Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs.  I work homicide in the big city of Tracy.  Working for me are my old partners: Detective Sgt. Jim Wednesday and Detective Poached Yeggs, my nephew who is slowly becoming a good detective.  But now I had Georges Evident of Organized Crime working for me.

There was a huge crowd in Captain Hart’s office.  The mayor, the Police Commissioner, and a detective that I only knew by reputation, a good reputation, were there.  The Fire Chief of Tracy was present.  Captain Hart was there, and Gisele was listening in from her office.  I was there with Jim, Poached, and Georges.  Nick the Pick was also there, along with Polly Pulice, the only non-detective.

We all knew this had to do with Lt. Casanova indulging in sexual practices associated with the occult.  It looked like every detective sergeant was present except for Beau Junko, the sergeant in charge of Bunco (which includes confidence hustles and white-collar crime) and Jack Gripper, the sergeant in charge of crimes of violence (anything short of homicide – rape, aggravated assault, and more).  The aforementioned mystery detective was Bones Rattler, who has broken up more illegal craps games than I could count.

The Commissioner spoke first, “The mayor and I have had a variety of meetings behind closed doors.  He won the election on a “cleaning up Tracy” campaign, and here in one year, two of the three detective lieutenants have come up dirty.  In his press conference yesterday, he said we were about to have a major reorganization, but the loss of two bad cops was a gain for the police force.  Deviled Yeggs and his feeding the homeless is working as a public relations campaign.  I know Dev only wants to feed the homeless, but he made a point in the kickoff that this was a fire and police auxiliary charity.  I can’t believe how well it is being received by both ends.  I am one of the judges of the firehouse chili this afternoon.  It better be good.”  The Fire Chief hoped so too, since he was another of the judges.  The Commissioner bowed to his fellow judge.  “But that means we are down to one detective who is a lieutenant grade with no experienced sergeants except for Jim Wednesday.  Frankly, I do not wish to break up the homicide trio, but we have to reorganize.  And we must think of a way that cuts costs.  Thus, to just say it, Deviled Yeggs is now the lieutenant in charge of all detective divisions.  All detectives will move to this precinct.  We’ll use the interview rooms for detective offices, and the observation rooms.  We are running out of space, but a remodel is out of the question.  But we are also short a guy in vice and organized crime.  The mayor and I have designed a series of half-step promotions.”

I finally was upset enough to interrupt.  “Sir, it sounds like I get twice the work without a pay raise, like when you invented the Staff Sergeant idea.  This is going to make a few people unhappy.”

The Commissioner said, “Dev, that is why we rearranged the pay scale.  As of now, Georges Evident and Poached Yeggs are promoted to detective first class, halfway between a detective and a detective sergeant.  They will move up to sergeant when they have enough experience, and we get rid of this defunding garbage.  Jim Wednesday moves up to detective sergeant first class.  He takes some of the supervisory load off you, Lt. Yeggs.  Poached will oversee Vice, since he has a lot of experience there.  Bones, you get a bump up to detective first class, but you report to Poached.  The rest stay as they are, but the Vice detectives all report to Poached.  We need another detective in Organized Crime, but we have not decided on what patrolman is ready.”

Polly asked, “Sir, I’m the only patrolman asked to be here.  Is there a reason for that?”

The Commissioner said, “Yes, Officer Pulice, you were considered for promotion to detective rank, but you don’t have enough time in grade.  You are also the best patrolman when working with rookies.  We don’t want to lose that.  You are promoted to officer first class.  Since the jump from officer scale to detective scale is the highest, your half jump is the best promotion of the bunch, but you will be asked to do more work with the detective divisions, not just Vice, and when Ruthie Toody is no longer a rookie, she will be reassigned, and you’ll get another rookie.”

Polly said, “Yes, Sir,” but it did not sound like she was pleased.  She liked Ruthie and she did not like the idea of a fresh rookie.  And I think she really wanted that detective shield.  Then she asked, “Sir, do I get mosquito wings on my uniform?”

The Commissioner walked over to her and said, “How about mosquito wings with a rocker underneath?”  He handed her some patches, but he pinned her collar with a pin.  He whispered in her ear, “I love the way you handled the murder next door to my house this past year.  You deserve this.”

Polly giggled, “Thank you, Sir.”

The Fire Chief asked, “Why am I here, then?”

Boaz, the mayor, said, “I was going to get with you once the Commissioner explains how the other precincts will be rearranged.  You’ll see the trend and that will spill over onto the fire department side, keeping it fair among departments.”

