Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I am Mashie Niblick.  I am presently employed as the greenskeeper of the Hoity Toity Golf Club in the big city of Tracy.  Again, I was here for this entire misadventure, but then Pauline and I got separated at one point.

Jacob and Dinah Levy (formerly Hugh and Sue McAdoo) had finally finished moving in.  They invited a few friends.  Okay, almost more than the house could hold.

Of course, when Sophie arrived, she walked around the house and then asked Jacob, “You know, Mr. Levy, that if you let us into the entire house, we would not be so crowded.”

Jacob growled, trying to make it playful, “Young lady, have you ever heard of a secret panic room?  If so, nod your head and keep it secret.  When you come back by yourself, I will give you the full tour.  Your GrandPa is the only one who has been able to break into it, but we modified it since then.”

Sophie giggled, but then she dutifully nodded her head and walked away.

At the party, GrandPa (Millennium Yeggs), Pauline and I were the only former employees of the man formerly known as Hugh McAdoo, and I still have not heard who the new one is.  Oh, Jochebed and Georges were introduced to Dinah as the crowned prince and princess of an African Nation, but after Dinah staggered and was ready to bow to them, everyone started laughing.  Then Dinah said, “Oh, you are the couple!”  She knew not to say anything more.  But Georges and Jochebed only worked for Hugh for the duration of their honeymoon.

Dinah had a few friends from Dala Solutions or the other company.  I cannot keep them straight.  But Amy and Ralph E. were both there, a rarity in that Ralph E. rarely ventured out.  Most of the officers of the Hoity Toity club were there, a lot of stuffy rich people.  There was a crowd from Lily the Pink, other than Pink Lady, not rich and all were ready to party.  Mayor Boaz and Cassie were with the Lily the Pink group, all in the largest pink bus that she had.  And the Deviled Yeggs contingent, with Emmett, were there.  The ones not there were Easter and Jemima, somewhere in a hurricane, we think.  Margie was already tied up at a softball camp, meeting a lot of college coaches, although secretly, she was going to attend T.R.U.S.T. so that she and Blaise could stay close to home.  Margie’s appearance for the local softball team might make the local university relevant.  They kept saying that all they needed was a solid pitcher.

The Lily the Pink bakery catered the event.  They had cold cut sliders using mini hard rolls, baked by Tom ver Waarloosd.  He was splitting his time between picking vegetables and vine-grown fruits and time in the bakery.  He was nervous in that he’d never baked that many rolls at one time before.  All the rich Hoity Toity people were asking where the bread came from, so he must have done a good job.  Having been in Europe a lot, it was simply bread to Pauline and me, but it was good.

The servers were ladies from Lily the Pink.  Aiyana, the Native American who was in Missy’s wedding party, was approached by someone who had been one of her clients when she was a prostitute.  She had such striking beauty.  Unless she had a twin, no one would mistake her for someone else.  The former client made a comment about her liaison with him.  She calmly replied, with a smile, “Sir, you must have me confused with someone else.  I am here to serve hors d oeuvres.  I find your comments offensive.  If you persist, I will have to bring the matter up with my manager.  Oh, there is my boyfriend, Archie Sinclair.  Please, excuse me, sir.”

I was wondering how the ladies who had worked for Lily the Pink before the emancipation from prostitution would handle it when they saw someone that they “knew” afterward in the world outside Lily the Pink.  Well played, Aiyana.

Then, there was a knock at the door, not using the doorbell.  With so much noise in every room, only the people in the foyer heard it.  They were about to answer the knock when Dinah said that everyone that is invited was already here, including the caterer personnel.  She checked the basic camera first.  Two men, each carrying presents, were checking out everything on the front porch.  The camouflaged metal detector detected each man had a concealed weapon and there was something looking like a compressed gas cylinder in each of the presents.

She turned to Pauline and me.  We saw the threat.  I was thinking of asking Deviled Yeggs to have the police swoop in, but Pauline was already on the phone.

“Polly, remember that massage technique that makes Wise Guy afraid of me?  …  Yeah, that one.  Are you familiar with the trail between our house and Deviled Yeggs’ house?  …  Great, I will meet you there.  No sirens.  No lights.  We want to be unique. …  Sorry, old joke.  We want to sneak up on a couple of potentially bad characters and do them no harm, but make sure they are asleep.  … Great!  I can be there in about two minutes.  I won’t have to wait long.  Oh, they may have a separate driver who might run for it when we subdue the guys on the front porch.  Have a roadblock set up to trap anyone coming out of the Deviled Yeggs cul de sac.”  Pauline put her phone away and rushed out the backdoor.  She and Polly Pulice would be able to subdue the bad guys on the porch, but this was not your normal takedown.

