Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

When I opened my door for my open-door policy, Thomasina Tatiana Tutor-Tarrant, Tommie Tat for short, my comptroller, was standing in the doorway, ready to knock, with her was a man, about her age, and extremely handsome.  No hair out of place, that modern five-o’clock shadow beard, brown hair, blue eyes, and his muscles seemed to have muscles.

I quickly said, “Oh, thank you, Tommie, for the drop off.  I’ll see you later.”  With that, I grabbed her beau and pulled him into the office and tried to slam the door.

Tommie stuck her foot in the door.  She growled, “Pink Lady, I thought you had your one and only with Scrammie!”

I shrugged, “It was a joke in poor taste, but hey!  I tried.  Who is this guy, anyway?”

Tommie said, “He is my fiancé, Doug Kutz, or by his work name, Dogg Kutz.”

I blinked a few times, “Sorry, Tommie, I do not watch television unless there is News about us here at Lily the Pink.  I need to know how to answer the lies.  Am I supposed to know Dogg Kutz?  And it seems you have skipped a few steps.  When you were in high school and college, you never dated.  Now you are engaged, but I do not remember you ever saying you were dating.  Did you accidentally see this guy naked?  Did you have sex together?  Is this a quickie wedding?”

Tommie groaned, “Pink, can we sit down?  The answer to each question is a ‘yes’, sort of.  But they each need an explanation.  I am still sober.  I have not fallen off the wagon.  I have not slept around in a long, long time.  Doggie is a wonderful guy.  But to explain the three ‘yes’ answers, can we just talk for a while?”

They took their seats in the visitor chairs, but they moved them close to each other to hold hands.  I walked around to my chair.  I turned on the massage and heat.  I shrugged, “I don’t know.  I am kind of fixated on the three ‘yes’ answers.  Okay, I will address Mr. Doggie, as you call him.”

Doug cleared his throat, “It’s Doug, ma’am.”

I waved a hand. “You can call me, Pink or Mommie Pinkie, since everyone else seems to do, unless they really are family.”

On cue, Kanok ran over and patted me on the thigh.  “Mommie Pinkie!”  She ran around the desk and patted Tommie, “Tommie Tatty!”  She looked at Doug, “You?”  She blinked a few times.

Doug said, “I’m Doug.”

Kanok said, “Dogg. I Kanok!”  She ran back to the play area.  “PawPaw, I want a dog.”

Tommy put her hands to her face.  “At least she said Tatty.”  Then we heard Kanok singing.  As she did, she changed the “A” to an “I” in Tommy Tatty.  Tommy said, “And there she goes,” but Tommie was laughing.

To get a little control back, as if I really had any, “Doug, what do you do for a living?”

Doug said, “I am the owner of the Dogg Kutz Spa.  I am the dog groomer.  If Kanok gets a dog that needs grooming, I charge about $35 for the small dogs, and it goes up to $90 for the large breeds.  Some places charge extra for the dog bath beforehand, but I do not.  There are other things that are extras where I charge a minimal fee.  As for ‘Doggie’, I would remind people who call me that of the line in the Narnian Chronicles that says that dogs, especially Narnian dogs, do not like to be called ‘nice little doggie, then.’  But when Tat called me that I seemed to like it.”

Tommie said, “Doggie, tell her your side hustle.”

Doug groaned, “Please, no!”

Tommie purred, “Come on.  Confession time.  Besides, Pink is great with counseling people with sexual problems.”  That piqued my interest.

Doug sighed, “Okay.  I am cutting off that income stream, but …  About two years ago, a woman came in with a large dog.  She paid $100 up front on her credit card to cover the cost and the tip.  But when we got to the underbelly, she asked if I could shape the grooming into a couple of lightning bolts.  I had never had such a request, but it was not that hard to do.  The woman was impressed at the result.  She then took out two Benjamins from her purse and said, ‘Now, do me.’  As I threw up my hands to say that I only groom dogs, she pulled her pants down.  She said that both her husband and her boyfriend would be impressed, and she would insist that it was a female who did the artwork.  For two hundred in cash?  I thought it was easy money.  Well, she may have kept it from the men in her life, but all the ladies at the dog park found out about it.  And all the sick ones came by to get a butterfly, a heart, a star, something like that.  Some women get tattoos down there, but some like something that is removable, like when the hair grows back.  And when they want to keep it, I insist on no more than $150 for a trim.  They don’t even blink, and they usually insist on giving me a tip.  Who said, ‘Women be crazy.’”

I said, “I have no idea, but George Carlin said that women are crazy because men are stupid.  But two hundred dollars for a little snip-snip was easy money and you might just be a sick, but smart guy.  Were your hands shaking?”  Doug nodded.

I turned back to Tommie, “Since you gave me three ‘yes’ answers, but you want to torture me by withholding an explanation, start at the beginning.  How did you meet?  How did you sneak around with no one knowing you were dating?”

