Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs.  I work homicide in the big city of Tracy.  Working for me are my old partners: Detective Sgt. Jim Wednesday and Detective Poached Yeggs, my nephew who is slowly becoming a good detective.  But Poached was in the Everglades.

We were meeting in the unfinished third floor of the Lily the Pink apartment building again.  But we had a slightly different group of people.  Jim and Tuesday Wednesday had come to my house the night before, staying in Easter’s old bedroom, and we all piled into the car with the garage door closed.  Boaz arrived to visit his mother before dawn.  A little later, a pink bus came to the Niblick house.  Georges and Jochebed got off the bus.  Jochebed stayed with Baffy while the Niblicks and George got onto the bus.  Captain Hart and Gisele, carrying a birthday cake, came by the Levy’s house.  The four of them, without the cake, took the trail in the woods behind our houses to meet at the pink bus in front of the Niblick’s house.  The D.A. announced to his secretary that Missy MacDougall was being cited for good work in the community, and he was going by to talk to her.  Only the D.A. and the mayor pulled in front of the house.  The pink bus came in the truck entrance and parked in one of Jim Kaiser’s maintenance bays.  The Wednesdays and I parked in front of the bakery, cops buying donuts, how cliché.  The group did not meet until they got to the third floor in a dusty construction area, with the construction workers having the day off.  People arrived from a variety of directions and at different times and took different routes to the apartment building with half the people entering and leaving each of two guarded stairwells (same security as the last time).  If anyone was wise to the investigation, we did not want them to know about this meeting.  The noose had been applied, but we did not want anyone tightening the noose until the D.A. was ready to file his case.

Randolph Edmund Jennings, the D.A., asked, “I hope this charade is worthwhile.  What high profile person in the big city of Tracy has been naughty?”

I smiled, “Sir, that is why we are meeting here.  We have evidence that one of our own is up to no good.  In fact, this member of the police force has been working with his counterpart in Stout County, trying to get the Leafy Greens and the Rotten Apples into a gang war.  Their assumption is that with a strong organized crime syndicate, everyday crimes go down.  There are some statistics to indicate that, but stats can lie.  These two have been paying for practical jokes which involve criminal activity and some piggybacking off criminal activity to make one gang think the other gang was intruding.  Our dirty cop is Lt. Tony Tagliolini, head of Organized Crime.”

D.A. Jennings said, “Your evidence better be airtight if you are going to make that kind of an accusation.  And I suppose his counterpart is Undersheriff Stan Smith?”

I nodded.  “My daughter was at the hot dog stand on the county line.  They were at a table behind the stand, not visible to the cars driving up.  She went to put condiments on a couple of hot dogs, and she heard some familiar voices.  She reported this to me, and I called in Tuesday since the conversation happened on her turf and Judge Farquharson to get the necessary warrants.  He and Judge Trueblue are district judges, as you are the D.A.  I knew I could trust Georges Evident which put him in a bind.  He was investigating his boss.  Before Poached left for the Everglades, he tried everything he could think of to find the money trail, but he came up with nothing.  But Tuesday dressed up as a security company to install hidden cameras at the hot dog stand.  A couple of us helped her.  If anyone was looking, it looked like the hot dog stand owner was setting up night security for his business, no one looked like a cop.  We finally hit paydirt.  Stan and Tony are planning to have Ambrosia Apple have an accident, and they are going to plant so much Leafy Green evidence that we won’t be able to ignore it.  I was offended.  I never ignore evidence, and I suspected person or persons unknown pulling these pranks.”

D.A. Jennings asked, “What pranks?”

I replied, “The attempted noxious gas release that never happened at the Levy’s house during the housewarming.  It was done by out-of-state muscle.  They weren’t ready for Pauline and Polly’s apprehension skills and a great security system at the house.  Then there was the green flattop, who was given the suggestion by Stan Smith to audition as Empire’s new hitman.  Stan had fed Turnip Greens some fake info that Flattop was untrustworthy.  She was unbalanced, but reasonably trustworthy.  Then there were the four frozen cadavers at the golf club.  They admit paying for the muscle, again, out-of-state.  Then the Envy Apple and twenty-nine other murders at the health club.  Tony had something to do with that.  They brag about it being their caper, but they never say what their involvement was.  Tony had a diver go into the well so that the body of Golden Delicious would be found sooner rather than later.  Oh, and I forgot, the murder of Arugula Greens and the murder of Roald McDonald.”

Jim sang, “Had a farm.  E, I, E, I, O.  My apologies.  I couldn’t resist.”

I cleared my throat.  “According to what Tony and Stan say, Arugula never came into Tracy.  The hired guns killed both.”

