Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

I had a very odd crew coming into my office this afternoon.  Or should I say that the extended Turtle crew was coming in so that I could do a little bit of the “magic” that I do.

I do not do magic.  I pray a lot, and if I have the means to help the situation, I use my resources.  If the mission downtown is affected, we work out a deal so that some of what I do is tax deductible, but if not, I take it on the chin.  But all Home Wrecker would tell me was that two young meteorological students nearly did something stupid and the one that did the stupid thing will not talk about it.  She wants me to get them both talking to see if my resources might help.

But it was a strange group of people when there were only two that were involved in the stupid act.  I might have to clear the room to get at the truth.

The core Turtle Team was all in attendance, Home Wrecker (Dr. Ellie), B.B. (Mary), Easy (Easter Yeggs), and Stinker (Jemima Yeggs).  Joseph and Joseline from the backups, and the new kids that were not officially Turtle team members, Fred and Wilma.  They must have waited in the Living Room, my unofficial waiting area, until everyone was there.

I asked, “And what is the problem here?  Jemima has done very well with her little girl talks.  Can you not handle one person doing something stupid on your own?”

Home Wrecker shrugged, “Girl talks would work if the girl would talk.  As Fred talked to me, they left the police precinct after the quelled riot at the Snazzy Taz. He said he drove home due to being too tired to drive to the far side of town.  While he was getting the number for a car service, he turned around and his date was naked from the waist up.  She kissed him and said that she is all his.  Somebody must have some deep-seated issues to do that at the end of their first official date, but Wilma is not talking.  She says she made a stupid mistake.  She knew Fred had the hots for her and she thought if she made the first move, he would not be able to resist.  Before we get to the bottom of this, I want to know what is wrong with Fred that he would not take her to bed.”

Fred groaned, “You said something during the hurricane watch.  I asked you if you had to be a Christian to be on the Turtle team, and you said, ‘Give it time.’”

I snorted, “Dr. Ellie, that may not have been the right thing to say.”

Home Wrecker said, “I apologized, but there are two ways to interpret the remark.  I could be prophetic, although Stinker is still Stinker.  She makes being a Christian look like great fun.  She’s contagious.  But the other way to read my comment was for Fred to keep an open mind.  When you are around the core Turtle team members, you experience fun, but you also experience love and caring for other people.  The Christian walk starts to make sense.”

Fred nodded, “So, I have snuck into the Vespers services here a few times.”

I laughed again, “No one sneaks in.  Security knows who comes in and they have a record of such intrusions, but during the services, they keep a low profile, just in case someone is trying to learn more about Jesus.”

Fred shrugged, “Whatever, but Home Wrecker’s comment has haunted me.  Then the girl that I have fantasized doing exactly what she did was all over me, and I have no idea where the alarm bells came from, but I said this was too early.  And if she did not get her clothing back on, I might not be able to resist.”

Home Wrecker nodded, “Yeah, so why did you resist?  Your dreams were coming true.”

Fred nearly cried, “The alarm bells that I did not know that I had were saying that one fling right then might never last but waiting a while longer and it would last for a lifetime.”

This entire time, Wilma was looking at the floor.

I asked, “Okay, what led to this almost love making incident?”

Fred said, “We had backstage passes to the Snazzy Taz.  I guess you heard about the fight and how we went to the detective precinct to be interviewed.  We did not leave the precinct until after 2:00am.  Gisele had gotten coffee from the beanery down the street.  Wilma and I were wired.  We took the van back to here and I had my car parked at the bakery.  We got on the loop, supposedly to get off on the east side of Tracy, where Wilma lives with her Mom.  Wilma said that her Mom never gave her a curfew, but it was our first date.  I didn’t want to be the bad boyfriend that did not get her home until early the next morning.  But then Wilma said that she’d never taken a full lap around the loop.  Well after nearly two full laps, we pulled off at the Waffle House in the County Line area, the Stout County Line.  We had waffles and more coffee, but with a full stomach, I started getting sleepy.  I explained that I would take us to my apartment near the university and call for a ride service to take her home.  I never hinted there were fringe benefits when we got to my place.  And then when I was focusing on my phone to make the call, she was taking her clothes off.”

