Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I am Mashie Niblick.  I am presently employed as the greenskeeper of the Hoity Toity Golf Club in the big city of Tracy. Pauline was on maternity leave, but she was about to go back to work, starting next week.

Most days, I dropped Baffy off at Lily the Pink.  Ibie is staying with Pink Lady while Callie and Poached are in the Everglades.  She was moody if her little buddy did not visit during the day, but a little birdie had told me that Ibie was going to get a couple of very tanned visitors this morning.  We decided to let Baffy stay with her Mommie today.  And if you are wondering, Baffing Spoon “Baffy” Niblick is a little over two years old, born on January the first.  And our newborn is St. Andrews “Andrew” Niblick.  If we decide to have more children, we are thinking of Troon and Turnberry, you know, Scottish golf courses.  With our parttime jobs taking us around the world, we’ve played those three courses.  We want to try Carnoustie if we make it back that direction.

This is a third-person story.  I only have Pauline’s report to go on.  The things Baffy said made no sense at all.  And a little boy, about six-weeks-old wasn’t talking.  I’m liking Andrew already, the strong silent type … until he is hungry or needs a diaper changed, but even then, he has a soft crying voice, at least for now.

Pauline wrapped her throw around her and started to feed Andrew.  She thought if he got a full tummy, he might have a long nap.

Pauline asked, “Baffy, have you made any more miscoveries?  Any more gurglezoid fizzles?”

Baffy frowned, “Nope, we might not find any.  Gurglezoids lived in arib Kai-mitts.”

Pauline asked, “Arab Kai-mitts, I mean climates?”

Baffy nodded, “You know, hot, dry, lots of sand.”

Pauline moaned, “That doesn’t help much. …  Could you mean arid?”

Baffy squealed, “That’s what I said!”

Pauline asked, “Who taught you about arid climates?”

Baffy replied, “Docker Callie!  Who else?!  She sigh-us-did the fizzle and said that we found it in the sand, because gurglezoids lived where there was a lot of sand.  So, Ibie and me dug up the sandbox at Jochebed’s place.  And then we went to the big sandbox.”

Pauline groaned, “Oh, no.  You did not dig up the big sandbox, did you?”

Baffy protested, “Aunt Jemima was with us!  We were not hurting anything.  But, Aunt Zuzka came up and told us to go to the other sandbox.  They were gonna play voppyball.  She was ‘fraid someone might get a hurt foot.  And why go to the other sandbox?  No fizzles there!”

Pauline nodded.  She had worked with some of the beach volleyball ladies at Lily the Pink.  When you have twisted an ankle or sprained something due to landing a bit awkwardly and not feeling comfortable on an uneven “sandbox,” you start questioning the reliability of the sandbox.  But ever since they found a chicken bone in the sandbox next to early child development at T.R.U.S.T. those two little girls have been obsessed over gurglezoid fizzles, umm, fossils.  Yeah, those two were early talkers and they are smarter than the average child their ages, but that just means they get into more mischief.  I know why Jochebed, who runs the nursery at Lily the Pink, put them together.  Callie and Poached have been gone for a little over six weeks, and Jochebed wanted Ibie’s best friend around.  But putting those two together can be a handful.

Baffy was putting some colorful practice golf balls, like golf ball sized whiffle balls, on the side table next to the lamp.  The balls usually rolled against the lamp, but one ball missed the lamp and rolled onto the floor behind the side table and behind my comfy chair.

Pauline said, “Be careful, Baffy, I haven’t cleaned back there in a while.  Get the ball, but then go wash your hands and the ball.”

Baffy emerged, holding a little black dot.  “Mommy, What’s its?”

Pauline gasped, “Oh, Baffy, that’s a bug, put in on the table.  And then go wash your hands.”

“What kind of bug, Mommy?  A Croach bug or a spy-er bug?”

Pauline asked, “Where did you get ‘croach’?”

“Uncle Jacob, where else?  He teaches me all kinds of words.”

Pauline groaned, “Oh, dear, Jacob and I have to have a talk.  But to answer your question, you found a special kind of bug, and you saying spy-er instead of spider is a perfect name for it.  That’s a bug that is put in someone’s house to spy on them.  I need to call Uncle Jacob.  You go wash your hands and practice your ‘D’ sound, Dah, Dah, Dah.”

Baffy ran to the bathroom yelling, “Duh, Duh, Duh!”

While Pauline tried Jacob’s landline, no one answered.  She then tried Jacob’s cellphone, and he did not answer.  That was strange, so she tried it again.

Dinah answered, “Oh, ummm, Pauline, umph, oh, ummm, hello, ummm.”

Pauline asked, about the time that Baffy returned to the living room, “Why are you answering Jacob’s cellphone?”

Dinah giggling, “Ummm, oh, he has, ummm, his hands, oh, ummm, full, very full, ummm.”

Pauline asked, “Full of what?”

Dinah still giggling, “Me silly, ummm, oh, I’m riding a, oh, wild stallion, and Jacob, ummm, is the stallion.”

Pauline thought she might have to wash to phone after this.  “Dinah, that’s disgusting!  I need some Hugh McAdoo help.  I have a bug.”

Suddenly Jacob was on the phone.  “Is this a croach or a beagle?”

Pauline groaned, “Jacob, teach my daughter the proper names.  It is not a cockroach.  It is not a beetle.  It is manmade.  I like Baffy’s word.  It’s a Spy-er bug.  Do you have someone who can do a scan?”

Jacob laughed, “I’ll send over Elroy.  He has the equipment here.  Even though they caught Smith and Tagliolini offed himself, Elroy decided to stay for just such emergencies.  Oh, Dinah, you are a magician!”

