Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

I was a jumble of nerves.  I was a jumble of emotions.  I was totally spent.  And Missy was leaving in a couple of days for a month, or nearly a month in Scotland with her family.  I was letting her take the airplane. Angus insisted on paying for the fuel.  Amy and I allowed the pilots to take the month off, either flying around Europe or hanging out with the extended MacDougall clan.  Cassie was letting them stay in the family home, but there were so many that were going.  They had to ask cousins if they could find extra rooms.  But this was going to be a chance for family to bond, and wounds to heal.

In preparation to be part of the family, a week ago, Archie Sinclair married Aiyana, the Native American (Chickasaw) woman in Missy’s wedding party.  Duncan Campbell married Diya, the Indian woman in Missy’s wedding party.  But since Duncan Campbell was Missy’s half-brother and Archie Sinclair was Clair’s half-brother, they did not want to go and then get married.  Clair was the sister that Missy’s mother had killed when Missy was allowed to escape.  She enjoyed being with both young men.  Incidentally, Gordon Sutherland proposed to Anahera at the double Scottish wedding.  They had been taking it slow since Gordon and Anahera (Angel) both coached rugby teams at T.R.U.S.T. and both worked fulltime.  Anahera’s straight graveyard shifts, Sunday through Thursday nights did not help much either.  I had failed to report it, but Dominika and Fergus MacPherson had gotten married in February, not on Valentine’s day.  Missy only had two other pairs that Missy had in her wedding party who had not gotten to the ring stage of the process, but they were still dating.  But Amara wants to finish her accounting degree first before she let’s Callum get on one knee, and Brodie and Beatriz have already started teaching dancing lessons together at the community center.

With Aiyana and Diya going on a month-long vacation, that put me down one water control specialist and distillery specialist.  But I had backups.  I was going to miss Missy the most.  With her being the head of security, the two of us were bound at the hip, or so it seemed.  Julia was Missy’s choice to fill in for her.  She had already taken the reins.  Missy wanted to see how she would do, and Julia was not the frightened little girl who saw a monster helicopter land in the parking lot when GrandPa and Gwen returned from their world tour, a Navy Super Stallion, if you must know.

But this weekend, there was a double wedding on Friday night, Rota married Aaro Heikkinen and Irusya married Elroy Jetson.  Yes, they were keeping his current identity to be their permanent identity, and they were marrying after just a few months of dating.  I still had Zuzka who could fill in when new arrivals showed up and I had someone training to take Irusya’s place, but Dr. Kildare was not comfortable with her yet.  I picked Mags Lothrop, Dr. Kildare’s part-time girlfriend to take atmospheric data in the Crystal Mountain and repair the equipment.

But my plans to have Zuzka fill in while Rota was on her honeymoon were dashed before the post-wedding dances were completed.  Zuzka doubled over with labor pains.  Jemima was taking the photos and Easter was taking care of Stormie, but then Easter drove us to the Medical Center and Jemima had Naomi take care of her granddaughter while Jemima finished the photographs.  When they wheeled Zuzka into the labor room, I found out why I could not get Jochebed on the phone.  She was coaching Tuesday Wednesday with her breathing.  By the time the sun came up, Zuzka had a baby boy in her arms, Olu Kulteni Yeggs.  They were thinking of calling him Ollie or Kully (like Sully with a “K” – and I am sure Kanok will simply call him “Cool”), but Olu Kulteni is “scrambled eggs” in Latvian.  Kully is a better name than Junior, I suppose.  Scrambled is in hog heaven.  And Tuesday finally had her girl, Wednesday Wednesday, a little over a year after the previous little girl had miscarried.  It got really noisy in the labor room with two expectant mothers shouting orders to their husbands in Latvian, and neither husband had a clue what they were saying.  Jochebed was her usual unflappable self, yelling at the husbands in French and then adding, “Do you not speak your wife’s native language?”  Of course, Tuesday (nee Velga Kalnins) was born in the Latvian community in Tracy, but no one argued with Jochebed when she was in midwife mode.  She was the boss.  Even the doctors bowed to her.  She would follow her chiding each time with a nice laugh, but she was more help to both expectant mothers than the two men combined, and it was Jim Wednesday’s second rodeo.

With no sleep at all, I got back to Lily the Pink mid-morning, for a quick shower before the Carla and Brenton wedding at the First-Third Metho-Presby Church.  Carla got her church wedding, and they would start college at T.R.U.S.T. as husband and wife.  Both sets of parents were proud of the children, and all four parents were attending church regularly now that their children were on fire for Jesus.

