Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

I was expecting people to return today.  Missy MacDougall and her crew were flying into Tracy from Scotland.  The Rogue’s Scholars that included Emmett, Irusya, and Elroy, who lived here, were expected a little later.  They had left Scotland two days earlier, but they had to stop in DC to explain what had been done in Lithuania.  But from what I was told, both the pink plane and the black one would arrive today.

I was still mourning the loss of Angela.  She had been here a very long time.  She had been the toughest security guard before Julia hired in.  Julia had started out with a lack of confidence in everything, but she was the best trained guard overall.  Thus, she got the nod to fill in for Missy instead of Angela.  But now that Angela was gone and Missy had not returned, Julia was too busy to greet them at the door and usher them into my office.  I would have used PawPaw, but he had worked the night shift, filling in for someone on vacation.  We planned on buzzing them in and we thought Missy would know where to go to get an answer to the question about the change in protocol.  I texted Missy about Angela’s death once I knew that the plane was on the way home.  I did not want her to cut her vacation short.  Besides, when she went to the Open Championship, the grandparents visited their long-distant cousins, to find their roots.  People had to be herded together before they took their flight home.

I bowed my head in prayer, and there was a knock at the door.

“Knock, knock.”

I asked, “Who’s there?”

“Scots Wha Hae!”

I asked, “Scots Wha Hae Who?”

Missy, Menzie, and others sang “Scots, wha hae wi’ Wallace bled, Scots, wham Bruce has aften led; Welcome to your gory bed, Or to victory!” (Robert Burns, Scots Wha Hae)

Kanok ran from the play area.  “Mommie Pinkie!  Don’t ask questions!  It’s Menzie and Mamma Missy!”

Kanok, being almost three, had no problem with the door.  Then she nearly tackled Missy to the floor with a big hug.

Missy said, “What is going on here!  We always have a security guard at the front door.  And now you’ve hired Kanok to be your door security for open-door?”

I asked, “Did you not read the text?”

Missy said, “Not until we got to Tracy.  You can fill me in tomorrow.  I guess that Julia is taking Angela’s place in the security control room.  But where is Grannie Fannie?”

I explained, “Grannie is teaching our space alien how to make cider.  This is graduation day.  He has been obnoxiously inquisitive.  He practically knows the entire operation.”

“Sknarf is still here?” Missy asked.

I nodded, “His real name is Gordon Franks.  He used to be a nuclear power operator in Georgia.  He still owns a farm there, but he has decided to live here at least until he marries someone, and for now, Julia is holding him to his announcement that they are betrothed.”

Missy groaned, “I suspected she would go crazy with that one.  I have been praying.”

Kanok jumped up and down, “Mamma Missy, say something Stockish!”

Missy looked at her confused, “Och, wee, lassie, what do you want me to say?”

Kanok shook her head, “No, that’s talking like Unka Angus. Stockish!”

Missy shook her head, “Bairns speak i’ the field wha they hear i’ the ha’.” (meaning that adults should watch what they say because little ears are listening.)

Kanok laughed, “Joon!  Spa-Cool!  Mamma Missy is speaking Stockish!”  The other two stayed in the play area, but they laughed at the announcement.  Kanok ran back to “supervise” since Grannie Fannie was not there.  I kept telling her that the little ones would be fine without the supervision, but Kanok seemed to know best until Grannie Fannie put her in the corner.

I motioned for them to sit.  Angus came in briefly with a large shopping bag and then left.  Samuel came in and sat next to the door.  They were all still wearing their kilts.

“What’s in the bag?” I asked.

Missy looked shocked. “Wait!  Has the space alien indwelled the company CEO?  Mommie Pinkie has never exhibited curiosity.  You are not that lady I left behind a month ago.”

I shrugged, “And other than Gwen flying around the world, I have never had someone come back from a month long holiday in Scotland and return with a mystery package.”

Missy nodded, “I will let Menzie explain the package, I want to suggest a display case in the entrance area, a trophy case.  A Beach Volleyball trophy with the yearly winners., a water polo trophy with the winners, and here is a blue ribbon.”

She handed me a dance competition blue ribbon.  “This is not like you to brag Missy, and you earned it, I suppose.”

She laughed, “I got two ribbons.  I had three college courses in Scottish dance, but I had never been in a competition.  They had no category for an adult who was a beginner.  You cannot be a beginner unless you have never been in a competition before.  So, I was elevated to the expert class, and I got this yellow ribbon, third place among a few professionals.  It was totally unfair.  But since I had never competed before, they pulled out a spare blue ribbon.  I feel that I earned the yellow ribbon, but they said that I was a class all my own.  After I bowed to the judges at the end of my performance, I did a cartwheel, picking up my sword and scabbard in mid-flip and landed in an en garde position.  It took them a second or two to even move, but then they stood to applaud.”

