Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

I got an invitation by personal courier.  Black Twig Apple appeared at my office door.  Even though he was simply Honeycrisp Apple’s chauffeur, Missy and Julia were both escorting him into the office.  Other than the ones who already lived at Lily the Pink, Black Twig was probably the first Apple to cross the threshold of this house ever since we were emancipated.

I smiled, “Twig!  It is wonderful seeing you again.  Come in and sit down.”  I turned to Missy and Julia, “Thank you for following protocol, but Black Twig Apple was my Uncle Delly’s chauffeur, and he has been driving Honeycrisp ever since she made a clean break from the criminal activity.  I will be fine.”

Julia left and Missy assumed her position, leaning against the wall, acting like she was not interested in anything being said.  I shook my head.

I turned to Black Twig, “What brings you here?”

Black Twig bowed his head, “Madam, oh, I mean no offense calling you madam.  I mean it as a title of honor, not as a supervisor of prostitution.  I am so sorry…”

I laughed, “Twig, most people here call me Mommie Pinkie.  I am young enough to be your daughter, but Pinkie or Mommie Pinkie is fine.  You used to make washing the car the most fun activity we ever had.  I still remember those times.  Uncle Delly would tell us to tone it down.  He couldn’t be mean to his lieutenants and give them the riot act while he was laughing at the two of us washing each other more than we washed the car.”

Black Twig nodded, “I may be family, but I am still a servant.  Mommie Pinkie, Ms. Honeycrisp would like your presence for a family reunion.  No one involved in illegal activity is allowed.  She wants you, your husband, your six children, their spouses and children – those that have them.  She wants Millennium and Gwen and their four children.  She wants Ashmead with Genevieve and Pink Pearl.  That is the extent of family here, working here, or visiting here.  I know that you will have to check with everyone since many work for other people, but the reunion will be Saturday afternoon.”  He handed me a stack of personal invitations.  Each of our names were printed on the envelopes by Honeycrisp’s hand.

I asked, “Twig, who else will be there?”

Black Twig smiled, “Ms. Honeycrisp, Ms. Ambrosia, Ms. Juici, Ms. Jazz.  Those are the four that run the Orchard.  Cosmic Crisp Apple, Foxwhelp Apple and Old Fashioned Horse Apple will probably be there to dine.  I think Jazz’ little drummer boy will be there too, if he isn’t needed at the Snazzy Taz.  He is excited to meet the family.  This lady behind me who is acting like she is not paying attention is one of the few the little drummer boy has ever met.”

I winked, “As usual, you know more than you are supposed to know.”

Black Twig bowed, “And I have forgotten more untold secrets than most folks could ever know.”

I snickered, “Yes, you have.  Anyone else?”

Black Twig smiled, “Oh, yes, Mommie Pinkie.  Shingo Pear and Mr. Pear will be there.  Mollie Orlowski and her two daughters will be there, along with their families.  And Ms. Orlowski’s lifelong friend, Edith Clancy.  It’s a reunion, but there are other reasons to celebrate.  Ms. Honeycrisp has taken the liberty of asking your bakery for some baked goods, and she has heard that there are two young couples who are quite skilled at cooking for a large crowd.  They will be well paid, but she wants the Drivers and the ver Waarloosds to come early to prepare the food that she has already purchased.  They can eat in the kitchen.  Cosmic Crisp will have some of his tree pruning crew to serve everyone.”

I cleared my throat, “With you there and the cooks from here, you’ll have over fifty.  This is a big party.  I cannot speak for Sally Mae Driver.  She delivered a baby just last month.  This may be hard for her, and she may not want to put the baby in the nursery.”

Black Twig nodded, “Honeycrisp was aware of that.  If you wish to add someone from your nursery staff, I have invitations for that eventuality and for the bus driver.  I am sure the people coming from here will be coming by bus, although the cooks and maybe the nursery person will come earlier.  Each of them will be afforded a plus one.  If Jochebed is your nursery choice, it may be awkward, but Jazz wants to meet her especially.  And Detective Evident knows his way around the Orchard.  As for your bus driver, I hear that Fannie Packer has her CDL and is also referred to as Grannie Fannie among your little ones, but I am unaware of a male interest.”

I faked shock, “Oh! Is there really something that you do not know?”  I laughed.  “She is unattached, possibly reluctantly unattached, but she loves the little ones.  If they spend the afternoon in the Orchard, she will be blue without them.  She will enjoy being the driver, I am sure.”

That Saturday, we could not leave until barely the right time to get there.  Thus, we were late.  The hold up was that Scrambled and Otto could not even get ready in their party going attire until Mabel got back from the Orchard.  She was very secretive as to what she had prepared for the reunion.  When we ate the lavish meal that the Drivers had fixed, there was nothing from the bakery other than Thomas ver Waarloosd hard rolls.  But with the surf out of the way, we were wondering what TomCat ver Waarloosd would have for the turf at the supper meal.

