Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

That standard intro is still valid, except that the people that entered, ushered in by Missy MacDougall, were not employees or former prostitutes.  I had only met the gentleman a couple of times, but Polly Pulice, police officer, was a member of our Rogues.  Her boyfriend is Randall Handel, otherwise known as Handy Randy due to his massage skills.  Once they were seated, Missy nodded to me, smiled, and left.

Polly asked, “Mommie Tinkie …”

Kanok ran over from the play area and corrected her, “Mommie Pa-Inkie!”

Polly laughed, “She’s starting to get it, just not yet.  But, Mommie Pinkie, I have no idea when your open door policy is, but this was the only time Randy and I could be here together.  I have a couple of things to talk to you about.”

I replied, “My open-door policy is whenever I am in the office and not in a meeting or feeding Joon, but he is already eating some solid foods, so that will not deter the open door.  But the open door is supposed to be for employees or people living here.  What is the reason for this visit?”

Polly smiled, “Randy and I have done another stupid thing which got worse this time.  You may have heard that Randy is trained in most of the major massage techniques from around the world, and on our third date, sort of, he gave me a full body massage, just not around the private parts, and I had my clothes off with towels covering the naughty bits.  I got so enthused that I jumped up and kissed him and he was not expecting that.  You know, full nudity with a romantic element.  He was just doing a massage.  Then a couple of nights ago, I demanded another massage.  I said that I would not go crazy again.  As he oiled my entire body, he left something in my belly button.  Since my senses were enjoying the massage, I did not notice at first.  I reached over and plucked an engagement ring out of my navel.  I asked what that was for, and he proposed.  I know that I promised to keep my emotions under control, but I jumped up, towels flying again.  And this time, I yanked his pants down.  Again he back peddled, but then he hugged and kissed me.  It was a while in that embrace before he said, ‘You know, Polly, you have not given me an answer.’  I blubbered through a half dozen yeses.  And then I realized that we were both not wearing anything.  Did we cross a line?”

I laughed, “Yes, Polly, you crossed a line.  Randy, I have been meaning to tell you that most massage parlors allow the clientele to wear their underwear or a bikini.  If you are worried about oil staining delicate lingerie, I suggest you give away bikinis to your female clients.  They go home with advertising where you can have your logo printed.”  I tossed him a pink bikini from my desk drawer.  “Since I used to swim a few laps after a hard day’s work, I keep that in my desk drawer, but with my baby bump, I would not get in it at the moment.”

Randy smiled, “Nice idea, but I just spent the downpayment for my clinic on a ring.”

I smiled, “I’ll put Gwen on the idea, and she will get you a great price and it might be my grand opening gift to you once you get your doctorate.  And isn’t Dr. Yeggs still working on the approvals from the American Institute of Mental Health and the American Medical Association?”

Randy nodded, “Each individual technique is already approved, but we would want our hybrid therapies approved before I hang up the shingle.  If not, I will start a smaller clinic that does each individual therapy and of course, the laundry list of massage techniques.  But I am sold on Dr. Yeggs’ program.  Combining everything and adding some unique therapies is more holistic.  It reaches the root cause of the problem which is more complicated than just the mind or the physical body.”

I snickered, “And you are their walking and talking billboard.  It seems Polly is trying to give her virginity away, but I am thinking you do not have that issue.”

Randy said, “Polly, you warned me she was shrewd and ruthless.  And she sometimes spoke rather bluntly.  Yes, Mommie Pinkie, I accepted Jesus when I was in high school.  I got this idea of helping others through therapy.  In college, one of my professors noted that I was exceptional in massage therapy.  He got me into a program, and I spent seven months in Thailand, at least based in Thailand.  That was one Spring semester and the summer afterwards.  But my professor in Thailand had me travel all over Asia.  We even went to Sweden for a weekend.  The trips were usually three-day weekend trips.  I was in the Philippines, Malaysia, Vietnam, Laos, India, and the isle of Bali in Indonesia.  In several of those settings, as I practiced the local massage techniques, the clients were … umm … appreciative and aroused, you might say.  Some of the techniques stretched into the area of sensual massage, finding the erogenous zones.  So, I felt that I had to be … ummm … polite.”