I accepted the blue ribbon.  “We’ll see about the trophy case.  I have been thinking about another case, for all those who died here, or while working here.  I have sent a message to the prison where they have moved Baldwyn.  I don’t know if he would confess, but I want to create a memorial garden for all those women, whether we find the remains or not.  Losing Angela has hurt me deeply.  But now, the bag!  The bag!”

Menzie giggled, “It comes with a story.  We went to this music festival so that Mom could compete, and Dad could demonstrate a Piobaireachd.  He’s already a grandmaster.  But then, the second night, Dad told me that I am going to sing Kilted Duncan songs on the main stage as the last act of the night.  He handed me copies of Emmett’s jazz arrangements, but Em and I had practiced them already.  He said that I would be an instant star.  Then the final song was a special one that he was asking me to sing.  I told him and the organizer that I had never sung without Emmett being there on the saxophone, and I had only sung once or twice with Sophie not there to provide security.  But I would give it a try.”

Menzie took a breath before continuing.  “So, as I was asked out to center stage, the emcee told the audience about how Uncle Duncan had passed away, and that I had his music.  I had it converted to jazz arrangements, but I had two conditions upon me singing.  I had just complained.  I made no condition out of it, but the emcee said that the arranger of the music had to play saxophone, and Emmett walked out on stage.  I nearly fainted.  He smiled and walked over to introduce himself to their makeshift jazz band.  Then the emcee said that due to me and Emmett having problems with groupies across the pond, as he said, I always had security.  Sophie walked up behind me and said, ‘Hi, bestie!  I had to do some fast recruiting.’  That’s when Carla and Brenton, Pauline and Mashie, and Irusya and Elroy walked out.  No explanation, they just walked to the steps that led from the audience to the stage.  Well, I was shaken, but Emmett led the band and played some solo improvisations.  They had a trumpet and a clarinet solo a couple of times also.  Then we got to the last song.  That’s what this bag is all about.”

Menzie smiled excitedly, “The emcee came back to explain that we all lived in a compound where apple cider was made, and the name of it came from an old novelty song.  And to honor our landlady, I was going to sing Lily the Pink.  When he said that, this old man, in his eighties, came out from the wings waving papers in his hand.  He said he had cease and desist orders to serve on me.  I was not allowed to sing that song.  I explained that you had asked for permission to use the title of the song for the name of the company, especially with it being a spoof on medicinal compounds.  Then another old man came out and said, you haven’t read the entire order yet!  By the way, both men were wearing white suits.  Then he pointed to the fine print.  It was a cease and desist order unless the originators of the song could sing along.  Then the second old man said, my brother insisted on introducing us.  He said that his brother was such a ham.”

Menzie started shaking with excitement, “That’s when I saw this man who looked familiar come out on stage with a third man in a white suit.  The familiar looking man asked me if I was alright.  He said that I looked like I might faint.  I said, ‘You’re Paul McCartney!’  The crowd screamed.  He nodded and said, ‘Thank you, with that introduction out of the way, I would like to introduce to you:  Mike McGear, who was really Peter Michael McCartney.  Then the first guy was John Gorman, the comic of the group.  And the last guy was Roger McGough, the poet.  Together they were the Scaffold.’  So, the five of us sang Lily the Pink.  When we got to the part about how Lily died and went to heaven, the percussionist played the chimes like one of the Irish Rovers recordings.  Sir Paul said, ‘Wasn’t that lovely.  Did you have that in your number one hit?’  And Mike said, ‘No, we had this unknown piano player.  We couldn’t afford chimes.’  Sir Paul said, “What was his name?  I’ve recorded a song or two, maybe I’ve heard of him.’  John Gorman said, ‘I’m not sure.  We haven’t seen him since then.  His name was Elton John.’  Sir Paul shook his head, ‘Sorry, never heard of him.’ I found out later that Sir Elton John went by his name at birth at the time, Reg Dwight.“

Menzie pulled out a huge framed photograph from the bag.  “We had some pictures taken afterwards.  The Scaffold wrote a message that is framed below the photo that we added later, and the Scaffold members and Sir Paul all signed the message.  The photo is the best of the five of us backstage, but they insisted that Lauren and Sammie join us.  The message read, ‘To Pink Lady Apple Yeggs, Dr. Angus MacDougall sent us this invitation along with samples of your delicious apple cider.  Your elixir is an excellent medicinal compound.  Lydia E. Pinkham would be proud.  P.S. Sending us more samples would be nice.”