Wilma said, “Only my top.  That’s as far as it went, but I did say those things to him.”

Home Wrecker said, “And she will not explain why.  In my life, I started that way, Mommie Pinkie.  I made so many mistakes, and I have talked to the ladies in meteorological classes about that very thing.  But like you say, we cannot force our moral code onto someone else.”

Wilma said, “Can I clarify one thing?  I have never had a boy put his thing where it might make a baby, not ever.  I am really not that kind of a girl.  My older sister couldn’t say that, but I can.”  And then she went back to staring at the floor.

I asked, “Wilma, Fred said your Mom’s house.  What about your Dad?”

Wilma huffed, “I don’t have one.”

I shrugged, “I have not heard of any immaculate conceptions in Tracy.  There has to be a Dad.”

Wilma groaned, “There has to be sperm, but that just makes you a jerk who had sex with your Mom.  When the birth certificate says ‘father unknown’ I do not have a Dad.  My last name is Slay because that was the only guy my Mom was sleeping with at the time she got pregnant with me, but since Mr. Slay was her boss, she put ‘unknown’ since Mr. Slay was married.”

“Is your sister a daughter of Mr. Slay, too?” I asked.

Wilma shook her head.  “Mom was married to a mechanic named Runyan.  Mom was a private secretary and then the company’s administrative assistant.  They lived in what had been Mr. Runyan’s grandparent’s home. She got pregnant with Betty…”

I groaned, “Her boyfriend is Fred, and she has a sister named Betty.  This is too much coincidence.”

Wilma moaned, “But when Betty was born, Mom was waiting for her husband to show up at the hospital, but he was at home packing a bag and leaving town.  No one ever found him or the car.  All that was missing was a suitcase amount of his clothing and his toothbrush. For extra cash, Mom started working at a bar about a block away from the house, but tips were terrible.  Her boss for her day job was Mr. Merry.  At least that’s what Mom says.  He said she was already topped out as the top paid secretary in the company, but then he suggested that she try to seduce him, pretending he was a potential customer.  Mr. Merry changed her employment status the next day to marketing assistant.  She still acted as the administrative assistant, but then when a customer came to town, she would seduce him to seal the deal on a big contract.  But a year later, the economy tanked.  Mr. Merry had a heart attack.  He didn’t die, but he retired.  Mr. Slay took over.  He asked why a secretary was making so much, and since the lack of customers meant she was not sleeping with any, she had to sleep with him to keep her pay.  I came into the world, and Mr. Slay left the company.  The next boss was Mr. Gruber.  He slept with Mom once, and then he dropped her pay back to secretary pay and offered her a commission when her sleeping with the customer sealed the contract.  Mom studied the way the sales managers did their job so that she could close the deal without them, thus getting the commission.  The economy rebounded, but the commissions were slow in getting started.  Mom went back to the bar.  She would bring customers home.  Until then, she had done her sleeping around elsewhere and Betty and I had a babysitter.  Mom left the door open, and Betty hid in the shadows.  She had to watch everything.  I went to bed and put a pillow over my head.  When I was eleven and Betty was 13, Mom had ‘the talk’ with us.  She basically encouraged us to have sex, but only after we were on the pill at fifteen.  Betty took all types of chances for the next two years.  She wanted me to watch, but I didn’t.  So, now everybody knows my dirty secret.  Betty left a year ago.  I think she is in California working in the porn industry.  The only way that I know she is still alive is that she shipped me a case of California wine a couple of months ago.  She said that she knew I wouldn’t have sex, but I might as well get drunk, and I was too young to buy any myself.  And before you ask.  Mom still brings a guy home on occasion, and she sometimes stays at the customer’s hotel overnight.  I have a key, and I can come and go as I please whether she is awake, sober, or knocked out cold.”