I snickered and shook my head.  Randy continued. “When I came back to the states, I had four requests from young women who were not being satisfied in bed.  The first three married women paid a high price for my services and gave me a bonus of sleeping with them at the end of the massage session.  The fourth young lady was younger and unmarried.  She said that she was having difficulties when she slept with her boyfriend.  The same thing happened.  We slept together, but then she gave me a response that I had never gotten before.  She started crying, saying that she had wanted to stay true to her boyfriend, although she did not know if he would ever pop the question.  She had begged me to make love to her, and I complied.  Once she started crying, the Holy Spirit grabbed me hard and shook me.  There was a victim here, and I did not have the moral high ground to talk to her about Jesus since I was the one who defiled her.  I repented.  I swore off doing that kind of massage therapy.  I might, with both partners there, do the therapy and teach one how to pleasure the other and once they are both aroused, I can simply leave the room.  But that would take a team of lawyers to figure out the legal ramifications.  It goes far beyond what Naomi and Pauline provide, and I would have to ensure that there were no legal loopholes.”

I nodded and then turned to Polly, “And are you going to have another ‘accidental’ nude scene with your future husband?”

Polly blushed, “No ma’am. I’ll keep my bikini on and if it gets oil stained, I will wear it as a badge of honor.”

I nodded, “Good girl.  Is that it?  It was hardly worth the trip over here.”

Polly cleared her throat.  “You mentioned ‘accidental.’  Georges Evident and I have been helping child services on a very ticklish case, and I want to run it by you.”

I said, “I was just praised by them earlier this week.  Menzie is heavy into eighth grade material now and it looks certain that she will be ready for high school in August when the Fall semester starts.  Did I do such a good job that they want to use my services for something else?”

Polly shrugged, “Maybe not them as much as the parents that are involved, at least the boy’s parents.  I’ll just start at the beginning.  I have asked the high schoolers from Vitamin Flintheart who hang out here.  They all say the same thing.  Kevin Johnson and Joseline Cash have been voted the least likely to ever get intimate with anyone.  And before you say that is a terrible thing to say, they agree, but the word has gotten out, and even Kevin and Joseline have heard the whispers.  And by the way, Kevin and Joseline are far ahead of the rest of this upcoming senior class as valedictorian and salutatorian.  From what the school administration says, a dead heat, kind of like what happened at the math conference at the state capitol a couple of weeks ago.  That is where all this started.”

I leaned back in my desk chair.  I turned on the heat and the soft vibrations.  This seemed like it was going to be a long story.

Polly breathed in deeply.  “Kevin and Joseline were the math nerds that represented Flintheart high in a math challenge.  The best math students from across the state were there.  The Geometry teacher, a female, and the pre-Calculus teacher, a male, were the sponsors for the Flintheart high team and the four went to the hotel where the events were being held.  The two classmates got rooms that were adjoining, but since the two were highly competitive, especially with each other, the sponsors never dreamed that the kids would open the connecting doors and practice the challenge questions by competing against each other Friday night.  Joseline suggested that Kevin come up with a suitable bet for who was going to beat the loser that night.  Kevin suggested strip math.  You miss a question and you had to remove an article of clothing.  The naked person would be the loser.  Note:  Kevin is almost six feet tall, maybe a half inch short of that, but he is rail thin.  He is already eighteen.  Joseline is a big woman.  She will be eighteen next month, but she wears kaftans, large robes, anything to accentuate that there is a lot of girl underneath, but we’ll get back to that.  Kevin is nerdy to the hilt.  Joseline is thought to be excessively fat with a holier than thou attitude.  Thus, the idea no one would want to even date them.”

Polly looked down to study her notes.  “Joseline quickly accepted the challenge.  Kevin missed the first question on purpose to show Joseline he was willing to play by the rules.  Joseline was not going to let him get away with losing on purpose, so she missed the next question.  That’s when everything changed.  She always had her shoulder length hair in a bun.  When she removed the scrunchy, her hair fell over her shoulders and Kevin complimented her.  He said she should always wear her hair down.  She was lovely with her hair framing her face and other such compliments.  Joseline said that her mother insisted on the clothing style and the hair style.  But hearing the first comments from anyone that she was attractive threw her game off and she lost a series of questions, putting Kevin into the lead.  When I interviewed Kevin later, he played dumb when I suggested that he was using gamesmanship on Joseline.  He was being truthful, in his opinion.  Well, with a big lead and Joseline starting to sweat, Kevin lost a few rounds to catch up.  Soon, Joseline had to remove her dress.  She was not very fat.  She is big boned, if you know what I mean, and she has very large breasts.  She is about six feet tall, a fraction of an inch taller than Kevin, but with the right shoes and hairdo, they look the same height.”

