Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

This is the follow up to Polly and Randy visiting last week.  There were two high school seniors who were going to be valedictorian and salutatorian at Flintheart high school soon if nothing went crazy, but when they started sleeping together at the girl’s home, the boy’s parents have used every legal means to get their eighteen year old son back.  The only hope of this not becoming a media mess, is for me to offer them a place to live under strict rules.

I called Polly when my calendar was finally free.  She called Georges.  Polly Pulice, Georges Evident, Missy MacDougall, and I all climbed into a Lily the Pink SUV, bright pink with the logo on the side.

Polly sat behind me and said, “I gave Missy the address and she put it into her GPS.  With George Cash making people a lot of money through his investment strategies, he has a home equal to his humble beginnings, low to mid middle class.  Just wanted to let you know.  You would think he would be a neighbor of yours.”

We pulled in front of a well-maintained house on the north side of Tracy.  The mailbox had a dollar sign ($) door.  Otherwise, it seemed a normal middle-class home, and rather small.  It was a basic three-bedroom layout with the very small bedroom turned into a home office for George to track the exchanges around the world.  Money exchanges hands all hours of the day.  As we passed the door to the office, I saw monitors all over the room.  George led us to the back of the house past a corridor that led to the kitchen on one side and the two bedrooms on the other.  Dalita was in a bathrobe in the great room, even though they knew we were coming.

Dalita called for Joseline to come in, that their guests were here.  Joseline walked in from behind us, not wearing a stitch of clothing.  I tried to not gasp.  It was hard.  Dalita said, “And if you want to know where Joseline gets her ravaging beauty, it’s hereditary.”  Dalita slipped off her robe to show how much the mother and daughter were alike.  They were both large breasted women on an ample, but not terribly overweight, frame.  They were both tall for women, but Zuzka would still tower over them.  And they both looked strong.  Since Kevin had complimented Joseline’s hair down, that became the striking difference between these two nude women.  Dalita’s hair was in a bun.

George said, “Okay, Dalita, you have made your point, whatever it is.  But according to what Officer Pulice said, we are going to need to consider an offer by the Johnsons or all this mess ends up front page news, and the distractions toward the two kids will get worse.  The Johnsons want their son to be valedictorian, but then they create more distractions than simply letting him have a girlfriend.  Now, if you two will at least get robes on.”  Dalita and Joseline complied.

Polly made introductions.  “The lady with the pink hair is Pink Lady Yeggs, the CEO of Lily the Pink.  You already know Georges Evident, detective with Organized Crime.  And leaning against the back wall is Missy MacDougall, corporate security chief for Lily the Pink.  As I said to Mr. Cash over the phone, the Johnsons have agreed to allow their son and your daughter to be housed at a neutral site under constant supervision until after graduation.  Their chief concern is that their son does not get distracted and he makes the best grades possible.  There would be one stipulation, that the two people concerned, Kevin Johnson and Joseline Cash do not have sex until after graduation.”

Joseline said, “No!  Kevin’s the one!  We love each other.  We have to keep having sex.”

Polly said, “The latest idea that the Johnsons have concocted is…”

Kevin walked in naked.  “Joseline, we only had one paragraph left in Economics.  Then we get to celebrate.  What is keeping you?”

Joseline said, “Kev, look behind you.  The police are here, and they brought a couple of people from a detention center.  I don’t know.  It might be a reform school.”

I sighed, “Reform schools are now called ‘troubled student school.’  I am presently home-schooling a girl who had not attended middle school for the past two and a half years, and she is nearly caught up, but I do not run a school.  I run a business.  We make apple cider here in Tracy and a remote site in Washington state, along the Columbia River gorge, and I do charitable work like housing people from the mission downtown.  I have been asked to provide a supervised neutral site for these two seniors in high school.  If they do not accept my offer, what Polly was about to say is that the Johnsons are prepared to state that the Cash home is the site of cult worship.  They say they have proof of animal sacrifice and sexual rituals.  It will go out to all media markets.  I am neutral.  I am not saying this, it is them.  I just heard Joseline say that Kevin is ‘the One.’ I am sure that is the kind of language that the Johnsons are basing their claims.  Why is Kevin the One?”

Dalita waved a hand.  “Joseline and I are Amazons.”

It got very quiet in the room.  Polly said that Dalita and Joseline could explain it, but I would not believe it.

Dalita said, “You look confused.  Do you know what an Amazon is?”

I said, “They were a collective of strong women.  They were equal to men in hunting and battle.  They were from the Caucasus Mountains, but some myths have them along the south eastern coast of the Black Sea, otherwise northeast Turkey, but then their influence stretched along the southern Caucasus to the Caspian Sea.  Maybe that includes the country of Georgia, Armenia, and Azerbaijan.  The only practice or ritual that I remember is that they only lived as women in their territory, but to procreate, they would take on a man.  If the man produced a son, the man would leave with the son, but if a girl was produced, she became an Amazon, and the man was exiled.”