I had wormed a couple of extra invitations out of Honeycrisp for Missy and Angus to help with security, especially since the mayor and Cassie would be there.  Besides, it gave two old friends, Cassie and Missy a chance to catch up.  Cassie has been taking her role as first lady of Tracy to heart.  I think she had this night open on her calendar because Honeycrisp gave her a heads up weeks in advance.  Since this party was fifty named guests, most of voting age, and a lot of unnamed people in attendance, also of voting age, Boaz ran it by his people as a political opportunity and the assurance that no criminal element would be in attendance helped his advisors say that visiting a couple of old maiden aunts wasn’t against the rules.  I was worried that they would not have a room big enough, but they served the meal in the barn.  We strolled from the barn up to the house when we finished the meal.

I had not seen Mollie Orlowski since I was single digit in age.  I had never seen her children, Celia and Delia.  Celia Martin had two grown children, the boy was married, and the girl had just started college.  I had no idea that Detective Sergeant Nick the Pick Poquette was married to Delia, Mollie’s younger daughter.  And here they show up with six little girls: 16, 14, 12, 10, 8, and 6.  Delia said that Nick wanted a boy, but after six girls, she put a stop to the madness.

The guys went off to a billiard room to talk.  That left most of us ladies in the den.  I sat between Honeycrisp and Ambrosia.  Mollie, Edith and Celia were with us for a while.  Gwen and GrandPa hung out with Ash and Vieve.  Grannie Fannie, Callie, and Delia and Nick were out on the deck playing with the older children.  Missy and Cassie were off catching up, just the two of them, very much unlike Cassie of late.  She was the “pressing the flesh” person more than Boaz.  Boaz had become a city councilman by his lowkey approach.  He was initially named mayor due to being the only one not in jail.  Then, he was officially elected on a cleaning up the city campaign.  That’s why it took some politics to approve him coming to what had been organized crime headquarters.  Jochebed had a crowd: Joon, Thanh, Asha, Catalina, Levi, Pink Sparkle and Ellie Kay Driver (named after Dr. Ellie, and Kay instead of Mae to avoid the old television show reference).  Reuben, Samantha, Valin, Scarlett Ibis and Kanok were determined to keep up with the Poquette girls, but they tired quickly and joined the others in the nursery.  Since Sally Mae’s cooking was done, she helped Jochebed.  Celia’s older children all helped Jochebed also.

Mollie said, “I never knew Guinevere was a twin.  With Vere passed on, it is spooky seeing Vieve with your Dad.”

I nodded, “When Pink Pearl walked into my office and called me ‘Mom’ I nearly had a cow.  I thought I would have remembered if I had given birth to her, but it was like looking in a mirror and seeing me, ummm, twenty years younger than I am.”

The others laughed at my quick, and poor, math.

I asked, “Where is Pearl, anyway?”

Ambrosia said, “I think Juici and Jazz were taking her on a tour of the orchard.  Too bad, the blossom season is nearing its end.  The orchard was breath-taking a few weeks ago.”

I turned to Honeycrisp, “Are you still seeing Mr. Pear on occasion?”

Honeycrisp smiled, “Yes, he has a cabin in the woods just like my brother does, but he only uses it for hunting and fishing and visiting with me.  When you reach menopause, at least some of us, your libido slows way down or even stops.  When Mr. Pear and I visit, we hug a lot and talk.  Ambrosia?  Forget it.  She is still going strong.  That is why Foxwhelp Apple and Old Fashioned Horse Apple were at the party.  Those are her latest two flames.  She alternates.  She found if you go with these youngsters, they finish their business too quickly.  The older guys, if their heart can take it, have staying power.”

Ambrosia groaned, “That’s not it, Honey, it takes them that long to finish what they started.  Fine with me, as long as I am the one that they started.”

Honeycrisp whispered, a stage whisper, “Thank you for all those books you have sent me lately, but I think they were a waste on Ambrosia.  She’s hopeless.”

Ambrosia said, “I heard that, and I am hopelessly having fun.”

We laughed and shook our heads, but I was silently praying for both of them.  Liking the books and accepting Jesus were two different things, but that was hopeful compared to the one who thinks she is still twenty-years-old and invincible.

After a while Mollie and Edith (Edie) excused themselves.  They said that they had to change their clothing.  Zuzka came in to take the place of Mollie.  She said, “I am stuffed, and we have another meal.  I wish bun in oven eat fast.  Eat for two – very hard.”

I explained, “Zuzka is due in a few weeks.  If we are not careful, we may have to use one of Jochebed’s other skills, the midwife.”

Ambrosia said, “Mollie delivered Nicholas.  I think she guided Edie in delivering Delia.  I cannot see her delivering her own baby.”