I texted Rota to see if we had an efficiency apartment available.  Wilma was in a toxic home life, and somehow, she felt the need to attach herself to Fred.

I asked, “Wilma, dear, when was the first time a boy kissed you?”

Wilma looked at me in shock.  I had asked the right question, but would she clam up or break down?  Her eyes filled with tears, and she looked at the floor again.  I tossed a box of tissues to Home Wrecker, and she handed them to Wilma.  Fred was sitting close enough to reach a hand over and hold her hand.  I think the thought that Fred was not a lost cause helped her drum up the courage to answer the question.

Wilma looked up at me.  “There was a boy two doors down the street who was Betty’s age.  Betty wasn’t interested in him, so I started following him everywhere when he was eight and I was six.  Eight years later, I was about to graduate to Diet Smith High School, and Bobby turned around, knowing that I would be right behind him.  He said, “Now that you are officially going to high school, you will now be my girlfriend.  He leaned over and kissed me on the lips.  It was heavenly.  I had followed him for eight years and it worked.”

I sighed, “But then high school is complicated.  Your idyllic love affair became messed up.  Am I right?”

Again Wilma looked shocked, “How did you know?  Anyway, I was a freshman on the cheerleading squad.  Bobby was a wide receiver on the football team, small forward on the basketball team, and centerfielder on the baseball team.  He knew they had a pecking order within the cheerleaders and there was a pecking order on the ball teams.  We each needed proof that we were intimate.  At first, they were satisfied with him having a hickey near the beltline, and for me near the bra line.  But as that school year went on, they became more insistent.  I finally cranked up the nerve to take my top off, but every time Bobby wanted to go below the beltline, I refused.  Then the next year, we went below the beltline, but I refused to have him put anything inside any part below the waist.  Does that make sense?”  I nodded.  “But then on Valentine’s Day, he and I were totally naked, and I again refused.  He got forceful, but he did not rape me.  I broke free and ran to the bathroom.  When I came out, he was sleeping with both my sister and my Mom.  I got dressed and ran out of the house.  After that day, he would come by the house to see if Betty or my Mom was available, but he and I never spoke to each other again.  And I swore that if I ever fell in love, I wasn’t going to get cold feet the next time.”

And there it was.  She equated consummating the deal to hanging onto what she loved.  Her inner voice that said she did not want to do that had stolen her first love from her and she was determined that her second love was not going to get away.  Stinker, Home Wrecker, B.B., and Joseph all nodded.  Now that she had told her two dark secrets, they had the information they needed to help her understand what was wrong with her thinking, whether she accepted Jesus in the process or not.

Then Fred cleared his voice.  “Mommie Pinkie, my landlord is going to raise my rent once my lease is up next month.  My scholarship and my parent’s money are good for now, but not after the rent hike.  I hear you have apartments here.”

I held up one finger for him to wait.  I called Rota.  She was not working, and she would be delayed getting there.  I think she and her husband were “busy” due to the soft noises in the background.

While we waited for Rota to arrive, Home Wrecker had an announcement.

She said, “This past year is behind us.  We survived Stinker not being on the crew very often.  Skinny and Amazon have filled in as photographers.  And B.B. does a good job there when someone else can run the radar.  We were really hampered during my maternity leave.  We have fallen into Dr. Kildare’s master plan of being the teaching storm chasing team.  That means there will always be rookies and non-regular members of the team coming and going.  But it will not work full time without a fully trained substitute for Easy, B.B., and me.  B.B. and my husband, Mama’s Man, can fill in for me.  Dr. Kildare on a rare storm chase.  But that leaves a need to replace Easy and B.B. …”

Amazon said, “Kevin can drive.”

Home Wrecker nodded, “But since he and you are the Stinker replacement since you have full loads in other university departments, Skinny cannot be a primary replacement for Easy.  I am thinking that Flintstone here could be trained at the police academy, along with Skinny.  Easy, are you ready to go into teacher mode?”  Easy smiled and nodded.  He rarely said much anyway.