It finally dawned on Pauline that Jacob and Dinah got some of Jochebed’s witchdoctor potion.  From what she had learned, they might be at their bedroom gymnastics for a couple of hours.  Pauline was wondering if Elroy knew CPR, you know, if Jacob’s heart can’t take it.  Then Elroy burst into the room.

Pauline asked, “Elroy, do you knock?”

Elroy said, “Sorry, I heard emergency.  I picked the lock with my electronic gadget.  I did not damage your door.  What is the problem?”

Pauline pointed to the bug on the table.  “Baffy found it on the floor behind this chair.  There may be more.  Determine what kind of a bug it is and scan the house for other ones.  I don’t know if the scanner is selective, but we do have a nanny cam system.”

Elroy laughed, “It can tell me what is transmitting by WiFi.  Then I can rule out your router and nanny cam system.  But I will check those carefully.  Someone could piggyback so that I might carelessly disregard those known sources, but I am not careless.”

Baffy squealed, “Elroy!  Big hug!”

Elroy picked up Baffy and spun her around.  She started laughing.

Pauline asked, “Elroy, do you not have a family of your own?”

Elroy shrugged, “I’m always on the road doing security details.  Never stayed in one spot very long.”

Pauline said, “The Levy’s won’t need you tonight.  There is a meeting of the Rogue’s Gallery tonight at Lily the Pink.  They’ll be there, and Mashie and I will be there also.  While we are having our meeting, I will have someone introduce you to a few of the ladies.  Sorry that I am being vague.  To be honest, I have no one in mind, and I have no idea who will be working security during the meeting.  I will call Missy, and we can set something up.  Maybe a few that are about your age.”

Elroy mused, “First date of the year.  Wait!  It’s already next year!  I missed an entire year?!”

Elroy milked his time away from the Levys a bit.  Baffy followed him everywhere he went and asked him every conceivable question about what he was doing.

When he returned, he said, “The bug Baffy found is one of ours.  It is not active.  Maybe Mashie dropped it.  Knowing Jacob Levy, he might have dropped it.  There are no other bugs in the house.  And I haven’t seen the new arrival.  Where is he?”

Pauline pulled him out from underneath her wrap.  “He is a typical man.  He took forever to have his meal.  He was playing with the merchandise most of the time.  Would you like to burp him?”

Elroy looked a little hesitant.  “Sure, but you’ll have to guide me through it.”  Pauline put a burp rag on Elroy’s shoulder and showed him what to do.  In less than a minute, Andrew had burped, and with that Andrew was almost out for the count.  Pauline put him in his crib.

Elroy asked if he could do anything else.  Pauline thought he wanted to kill the two hours until Dinah and Jacob were too exhausted to continue.  So, Pauline became a matchmaker.  She asked him what he looked for in a woman.  What his interests were.  Whatever popped into her head.  She knew that Missy could find a very close match, but would that match being interested in dating?  So many of the old prostitutes at Lily the Pink, had no interest in dating.  They were done with men.  Pink Lady paid them well and their life was secure.

I called Missy and gave her the particulars.  Missy asked, “Is Elroy tall?”

“About six feet, not really tall,” I replied.

Missy sighed, “I think that will be tall enough.  His interests match someone that is a bit depressed right now.  Irusya is the last of the four Latvian ladies to find a boyfriend.  Stasya has already had a baby.  Zuzka is pregnant.  Rota is engaged, but no date is set.  And Irusya has had one bad experience after another.  Somehow, this feels right.  By the way, is his name really Elroy?”

Pauline snickered, “Of course not!”

With Elroy on his way back to the Levy’s abode with his thoughts on his first date in over a year would be with an average height Latvian woman named Irusya, Pauline asked Baffy what she wanted for supper.

Baffy said, “I was listening to Aunt Dinah make all those yummy sounds over the phone.  Can I have what she had?”

Pauline’s heart stopped.  She counted to three before it started back, and it was racing at a minimum of 200 beats per minute.  Pauline had to think and think fast.

Pauline shook her head, “No, Baffy.  Jacob and Dinah are Jewish, and they must eat nothing but Kosher food.  I’m sorry, but you cannot have what Dinah was eating.”

Baffy whined, “But from how she talked, it sounded so yummy.”

Pauline changed gears, “I tell you what.  Since you are hungry, let’s have an ice cream bar.  I have some of those orange and vanilla bars in the freezer.  But you get yours in a bowl.  You take so long, it becomes a mess before you are done.”

Pauline thought to herself. ‘I am a bad Mommy.  I averted one disaster with giving my child a treat that will spoil her appetite.  I hope Mashie was not thinking about those kosher hot dogs in the fridge.  Never mind, one crisis at a time.  Besides, I feel like eating two of those ice cream bars about now.’

Credits

The Perils of Pauline was a movie serial started in 1914. It defined many serials that followed, including the Perils of Pauline “moment,” the cliffhanger that caused you to return to the theater for the next installment.

And “Elroy” is a shout out to the cartoon show, The Jetsons.  If you are old enough, you can remember the theme song, “… His boy, Elroy, daughter, Judy, Jane, his wife.” …  Have you not wondered what ever happened to the kids?  Am I the only one?

And we have had those “bad mom or dad” moments.  It is funny how everyone puts the phone on speaker these days.  Then, again, Pauline had her hands full with a six-week-old baby boy.

And since Tracy has become the retirement location for GrandPa, Dinah and Jacob Levy, and Mashie Niblick, and both Mashie and Pauline still do contract work for the organization, why not keep someone around for security reasons.  Besides, they have still not found a replacement for Jacob Levy.  He is still technically Hugh McAdoo.  So, you might see Elroy again.