The Commissioner then turned to Captain Hart.  “Al, we have a few captains nearing retirement.  You might be there too, but in the meantime, as the precinct captains adjacent to this one retire, you’ll take over as captain.  The lieutenant will still be there, but you’ll have four precincts under you.”

The voice from the box said, “No way, Sir!  I just doubled my detective report writing work, and now quadruple the precinct paperwork?  No way.”

The Commissioner said, “Is there any way to mute that box?  But, Gisele, we will keep on the secretary workforce.  They simply report to the precinct lieutenant.  In fact, the detective offices at city hall will be housed with more typists.  Everything is done electronically, and the detectives will have to get better at writing reports.”  He stared at Poached.

I went to my nephew’s defense. “Sir, don’t be too hard on Poached.  The D.A. recently said he finds some of the reports rather humorous.”  I’m sorry.  That’s the best I could do at the moment.

The Fire Chief said, “What about my arson detectives?”

Boaz said, “We do not need as many as we have.  You and I can sit down and crunch the numbers, but I was thinking about spreading out their territories as the older ones retire.  Some fire districts are prone to arson, while others hardly have any cases.  We can work that out, but no one gets shoved out the door in this reorganization.  Natural attrition.”

Captain Hart asked, “Same with the captain rank?”

Boaz nodded.  “I am sorry that we cannot make full jump promotions.  Many of these half jumps are prior to those people being eligible for the full jump anyway, but the ones in this room deserve the full jump.  If we can keep crime low, businesses with a higher payroll will be attracted to Tracy.  With the tax revenue increase, we have more money to work with without an increase in tax rate.  We are also working on federal funding options, but that is tight these days.  And before anyone asks, three people did what Cassie is doing, before we married.  She only requires an entry-level clerk to help her, and there were two of them that reported to the three people Cassie replaced, and she does what she does for free.  We are doing fine on my salary.  We need to get smarter in the way we do things, people.  The D.A. needs the right information for anything that goes to court.  That is clearly understood, but if we can get there with less personnel, let’s do it.”

The Commissioner said, “Bones, get to know your new bosses.  The mayor and I are leaving on other issues.”

The Fire Chief said, “I’ll come with you.  Maybe we can set up a meeting to negotiate minimums and maximums.  I heard what other states have done in similar circumstances.  I will not be party to an historic home burning to the ground or arson not being investigated due to budget cuts.  We need a positive attitude that we can make this work.”

Bones sat with Poached and me for a little while.  He knew people with a gambling addiction all over Tracy.  They knew him as being a guy who loved the rush.  He would go along with them to illegal gambling dens around town.  He learned the secret knocks and passwords to get in.  Then, he would never be around when the establishments were raided.  If he had been interested, he could have learned the drugs, porn, prostitution, and human trafficking side of things.  With this reorganization, he might have to learn a lot of things.

Captain Hart came over.  “I think we can leave Georges where he is.  We’ll put Jim in Interrogation Room 2, and Poached in Interrogation Room 3.  I’m thinking Beau Junko into Observation 3 and Jack Gripper into Observation 2.  I don’t want people listening in on Georges’ conversations.  How did your meeting with the little drummer lover boy go?”

I chuckled, “Buddy Chick Krupa, goes by Chick, but I think Jazz could call him anything and he’d come running.  He gave me a lead, almost by accident.  I think we can get him to talk without really talking.  We will need more leads to tie the strings together.  But, Captain Hart, Al, I feel like this is the Staff Sergeant thing all over again.  I know nothing about any of this other stuff.  Now, I am their boss?”

At this point, everyone had moved into the squad room, those that were still around.  And what I did not know until later was that Sgt. Guy Weiss, our precinct desk sergeant, was ordering a rocking chair for Polly Pulice.  After all, didn’t the Commissioner say that she was getting mosquito wings and a “rocker”?

Captain Hart put his hand on my shoulder.  “You know a lot more than you give yourself credit for, Dev.  When you investigate a murder, you follow the money.  You look at potential love triangles.  You check to see if they are in debt to a gambling outfit.  You look for motives in just about all the disciplines.  If you wanted, you could have every division investigate the victim and their family.  You have directed these people when you had two or three taskforces.  You have the knowledge.  You just need the confidence.”

Gisele came into the room.  “Oh!  Did I interrupt something intimate?  Since everyone was leaving, I thought my hubby and I could have a little nooner.”

Captain Hart turned to me and said, “In spite of all the talk around here, Zellie and I have never done a nooner.”

I asked, “Should I leave?  This may be your first chance to accomplish that feat.  After you are captaining four precincts, you may never have the time.”