I went to my office to handle afternoon open-door requests and promptly fell asleep, with both the heat and massage going in my desk chair.  I awoke three hours later to see Missy staring at me, laughing.

Missy said, “I have been waiting for this day, Grannie Pinkie.  You caught up with me!  When you have two grandchildren, it is best if you go to bed to take those naps.”

I spluttered, “I do not see you taking naps!”

Missy snickered, “But when it comes to age, I’m barely past half…”

I growled, “Don’t finish that sentence if you know what’s good for you.”

Then we both started laughing.  I said, “I cannot believe that something that small emerged from the tower of a woman like Zuzka.  Even then, he was a little over twenty inches.  He may be taller than his father by middle school.”

But then, the door opened, and this handsome young man walked into the room.  He just stared at the two grandmothers and breathed heavily.  This was not what Missy wanted, just a day before she flew to Scotland.  I wasn’t afraid.  Missy could turn this man into a pretzel if she desired that particular way of subduing him.

The door burst open again with Julia in hot pursuit.  Julia stammered, “Mommie Pinkie, I must not have pushed the door closed completely.  This guy just walked through the door and straight into here.”

The man said, “I must make love to a prostitute, or I will die.”

I said, “Sir, you have been misinformed.  This establishment has no prostitutes anymore.  And I do not deal with anyone who breaks and enters and does not give me their name.”

The man said, “I am Sknarf.  I come from a land far away.  My people require love-making to remain alive.  I have come a long way.  I was told this was a place of prostitution. I require love-making. A regular woman like yourselves would do, but with a prostitute, I could survive three days.  With a regular woman, I would have to repeat the process daily.”

Julia asked, “Okay then, Sknarf, how about a virgin?”

Sknarf looked puzzled, then his eyes brightened, but only for a few seconds.  “A virgin would be different.  A virgin could sustain me for at least a week, but then she would no longer be a virgin.  Are you a virgin?  Is that why you are in fancy clothing?”

Julia looked at Missy and I, both in our nice dresses from Carla and Brenton’s wedding.  She looked down at her security uniform.  No matter how many pockets and shiny buttons, and her utility belt with a taser and night stick, the only thing “pretty” was the pink ribbons on the epaulets.  With this bit of confusion, she had to ask, “Sknarf, to do this love-making, would we have to find a room alone and take our clothes off?”

Sknarf looked at her as if he were offended, “Of course not.  We would need witnesses to make sure the love-making was done properly, and we would never consider taking our clothes off in such a circumstance.”

Missy turned to me and casually said, “I cannot believe that my little virginal security chief is entertaining such conversation, Mommie Pinkie.  If it were me, I would have him on the floor in cuffs long ago.”

Sknarf replied, “This woman, this virgin, is a step above you.  She responds in a civil manner. But you in the pink hair?  Are you the mother to all the others?”

Just on cue, Kanok burst through the side door to the restrooms, “Mommie Pinkie!  Mama Missy!  Julie Loolie!”

Sknarf bowed to Julia, “Julie Loolie, I would be honored to make love to you.”

I said, “Not on your life, Sknarf, or whatever your name is.  I think you should leave.  And Kanok, go get PawPaw.”  With that, Kanok left.

Sknarf smiled with approval.  “Good, more witnesses.”

Julia asked, “How is this love-making done, if we do not remove our clothing?”

Sknarf huffed, “More about removing clothing.  I would think that if you had prostitutes here, they would know better than to ask.  We stand facing each other.  We place our hands out, about shoulder height, palms forward.  We press our palms together, but we do not lace our fingers.  Then we lean forward and kiss each other on the lips for three seconds.  I can let your mother time us.”

Julia said, “I can take that risk.  One kiss.  Your life is sustained for a week.  Then, I can see you out of the building.”

Missy said, “I would not do that, Julia.”

Julia said, “I see something in his eyes.  He is safe.”

They performed the ceremony.  I stopped them.  “Stop.  That was four seconds.”

Sknarf said, “Oh dear, I said three seconds.  This won’t do.  No.  This won’t do.”

Julia asked, “Why?  Your life will not be sustained because we went one second too long?”

Sknarf said, “One second too long means that we are now betrothed!”

I said, “That’s it!  Out!  Julia, make sure the door is locked after you throw this guy into the street.”

Julia said, “Wait, Mommie Pinkie.  If his definition of love-making was different than ours, maybe his definition of betrothed is different.”

Sknarf said, “We must be wed.”