D.A. Jennings huffed, “And they claim other mischief?  But if they are paying these thugs, where is the money trail?”

I nodded, “Poached isn’t the only one with mad computer skills.  Tuesday is pretty good, but we finally got an audio clip that paid big dividends on the money front.  Stan was syphoning money off a dead uncle.  Tony had an account in his deceased grandfather’s name.  They had fake IDs and no one checked that the two should have been over one hundred years old and deceased.  With the correct IDs, Tuesday found the money trails to the different organized crime syndicates.  All that is in the folder.  Where does the money come from and where does it go, Tuesday?”

Tuesday smiled, “They have both been getting kickbacks from the respective mobs to look the other way or raid the wrong warehouse.  The money was from a holding company owned by a holding company, but once you dug deep enough you found Turnip Greens or Empire Apple, whichever applies.  They invested that money under their assumed names, and when they had enough to start a gang war, or so they thought, they started buying hired guns.  But I have to hand it to Lieutenant Yeggs, we have caught most of these out-of-state guys before they could get away.  We cannot make some of the connections between their discussions they have at the hot dog hut and what we know of the case.  We are still working on it, but there has been money spent near the time of those unconnected cases, so there must be a connection somewhere.  I do not think anyone has seen the video that Georges has yet.  I am hoping Georges has some of those connections.”

I nodded to Georges.

Georges said, “I really do not want anyone to see this video, but since it has to be done, I only wanted the people in this room to see this.  The tails that I set up on Tony paid off.  Tony has not been a field cop in so long, he never suspected.  Tony has been having an affair with Jazz Apple.  They have their liaisons at an apartment near the Latvian community, but technically part of the city center.  I thought it might be pillow talk to find out what Empire was up to, something legitimate.  It might have been innocent, but it was more than that.  We had some surveillance recordings that were strange, but they indicated Jazz knew about what Stan and Tony are up to.  This video is with me being wired and visiting Jazz when Tony was tied up in meetings downtown.  The mayor made sure Tony would not leave the building all day.  This is really embarrassing.  I have never had to do this kind of thing.  I asked Jochebed if she would ever forgive me, and that before I went there.  She said that if I defiled myself, I would have to take a witchdoctor cleansing potion upon my return.  I survived the potion.”

D.A. Jennings said, “Witchdoctor Cleansing potion?”

Georges nodded, “Yes, my wife was the wife of a witchdoctor in Africa before both of them became Christians, and then her husband and four children were killed.  When she obtained asylum here, she brought the knowledge of the potions with her, and some of our Pharmacy people at the university are isolating the key ingredients to see if a new discovery or two could be made.  They are making good progress, but approving new drugs takes a long time.  The cleansing potion is basically a really nasty water pill.  She had a couple of gallons of water iced before she gave me the potion to make sure I did not urinate myself to death, but with drinking so much water along the way, I never got dangerously dehydrated.  She said that the witchdoctor belief about the potion was that the man who desired the forbidden fruit would die of dehydration, like the test for an unfaithful wife in the Bible in Numbers 5.  If she was unfaithful, she would get sick and have a miscarriage, maybe even die, but if she was innocent, God would protect her, and nothing would happen.  But I could not stop going to the bathroom for about eight hours.  Jochebed knew my reason for going to the apartment of one Jazz Apple.”

D.A. Jennings said, “You know that if this goes to trial and we need the video, the judge and the jury have to see it in its entirety, no edited version.”

Georges hung his head, “Yes, I know.  But I want as few copies of this thing as possible.  I’ll start it where she starts talking.”

The D.A. said, “Nope, from the beginning.  If you two are not saying anything, we can fast forward, but I want to make sure you did not entrap her.”

Georges groaned, but he repositioned the starting point.  This is the audio in dialogue form.