Pauline went down the trail from the Levy House to the intersection.  She only waited about thirty seconds before Polly showed up.  Pauline whispered what was going on.  They walked from there to the Yeggs’ house.  They skirted the front yards of the neighbors until they reached the party house.

I knew from Pauline’s not telling the joke what her plan was.  “How do you overcome and subdue an angry no-man who wants to mash a no-ball in your face and the no-man has eyes all over his face?  Unique up on him from behind.”  If you didn’t get it, the joke teller cannot put the “S” sound in front of an “N.”  Snowman, Snowball, you sneak up on him.

When they each reached their assigned assailant, they placed their hands on their shoulders.  Pauline said, “Hiya, fellas, trying to crash a party?”

Her “fella” said, “Naw, just neighbors dropping off housewarming presents.”

Pauline replied, “And you can’t read the sign that says, ‘place presents in this bin.’  And I am from this neighborhood, and I have never met either one of you.”

Polly’s man flinched.  Polly said, “No, you don’t.”  That gave Pauline the clue to work fast.  Both assailants fell to the floor, dropping their presents.

But before they could use handcuffs to secure their suspects and retrieve the ‘presents,’ something like the business end of a pistol shoved into their ribs.  A guy who sounded like he had watched far too many Film Noir movies said, “Listen, little ladies, they wuz just droppin’ off the presents.  If youz just pick up the presents and go in the house…”

A distinct “thud”, no two thuds, were heard.  Then squealing of tires in the cul de sac.  And the two armed gunmen fell behind Polly and Pauline.  The two ladies turned around to see Deviled Yeggs and me.

I said, “Babe!”

Deviled waited a few seconds and then said, “Polly, to clarify the admonishment Mashie just gave his wife.  You know procedure.  Do not start acting like your partner, Wise Guy, who is still restricted to office work.  To be honest, he is turning into a great desk sergeant and that will get him the promotion he wants.  But the next time Pauline invites the Holy Terror to do a little death grip action with her, what do you do?”

Polly sheepishly squeaked, “Call for backup?”

There were shouts and a siren on the main street.  No gunfire, just slamming of car doors.  Polly’s rookie partner and the potential backup had stopped the getaway driver.

“Never again, right, Polly Pulice, police officer, or you may have to wait even longer to make it Polly Pulice, Police Detective.” Deviled growled.

Polly made a pouty face, almost making Deviled laugh.  He held it in while she softly said, “Yes, Lieutenant.”

Polly flipped her radio on, and her rookie drove around to pick her up.  He brought extra cuffs.  They put three in their squad car.  The last of the four thugs was placed in the other police car that helped in the roadblock, along with the driver of the get away car.  The wrecker towed away the assailant’s car.

After the presents were picked up by the crime scene people and warned what to expect, Dev, Pauline and I rang the doorbell.  Otto answered the door, “Oh, there you are Uncle Dev, Glyce has been looking for you.”

Deviled shrugged, “The Niblicks and I just wanted some fresh air.  There are far too many people at the party.”  Otherwise, no one other than Dinah knew why we had stepped away.  There was too much noise inside to notice anything happening on the front porch.  The two beautiful ladies with the death grips have maintained their secret.  Oh, Pauline would be angry with me.  It is not a grip and no one has died when the thing that is not a grip has been administered … yet.  Thus, it is not a death grip, but our friends at the police call it that.

Deviled Yeggs and I went to the precinct when our wives and kids tired of the party.  Boaz hitched a ride with Jacob Levy, formerly Hugh McAdoo.  The four of us would not get any sleep tonight.  The driver was placed in the squad room lockup.  When each of his buddies awoke, they were shackled to the floor.  One in each interrogation room and the fourth in Dev’s office.  The two that Dev and I knocked out were awake before we got back to the precinct, but the other two awoke right at thirty minutes after the non-lethal, non-grip was applied.  Uncanny how the sleep time is thirty minutes, give or take four minutes.