Tommie sighed, “You know, Pink.  I love you, not like with Doug, but I was pretty messed up when I came here to do the interview.  Then you promoted me to comptroller.  That was great as long as Anna Hill was here doing the books, but then she left, and I had the books and the oversight.  I have not had a big vacation ever since.  But before you protest.  Amara is learning, which added a teaching element to what I was doing.  I love doing that, but Amara is only now making my work easier.  But then this gem of an accountant falls in our laps.  How did you react when Pink Pearl said she was your daughter?”

I groaned, “My blood ran cold.  I knew she was not my daughter.  Somehow, the woman isn’t fooled regarding that detail, but she could easily be my twin, minus a couple of decades.  And then to discover that my father had an affair with my mother’s twin sister…  I thought my heart had stopped at that moment.  By the way, PawPaw and Vieve have gone on a date or two.”

Tommie smiled, “That’s sweet.  But in lieu of a vacation, I have been doing backpacking hikes.  On Saturday, I start out early.  I hike five or six miles up a trail and then have a picnic lunch, do a little sunbathing, and then hike back to the car.  I check out a pink sedan or a small SUV.  On one of those hikes, I was sunbathing.  I had my sports bra covering the necessary parts but nothing else, and I had a bikini bottom on.  I wasn’t really trying to tan, but after you have gotten heated up, it feels soothing to lay there and let the sun make you feel warm all over.  I had drifted off to sleep and Doug greeted me.  I jumped out of my skin, and I scrambled to get dressed.  He laughed, since I was not underdressed anyway.  As we hiked down the trail, back to my car, ummm, the company car, he said he had started at the far trail head, about fifteen miles away.  He usually called a friend to come pick him up and take him back to his car, but I volunteered.  He said that the next time that I wanted to do that hike, I could park my vehicle at one end, and he would drive me to the other end.  And we have been doing that ever since.  But we have gone further from Tracy, not just the few trails around here.”

I smiled, “So, you have not gone on an old traditional date, like a movie or out to dinner?”  They both shook their heads.  “So, where did the three ‘yes’ answers come from?”

Tommie blushed, “Well, the first two are sort of together.  Umm.  But in the traditional sense, I guess they would naturally be together.  Doug suggested a two-day hike.  We went to the foothills of the Rockies.  I insisted that we each have our own tent, so we would not get tempted to do anything.  You know.  Well, the first day had the sun beating down.  We found a nice place to pitch our tents.  Doug suggested that since we were so sweaty, we should probably take a bath, and we camped near a stream.  I told him that I would not look if he didn’t.  But then, he went first.  I was thinking he was taking too long, so I peaked.  I saw a lot more than I bargained for, and I was immediately reminded why I was not to look.  Well, then it became my turn, and I think he might have peaked on purpose.  I couldn’t complain since the agreement was that I would not look if he didn’t, but he might not know that I did.  But I did.  Anyway, we made some glances at each other, then fully dressed, mostly in shame.  Then I said that I needed to go into my tent for a while alone.  He did the same, but then we started fantasizing about what we might do if we were in the same tent, as we talked to each other from tent to tent about our fantasy.  As we kept getting more and more graphic, well, you know.”

I snickered, “Did you need to take another bath?”  I started to laugh.

Tommie and Doug turned crimson, Tommie said, “Maybe we should have, but we didn’t trust ourselves.  We talked about how we made the whole thing a bit disgusting.  We agreed to start going to church together.  We vowed that when we actually did the deed, it would be to God’s glory.  Since then, we have done several overnighter hikes, but that was the only time we did that.  We have respected each other’s privacy ever since.”

I asked, “So, why the need for a quickie wedding?”

Tommie said, “Well, all our life together so far has been hiking.  Doug researched it before he gave me the ring and I said ‘yes’.  Well, Doug found this trail in the mountains.  You hike for two days sleeping in separate tents along the betrothed trail.  Then near a small waterfall, there is a little chapel.  The chapel is accessible by car, and really the chapel has a few bedrooms.  It is more like a cabin with the living room laid out like a chapel, on one side there are rooms for the groom’s family and on the other side rooms for the bride’s family.  That way, the wedding party can shower, change clothes, have a wedding, and then the witnesses go to separate bedrooms, with a special room for the bride and groom.  But then, the idea is that the wedding couple hikes down the wedded trail sharing a single tent.  The deal is that the chapel is available this weekend, and then booked until the season is over, the trail being too dangerous in icy conditions.  They close for the winter in a month.  I would like to ask you for permission to marry Doug.”

I snorted.  “Tommie, I think the days of the man asking the father of the bride are passed.  You do not have to ask permission.  As for vacation, you have a lot saved up.  While you are on your honeymoon, I can do enough spot checks of the work that Amara and Pearl are doing that I think you won’t have much work to do to catch up.  And Anna can check her accountant’s work.  Do you have a pastor in mind?”