Zuzka moaned, “I call Edith, E.D.  I ask her what “D” stand for.  She not understand.  Then Callie say her name Edith and some call her Edie.  English!  I not like this language!”

Honeycrisp said, “Zuzka, take a nap if you like.”

Zuzka said, “Not worry.  I take nap if allowed or not.  I take nap in project management final exam last week.  Professor wake me up.  I cry.  I think I flunk class.  He say I top in class even if I flunk test.  But I wake up and finish test.  Mommie Pinkie, another ‘A’, but do not get mad at English grade.  Teacher ask how I do so bad talking and class partic, particip, ation, participation, then I make great essay.  I ask her she not know what blue and red lines mean when typing?  I sound good when I write!”

Ambrosia sighed, “I feel so bad for Edith though.  At least Mollie knew love with Red Delicious.  Edith is now in her twilight years and she never knew love.”

Honeycrisp cackled, “What are you talking about, Brose?  She has to change, but she has to catch up with someone also.”

Ambrosia asked, “What are you talking about?”

Honeycrisp snickered, “At first, before Mollie was Mollie, Red went to visit Virginia at Edie’s house or Edie brought Virginia here.  Then she finally moved in to be fulltime caregiver for our mother.  But while Red and Virginia (our Mollie) were in their room, doing what comes naturally, it left the two drivers in the other room.  From what I heard, Black Twig asked Edith if she had a love interest of her own.  Edith said that her love interest was electricity, and that had more energy than a twig would have, playing on his name.  He said, ‘Madam, my twig has plenty of energy and has not been worn out from over use like a certain master in the other room.’  Edith’s reply was that was the lamest pick up line she had ever heard.  Twig replied that he thought that she may have not heard too many when she spent all her time in an electricity lab.  And Edie said something about how many pick up lines could anyone get when they only had a twig and it was black.  Then Twig said that she’d never know unless she came over and checked for herself.  And Edie said that she might just do that.  Within the next few minutes some playful pretend tugging at dresses and trousers turned into some serious kisses and then the clothing went flying.  But when Mollie or Virginia, whichever you prefer, came out after they had finished, Edith was sitting in one corner of the room, looking bored, and Black Twig was in the opposite corner, as if they were prize fighters getting ready for the next bout.  Twig and Edith used the Red Delicious and his moll liaisons to have liaisons of their own.”

I asked, “Is the twig of Twig really black?”

Honeycrisp sighed, “Only one way to find out.”

I cackled, “I guess I’ll never know.”

Ambrosia groaned, “You and your moral code.  You miss out on a lot of fun.”

I smiled, “Ambrosia, I have a niece who had a boss similar to you in lifestyle.  She asked her boss what, if anything, is lasting and meaningful, and worthwhile, in your present lifestyle?  And if you say it fills a void?  How long is that void filled?  You cannot fill a God-shaped whole successfully without God.  I have a lot of fun.  And that emptiness feeling left me decades ago, when I accepted Jesus.”

I turned to Zuzka to see if she would agree with me, but she was asleep.  I said, “Get your sleep now, sweet daughter.  When that little one comes out, sleep will be a distant memory for a while.”

Honeycrisp started to tear up.  “I remember those days with Shingo.  I am sure Brose remembers those days with Ashmead and Nicholas.”  Her phone buzzed.  I looked around.  Other than the nursery children, everyone else had gathered behind our chairs.  Honeycrisp continued, “Oops.  I have an announcement to make.  As you might all know.  Virginia, or Mollie if you prefer, went to the prison to visit her Ready yesterday, actually the day before.  He called her Mollie or Moll back in the day.  She called him Red D, or Ready, because he was always ready when they got in bed together.  But I have been instructed to tell you about her job interview when she interviewed to be our mother’s caregiver and nurse.  That is the reason for this reunion, but only Ready knew what would happen next.  At her job interview, the first second my brother saw her, he was in love.  I knew we were both in trouble because I saw the look on his face.  She answered all the questions properly.  She only had one demand.  She had literally, a truckload of books, and she needed space for all of them.  Red agreed, but he said that she had to walk through the orchard before the interview was over.  Really, he took her to the cabin.  He pulled out some lingerie from a dresser drawer.  He said, ‘They will be perfect for him for the rest of his life if the lingerie fits.’  Then he explained that those that could get into it at all, could not fill it out.  Virginia took her clothes off and took the lingerie in her hands.  She was standing there, stark naked in front of him, and she did not seem to notice that he was looking at her body.  She was focused on the challenge.  She put the lace thing on, which covered very little, and it fit perfectly.  My brother threw his arms around her and told her he knew that it would fit.  It took little time for the lingerie to come back off and they made love, the first day they met, at a job interview.”