I was enjoying this, but I feared where it was going.

Polly again studied her notes. “Then, it came down to both of them getting very serious.  Kevin had his tighty whities left and Joseline had her granny panties left.  Kevin got distracted and lost the competition between the two.  He pulled his undies off and in celebration, Joseline threw her undies off and danced in front of Kevin saying that he could see it, but not touch it.  And now comes the ‘accident.’  Both of them agree that she slipped and fell onto his erect body part, and they eventually enjoyed the sensation enough that they kept going.”

I cackled, “That is probably a lie.  Some customers wanted the accidental falling thing here when Baldwyn was in charge, but I researched it, and almost every time, it leads to the male breaking, bruising, bending, otherwise damaging something he might want to use in the future.”

Polly nodded, “Yeah, when two eyewitnesses agree on every detail, we think collusion to mislead us from the truth, but the two enjoyed what happened so much they did it again before they went to bed, each sleeping in their own room.  They promised that the winner in the competition would get to choose the position in the celebratory bedroom gymnastics the following afternoon.  Problem is, they tied, neither missing a question, so they were photographed wrestling each other to hold the trophy.”

I smiled, “I saw that picture.  Both looked ordinary, but Joseline did look rather large.  Maybe that was because Kevin was so thin.”

Polly nodded, “When they were no longer the center of attention, they went back to their rooms, and Joseline went through the connecting door into Kevin’s room, and they picked up where they left off the night before.  But this time, the sponsors, who should have been active chaperons, went to their rooms.  The sponsors had gotten the extra key when they checked in the day before.  Kevin’s dead bolt was locked, but Joseline’s door was easily opened.  It seems the two teachers had a one-night stand on prom night when they were seniors.  They went to separate colleges, and when they both got jobs at their old high school, it became awkward.  They had used this trip to rekindle their relationship.  When they heard moans coming from Kevin’s room, they went to the connecting door and saw what was happening.  The two teachers decided to do the same thing in Joseline’s room.  When they started moaning, Joseline and Kevin walked in on them.  The four decided to not say anything about what the others were doing, but those promises got broken once the police were involved.  We have kept everything quiet, no media coverage yet.  No one has lost their jobs.”

I asked, “But why are you involved?  The kids are considered adults, at least for this reason.  Yes, the teachers could be held liable if something went wrong.  Oh, dear, what went wrong?”

Polly continued, “The teachers were there to tell them that the winners were invited to dine with the governor and his wife.  Other than the dinner date, the two couples from Flintheart high, teachers and seniors, remained in bed the rest of the weekend before the teachers drove them back to Flintheart High.  Kevin owns his own car.  His Dad is a plumber for some upgrade company.  They resurface kitchen cabinets, change flooring, install bathroom inserts…  That kind of thing.  Kevin got a job with them as an estimator, since he was a math nerd.  Kevin makes pretty good money, but the owner of the company gave Kevin a sweet deal on his old car.  Kevin volunteered to take Joseline home.  Joseline’s father was the only one who drove, and he often worked in the office on Sunday afternoons.  He is some kind of a genius on the stock exchange.”

I groaned, “When you said ‘Joseline Cash’ I thought of George Cash.  He invests some of my money and he makes me a bundle.  He is really good, but I have no idea about his morality on the home front.”

Polly giggled, “I’ll get to that.  So, Kevin drives Joseline home, but he has to pass his house on the way, and Joseline wants her Dad home when she gets there.  So, they stop, and what Kevin says to his parents sets off a firestorm.  He says something like, ‘Hi, Mom and Dad, this is Joseline.  She and I have been having sex like rabbits all weekend long, so if there is a sock on my doorknob, you know what Joseline and I are doing.  Please, do not disturb us.’ ”

I muttered, “Firestorm?  I’m thinking nuclear explosion.”

Polly shrugged, “The explosion did not knock down the neighbor’s houses.  Kevin’s Dad was neutral.  I think he had been begging Kevin to date someone, anyone.  But the Mom saw Joseline as the distraction that would prevent their son being Valedictorian.  She screamed for Kevin to take the female dog home and never see her again!  Kevin and Joseline left and went to her house.  When they went in the door, all Joseline said was, ‘Mom, Kevin is the one.’  Dalita Cash hugged and kissed each of them and invited them to go to Joseline’s room and have sex until George got home.  Then Dalita went to the kitchen and started baking a celebratory cake.  When the two lovebirds needed some liquid refreshment, they emerged from the bedroom to find Dalita stark naked herself, except for an apron.  Joseline told Kevin that he should expect that.  Kevin noted that other than a couple of wrinkles, mother and daughter could be twins.  George walked in to see the three of them naked, and Dalita screams, ‘He’s the one!’  George welcomed Kevin to the family.  With these parents being supportive, Kevin decided that he had enough clothing in his suitcase.  He thought he could just stay with Joseline.”