Doug said, “Yes, ma’am, I mean, Mommie Pinkie.  We go to the small church near where Dev Yeggs lives.  He used to go there before he moved to the First-Third downtown.  Captain Hart and Gisele sit near us.  They are great friends.  Our pastor has agreed, and he has a substitute pastor to fill in on Sunday.  The wedding will be Saturday, but what Tommie meant was that she wanted you to be there.”

I protested, “No, I can’t climb or hike.  I am breast feeding Sparkle.”

Gwen walked up behind me.  “Yes, Pink, you can.  They said there was car access to the cabin.  They will show up, have the wedding, and you can then come back home.  You need a vacation yourself, and this is only for a weekend.  Take the children and let Scrambled do the driving.  Maybe even Boaz and Pearl if they want.  Do it.”

Tommie said, “I heard you had weird gypsy skills, and you could mysteriously appear in a room, but, Boss, how much of that did you hear?”

Gwen said, “Being very quiet when you enter a room is not gypsy skills, but I heard enough to get a good laugh and to be happy for both of you.  By the way, Mr. Doug Kutz, I am Gwen Quinn.  I am president of Lily the Pink Enterprises, and my favorite thing in the world to do is buy something for the bride.  I have already gotten Tommie’s package ready.  Pink may have been too busy with family things and taking care of a newborn, but I saw the glow on Tommie’s face, and I knew she was getting ready to introduce us to someone.  The entire company would attend if you had it at the Crystal Mountain, but I understand your idea of a perfect wedding.  Let us know how long you will be gone, and we can at least have a wedding reception with a huge cake when you return.  Oh, will you two be moving into Doug’s house?”

Tommie nodded, “Yeah, he lives near his salon near the loop around Tracy.  It is not too much of a commute, but he’ll have to drop me off.  I don’t own a car.”

I huffed, “Think nothing of it.  Take one of the pink sedans until you can find time to buy your own car.  You’ve been checking it out nearly every weekend anyway.  Or would the Dogg be offended by a pink car in his driveway?”

Doug snickered, “Not at all, Mommie Pinkie.”

I also suggested, “And would you mind having the Drivers and the Williams pack your things and move your stuff to Doug’s house while you are gone?  Doug, loan us a key.  All Tommie’s things will be in your house when you return, not unpacked, just neatly stacked in well identified boxes.  I assume that you have more than one bedroom?”  Doug nodded.  “Good, we will take care of everything while you are gone.  Now, Tommie, I am sure Doug has not seen the Crystal Mountain.  When you return from the honeymoon, Gwen will have coveralls for him, but a walking tour of Lily the Pink is impressive from the ground level.  I doubt if either of you will get too winded on the hike.”

With that, Doug and Tommie left for their tour.

Gwen said, “Pink, you are planning something.  Since you will be at the wedding, what do I have to do?”

I tilted my head and stared at her.  “Gwen, you know me too well.  Buy a queen-sized bed for the other bedroom, not Doug’s.  Buy some hiking or camping themed bed linens.  Have rose petals leading from the front door to the bedroom and get all the wedding gifts that will flood in over the next few days.  Everyone will want to leave a nice impression on the money person of the company.  Besides, her neighbors in the apartment complex will want to contribute extra.  And get Rota and Zuzka involved.  Let Dot Com know that the mission can send us a married couple or a couple with a baby, limited to a one-bedroom apartment.  Rota will manage the apartment rental and Zuzka can arrange any touch up work.  Tommie Tat has had some time to make her apartment her own, and we need it ready for someone else.”

And Gwen shook her head, “You love giving beds as wedding or welcoming gifts.  And you love giving apartments away to people who have been homeless.  And I love that we are sisters of different mothers.”  She gave me a long hug.  When she pulled away, “We have to let the company know, even the folks in Washington state.  Tommie Tat and Anna got to be really close.  And you just handed me a lot of work for just a few days.  I hope Doug does not mind a slightly oversized pair of coveralls.  I am not as good with men as I am with women, and wow!  I have never seen so many muscles!”

The wedding was wonderful, and after descending the mountain, Scrambled said that he was too tired to drive home, so we spent a couple of extra days at a hotel in the foothills.  With PawPaw and Grannie Fannie taking care of Kanok and Joon, Scrammie and I had a couple of days to have some “us” time.  I don’t think Scrammie was tired at all, but I think Scrammie knew I needed a break.

We got back about the same time that Tommie Tat and Doug made it back.  Mabel baked a fantastic wedding cake.  Jemima took a lot of photographs.  They had to settle on Grannie Fannie’s photography at the chapel in the mountains.  But I doubt if Tommie Tat and Doug noticed.  They did notice when they got to the home that they now call theirs.

I received a text just before I went to bed.  “More Gypsy Magic.  Thank you, all.”

Credits

Destination weddings are a big thing these days.  There may be a wedding plan just as Doug and Tommie Tat talked about, but there is an entire industry that has emerged to handle the growing concept of destination weddings.  You can go online to find people who can work out all the details of the wedding, since you, as the couple, may not be from there.  Some websites even have elopement guides.  So, a wedding like that of Doug and Tommie Tat would probably follow an elopement guideline.