I almost became as giddy as Menzie had been.  “Yes, we will definitely build a trophy case.  Two cases, one for those who have left us and one for trophies and maybe this in the middle of a really big case.  Let’s get Tyler Hill working on this personally.”

At that moment, the doors burst open, no knocking at all, and Emmett, Elroy, Irusya, Blaise, and Sophie burst into the room.

Sophie said, “You wouldn’t believe who we ran into at a music festival. … Oh, they beat us here.”

Kanok ran over.  “Soapy!  Emmie!”  Somehow the others were not on Kanok’s radar yet.

Emmett asked, “Where are PawPaw and Grannie Fannie?”

I replied, “PawPaw is taking a nap.  He helped with security last night, and Grannie Fannie is giving our space alien his final certification exam to be a cider house operator.  The exam was Tammie’s idea, but I think she has been talking to the alien.”

Blaise asked, “Have you hired a space alien?”

Missy snickered, “He’s a lovesick young man from southern Georgia, the Georgia in the USA, not the one in eastern Europe that borders the Black Sea.  Julia has a thing for him.”

Irusya laughed, “What else we miss?”

I sighed, “I’ll tell you later, or Missy will.  I want to know how you arrived in the States two days before the pink jet, and you got here after they did.  I mean, they even had to clear immigration and customs this morning.”

Sophie said, “We had to stop in DC to explain the need to fly the big black jet to Europe and then spend time in Scotland.  The room was set up like a congressional hearing.  I don’t think I have ever been so scared.  All the department heads for Jacob Levy’s old organization sitting there staring at us with one seat in the middle vacant, with the name tag of Hugh McAdoo on it.  They berated Jacob for using government funds and equipment for a personal matter.  After all, he was retired.  Jacob explained how the kidnapping was a lure to get him away from his place of safety to kill him.  After all, until a new boss is named, he was still Hugh McAdoo.  Then, Jacob explained how most of the people that were apprehended were wanted criminals in Lithuania and Europe as a whole.  Rescuing Frankie was just a bonus.  But the bad guys knowing how Frankie was related to Hugh McAdoo was a security issue that the organization had to resolve.”

I huffed, “That should not have taken a couple of days.”

Sophie sighed, “That’s when the trouble started.  They had gotten reports from their Lithuanian operatives that the rescue was the best run operation they had ever seen.  It was a model of what could be done.  So, they asked Jacob how he pulled it off, and what was so different.  Jacob explained that the operation was run by the Rogue Scholars and that I had personally run the operation.  That is when he stepped back and I was put in the hot seat.  The entire group of bosses went crazy that a sixteen-year-old ran such an operation.  Jacob told them to calm down and ask their questions in a civil manner.  I laid out the entire operation to them, but I had to mention Blaise’s little toy.”

Blaise nodded, “That’s when I was put in the hotseat.  I had the ‘Design by Tensie’ lawyer with me, who explained that the device was a proprietary device joint owned by ‘Design by Tensie’ and the people who commissioned the research, the Rogue Scholars of the Rogue’s Gallery.  They claimed that this was a case of national security, and they could take the device by force.  But then I said that I would destroy the device and the blueprints if they tried that.  They wanted to know why I would do such a thing.  Was I not a patriot?  I told them that I had not determined whether the device could be weaponized.  Could the power be increased to kill instead of stun?  If I could prevent that, then the Rogue’s Scholars would advertise to the world’s first responders.  But even then, criminals could get the device and neutralize everyone in the bank before robbing it.  I feel like Albert Einstein.  I have discovered something with great benefit if used by morally upstanding people, but it can be a terror in the wrong hands.  Then, Jacob corrected his former employees.  The kidnap of his son was their business.  He said that if he was captured in trying to pay the ransom, they would get every secret from him before they killed him.”

Then Margie appeared from the play area.  “Blaise, I heard what you said.  That was beautiful.  I have missed you so much since you’ve been gone.  I’ve been cleaning up the lab.  Mr. Kaiser is pleased with it and none of your active experiments have been touched. …”  Blaise put a finger to his lips.  He stood and they had a hug, a long hug.

“I have missed you too, and our lawyer gave me a couple of new things to work on.  Are you ready to go to work?” Margie nodded and then grasped his hand in hers and they were gone.

I looked at the remaining world travelers and shrugged, “Did that take two entire days?”

Elroy chuckled, “The brother and sister team are not telling you that the next day they went to the Smithsonian museums, the Museum of the Bible, the US Holocaust Museum, and Arlington National Cemetery.  But don’t worry, I acted as their bodyguard, Irusya and I both.”