I huffed, “Julia, you are not going to marry some alien from a far away planet just because he has strange rules.  You do not even know this guy.”

Sknarf blinked. “Yes, that is the next step.  We must sleep together.”

Julia said, “That kind of knowing you is going too far.  I am not taking my clothes off and getting into bed with you.”

Sknarf said, “What is this with all this talk of taking off your clothing.  You can retain your wonderful clothing.  We sleep next to each other in the same bed.  We do not even touch each other.”

Julia made a confused face. “But if the point is to get to know each other, about all that accomplishes is finding out if either of us snores.”

Sknarf shrugged, “It’s just the way things must be done.”  He held out a hand and Julia took it.

I screamed, “No, Julia, you need to escort this man out of the building!”

Julia said, “I see something in his eyes, Mommie Pinkie.  I will be alright.”  Then on her phone.  “Institute overwatch in my apartment.  I will have a visitor.  Use the large screen.  Set for motion.  Record audio and video, infrared, I don’t want the lights coming on.”

I sighed, “Julia, you can’t be serious.”

“Yes, ma’am,” she said, staring into Sknarf’s eyes.  “I am.  And I know how to handle the situation.  I will recheck the doors on my way out.”

With that, they were out of the office.

Missy shook her head. “I am worried, Mommie Pinkie.  Julia was an only child.  Strict parents, Christians but legalistic.  She did not find Grace until she got here.  She was always pudgy, not fat, but she felt unattractive.  She never dated.  I think that kiss just now was the first kiss.  But when it comes to martial arts, she’s my best, boxing, my best, wrestling, my best.  She has a toned body now, but she still sees herself as that pudgy girl that got no invitations to the prom.”

I nodded, “She reminds me of Plain Jayne Crane.  Oops, now it’s far from plain Jayne Slaughter.  Maybe Julia can blossom.  But I think both of us will be doing a lot of praying and not getting much sleep.”

Missy said, “Angus and I have not finished packing yet.  Do you realize your little plane will be full?  There are the five of us plus Samuel and Elspeth Farquharson.  The judge has too much on his plate to go on vacation, especially for a month.  But then the two honeymoon couples and the grandparents, both the Campbells and the Menzies.  That’s fifteen people.  All the guys in kilts, even little Sammie.”

I asked, “What all are you doing?”

Missy shrugged, “Visiting cousins and such, seeing the country.  But Angus pulled some strings, and I will be in a dance competition.  He said something about Menzie singing with a jazz band, using Emmett arrangements to some Kilted Duncan hits.  I don’t know about that.  Those were rock ’n roll.  They may not like the alternative arrangements.”

I patted Missy’s hand.  “They’ll love Menzie.”

With that, my Dad came in the room and saw Missy leaving.  “Kanok said you had an alien in here.  Is the alien invisible?”

I laughed, “The alien is sleeping in Julia’s bed tonight.  We need to pray about that one.”

The next bits were retrieved from the security cameras.

About three in the morning, Sknarf awoke and kicked around.  Julia’s bed was pushed against the wall.  Sknarf was under the sheets, pinned on one side with the wall and pinned on the other side with Julia sleeping on top of the sheets.

Sknarf made muffled sounds, “Wha!  What?  Where am I?  What’s going on?  Why can’t I move?”

Julia replied, “Sknarf, you said you had to sleep with me, but that does not mean we had to touch each other.  Calm down.  You are in my bed, and I can release you from the covers, but only if you calm down.”

Sknarf asked, “What did you call me?”

“Sknarf!” Julia replied.  “Finally, after we got to bed, you said your full name, Sknarf Nodrog.”

Sknarf sighed, “That’s not my name.  My name is Gordon Franks.”

Julia giggled, “That explains a lot.  I knew you needed help, and kicking you to the curb was not the answer.  I am Julia Juniper.  I am the temporary head of security at Lily the Pink, at least while the boss is in Scotland for a month.  What was with the charade last night?  The strange love-making?  Us being betrothed?  Us having to sleep together?”

Julia had loosened the covers so that he could get one arm loose.  He started to cry.  He slapped his face.  “What have I done?  Have I defiled you?  Please, tell me.  The last thing that I remember was the bus ride here from Kansas City.  Where is Lily the Pink?  What is Lily the Pink?”

Julia giggled, but she answered all his questions.  She was not defiled.  The kiss was nice though.  They had yet to even hug.  But now, she wanted to know why he was in Tracy.

