Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

This story does not have me in it.  Missy said that my overnight report would include an incident report written by her.  She said it was information that I needed to know, but she said I might find the report amusing.  No harm done, except to a songbird.

Since Missy’s daughter is our resident “songbird”, I got concerned.  But I doubt Missy would call the incident amusing if her daughter was hurt.  I forgot the rest of the night’s reports, and I went to the incident report.

This is Missy MacDougall.  I was sitting in on the Rogue’s Scholars from the Rogue’s Gallery meeting when someone called me from the operations control room.  It was Norene Moore, aka No More.  That was strange in that she was the cider operations manager, not a control room supervisor.  No More had said, “no more” to the shift work a year or two ago.

No More said, “Before you ask, we had someone call in sick, and the shift relief supervisor had already worked both graveyards and the day shift.  I get off in a couple of hours, but since your people are on patrol in far corners of this place, I got a call from Pink Pearl.  She was burning the midnight oil and when she looked at the Big House before getting in her car, she said she saw people up there, on the maintenance platform.  It looks like two people are lounging in our lounge chairs that we keep up there for parties.  Unless someone dropped in by helicopter or parachute, it is probably a couple of employees.”

I was in the conference center.  It took no time at all reaching the elevator.

There were indeed two people lounging in lounge chairs in the dark, looking at the starry sky.  Not a cloud anywhere.

They were pretty much lying flat on their backs on the loungers.  The guy was pointing out the constellations.  “You know Orion, but that is Gemini, and then Cancer is right about the horizon, so you only see a couple of stars in the urban wash, but this is a great vantage point, few streetlights, and we are high up.  That cross there is Cygnus, and there is Pegasus, and the W, as you call it, is Cassiopeia.”

The woman said, “You are so smart.  All I can ever remember is Orion, the dippers, and the W.”

I interrupted, “Excuse me.  You are on private property.  If you are not an employee, I will have to ask you to leave.”

Irusya said, “Oh, hi, Missy.  The control room operator said that I could stay up here for the rest of the shift, since I have my boyfriend shadowing me tonight.  I work climate control, and if we have an upset, it is usually up here.  We had one, and I was a bit traumatized.”

I asked, “Oh!  How were you traumatized?”

Irusya said, “Yes, the vent to exhaust hot air was not closing.  I came up to check it out.  Don’t worry, I tied off.  I did a proper lockout.  And when I saw what had happened, I cried.  A bird, maybe a female cardinal, hard to tell from what was left.  Anyway, it was probably enjoying the warm air and when the vent closed, it crushed the bird, but the vent got stuck and I came up to clear the alarm.  I think we need a way to warn the birds so they’ll fly off.  We have screens so that they cannot get inside the Crystal Mountain, but that subjects them to a guillotine, sort of.”

I said, “I will bring that up at the next managers meeting.  We are on the edge of the rich part of town, so we don’t want a loud bell or horn. Maybe we can ask Dr. Callie for some advice.  But now, sir, you have not identified yourself.”

The man said, “But Missy, I am hurt that you don’t remember me.”

I replied, “Sir, I have never met you.”

The man groaned, “Maybe not, but we talk on the phone.  We are kind of in the same business.”

I replied, “Good, when I throw you off the roof, you can call for backup on your way down.  Now, Identify yourself.”

He sighed, “I’m Elroy!  I’m security for the Niblicks and the Levys, and they are all downstairs at the meeting, where you ought to be.  Since I came with them and Irusya has been working her shift, I asked if I could shadow her.  You know, this will be our third date, if you can call it that.  With my schedule and hers, we have so little free time for dating.  That might be why her other attempts at romance failed.  They either did not believe her schedule, or they didn’t want to take the effort.  I took the effort.”

Irusya added, “He just flew back from DC.  This idiot man told them that he had a love interest in Tracy, and he wanted his permanent residence changed to here.  We go on two dates, and he make this his permanent residence!  The man either love me or he crazy!”

I asked, “Elroy, can I see some kind of ID?  Irusya may know who you are, but I am curious.”

Elroy got up and walked over.  I had one hand on my taser.  Being in security himself, he noticed.  He smiled.  He held his wallet between his index and middle fingers.  He placed it on the edge of the BBQ grill that Blake Williams had built for Mommie Pinkie.  He then backed away and sat in the lounger with his hands raised.

I flipped the wallet open and saw a Maryland driver’s license that had to be a phony.  “James Bo…  This is a fake if I ever saw one.”

Elroy groaned, “Pull that little section out and flip it.  When I return to DC, I am James Bond.  As a joke, I have to order a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.  In the novels, vodka beats out gin 19 to 16, and many claim his drink of choice was a Vesper martini, gin, vodka, and Kina Lillet, but he only ordered that once.  Shaking the drink instead of stirring aerates the drink, it makes it colder, and it dilutes the alcohol a little more than stirring.  I must keep my wits about me, especially in DC.  On the flip side of that section is my Tracy driver’s license.”