I tried to keep a straight face.  “I am sure your sacrifice was worth it.  Now that Blaise and Sophie have a target on their backs, are you expanding your security duties?”

Elroy shrugged, “It’s not that hard since most of the time they are in my sphere of influence anyway.  It’s the school thing that is troubling.”

I added, “I got a note from Irusya that her apartment would be available once her household goods were removed.  Where are you moving?”

Elroy said, “We will be underground.  We have a temporary lodging, but a new one, just like it, is being built nearer my friends that I am supposed to protect.”

I nodded, “Okay, you two hobbits.  Enjoy your hole.”  Irusya reddened, knowing that I had figured out that they had temporarily moved into Mashie Niblick’s old hobbit hole at the Hoity Toity Golf Club.  I also heard through the grapevine that someone had bought a small forested area between the creek that runs behind both the Niblick’s cul-de-sac and Dev Yeggs cul-de-sac.  No road access, just waste land.  Strange “mining” operations are underway near the creek level.  I have a feeling that there will be a ground level exit of the new hobbit hole that will be hidden near the trail that connects the backyards of the Niblick’s, Yeggs’, and Levy’s homes.

As everyone got up to leave, I asked Emmett, Sophie, Samuel and Menzie to stay behind.

I asked them, “Was there any romance with you two couples?  I mean, you went to Europe together.  That’s a great idea for a honeymoon.”

Emmett laughed, “While Sophie was fighting the bad guys, I was babysitting the Niblick’s kids.  Dinah was a little helpful, but she and Jacob were distracted.  All Jacob did was pace the floor.  When Sophie came back, she and I babysat the little ones.  The Levys were with their son, but there was always someone there as a chaperone.  And then Angus found out that we were in Scotland somehow, and I was suddenly practicing the arrangements that I had composed.  There was little time for romance, but we spent some time holding hands and an occasional kiss.”

Sophie said, “When I first got back from Lithuania, I thought the kiss was better than the one at the Snazzy Taz that got videoed and spread around the world on social media, ‘the Kiss’.  I think my successful return was the best, but no cameras running.  Pauline told us to cut it out, a couple of times, yeah, that good of a kiss.”

Samuel said, “Our situation was different in that Menzie’s parents were almost always right there and my mother was there.  We had a couple of long walks in the evening, but otherwise, we did family things together.  And when the Niblicks suddenly showed up at the concert, I ended up having four children to babysit.  Since they all knew each other, except Andrew just being a baby, it was like playing in the nursery here.  But Mommie Pinkie, you know that you can trust us.  Why ask?”

I shrugged, “You four are some of the best kids I know, but if it was me, I would have stretched the limit.  I am very pleased that you are not the way I was at your age.  I think God has something to do with that.”

They left, each couple holding hands.  I was thinking that Sophie and Emmett might head to the waterfall to kiss, but Samuel and Menzie had just arrived from Europe.  If they did not sleep on the plane, they might be saying goodbye and taking a nap.

My “children” were all home.  I am sure that my grief is not done, but I have a lot more pleasant distractions.  I love all those who call me “Mommie Pinkie” or “Aunt Pink,” even those who go astray.

Later that day, I said goodbye to Elroy and Irusya as they collected the last of her things.  It is strange that I shed a few tears.  They will be back tomorrow, their first day of employment as husband and wife.  I have trained Tammie Thompson in the paperwork, and they will not go to their work locations until Tammie has gotten them to change their marital status on the forms.

Credits

At the time of this writing, the Scaffold continue to make appearances together, all three in their eighties.  Here is an early video recording of their version of Lily the Pink.  It is a bit hard to understand, a combination of British accent, British euphemisms, and such.

And the Irish Rovers covered this song with their own verses within months of the Scaffold making their version a number one hit song.  The Rovers are much more careful to enunciate their lyrics.

Note that the device that Blaise created, an altogether fictional device, is a proprietary secret.  No one requires the secret formulas for various famous recipes to be divulged.  A soft drink and fried chicken come to mind.  This means that these things are not protected under patent law, but with patent law, enough information is in the patent for someone to reverse engineer it.  This being a device that could become a lethal weapon, the lawyer has suggested to Blaise that the device and the specifications and drawings for it be locked up instead of pursuing a patent.

And congratulations to Scottie Scheffler in his first Open Championship win at Royal Portrush, Northern Ireland. And a special shoutout to Chris Gotterup who won the Scottish Open the previous week and finished third in the Open Championship behind Scheffler and Harris English. USA took the top three spots this year.