Fred said, “What’s this Flintstone business?”

Home Wrecker said, “That’s your codename Freddie boy.  I was stumped as to what to call you, but with you having a love interest with Hoople, how could I resist?  B.B. run those code names past the lawyers.  We want no trouble there.”

Wilma emerged from her tissue long enough to say, “Hoople?  What’s a Hoople?”

Home Wrecker said, “In the cartoon show, Wilma Flintstone had a few different maiden names, but once they got their backstory ironed out, she was born Wilma Slaghoople.  Your last name is Slay, not slag, but we can overlook that.  You are now Hoople.  Maybe not right now with the tears running down your face, but you are even more ravishingly beautiful than B.B.  No offense, B.B.”  Mary said she agreed. “You want to be an on-camera personality.  I suggest you take a few more classes in the radio and television department in film editing, directing, producing, etc.  No one can fully replace B.B.  But if we do not get a full-time replacement, B.B. is going to work herself into an early grave.  Now, before you can fully become Turtle members, you will have to join our girl talks.  We are presently meeting with Arabella Dalton, a fourteen-year-old who can talk about as much as you can.”

Wilma snickered, “Arabella and I were roommates on the hurricane data collection this summer.  We are already friends.”

Home Wrecker nodded, “I thought so.  Our leader is Stinker.  In the girl talks, we are all equals.  We will go by first names or a derivative thereof.  I am simply Ellie, even with Fireball. Fireball is Belle, not Arabella.”

Wilma nodded, “And I let Belle call me Wil, not Willie, but Wil.”

Jemima and I know why GrandPa hates being called Millie except by certain women.  We burst out laughing.  Stinker, still laughing, said, “Sorry!  It’s a long family story, top secret, but we will comply with Wil, never to be called Willie.  Ummm, Amazon, do you want in on the girl talks?  That makes the crew Dr. Ellie, you, Mary, Belle, Wil, and me.”

Amazon was obviously excited being in on the inner heartbeat of the Turtle Team, and I think that is what makes the team go.  Ellie and Mary both became Christians through their friendships with Jemima.  This was going to be better therapy for Wilma “Hoople” Slay, or is it Slay “Hoople”?

And I had to think about how all this happened.  Wilma opened up because I asked some simple, non-threatening questions.  And then, when the question seemed so easy to answer and possibly a pleasant memory, it hit the spot that hurt.  But without Fred holding her hand, she might have clammed up.  I have experience with this stuff, but praying and letting God lead is the most important part.

Then Rota came into the office.  “I got a text about an efficiency apartment and then I got a call that made it sound more complicated.  We have an efficiency on the first floor between the Jones apartment and the nursery.  I have been leaving it open for emergencies.  I keep thinking that the Jones will start a family.  They can convert the room Joseph is using for a counseling office into a bedroom for the children, and then he can do his counseling in the efficiency apartment.  But we have one apartment on the third floor that can be a multiple of bedrooms, one to four bedrooms, and another that is limited to a two-bedroom apartment.  No efficiency apartments except in the apartment building furthest from the campus.  That puts whoever moves there among a lot of female employees.”

I bowed my head in prayer.  It got rather quiet.  I looked at Rota.  “I think you might recognize the couple from the other night when you danced at the Snazzy Taz.  They were in the wings.  Put Wilma in the efficiency on the first floor.  Put Fred in the two-bedroom on the third floor.  Even if B.B. is about to make an announcement, they will probably want the baby in their bedroom for the first few months.  That gives us a year to shuffle things around.  We could have people get married and move into their husband’s house.  I think we had that happen recently.”

Rota’s face reddened, “Anything that I could do to help the housing shortage, Mommie Pinkie.”

I tried to keep a straight face, but I lost it.  Then a thought came to mind.  “Would the ver Waarloosd family want a bigger apartment?  I think they like their neighbors, but we’ll see.  We are doing fine for now.  Fred will have more apartment than he needs.  And who knows what will happen next year.”