Georges: I am approaching the apartment of Jazz Apple.  I am investigating what information she and Tony Tagliolini discuss.  I want to know if she has a connection to Stan Smith.  And if she is a partner in the Stan-Tony business.  I will see where this goes.
Jazz: (after Georges reached the door and knocked) Oh, hi detective.  I heard Lt. Tony Teenie Weenie was tied up.  Did he send you over to keep me company?
Georges: No, this is a similar matter.  Tony and I do not talk much about what you tell him.
Jazz: Oh, so if you want to talk about that stuff, I will do for you what I do for Teenie Weenie.
Georges: Why do you call him Teenie Weenie?
Jazz (Giggling): Haven’t you compared your things while at the urinal?  Tony is Teenie Weenie.  Not very satisfying, but if he gives me a love child, I am okay with it.
Georges: Gentlemen do not look at such things in the men’s room.  We look straight ahead.
Jazz (still giggling): You haven’t missed anything.
Georges: I just want to ask you some questions.
Jazz: Like I said, after we have satisfied ourselves in bed.  Then, I will sing like a canary.  If you are impressively good in bed, I will give you information that I never talk to Teenie Weenie about.  But first, I have to check out your package.
Georges: I would rather you didn’t…
Jazz: Wow!  I have never seen anything this big.  I am going to put you at the top of my list now.  Let’s see.  That Chippendale dancer, then Grieves – that was the former mayor’s valet, a few others, and then at the bottom was Tony.  But this is a new number one.  Can I kiss it?
Georges: I guess, if that is where this is going.  Ummm.  Jazz.  That’s not kissing.
Jazz (Giggling): Yes, we are going to bed together. … Oh, you are wearing a wire and a body cam.  Good!  Let me get a hanger so I can point the camera toward the bed.
Georges: You know that I am using this video as evidence.
Jazz:  Yeah, sure.  And if you know how to use that monster even halfway respectably, I will give you all you want to know, and a few things that you might not think to ask.
Georges:  Jazz, are you just sex crazed, or what is your issue with this?
Jazz:  Have you heard of a PK, like in a church?
Georges: I know one or two preacher’s kids, but you are not a preacher’s kid.
Jazz:  No, I am a CFK, crime family kid.  I can either marry another criminal or be a criminal or an old spinster like Ambrosia and Honeycrisp.  No self-respecting non-criminal would date me seriously.
Georges:  Ambrosia was not a spinster.  She was married to Pine Apple.
Jazz:  Nope.  They were shacking up for a long time, but I want to be like them.  They were spinsters, but they both had a love child or two.  It was Ambrosia that had the two.  I want a love child.  Please make me pregnant!  I will never come to you for financial help.  Please!
Georges: I never heard about Ambrosia’s second one, or was that one before Ashmead?
Jazz (Giggling):  You do know things, but no talking until we get too tired to do things.  Then after we are rested, we can go again.  Remember, the better this is and the more we do it, the more I talk.

Dinah Levy asked, “Is that thing real?”

Georges turned red.  Even with his dark skin, you could tell.  “Jochebed also has a male enhancement potion.  When we were having problems conceiving, she started mixing the potion with my coffee without me knowing.  It was ten days of feeling better and more energetic before the growth started.  Once you top out on the growth, you can stop the potion, and it takes a few months for you to get back to normal.”

Dinah said, “Who would want to?  Georges, can you stay after everyone leaves, I have to try this out!”

Jacob moaned, “Dinah, fight the temptation.  We have talked a lot about this.”

Dinah said, “Not about that!  That would be like making love to a horse!  Okay, I’ll call Jochebed and see if we can’t get my hubby to look like that.”

D.A. Jennings said, “I will admit, while we fast forward a bit.  My wife might be interested too.  I can’t believe that is real, but then I have seen some porn films in court, and you could get a job with them easily.  But let’s limit the comments to evidence.  How far do we fast forward?”

Georges said, “About an hour and forty minutes.  I was still going, but she was exhausted.  She starts blabbering everything she knows about everything, and I had to slow her down and focus on what we needed.  And before anyone asks, the male enhancement potion also provides stamina, if your heart can take it.  Frankly, now that Jochebed is pregnant, I want to get back to normal.  I’ve been wearing baggy pants and urinating in the stall, so no one notices at work.”

Dinah said, “Oh, Georges, just a peek!”

D.A. Jennings spluttered, “Can we be professionals here?”

Dinah said, “I will have you know that I have the highest security clearances in the world.”

Jim said, “And I cannot believe that our country is still in one piece since you have been working for the past, umm, twenty years.”

Dinah laughed, “Jim, I would jump all over you for your complimentary mathematics, but your wife is right there.”

Jacob asked, “Dinah, do you need to take a cold shower or three?”

Dinah kissed him, “No, Mr. wet blanket.  This is the best porn film that I have seen in a long time, and it is awakening feelings.  When this meeting is over and everyone leaves, Jacob, you and I will have some afternoon delight.  After what I have seen, it might be disappointing, but I have to get rid of some energy.”

I asked, “Are we to the evidence part?  This film is hard for anyone to watch, even without Dinah’s comments.”

Georges said, “We are there.”

Jazz: Okay, you want me to slow down, but that was the best that I have ever had.  I will tell you anything.
Georges: But we don’t need to know how Ambrosia was a Hippie and she taught you and Juici all about sex.  Focus on Tony.
Jazz:  Only if you use my name for him.
Georges: Okay, what do you know about his partnership with Stan Smith?  What did you tell Teenie Weenie the last time he was here.  How much of that was true?  And if we are about to raid another empty warehouse, where is the stuff really kept?
Jazz: I am true to my word.  You get it all …

To shorten her ramblings, and sidetracks about the prowess of Georges, I will summarize.

