We went as an extended family to the Washington state Lily the Pink facility.  Anna Hill and Jayne Crane met us with their condolences.  We went into town and Sheriff Wyatt Slaughter fixed us up with horses and we rode through the sagebrush and saw the beautiful countryside.

We spent the night at Lily the Pink and then drove down the Columbia River Gorge, doing some hiking to see the waterfalls.  The lawyer had left a message with the pilots, who finally had a bit of a honeymoon.  We were to let him know when we were about to leave, and he might have the Death Certificate and a few more papers for Cassie to sign.

The next morning, that was taken care of.  We said our farewells and the honeymoon was now over.  We sat in the forward cabin so that the honeymoon couple could be alone.

As we arrived in Tracy, Missy whispered to me.  “We’ve been careful.  We do not wish to have children for a little while, but if it’s a boy, we’ll name him Duncan, if a girl, she’ll be Claire.  I want their memories to live on.”  Missy and I had a long hug.

Credits

Here is Auld Lang Syne played by the Royal Scots Dragoon Guard.

Here is an example of the sword dance.  They start off dancing around the sword, but they get closer, with a furious finale as close as possible.  The dancer is Gareth Mitchelson.

Here is a good example of Scottish Country Dancing.  This is at the Reel Club’s 75^th Birthday Party, Cambridge University Strathspey and Reel Club.

Duncan MacDougall mentioned the Isle of Skye as he was passing from this world to the next.  Skye Boat Song, sung by the Corries, is a ballad about Bonnie Prince Charlie’s escape from the battle to the Isle of Skye.  Bonnie Prince Charlie died a broken man near Rome.

My parents were at the hospital when my Dad’s father died.  They said his face glowed.  He smiled, almost in awe of what he saw. And then he was gone.

The photo above is of Multnomah Falls.  This is a double falls with a pedestrian bridge between the two falls.  Multnomah and another of the falls are right next to the road, but the rest, all aided by runoff from the snowpack atop Mount Hood, are a short hiking distance from the road.  My wife was never much of a hiker, but I got her to walk to the bridge at Multnomah Falls.  She is not in the photo.