I flipped the ID carrier over.  “This side is even more cartoonish.  Do you have a real name?”

Elroy said, “Both of those IDs are legitimate, just like the husband of Pauline Niblick is Mashie Niblick.  When you see Mashie the next time, ask him what name is on his birth certificate, and I doubt if he remembers.  I am truly ‘His Boy Elroy’ probably for good, since I gave them an ultimatum back in DC.”

“An ultimatum?” I asked.

Irusya nodded, “Yes, this crazy man had two dates with me, and he went to DC to give them an ultimatum that he would be permanent security in the big city of Tracy for the Levys, the Niblicks, and Millennium and Gwen.  If any of them are arrested, he represents them in as much as he privately interviews them to ensure no secrets will be extracted if they are questioned in court.  He has the authorization to claim special privilege so that the court case is blocked from public view in case the opposing lawyers ask questions about the federal secrets that they have.  Lawyers from DC are brought in.  Not bad for a computer nerd.  But he is crazy.  What if the two of us are found to be incompatible?”

I turned to the son of George Jetson and said, “I hope they gave you a pay raise.”

He wiggled his eyebrows, “It may be my last, but it was a big one.  The problem is that I need to live near both the Levys and the Niblicks and Millennium Yeggs and Millennium lives here.  And at those two cul-de-sacs for my other people, there are no houses on the market.  Physical security is still number one, to keep those six people safe, but it becomes a nightmare if one of them is framed for a crime.”

I snickered, “Lt. Deviled Yeggs has seen right through a number of frames in the past.  You may have gotten a whopping pay raise that gives you responsibilities that you may not need.”

Elroy snickered, “You used the word ‘may’ twice in that last sentence.  That is why I was promoted, for the maybes of life.  But to make it seem like I am an ordinary person, I need a job that can be a cover.”

I laughed, “You say you are a computer nerd?”

Elroy smiled, “Irusya, the love of my life, said that to correct you slightly, but yes, my undergraduate degree is in computer science, specializing in cyber security.  Then every assignment since then has been heavy in physical security after I make sure the net is secure.”

I winked, “Elroy, I may have your cover and a short-term home until you find or build the perfect home somewhere else.”

Elroy asked, “How can you provide that?  You are head of security here.  What is the job?”

I smiled, “Ever since I took over from Cassie Beech Yeggs, the mayor’s wife, I have been saddled with an irritating stepson of Mommie Pinkie’s who half knows enough to be dangerous regarding cyber security.  If I fire him, he’s still a stepson.  He is still a homicide detective in the big city of Tracy.  He is still a parttime employee and fulltime landlord for a security firm here in Tracy.”

Elroy asked, “Are you talking about Poached Yeggs?”

I nodded, “Yes, Poached works for me when we have a known issue, but I want to know before we have a known issue.  Poached knows a lot about the dark web, but not enough.  I can leave him on as a consultant for a good turnover from him to you and it gives you information from the police side of things if that becomes helpful for you.  As an employee, you can commute from the Levy guest room, or I can get Irusya’s friend Rota to line you up with an apartment here.  And before you ask, you cannot move in with Irusya.”

Elroy said, “Rats!  Not ever?!”

Irusya said, “Marriage first.  Then we move in together.  Not before. And if you propose right now, I say no.  I not know you that well.”

I snickered, “That seems to sum it up.  And Elroy, Irusya was dumped a few times because of her strange work schedule.  She is as true blue as they come.  She is a good friend.  She will not dump you unless she finds you being unfaithful to her, or you have some deep dark secret that is a deal breaker.  If you are working here, you can fit in more time for the two of you to get to know each other.  If you are working with computer security, you will have access to her schedule.  To view, not mess with.  And the great thing is that I can hire you right now, since you will work for me.  But this thing you are doing right now is a pre-employment tour by Irusya.  I am not paying for any star gazing.  Now what were you two doing when I interrupted other than looking at the stars?”

Irusya moaned, “I was delaying doing my personal confession, what brought me here to Lily the Pink.”

I said, “Hold that thought.”  I got on the phone and called No More.  “No More, all is secure on the roof.  Irusya was giving a potential new employee a tour, and they sat down to look at the stars.  Up above the Crystal Mountain, the light pollution is a lot less.  It looks great up here tonight.  I will submit a full report to Mommie Pinkie tomorrow.  Good night.”

I turned to Irusya and Elroy.  “If I have both of your back stories, especially your romance experiences in my report, it will save time when Pink Lady gives you the romantic couple pep talk.”