Gordon doubled over in pain.  He said his belly hurt.  Julia asked when he had last eaten and he said, “Days.”  He added that he had not slept more than a few minutes here or there for days.  He was mugged at the Atlanta, GA bus depot.  When he awoke in the alley, all he had left was his bus ticket.  I guess no one in their right mind would want to go to Tracy.  He didn’t either, but he was looking for a soulmate.  He’d heard all the jokes about farmer’s daughters.  He wasn’t interested in Tracy as much as the surrounding farm areas to see if he could find a suitable wife.

Julia said, “Let’s go to the kitchen.  If Thomas is there, he can fix you something simple to eat.”  She explained that Thomas ver Waarloosd seemed to never sleep.  He was a baker for the bakery.  He cooked for the homeless and managed the food distribution there, and he was a full-time college student.  Thomas, having arrived in Tracy on a similar bus with the same kind of food deprivation, recognized the problem.  He fixed some scrambled eggs with cheese and promised some hard rolls when they were out of the oven.

Julia sat with Gordon Franks, a.k.a. Sknarf.  “Now, why are you in such an all fired hurry to get married?  Why the charade last night?”

Gordon said, “You asked me that already, but I remember nothing from last night.  All I remember is waking up next to a beautiful woman.”

Julia asked, “Have you been drinking the cider behind my back?”

Gordon smiled, “I find you attractive Ms. Juniper.  But then, I have little experience in that regard.  We lived on a small farm, a few heads of cattle, chickens, and a grove of pecan trees.  That’s puh-kaan.  A Pee Can is what you leave underneath the bed if you have a hard time reaching the bathroom at night.”

Julia snickered, “Got it! Pecans.  Was that your money crop?”  He nodded.  “And because you lived on a remote farm, you never dated?”  He nodded.  “What about your parents?”

His eyes started to water.  “Dad died three months ago.  Mom talked to me for a couple of weeks about how I was supposed to get married and give them an heir, but they were disappointed in me.  I was a failure.  I told her that I went off to community college.  I got an engineering technology degree, and I was a certified operator at the nuclear power station.  None of that mattered.  She was going to die having never seen a grandchild.  And she did about a month ago.  My uncle was the executor of the estate.  I got everything, but being a failure were the only words I remember my mother ever saying.  My uncle said to not make any major decisions for a year, but I quit my job, and I bought a bus ticket to Tracy.  If I was such a failure and the entire community knew it, I had to go where no one knew me, and my only goal was to find a wife.  My Mom was gone, but I had to make her proud of me.  I signed my uncle as the power of attorney to run the farm and such until I got back.  He had pecan trees, and it just meant about half the profits went into my account.  He wouldn’t charge family to keep the books.”

Julia nodded.  Gordon started crying and she put her arms around him.

Julia said, “Sknarf, I mean, Gordon. … Hey, Sknarf Nodrog is Gordon Franks backwards.  Somehow, I like Sknarf the best.  We can go back to my apartment.  I’ll let you sleep in the bed, and I’ll take the recliner.  Since we are betrothed and not married, I want no fooling around!”

Gordon smiled, “You are well armed.  I doubt if I would have a chance.”

With that morning being Sunday, Stinker had her Sunday School class in my office, and I did not get back until well after church.  Scrammie wanted to take a little drive.  We ate out at a restaurant near the airport.  We got to say good-bye to all the crew going to Scotland.

When I got to my office, my computer had an urgent message.  Suddenly, I remembered Sknarf and was afraid of what the message was.  All that the message said was that Julia wanted to talk.

I called her.  That was easy as the head of security was one button to press, and we were talking.

Julia and Sknarf, who I quickly learned was Gordon Franks, sat in my visitor chairs.  Julia preemptively went into Pink Lady mode so that I did not have to.

Julia said, “Mommie Pinkie, I called your sister-in-law, Naomi, and she said that food and sleep depravation would not cause hallucinations but might make him confused.  The grief, both parents dying and then getting mugged, left penniless, scrambled the facts about his trip to Tracy and put him into this hallucination.  All that said, I am holding him to his claim that we are betrothed, unless he disappoints me.  He is a certified nuclear power operator.  He should not take long learning the operations here, but you have never had a guy in the control room as an operator before.  I know that Rota is on her honeymoon and Zuzka is at the hospital with her newborn, but Gordon, Sknarf, what did people call you in school?”

Gordon said, “Gordo.  In Mexico, that would be Fatso.  I was a bit overweight, and the nickname stuck.”

Julia sighed, “I still like Sknarf, but that will be my pet name for you.  But Mommie Pinkie, Gordon needs an apartment, a job, and a phone call to let his uncle know what happened.  He’ll need a new driver’s license.”