Georges Evident, having no idea if this was organized crime, went to Lily the Pink on the bus and then rushed in.  Captain Hart and Gisele beat us to the precinct.  He started the interrogations along with Poached and Tony Tagliolini, who had been called in.

No one was talking.  We had to know the target.  Was it someone who knew Jacob and Dinah Levy were Hugh and Sue McAdoo?  But Pauline and I were there.  She might not have enemies, but I had a couple.  The mayor was there.  Some of the Hoity Toity crowd may have ruffled feathers on their way up the ladder.  And although Red Delicious had an agreement with Empire Apple to not go after anyone in the Deviled Yeggs family or anyone at Lily the Pink, maybe Empire was trying yet again to show he had the power rather than an old man in a prison cell.  But could Empire work with his drug suppliers to go after someone like Georges Evident?  Red Delicious knew not to mess with the police unless boxed into a corner, but Empire was a little more reckless.

Our lab people came back with a gas that might cause vomiting or diarrhea.  It was not normally a deadly gas.  That did not help in narrowing the list of intended victims.  This seemed to be a case of how the boss of these assailants was making it clear that he could strike anywhere, any time.

Late in the day, Dinah called her husband.  He gave Deviled the gist of an advertising brochure, of sorts.  It was basically a note from a local home security company.  They knew there was a threat thwarted by the police, but if the police were not there, innocent people would have been hurt.  Lawsuits regarding liability might be levied.  And all of that could be avoided by their home security system.  Note:  This was not the company who rents space from Poached Yeggs in his monster warehouse.

For one thing, how did the security company know?  We thought no one had noticed what was going on outside, but someone may have noticed, someone bored with the conversation, someone who pulled back the curtains, someone who knew someone at the security company.  Someone had heard the knock at the door and was willing to open the door, but Dinah had stopped them.  Who was it?

But the other thought was: Did the security company create the problem in the first place?  Were they the brains behind this entire thing?

When we got the results of the fingerprints back, we had some low rent hoods from out of state, basically, four nobodies.  The only one with no hit was the driver.  We had the threat and attempt of grievous bodily harm on a massive number of people.  The four assailants and their driver were not going anywhere for a while.

While we let them stew in a cell for a while, we called Honeycrisp Apple, and she sent Juici Apple over.  Juici was sometimes forthcoming with juicy Rotten Apple gossip.  Georges did the interview.  She had no idea who the five guys in lockup were.  She had heard no rumors of harassing a housewarming party.  She said that the Deviled Yeggs family and Lily the Pink were still off limits, as far as what she heard.  But she did overhear a strange conversation that Jonathan had over the phone.  She said that Johnathan said something about how they were not interested in some kind of prank.  It was far too risky, and they weren’t offering enough.  They worked on a warrant for the phone records, but they were not holding out much hope.  Juici could not even remember the month, much less a day here or there.  Talkative, quite often very good information, but sometimes, like this, a tease that gets you nowhere.

Finally, we had the manager of the home security company in the interrogation room.

By this time, Jim was also in the office.  He went first, not saying anything about that advertisement dropped off at the Levy’s front door.  Poached followed Jim, playing the good cop, promising no problem if he cooperated.  Nothing.

Then Dev went in.  Mr. Don Bee groaned (As in their advertisement, “Don Bee half safe,” which kind of says the owner is half safe). “Mr. Bee, do you send out fliers that talk about neighborhood break-ins?”  He denied that.  “You know, Mr. Bee, the text of the ad might say, ‘You could have party crashers that could ruin the party and it might lead to lawsuits that cause you to lose your home and life savings.’ ”

Mr. Bee nodded, which the tape recorder did not catch, “You know, detective, that’s a great gimmick.  Thanks, I’ll use it.”

Dev said, “It’s Lieutenant.  And maybe you already have used it.  Right after you paid goons to crash a party last night.”

“Hey!” he grumbled, “I didn’t do that!”

Dev said, “So, why is this letter on your company letterhead?  And how did you know there would be party crashers in my cul de sac last night?”  Dev showed him the brochure, far enough away from him to not reach it.”

He sneered, “Are you incinerating that I did something wrong?  Sounds like a harmless prank to me, and a really smart advertising idea.”

Dev groaned, “It’s insinuating, not incinerating.  Besides, threatening and attempting grievous bodily harm is not a prank.  Who were you targeting?  Was it my new neighbors, a dozen different millionaires that came by, or the mayor?  Please, don’t tell me you were after me or the other detective that was there.  We don’t like that.”

