Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs.  I work homicide in the big city of Tracy.  Working for me are my old partners: Detective Sgt. Jim Wednesday and Detective Poached Yeggs, my nephew who is slowly becoming a good detective.

When I returned from lunch, I saw a box on my desk.  My nerves were on edge.  I got out a magnifying glass to read the postage cancellation from as far away as possible.  It was the same post office in New York City from where the tickets had come nearly six weeks ago.

I yelled for Poached to call the post office in New York.  A box this big might be remembered.  I had Jim call the crime scene guys to come in with their equipment.  We needed this box sniffed, scanned, x-rayed, whatever.  And I asked Gisele to call our post office and track down who delivered the box.  She said it was probably a parcel delivery guy, but she would know in a few minutes.  It was clearly not our regular mailman.

While the crime scene guys scanned the package, Gisele confirmed the guy who delivered the box was the central city parcel guy, normal guy for that size of a parcel.

Then, the crime scene guys lifted a weird robot out of the box.  They asked if this really was delivered by the postal service – no markings of having batteries, food products, liquids, etc.  This thing had it all.  They moved it to the middle of my desk and walked out to get more equipment.  They said to not touch it.

This robot was weird.  It was humanoid, sort of.  It had no arms or legs, but it had a torso with clothing, of sorts, but the head looked like a block of cheese, the standard size for a two-pound block of cheddar cheese.  It was a cheese block head.

Then Poached came in and made some inappropriate remarks about what was that blockhead doing on my desk.  Then he said, “We’ve got a problem here.  On the day in question, the NYC post office in question received no packages, and they cancelled no packages.  They made a note of it since that post office is huge and that rarely happens.  But the guy I talked with said someone stole a hand cancelling stamp from the post office about a year ago, about the time all this started.  The postmaster there insists the stamp was lost, but it’s been a year’s worth of cleaning, and they haven’t found it.  Our perp had his end game planned from the beginning.  I asked about silver-haired semi-retired postal carriers visiting about that time, and the guy said that a lot of people visit when they are in town to see how a huge operation works.  They do not keep a log of visitors.”

I asked Gisele to find Guy Weiss.  In a couple of minutes Guy and Polly walked in.  For a moment, I was startled since Polly was my wife’s shadow, but then I remembered that Georges asked to do the bodyguard thing since Jochebed had some meetings at T.R.U.S.T. in the Pharmacy department.  So, Greta Grunge was running the nursery at Lily the Pink.  Georges and Jochebed were with Glyce.  And Polly was back for one day only as Guy’s partner.  I had Guy organizing a loose tail on Willie McLane.  I wanted to know roughly where he was all the time.

I asked, “Guy, where was Willie two days ago?”

Guy replied, “He was at the central post office.  We only saw him briefly as he was helping take boxes off a truck and into the post office.  We don’t tail him all day, but he was still there at lunch time.  Hey, what is this ugly robot doing on your desk?”

I said, “Don’t touch it.”

Guy got his finger close to it and said, “This is real cheese, lieutenant!  Don’t worry, I’m not touching it.  OUCH!  It reached out and bit me.  Some kind of need…  needle.”  And then Guy fell on the floor, unconscious.

Polly screamed, “GUY!!!!”  She jumped down and scooped his head in her arms.

I pressed my intercom button, “EMT to the Lieutenant’s office, ASAP, NOW, STAT, whatever you call it!  Officer down. Officer down!  Crime Scene back in here geared up! YESTERDAY!!  This robot is alive!”

A crime scene tech came in, looking like someone from outer space.  “Loot, the robot is not alive.  He has just been activated.”

The EMT rushed in with a crash cart.  The ambulance driver rolled in a gurney.  The EMT said, “Polly, let go, and step away.  We’ve got him.”  They started hooking Guy up for an EKG, blood pressure, and pulse Ox.  The EMT said, “Looks like his temperature is starting the climb.”

I said, “Polly, here is the chemical formula for the knockout medicine to give to the EMT when he leaves.  I can’t pronounce it, but we got it from the Munich detective.  And we think some form of Botulism bacteria is also being used to make it look like food poisoning.”  The EMT nodded.

The EMT muttered, “Vitals all over the place.  We have to get him to the Medical Center right away.”

Polly said, “I’m going with.”

I shouted, “No, you have to take over the loose tail and tighten it.  We need to know where Willie is right now!”