I sighed, “Oh, dear.”

Polly nodded, “Yeah.  Kevin’s parents claimed he was kidnapped.  We investigated to find that Kevin had simply not gone home.  Kevin’s parents claimed the car was stolen, but Kevin produced the title in his name.  Kevin’s parents hired a lawyer to find something that would stick, but with Kevin already eighteen, they really don’t have a leg to stand on, but they are threatening to go to the media.  They would be embarrassed, but they think George Cash might lose some of his cash due to people thinking he was an immoral investment banker.  The lack of trust might ruin him.”

I moaned, “No!  I will not take an unmarried couple under my roof and let them act like rabbits.  I have ladies here who are seeing counselors.  They might be triggered by such activity and not feel safe here.  Please, the answer is no.”

Polly sighed, “Georges and I have already talked to the MacDougall clan, and Georges is willing to sponsor Kevin.  Kevin’s parents were willing to have Kevin stay at a neutral site as long as the sexual activity is stopped and the heavy study activity resumes.  Really, the young couple have used sex as their motivator to basically memorize everything from each of their textbooks.  They are both geniuses, and they are motivated to learn.  This smokescreen by the Johnsons is out of hand, but their lawyer files one illegitimate claim every day.  It is consuming police time, bothering the local judges, and how it has stayed out of the press, we have no idea.  But Kevin and Joseline do not want anyone to know.  They have both been laughed at as romantic losers, and they do not want the joke to switch to ‘the two losers found each other, so that does not count.’  Please, Mommie Pinkie, if you want an interview with the two kids, we can arrange that.  They both live in the Cash home.  Kevin drives toward the school and drops Joseline off in a blind alley so that they arrive at school separately.  If they are not at school, they will be at Joseline’s home.”

I asked, “And someone will explain the meaning of ‘He’s the one?’”

Polly stifled a laugh, “If I told you, you would not believe it.  You need to hear that from Dalita and Joseline.  Frankly, I do not believe a bit of it, but the important thing is that they do.”

I shrugged, “Okay, but I am tied up in meetings for a few days.  Will the Johnsons hold off their legal maneuvers until I have a chance to interview these kids?”

Polly nodded, “We told them the plan, and they agreed.  The Johnsons have been bothering the principal every other day to see if Kevin is still excelling.  The principal has no idea why all the fuss, but if anything, Joseline and Kevin are even more alert to every nuance in every course they are taking, and both of them seem even more belligerently competitive toward each other.  That may be the only clue to what is going on.  They are overplaying their competitiveness, but everyone attributes it to the school getting the trophy for State Math Champion instead of the trophy going to the winner.  Actually, I think Flintheart is looking at making a trophy for each of them, but that is not ready for publication.  A birdie told me that they plan on handing each of them their trophies during graduation.”

I nodded, “Okay, in a few days, I will give you a call and maybe have Missy drive us both to the Cash home.”  Scrambled says I am borderline crazy.  And at times, I agree with him.  This was one of those times.

Credits

As for the most notable massage techniques in the world, the countries mentioned by Handy Randy were mentioned in a few lists.

The only time we ever went to the state capitol to attend a school competition was when our older son was in first grade.  All the elementary students in the state of South Carolina had been given a puzzle of the state, with one puzzle piece for each county, all in the shape of the counties.  Our son won the competition in our county for first graders and then went to the state.  My wife and I sat next to one of the TV camera crews.  When the first graders started the competition, our son dropped a piece on the floor.  He should have kept going with the rest of the puzzle, but he was obsessive.  He climbed down from his chair.  He picked up the piece.  He stared at the camera crews for a few seconds, and then climbed back up into the chair.  When the timer stopped the competition, he finished second, one county behind the winner.  Note all other grades completed the puzzle during the allotted time, and when our son practiced at home without distractions, he could do that easily.  His lost time was worth a half-dozen counties which would have easily won the competition, but he was inconsolable.  The prize was a globe of the world, so we went out and bought him one ourselves.  Just not nearly as fancy.