Gisele looked at me and struck a pose.  “Honestly, Dev, do I look like one who would be a naughty girl?”

I shrugged, “The way you flirt to get us to do just about anything for you, I thought you had a little bad girl in you.”

Gisele asked, “What was that line from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”

I shrugged, “I’m thinking that you mean the line Jessica Rabbit says, ‘I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.’  Nice line, because she’s a cartoon character.”

Gisele groaned, “No, although it’s appropriate.  I’m thinking of the line she said before that.  ‘You don’t know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.’”

I shrugged, “But then Eddie Valiant says something about how she doesn’t know how hard it is being a guy looking at a gal who looks the way she does.  Something like that.”

Captain Hart said, “My wife came in here asking for a little lunchtime sex, and she ends up talking to a detective about a weird movie and a sexy conversation.  What has my life boiled down to?  Am I a mere walk-on in the movie of my own life?”

Gisele laughed, “Maybe, sweetie, but you must admit, I have had the guys in the precinct drooling for over twenty years.  I mean, should I have a warning sign about dangerous curves ahead?”

Captain Hart asked, “Am I the only one that has seen those curves?  You know, without any clothes on?”

Gisele said, “Well, there was that time…”

Captain Hart said, “I told you to never speak of that time.”

I asked, “Was I present for that time?”

Captain Hart said, “I said we were not going to speak of that time.”

I groaned, “But I’m a detective, and you know how often I get to the bottom of things.”

Captain Hart said, “Do it, just make it brief.”

Gisele smiled, “I needed to change clothes one time in the women’s room, back years ago.  I was naked and I dropped my wedding ring, from my marriage to Lilith’s father.  It rolled behind the toilet, and I chased it with my right arm, and it got stuck in the exposed water piping.  With my body on top of the toilet and my arm stuck under the toilet, the old sergeant and a couple of uniforms came in to free me when I cried for help.  Other than a lot of leering looks, no one touched anything other than holding me to get my arm freed.  Each of them said they would love to date me, but they were all married.  Otherwise, all my flirting led to nothing of that nature, not even with this guy.  Cappie and I have just been soulmates from long before his wife died.  I was the only one that could open up to how sick she was and how exhausted he was.  And you detectives were no help.  He took it out on you because he had no other outlet.”

Captain Hart said, “My late wife told me to sleep with Gisele to take the edge off my emotions, but I didn’t do that.  I could not be unfaithful to her.”

Gisele asked, “What was that last night, Cappie?”

Captain Hart moaned, “Come on!  We’re married.  It’s not cheating on somebody else anymore.”

Gisele said, “Maybe I should do some cheating, just to see what it’s like.”

I moaned, “I like the fact that all your curves are in the right places, but my wife would kill me.  But then, maybe that would be better than having to learn every detective discipline in the book.”

Gisele turned to Captain Hart, “Well, we had him thinking of something else for a little while.”

Captain Hart chuckled, one of those deep rattles.  “In a week, he’ll be running this place without thinking twice about how hard the job is getting.  That’s one thing that always had me worried about him.  It just ain’t natural to keep driving when they keep piling on, but Yeggs, he is driven by a higher power.  When wrong has been done, he finds the strength somewhere until he has righted that wrong.”

When we looked into the squad room, Poached was busy moving into his new office, but Jim Wednesday was nowhere in sight.

Poached saw the confusion on our faces.  “The other detectives all went back to City Hall to start packing up, so they can move here.  Jim got a call about Tuesday going to the Medical Center.  But she’s not due for another couple of weeks.”

I turned to Gisele, and she nodded.  After checking everything multiple times, Tuesday was sent home. They were nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof. Tuesday had a miscarriage last year, and this would be their last chance.

Credits

We were living in Watertown, MA when Massachusetts voted for a tax cut similar to the one Ronald Reagan did in California when he was governor.  Within the first few months, the media reported that no homicides were being investigated due to the cuts to the police, and several historic brownstones burned to the ground with the fire department watching – no water was the excuse.  When they got beyond the minor rebellion, they got back to work and found the budget cuts in the right places.  With the buzz about defunding the police, I thought I’d make it the major theme of one story, even though it has been an underpinning issue in other stories.

When I was newly married and my wife invited me home for lunch, the talk around the office building upon my return was that I went home for a nooner.  In other words, I went home for a romantic liaison.  In denying that we did anything of that nature, I got two responses: 1) Disbelief or 2) Why on earth would you pass up the opportunity?!  That is one of those rumors that has no good response.  Maybe the best response would be to admit to the false rumor that you had a nooner, and then ask them if they were jealous?  Nope, that was never the way I did things.