Polly had tears in her eyes.  “No disrespect, Lieutenant, but what would you do if it was Jim or Poached?  I’m going with.”

The EMT said, “Then you better hurry.  We’re leaving.”

With that, they were gone.  I texted Polly that we would keep each other informed via text.

About that time, while the crime scene techs were fiddling with the robot, trying to get it to do something again, the robot started to buzz.  A little window in its torso opened and a receipt printer, like the ones at the gas pumps, spit out a message.  “The clock continues to tick.  You are taking too long.  Too bad a cop in Tracy had to go down.  If you don’t catch me soon, Lieutenant Yeggs, the next person to fall will be closer to home.”

I texted that to Polly, Pauline Niblick, and Georges.  The crazy guy had already threatened Glyce, and because she gets explosive when shaken, I would rather communicate with her bodyguard.  Pauline decided to cancel their only class that afternoon.  They could all go home, and Mashie and Pauline could be added to the protection crew.

Jochebed, Georges and Glyce went to our home, not by Lily the Pink to get Gigi.  Pauline went to her home.  Mashie was already ready behind our house.  Georges scanned the house and only found two heat signatures, other than the heating system.  Those were Mashie and Pauline checking the house, room by room.

Glyce then said, “Oh, I’ll get the mail.”

Georges was fast.  He thought about the possible perp being a mailman.  “No, I’ll get the mail.”  Georges opened the door of the mailbox without looking in.  He slid his cellphone into the opening to see what might be inside.  Georges felt a jolt that almost caused him to drop the phone.  A needle was imbedded in the cellphone’s protective case.  He called for crime scene guys to come to the house.

Georges then heard what sounded like a siren.  Softly at first, getting louder.  Jochebed reacted first.  She ran around their car and hugged Glyce.  Jochebed said, “Naomi, I have you.  I cannot give bear hugs like your husband, but maybe love is just as good.  I will squeeze harder.”

Glyce quit whining and said, “I don’t know if it is the love or the French accent.”  They both started to laugh.

Mashie and Pauline came out the front.  Pauline said, “The house is clear if we want to barricade ourselves inside.  Missy is performing a lockdown at Lily the Pink.  We can lock up here and go there.  There are more ways of infiltrating the perimeter there, but I will feel safer being where Baffy is, and I have a feeling Naomi will want to be with Gigi.”  Naomi (Glyce) nodded.

Georges said, “I will text Lt. Yeggs, and I will wait for crime scene.  Mashie, take Jochebed and Naomi with you.”  Mashie let the ladies know he would run down the trail in the woods and be back with a car.  Pauline went back into our house to ensure the doors were all locked.  Jochebed still had a firm hug wrapped around Glyce.  They wanted no nitro-Glyce-rin episodes to complicate things at the moment.

And for a change of pace, I am going to shift into third-person reporting, basically from the viewpoint of Polly, since I continued into the early hours of the next day with the case, while she did a masterful job of watching over our own lovable blockhead, Guy Weiss.

Polly stayed back so that the medical staff could work, but at one point a large man in scrubs grabbed her by the shoulder and started pushing her toward the opening to the ER room.  “Miss, you can’t be in here.  Only family.  Only one of them!”

Polly pushed back, strong enough to make the man stumble. “I am not leaving.  He is more than family.  He’s my partner, and who are you to push a lady around?”

He bristled, “I am the ER doctor!”

Polly yelled, “Good, I am here to talk to you.  My lieutenant says that a guy in Munich isolated the knockout medicine.  I can’t pronounce it, so he wrote it down.” She handed him the note.  “He says it is probably mixed with a botulism bacteria.”

The doctor said, “My charge is to go through proper procedure to save this man’s life.  This lieutenant is not a doctor, I assume.  How he found out that a poison in Munich was administered in Tracy is beyond me.  Now, miss, you are in the way.  I have a life to try to save here.”

Polly yelled, “I know, doctor, and when you get reliable information, you need to check it out, or this man will die.  According to what we have learned, this killer has killed twelve elderly women worldwide, but none in the USA.  We have cracked the man’s code, and we are closing in, but if you ignore me and follow a stupid procedure and my partner dies, I will be writing you traffic citations until your wallet bleeds.  IS THAT CLEAR? DOCTOR!!  Now, you know the knockout drug, at least work on that!  If I know more from my lieutenant texting me, I will inform you, UNDERSTAND!?!?”