Dalita said, “Other than calling it a myth, you were accurate.  Joseline and I both have a tattoo to denote our clan.  We tattoo the girls when they turn six years old and the tattoo is hidden beneath our hair down below.  But you are correct.  We are strong, equal to men.  Since the Amazons are scattered, we have accepted western culture with being loyal to our husband, but the build of our bodies should be proof enough that we are Amazons.  And by the way, my grandmother came from Armenia.  Our family name was Vardanyan.  Dalita means virgin, but obviously I am no longer a virgin since I have a daughter.”

I asked, “You have still not answered the question as to why Kevin is the One.”

Joseline said, “My mother had me wear my hair up and wear sack dresses ever since my breasts started getting big.  As a result, I would not look attractive.  But in Amazon lore, the ‘One’ would recognize the inner beauty and love me for what matters.  When that happens, I am to lay all inhibitions aside and have sex with him until a child is produced.  Kevin is the first one to ever compliment me and say that I was attractive.”  By this point, Kevin had returned wearing sweatpants.  They sat on the sofa, kissing each other.

I looked at Polly.  Polly said, “If this ritual of finding the ‘One’ and the tattoo reaches the Johnsons, they have grounds for their claim, slim, but the media would love it, and Mr. Cash’s stock advisor business would be ruined.  What do you think Georges?”

Georges nodded, “Unless the kids come back to Lily the Pink tonight, we are going to have not just the local media, but any sleezy national media market right on the doorstep here.”

George Cash said, “I heard that, but these three are vehement.  The two young ones are in heat, to borrow a phrase, but Dalita takes this Amazon tradition very seriously.  I love her, but she punishes me when I belittle her Amazonian claims.”

Polly asked, “Punishes you?”

George Cash turned red.  “Well, some of the punishment is rather fun.”

Missy snickered, “Miss Pink, you wouldn’t know what he is talking about.”

I turned pink, “But I can imagine.”

Dalita said, “And what is your offer?  You offer a place for them to live and study, but no sex, no Amazonian heir.”

I huffed, “With what they have been doing for the past couple of weeks, she could already be with child.  She will know soon enough, and they can graduate before the baby bump appears.  My child is due in early June.  But if she is not yet pregnant, why is there such a big hurry for her to get pregnant?”

Dalita said, “Tradition!”

I threw up my hands, “But what if she has sex for six months and no success?  Do you look for a new ‘One’?”

Joseline grumbled, “No, Kevin is my ‘One’.  Nothing changes that.”

I suggested, “So, you pretend to be sexually active without being in the same room for a few months.  You graduate high school and then you are free to do as you please, whoever is the valedictorian of the class.”

Kevin grumbled, “But I have missed work for two weeks.  I need to make money for college.”

I asked, “What do you want to study in college?”

Kevin said, “I am taking engineering prep in high school.”

I asked, “Have you had Chemistry?”

Kevin shrugged, “That was last year.  I am taking Physics now.”

I said, “I can hire you as Jim Kaiser’s assistant.  Jim works on the entire physical plant, but we have a cider production facility which has a distillery to maximize and control the alcohol content.  We have a carbon recovery system.  We have a wastewater treatment plant.  And the Crystal Mountain has hydroponic gardening everywhere throughout the jungle, growing a lot of exotic things, but mostly vegetables for the employees and water lilies for the Lily the Pink formula.  Joseline, what do you want to do?”

Joseline said, “I want to be a doctor.  Most people say I should be an orthopedic surgeon due to my size and strength.”

Dalita huffed, “What do those people know?”

Joseline explained, “Mom, orthopedic surgeons have to maneuver people around while they replace a hip or a knee.  It requires a lot of strength.  And I could do that.  I am already as strong as any man.”

I suggested, “Joseline, I have no doctor positions, but I have a nurse on each shift and an extra nurse in the nursery who acts as shift relief and help in the residential areas.  I have four apartment buildings.”

Joseline asked, “If we accept this offer, where would Kevin and I stay?”

Georges said, “My wife, Jochebed, and I have a three-bedroom apartment.  Jochebed is the resident wet nurse, and she runs the nursery.  One of our bedrooms is full of cribs in case we have the need, but the other is for our children.  We just have none at the moment.  That can be Kevin’s room.”

Missy smiled, “And that leaves you with me, Joseline.  Angus and I also have a three-bedroom apartment, down the hall from the Evidents.  My daughter Menzie will move in with her children.  That will free up her bedroom for you.  And since I am security chief.  I will know where you and Kevin are at all times.  There will be no cheating of the rules.”

Kevin said, “That is what you have not told us.  We have done nothing wrong.  Going off to reform school or whatever they call it should not be the solution.  What are your rules?”