He looked up at Dev in shock.  “The two-bit rotten mayor was there?”

Dev asked, “How is Mayor Boaz a two-bit rotten mayor?”

He asked, “Why do you call him Mayor Boaz?  His name is Boaz Yeggs.  All them Yeggs is a bunch of crooks.”

Dev shrugged, “I am Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs.  Boaz is my nephew.  First names are easier.  So, why do you hate him?”

Don Bee said, “I had a thriving home security business.  The mayor cracked down on crime.  Nobody buys the security packages anymore.  Half the people that pay the maintenance fees have cut off payments.  My main installer ran off with my wife.  My own sons got jobs with my ex-wife, doing the same thing I’m doing here down in Memphis, TN, and they are making a fortune.  Yeah, if I had thought of the scam to make some people sick for 24 hours, I would love to know one of them was the mayor.  But I didn’t do it.”

Dev smiled, “We said nothing about something that made people sick for 24 hours.  We didn’t even know the effects lasted that long.  How do you know?”

Don Bee said, “One of the other detectives mentioned it.”

Dev shook his head.  “See this box on my desk?  I was listening in on the other end of the line.  Right, Gisele?”  Over the box, Gisele said, “Right, Lieutenant, and I was typing everything that was said.  Do you want me to read any of it back?”

Don Bee groaned, “It was a prank to try to save the company.  No one would get hurt.  You hug the toilet or you sit on it for a while, then you’re fine!”

Dev tossed some research across the table in his direction.  “Two cases in the US where the gas was released, and someone died.  With a pre-existing heart condition, the reaction to the gas can be fatal.  There was a famous engineer at the party who is over one hundred years old and has a pre-existing heart condition.”

Don Bee looked confused, “Engineers ain’t the kind that get famous.  You’re making that up.”

I sighed, “Mr. Bee, have you ever heard of ‘Design by Tensie’?”

Don Bee smiled, “Yeah, the security cameras in our equipment have that printed on them.”  Then he stopped for a second. “Wait!  You ain’t trying to drum up some attempted murder charge, are you?”

Dev smiled, “Let me formally introduce myself.  Lt. Deviled Yeggs, in charge of homicide in the big city of Tracy.”

Don Bee was sweating, “And what I heard, they never got in the building.  You got nothing!  I want a lawyer.”

“You should have said that last thing first.”

Jim and Poached came in to take him to a different holding cell.  If he put him in with the guys he had hired, they might have him for lunch.  When they were gone, Jacob Levy walked in with Pauline, GrandPa, and me.

Dev asked, “Did he look familiar?”

Jacob laughed, “Nope, but does that mean anything?  Oh, here are your car keys.”

Dev asked, “How did you get them?”  Jacob shrugged and pointed to GrandPa.

GrandPa laughed, “No, no, no.  That was something you taught me.”  Then they both laughed.

Pauline asked, “But this guy was stupid.  How could he dream this up to save his company?  Starting a mini-crime wave to get people scared and then he comes to the rescue?  He’s too stupid to think of that.”

Jacob said, “Yeah, I’ll put our think tank back in DC on it.  We need to find out who the target really was.  He actually looked surprised when you said the mayor was there.  It took him a while to shift into tough guy mode.”

I nodded, “But I have a better idea.  Let’s call in GrandPa’s wife.”

GrandPa said, “No need to do that.  She is picking me up.  You can tell her in person to round up her rogues.”

Jacob asked, “Who are the rogues?”

I shook my head, “I’m surprised Gwen hasn’t invited you to join.  I think Pink mentioned it to Dinah.”

It had been a long day and many of us had worked through the night.  We were tired.  As we were turning to leave, GrandPa was sitting in the corner.  His eyes were closed.  He was laughing.

“What’s so funny, GrandPa?” Dev asked.

Still with his shoulders shaking from the laughter, “I spent over a year at the mountain cabin afraid that one enemy or another had figured out what I had done in his or her country.  Now, everybody else in the room is wondering the same thing.  Take my advice, people.  Be careful, but live life.  God will take care of the rest.”

Credits

The Perils of Pauline was a movie serial started in 1914. It defined many serials that followed, including the Perils of Pauline “moment,” the cliffhanger that caused you to return to the theater for the next installment.

I do not think I have any further Credits for this one.