Elroy said, “I already told Irusya my story.  I asked 20-30 girls out in high school and never got anyone to say they would go with me.  In college, I had a really cute girl lead me on.  She said that once she had that new bracelet or ring, she would show me how appreciative she was, but she never let me get to second base.  Then I found out she was cheating on me with a football player, about the same time my bank account was drained.  I swore off women, and I have been working security ever since.  My closest thing to success in the bedroom is keeping Dinah Levy from propositioning me.”

I was shocked, “She hasn’t successfully propositioned you!?”

Elroy groaned, “She has tried, but I interrupt her with fake phone calls or fake security breaches.”

Irusya and I both laughed at that.  We could picture it.  Dinah was a sweet lady, but a little messed up.

Irusya said, “Now me, I deserve all the misfortune I receive.”

I corrected her, “As a true believer in Jesus, your sins are forgiven, Irusya.”

Irusya nodded, “But every blessing that I have now stems from the condition I was in as slave to Baldwyn Apple.  I was there when he bought me.  I saw the money exchange.  But my sin start when I was thirteen.  My sister was sixteen.  My parents say she was pretty one and I was smart one.  I wanted to both be smart and pretty.  And before you say that I am, darling Elroy, I hear only that I smart.  I think now, my sister was not smart, and my mother thought I would know that I was pretty, but I tried too hard to be grown up girl who was attractive to boys.  My sister have no moral code.  She have three boyfriends.  She sleep with all three.  I go to her room and hide in shadows.  She bring a boy in and they start necking.  Then my sister see me.  She willing to pay me to leave.  I refuse.  She say if I stay, I have to remove clothes if she remove clothes.  In defiance, I take off my blouse.  At first, all I do is watch.  But after a couple of times in room with each of three boyfriends, the boys ask if I want to touch.  I do more than touch.  I want my sister to know that I can get the boy excited for me.  She not let me go all the way.  But then, one boy come on day with other boy already in sister’s room.  I took the boy to my room in the attic.  We do all things sister did, and maybe better.  Each boy end up having me one night each week and my sister one night each week.  By then, the boys know about other boys, but they not care.  I finish school early, and I go to college.  We go to convention in Oslo, Norway to give a paper.  I volunteer to sleep with judges to get a good rating.  When I leave the judge’s hotel room, man stop me and put smelling handkerchief on my mouth and nose.  I wake up in shipping container.  When container open, I see Baldwyn Apple giving money to buy me.  I work for Baldwyn, and I work for Pink Lady in cider operation.  I volunteer to switch to climate control after we install the Crystal Mountain and the carbon recovery systems.  I work with Dr. Kildare at the university.  I have secret.  He and Mags, Naomi’s old school friend, have kissed in areas that are not designated make out spots.  But it is always the polite kisses.  Dr. Kildare is not ready after his wife died.  Now you know all about me.  I have been here about ten years, a little longer than Zuzka.”

At that moment, the elevator door opened.  It was the Niblicks and the Levys.

Mashie said, “Missy, you missed the part about homework assignments.  We gave them all to you since you left early.”

Pauline laughed, “Don’t listen to him.  There are no homework assignments.  We kind of had difficulty reaching a consensus.  We have no idea what our next issue will be to discuss.”

I asked, “Mashie, what is the name on your birth certificate?”

Mashie shrugged, “I forget, I’ll have to check and get back to you.”

Irusya laughed and Elroy said, “Told ya!”

Dinah said, “We heard that Elroy was up here, and he is our ride home.”

Elroy came forward, “Mom, Dad, or those who are closer to me than my parents, I would like to introduce you to Irusya.  This was our third date.  She is the reason I asked for the big assignment here.  We do not know each other that well, but I did not want a change in assignments to ruin my chances again.  Irusya thinks I am crazy, but I think we have something in common.  It is hard for both of us to find an opening in our schedules.  That is a difficulty, but it is one thing we have in common.  And I personally want it to work. … Oh, and Missy may be my new boss!  You know, a cover for me being here, cyber security at Lily the Pink.  I can’t keep staying in your guest room, unless you really adopt your boy, Elroy.”

Dinah turned to Jacob.  “Sweetie, if we adopt Elroy, would that make him Jewish?”

Jacob moaned, “Dinah, if your next question has anything to do with circumcision, I vote ‘no’ on the adoption.  I’m not even going to ask him if that is already taken care of.”

Credits

Elroy Jetson is the son of George Jetson from the cartoon show, The Jetsons.

James Bond is the fictional detective created by Ian Fleming, and there have been a few authors that have written for the series since Ian Fleming’s death.  And the vodka martini, shaken not stirred, stats are from a consensus of a few websites.  I have not read every James Bond novel, and I never counted the types of martinis.  So, I am taking their word for it.