There were gasps around the room at the scandalous story.  But then there were more gasps as they saw this woman of a little over seventy enter the room, wearing a wedding dress.  GrandPa was taking her by the hand.  Edith, in a maid of honor dress walked before her.  The children that were of walking age that came from the nursery were all holding the train, most of them behaving, most of them giggling.  Jemima came in, taking photos of everything and everyone.

Edith announced, “May I introduce the bride.  Mrs. Virginia Orlowski Apple.  I drove her to the prison two days ago.  She met Red Delicious in a hospital room.  This worried her, thinking he was ill or dying.  He pulled a piece of lingerie out of the drawer in his little dining table.  He said that the person that can fill this out will be his true love forever.  Virginia told him that no matter how much she tried to stay in shape, that was over forty years ago, nearly fifty.  He winked and said he knew her size for the dress, but the lingerie was made of stretch material.  She stripped naked and quickly put on the lingerie, a perfect fit.  Her Ready leaped from the bed and hugged her.  Lt. Deviled Yeggs, Jemima Yeggs, the pastor from his church, and the warden came in to officiate and be witnesses.  They were married and the hospital room became the room for their conjugal visit.  And don’t worry, the doctors made sure that the conjugal visit would be successful.  He was in the hospital ward in case his heart could not take it, but no problems there.  Sorry, the groom could not make it to the reception.”

Then Otto and Scrambled came in with the wedding cake.  As the champagne corks started to pop, and cases of Freedom Cider were passed around, non-alcoholic for the little ones, Zuzka woke up.

She blinked a few times, “What did I miss?”

And then two familiar voices, Deviled Yeggs and his wife Naomi, leaned over my shoulders.  Dev said, “We wouldn’t miss this.  I think Big Red Mac is having some effect on his Dad.  Red is praying and reading his Bible.  Red said that he had some messes to clean up first.  I think this was the biggest mess in Red’s life, even considering all the crime he committed.  He’d hurt someone that he passionately loved.”

I said, “And I have a brother who keeps secrets from me.  I do not think that I like that, but this one was a wonderful surprise.  I think more wonderful for Virginia two days ago.  I guess we can’t call her Mollie anymore.  She’s a former crime boss’ wife, not his girlfriend.  Then again, has Virginia just married into a crime family?”

The bride finally spoke.  “I was young and foolish.  I knew who Red Delicious Apple was.  I knew what he did.  I knew he was married, but when he said that I would have his heart for the rest of his life, none of those bad things that should have told me to run away mattered.  Yes, two nights ago or maybe early yesterday morning, we consummated our marriage.  We talked for a long time.  We had forty years of children growing up, getting married, having children of their own.  Mostly he talked about how his son through Gala was talking to him about Jesus and that he was noticing that he was a changed man.  He’d never leave the prison, but we could visit as we did yesterday.  He wanted to start his new life with me by his side.  For my children and grandchildren, your money will be safe.  Red Delicious will not abide by anyone murdering members of the family.  He promised Deviled Yeggs that he will give evidence for some of the cold cases on the Tracy books, but he will not give evidence against the Empire-led organization, except maybe a supplier of illegal drugs here or there.  If it gets harder to make money, maybe they’ll figure out that legal means of making money is a better idea in the first place.  I just wanted all of you, who are Apples, but not Rotten Apples, to know that I will support you and if anyone on the other side wants to clean up their act, I will welcome their repentance, to borrow a term Ready used often in our visit.  Now, I have to throw this bouquet over my shoulder.  Do we have some young ladies who want to catch it?”

Her older granddaughters gathered.  Celia’s daughter was dating but not engaged.  Delia’s oldest was sixteen, and she had better hands.  Celia’s daughter left the room crying with Celia trying to console her.  She wailed, “But Mom, she isn’t even dating yet!”

On the way home though, the chefs and the nursery crew took a detour.  Jochebed went into labor.  She had a baby girl.  She named her Dinah, half to honor Dinah Levy since her asylum immigration to the USA went through with no problem due to Jacob’s influence, and half because she had four boys who had been killed, and now she had a girl, like Leah and her six boys plus Dinah.  Does this mean Jochebed was going to try for two boys?  Did she have a potion for that?

Credits

Elly May Clampett was the daughter of Jed Clampett on the television show The Beverly Hillbillies.  Since Elvira Quinn (prior to marrying Ben Casey) and Mary Sheltie (prior to marrying Joseph Jones) delivered her friend’s baby during Hurricane Frank (Mary Jo Lynn and Frank Lynn), she wanted to name her daughter Ellie Mary, but it didn’t sound right.  Shortening it to Ellie Mae sounded like a hillbilly name, so the baby is Ellie Kay.  You know, completely different.

The lawyer who finally got the paperwork signed in last week’s murder mystery was making the impending marriage go through, with Red adopting both girls in the process.

And the photo is from one of the last wedding receptions my wife and I attended, when her brother got married for the first time, soon before he turned seventy years old. So, the circumstances kind of fit.