The doctor snarled.  He turned back to the nurse.  “When did our police force hire deranged holy terrors?”

The nurse snickered until she saw the chemical name on the slip of paper.  “Doctor, that stuff is never used because the wrong amount can kill you.  Polly, how was the poison administered?”

“Guy got too close to a robot that had been delivered to the lieutenant’s desk by the post office.  A syringe came from inside the cheese block head to inject him.  When I left, the crime scene people had not disarmed the crazy robot.  Hopefully, they can estimate how much was injected.  Even better, they can get a sample and analyze it.”

The nurse said, “Thanks, we have already sent a sample of Guy’s blood to our lab.  It will be better if we work from both ends.  Who is this guy you are after?”

Polly groaned, “Guy was in charge of providing a loose tail on our suspect.  We did not want him to know we were onto his schemes.  One of our guys in plain clothes was watching him a half block from the precinct.  The suspect had bought a latte at the coffee shop in Amy G. Dala’s building.  He was calmly sipping it when the ambulance went tearing out of our parking lot.  And then our tail said he laughed, gulped the rest of the latte, and was whistling a tune on his way back to his car.  With that kind of a routine, he has to be our man, the sick bass.  Sorry, the suspect is considered innocent until we fry his back side.  Ummm.  I’m trying to not cuss, but it’s hard.  Just save Guy.  His nickname is Wise Guy, since his name is Guy Weiss, but wise, he is not.  But I do not want to break in another partner.  Oh!  I just got a text from the lieutenant.  Our suspect has been threatening the lieutenant’s wife, Dr. Naomi Yeggs, who works with patients here.  She was about to check the mail when her bodyguard insisted on checking the mail instead.  He saw the needle just as it deployed using his cellphone.  No one was injured.  Now, we have a sample at crime scene being analyzed.  If they are the same, we’ll have more information for Mister Prissy Doctor here.”

The nurse snickered, “Yes, Miss Holy Terror, we are going to be good partners today.”

The next text from the lieutenant was that the sample from the disarmed and dismantled cheese block head proved to be the same.  A highly concentrated soup of botulism bacteria in the knockout drug.  They seemed to be meant for each other, and the botulism had nothing else.  No food poisoning, the suspect must have an incubator making the pure stuff.  Polly read the text, but about that moment, crime scene called the doctor directly.

An hour later, the doctor sheepishly approached Polly.  “Holy Terror,” the doctor swallowed, “You saved your partner’s life.  The knockout component works differently with each person.  If we had not administered the counter-acting medicine when you said to, he might not have made it.  You are indeed trying to catch a sick bass.  See, I can keep from saying dirty words too, but don’t come by tomorrow.  I will be back to more of the old language.  Thank you.  You, more than anyone, saved this man’s life.  I’ll write a note to that effect to the commissioner.  He and I play golf together at the Hoity-Toity.”

Polly smiled, “I’ve recently made good friends with the greenskeeper there and his wife.  Maybe I’ll see you around the course.”

“Oh, dear me, young lady, knowing the Holy Terror was nearby would cost me more than hitting too balls into the lake.”  The doctor said with fear in his eyes.  Polly snickered.  She looked at her watch and it was getting late in the workday.  She texted Minnie Others to let her know where Guy was and that he was finally stable but still in critical condition, and they had the right medicines to pull him back to his normal idiot self.  Minnie replied almost immediately.  She had a planning period, the last period of the day, and she could trust the assistant coaches with basketball and softball practice after school.  She was on the way.

Almost immediately following that text was a text from Lt. Yeggs.  “Polly, Sophie and Blaise came by, dropped off early from school.  Blaise discovered a rotating circular saw arm that had been made by our suspect at the school’s battle robot club locker.  He then went to the robot in the crime scene lab and the mechanism from our home mailbox.  The wire terminations that are soldered into the circuit board are almost like fingerprints in style.  Blaise thinks we have enough to get a warrant.  Blaise and Jim Wednesday are going to Judge Farquharson’s office.  Thanks for the update.  At least they have the right treatment and Guy is stable.  Stay with him.  I hope Minnie can be there soon.  We are going to be up all night until we have this jerk nailed to the wall.  Understand?  He is not getting away with threatening one of ours.  Or is that one of mine and one of ours?”