Lt. Teenie Weenie and Stan Smith have been talking about a gang war ever since Jemima overheard a conversation at a restaurant on the county line.  Both Stan and Tony were angry at me for thwarting the plan and preventing the gang war.  They took a while to get their partnership arranged.  Tracy is bigger, with a bigger operation, but Stan was sticking his neck out as far as Teenie Weenie was.  She knew the names of their relatives and what banks.  Teenie Weenie gave her a debit card and limited how much she could take each month.  So, she was financially involved in this partnership.  She would want immunity.  And no, she slept with Stan once, just for fun, but his lady was Bok Choy, but Jazz never met her.  She identified a few of the connections on the unconnected capers that Tuesday had mentioned.

She provided everything she had told Tony, but if they wanted to hit the real warehouse or hideout, add one block to it.  That means go either one block further north or east.  Once Georges pinpointed each location on his phone, she confirmed which warehouses and where there were blind spots in the security cameras.  She said how Empire would look out the window while the police raided the empty warehouse across the street.  He had gotten a lot of laughs over that.

In passing, she mentioned that Empire had not decided if he even wanted another wife.  Belle de Boskoop, having experience in the Amsterdam red light district, she was the best choice to run the brothel.  They would need to re-staff after the “Stacked like Cordwood” incident.  But as for Empire, he used the other ladies as a harem, to which Jazz characterized the activity as disgusting.  Odd, how Empire was disgusting, but Jazz’s activities were justified.

The big news was that the next caper was to have tons of evidence of a Leafy Greens intrusion when Ambrosia was found dead in her bed.  And since Jazz had a soft spot for Ambrosia, that was her true motive in telling all.  She would love to have all the jury in her bed, but she understood that was not feasible.  As long as she got pregnant.  She visited the Snazzy Taz a lot, and she really wanted to sleep with Emmett Dalton.  She knew he was a teenager, but she could make him a real man.

Then, Georges tells her that he will not let her turn Emmett Dalton into a real man.  He was just a teenager and Sophie would kill her if she tried.  Jazz is afraid of Sophie.  So, Georges changed the subject to the other band members.  She settled on the upright bass and the drummer.  A text a couple of days later, and it was confirmed that the drummer had moved in with her.  She moves fast.

But so did the investigation.  We went to Tony’s house to make the arrest and found him in the garage.  He had closed the door and cranked the car while his wife was at an all-day party.  The suicide note said that he finally put two and two together.  He had not done it for an increase in his cut, but he wanted that semblance of less crime with a strong organized crime syndicate like when Red Delicious was in charge in Tracy and Turnip Greens was a lot younger.  He was hoping to become Commissioner from the media coverage of a drop in crime statistics.  They were going to meld the two syndicates with whoever survived the war and call it the Apple Salad Gang.  Stan and Tony would be silent partners.

Stan ran for it, but he didn’t know that Tuesday had surveillance on Bok Choy.  He wanted to take her with him, and he eventually surrendered to Tuesday.  She is now the only Undersheriff of Detectives, with the only other undersheriff being in charge of the deputies.  It was thought that if this news was during an election year, they would have made Tuesday the sheriff.  The sheriff had given Stan a lot of freedom and this happened under his nose.  He looked bad, but if Tuesday helps him clean up this mess, he might be able to save face and run for reelection.  I don’t think Tuesday wants to be the sheriff.

As for the big city of Tracy, there was no one in position to take over Organized Crime, so Georges came back to our precinct.  We gave him a private office, since interrogation room #1 was not remodeled after I moved to the lieutenant’s office.  Yep, even with a stack of banker boxes in the corner instead of a filing cabinet.  He would focus on organized crime and work for me.  Yay!  Now I have to deal with Empire Apple directly on occasion.

Credits

The statistics are mixed on whether a strong organized crime organization decreases overall crime or not.  On the positive side, a petty thief, pimp, or confidence man might choose a different town in fear of what the organized crime syndicate might do to them.  But with fear of organized crime reprisal, fewer crimes are reported, and it just looks like crime is reduced.  Thus, everyday crime might seem to go down.  The bad side is an overall increase in drug trafficking, human trafficking, cybercrime, gang violence if no clear single organization is in charge, undermining of free enterprise and local governments, and degradation of a style of life through union involvement and influence of local government officials.  This being a summary of what Google AI had to say in their AI summary of several articles.