Missy said, “Lily the Pink was the site of a brothel just a few short years ago.  The prostitutes also made cider for Pink Lady.  Baldwyn Apple, her cousin, ran the brothel and imprisoned Miss Pink in what became her office.  It used to be the dining room, but now it is half office and half nursery for the two adopted children and the one that is on the way.  The ladies gathered and came up with one basic rule.  No romance on the premises.  You can hold hands and talk at designated spots in the Crystal Mountain – all places covered by security cameras.  If it gets beyond hugging and kissing, my people will deal with it.  Outside those areas, if you are with someone in a dating situation, you have to have a chaperon.  In your situation, you will be chaperoned continuously while on the campus.  Kevin, you will be allowed to drive your car to school, but someone will pick up Joseline.  We do have big pink buses that go to all the schools, but I am thinking that Naomi Yeggs, Pink Lady’s sister-in-law will take you along with her two children.”

I added, “And I hate cramming religion down anyone’s throats, but the MacDougalls and the Evidents never miss Vespers.  So, since you need 100% observation while on the Lily the Pink campus, you will need to attend those services.  But let me explain the benefits to staying with us, besides keeping the media away.  I already suggested where you can help, and I will pay you for that.  But the Crystal Mountain has two water slides once the weather gets a bit warmer.  We have solar heated water for the slide, but we divert that water to melt the snow if snow builds up on the roof – thus no snow in a ten day forecast with night temperatures near the freezing point or higher and the slides are back in business.  The water slides pour into a pool that is more than adequate for water polo.  If you can throw a ball and tread water, you have the basic skills, but it is an endurance sport.  There is also beach volleyball.  But for someone who has never seen the Crystal Mountain, taking the tour is breathtaking.  One of our best hand-holding spots is underneath one of the tallest indoor waterfalls in the world.  But if you want to gather eggs, we have both chickens and turkeys.  And since you are both studious, learning how all the equipment works would be a great tour.  We do not mind you doing things together, just no intimacy, you know, nudity and such when you are together.  Your primary chaperons are Missy, head of security, and Georges Evident, a detective with the police.  Do not mess with them.  It will not be pretty.”

Kevin said, “Do we need to pack now?”

I said, “I cannot believe that I am saying this, but you were talking about finishing your Economics homework.  Missy and Georges can come back in a couple of hours.”

Kevin turned to Joseline and said, “I think we can do this.”

Joseline replied, “I bet Miss Pink or none of the others have had to be separated from the one that they love for three months.  I’m still not buying it.”

Missy said, “You may have heard about me in the news lately, that is if you follow the local news.  I was forced to sleep with a boy until I produced a daughter.  My mother was setting up the next boy to sleep with me when my sister helped me out through a window, and I ran away from my daughter.  I have only been back together with her for a year now, and my daughter came to Lily the Pink with two children of her own.  I am not even thirty years old.  I have not been married two months, but I have two grandchildren and I missed out of more than ten years with my little girl.”

George Cash asked, “Are you Ruth Collins’ daughter?”  Missy nodded.

Then I spoke up.  “Around thirty years ago, not three months but thirty years almost, before Missy was even born, I did like you did, Joseline.  I was in my backyard, getting a suntan, okay, a deeper pink.  A boy walked up in my backyard and propositioned me to have sex.  No asking for a date.  Sex, right before we even kissed.  Somehow, I was attracted to him.  We had sex until Baldwyn Apple caught us in bed together.  I was the niece of the crime boss, Red Delicious.  He and Baldwyn turned my house, that I owned, into a brothel.  And Baldwyn imprisoned me because he knew that I was in love with Scrambled Yeggs.  I did not see Scrambled again for roughly three decades, almost.  After we were emancipated by the Tracy police, led by now Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs, within six months, Scrambled and I were married.  We still loved each other after thirty years of separation.  And two years later, I have a baby bump.  But back then, it was more than just missing my Scrammie.  I was pregnant.  I had a son, and my side kick hid my baby boy from Baldwyn and Red Delicious and she took him to the monastery.  I had just weaned him, and the next time I saw him he was being sworn in as mayor of Tracy.”

George Cash asked, “And that makes you the mother of our mayor, Boaz Salmon Yeggs.  Right?”

I nodded, “Yes, and if I can love my husband passionately for nearly thirty years of not seeing him, these kids can handle a few months.  Missy and Georges will be back in a couple of hours.”

Joseline said, “It won’t take us that long.  It’s only a little paragraph but thank you.  Knowing that you know what this kind of separation feels like, I know you will sympathize with us.  But my birthday is in a few weeks.”

Missy laughed, “Pink Lady Apple Yeggs is the best party thrower around.  How about a jazz band and a huge cake, and your parents can visit.  That is, if your mom has something to wear.”

George Cash said, “I might buy her something new.  It’s not every day that you have a party in the Crystal Mountain.”

I groaned, “Not every day, but lately, it has felt that way.”

Credits

Most of the Amazon myth is from the internet.  The tattoo and the ritual of the “One” are fictional.