About that same time, Minnie walked into the room.  She said, “Polly, I have been here a little while, but they would not let me through.  They said there was already a visitor in the room and in ICU, there could only be one visitor at a time.  They tried to refuse me for not being family.  They tried every excuse until some nurse walked up and asked if I was the one who had been called by Polly?  I said that I was.  The nurse turned to the others and said, ‘You should have been informed.  If the Holy Terror has called her in, you don’t argue.’  That is the only way I got here.  But who is the Holy Terror?”

Polly groaned, “I am.  I said some nasty things to a doctor when we got here, but later, he admitted that I quickened the recovery for Guy, and I might have saved his life.  He wanted my lieutenant to know that too, and he was going to call the Police Commissioner.  They play golf together.”

Minnie said, “Oh, dear, did you see that?”  Polly looked and the nurses were bathing Guy.  Guy was still unconscious.  He had a catheter and a Foley bag for urination.  He had a monitored IV giving him the necessary antibiotics and medicine to slowly counteract the knockout drug.  Since reactions to the knockout drug were sometimes volatile, and they wanted the botulism well on the way to being defeated, they were working slowly on bringing him out of his coma.

Polly turned away, “Nope, I saw nothing at all.”

Minnie said, “Surely you saw it.  It was so big!  How could you miss it?”

Polly said, “Minnie, I was a good little Catholic girl until I started going to the Metho-Presby church with Randy.  I saw nothing at all.  What are you talking about?”

Minnie whispered, “His manhood, Silly.  It has been a while since I have seen anything that big.  Maybe the biggest I have ever seen.  I have five older brothers who had no problem walking around the house without clothes on.  I should know!”

Polly groaned, “Please, Minnie, he is my partner.  I do not wish to be in a life or death situation with my partner and instead of thinking about his skills in keeping me safe or watching my back, I am thinking about a part of his anatomy that I have no reason to ever see.  Besides, I think he was thinking with that part of his anatomy this morning.  The lieutenant clearly told him to not touch the robot, but Guy dangled his finger too close, and it reached out and stabbed him.”

Minnie asked, “It reached out?  Wouldn’t it reach out to stab the others?  Why my precious bundle of love?”

Polly belched, “Please, that was so syrupy, it made me sick.  But to explain the robot, the crime scene guys used body armor and very thick leather gloves.  The robot did not react.  Then they got to the lab.  They used a hollow latex finger and rubbed everywhere with no result.  Then they used a latex finger with a stick inside to apply pressure to every part of the cheese block head.  Nothing!  That ruled out a proximity switch or a pressure sensor.  Then they took the hollow latex finger and wrapped a warm cloth around it.  Needles in four locations stabbed their fake finger.  The nice thing is that it squirted the poison into the hollow center, and they had a great poison sample to analyze.  That is why Guy is improving.  With what Lt. Yeggs gave me to tell the doctor, Guy was holding on instead of getting worse, but once they knew precisely what it was, he is being treated for the exact problem he is suffering with.”

Polly continued, “But you could do a lot better than Guy.  His nickname is Wise Guy, but what wise person sticks his finger in the face of a robot sent by a serial killer?”

Minnie stared at the nurses bathing her boyfriend, “Polly, you are a nice girl, but I am damaged goods.  Until Poached gave Guy my number, I had not dated in years.”

This report is getting a bit long.  We will pick up the story in a couple of days with A Wise Guy Wakes Up.

Credits

When I told my son how the robot head was made, he suggested the name “Cheese Block Head”.  That way you get a cheese block, and you get a blockhead.  I wanted to avoid, but hint at, a “Cheese Head.”  But those who root for the Green Bay Packers, or just like anything from Wisconsin, wear a plastic wedge of cheese, not a rectangular block.

The ICU rules are what I have experienced in recent years.  My late wife has been in the ICU, or CCU, in four different local hospitals over the past twenty years and in a couple of those multiple times.

Many things have been used for anesthesia over the years that will never be used again.  Some were flammable and others got unpredictable results from the patients.  Yet, some are still in use in some places in the world that illicit allergic reactions from an unacceptable percentage of the population.  My wife found out the hard way, and that may have started her kidney failure decline.  After a supposedly simple outpatient surgery, she spent a week in the ICU, her kidney function dropped extremely low but recovered to an acceptable level, but only partially.  But also, she showed the signs of an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, and since then, that drug has never been used in the greater Pittsburgh area.  Maybe my wife was the one allergic reaction too many, but the timing might mean there were others with that allergy at roughly the same time.