Gordo stopped her, “I called my uncle from Atlanta.  He stopped the debit card and the credit cards.  He was going to mail a new driver’s license and debit card with a PIN to general delivery in Tracy.  It may already be here.  I could make a down payment for the apartment as soon as I get that stuff.  I am not homeless.  I am not without means.  I am all that today.  And I would love to take this fine young lady on a date tonight.  Maybe go to each of the make-out spots in the Crystal Mountain and kiss at each one of them.  Without a license, I can’t take her anywhere, no money either, but since I said we were betrothed, I need to get to know her.”

I called Gwen in and she took Gordon to her clothing storage room.  He might have to wear pink for a couple of days until his ID and debit card arrived.  Julia lagged behind.

“Mommie Pinkie,” she said. “I am happy things worked out, but I think his attraction to me is just that I showed him kindness.  I am so plain.  He will be disappointed once he regains all his senses.”

I laughed, “Julia, you sell yourself short, but I can call upon a miracle worker.”  I punched a few buttons on the phone, and asked her to come into my office.

Mary Sheltie Jones came in, “Why all the mystery?”

I tried to keep a straight face.  “B.B., Julia caught an alien from a far-off land who invaded the premises last night.  To make a long story short, they are now betrothed, I said a long story short, and they want to go on a date, just staying inside the Crystal Mountain.  The alien was mugged, and he has no money.  Julia is afraid that if her betrothed sees her as plain, he might be a flight risk.  Can you make Julia beautiful by tonight?”

Mary looked like what I had just said was making her dizzy.  She grabbed a chair to steady herself.  “That is a lot to process.  I hope I can sneak a peek at the full report.”  She then pulled the chair in front of Julia.  She gently tipped Julia’s head in one direction and the other.  She patted Julia’s body here and there, being polite in the process.  She did a lot of humming, and then said, “Yes, she has wonderful lines.  I have some hair extensions that are close to her hair color, and she can wear one of my really slinkie dresses.”

Julia said, “But I would be too big to fit in your dresses.  You are so fit.”

Mary laughed, “What are you talking about, Julia?  I was thinking you might need a little padding to fill it out.  Don’t worry.  Be in our apartment in an hour.  Joseph leaves the door open so that our living room is a waiting room for his counseling sessions.  For you, there will be no waiting, and I will have the bubble bath ready.”

Julia smiled, “I have not had a bubble bath since I was little.  Why start there?”

Mary smiled, “To be beautiful, Julia, you have to start with feeling that way.  Confidence is not arrogance if you do not let it take over your heart.  But God made His children to be beautiful.  You need to latch onto that promise.”

I said, “And might I add something?  You have a wonderful inner beauty, Julia.  Missy and I saw a space alien, or a crazy person, or a sex-crazed person willing to tell a tall tale just to get in bed with a woman.  You exhibited empathy.  Somehow you could feel his pain.  You were in control, but you played along until the truth of a grieving person who was in a lot of pain came to the surface.  You out-Pinked me.  Your beauty exudes to those around you.  Do not forget that, and do not lose that either.  I am going to email Missy and let her know that all is secure.  That will be a big relief for her.”

Julia had a look on her face that said that she was not buying into what the grand Bossy Boss was saying, but she was at least becoming a willing participant.

With Gwen taking care of our homeless and penniless pecan farmer and Mary Sheltie Jones playing makeup artist and an email sent to Missy with more details to follow, I went upstairs and took a nap.

Credits

I have changed buses in the Atlanta bus terminal, but that was about six decades ago.  I went on my own as a teenager to visit my cousins in Florida.  I think they dropped me off in Mississippi for the return trip.  And no, I was not mugged.

A lack of sleep can be worse than getting drunk, hallucinations was listed as a symptom, just way down on the list behind mood swings, lack of concentration, loss of memory, etc.

Not eating for days would also contribute to lack of concentration, but many of the other symptoms are more physical, such as not having an appetite and stomach pain.

Among the causes of hallucinations, the most common would be mental or neurological disorders and drug and alcohol use, but depression and bereavement, grief, were among the causes.  Sknarf had the perfect storm of causes while on a quest to “make his mother proud of him.”  But I know from experience, doing that is hard to do, maybe impossible.

And Julia seeing something in his eyes was more about what she did not see.  As a trained security guard, she knew how to detect drug use and alcohol use, but this “alien” in her midst simply looked confused.  He needed help, not a kick to the curb.