B.B. said, “Can I make a request, Home Wrecker?  Can Mommie Pinkie get the code name of Stinker?  How did she know I was about to announce that Joseph and I are expecting?  Wilma arrived just in time.”

Home Wrecker shouted, “Next girl talk is in the only Stinker’s apartment.  The attire is naughty lingerie, the nastier, the better.  We are planning a baby shower.  Easy, if you arrive with your usual supply of multi-flavored popcorn, knock before entering or you may see more than you are allowed to see.  I think I may give Fireball the set of naughty nighties that I have been holding back on giving her.  She wants to think she is all grown up.”

Wilma whined, ”But I don’t have any naughty lingerie.”

I was already on the phone.  “Sis?  Can you come into my office, we have someone who needs some special lingerie. …  A meteorological student, a boyfriend but they are just starting their dating.  And she looks like she could model the things in your catalog.  How fast?  …  Two-day delivery on everything except the custom designed attire?  That works perfectly.”

Wilma’s face reddened.

Home Wrecker laughed, “Two apartments and naughty lingerie for the traumatized female.  Now that is Mommie Pinkie at her best.”

We were all hugging and congratulating Mary when Gwen came into the room.

Gwen said, “Great skin tone.  Great hair, but she may need to see Hannah Bandana for some styling.  And, wow!  That is a figure that won’t stop.  I am going to buy extra, but she’ll have to give me a private fashion show.  I want to know what these things look like on a body that seems designed for this stuff.  Those catalog photos just do not do this stuff justice.”

I said, “As CEO, I invite myself to the fashion show.”

Home Wrecker added, “As professor and chief of storm chasing, I will be there too.  As for the rest of you, you will have to dream of what we will see, and you will not see it.”

Fred quipped, “Then again, we can do a lot of dating, really fast.”

Gwen turned to leave, and Wilma said, “But I haven’t told you my size.”

All but Fred and Wilma laughed as Gwen left the room.  They did not know Gwen Quinn’s superpower, exact fit every time.

Then Amazon made a suggestion, “Mommie Pinkie, might I suggest a transition like Kevin and I had?  I want to give back.  We can have Wilma stay with us, sleeping on the couch.  Maybe if Stinker doesn’t mind, Fred can stay with them so that Easy and Fred can talk about driving skills and such.”

I nodded, “That’s a great idea.  We can have more time to move their things over and some up with the reason Wilma is moving.”

Amazon suggested, “That’s easy.  This is the Turtle’s sleeping quarters except for the doctors Casey.  They are now Turtle-eers.”

And it was all coming together.  They had both listened to a voice in their heads that said something was not quite right.  They already listened to God, without being aware it was His voice.

Credits

I taught in industry for thirty years.  If I needed a two-person human illustration, I used Fred and Wilma.  If there was a third or fourth person needed in the story, I added Betty and Barney.  It was just the way my brain works.  And since the cartoon show has existed in one form or another for decades, sometimes reruns or television commercials, everyone in class would snicker, and maybe even pay closer attention.  I cannot believe it has taken me this long to have a The Flintstones reference in these stories.

The idea of sleeping with customers might be done, probably is done, but our company stuck to visits to the strip clubs and a lot of alcohol consumption.  We had no secretaries sleeping with customers.  That is something that I added to a fictional story.  And I have still never visited a strip club, gentlemen’s club, etc.  I did walk out of a mandatory party in the Army while a stripper was gyrating, but I left before she removed anything.

My first date with my future wife was nearly an all-nighter.  We went to dinner.  We took a walk along the seawall (the levee along the intercoastal waterway).  And then my future wife asked me, “Have you ever been to Galveston, Texas?  It’s only a two-hour drive along the beach, ferry depending.”  The next thing I knew we took the ferry to Galveston from Bolivar Peninsula and we played miniature golf on the beach below the seawall about one in the morning, with a two hour drive, ferry dependent, still awaiting us back to Port Arthur, TX.  Yes, I started off as the bad boyfriend, but it was her suggestion.  We were having so much fun getting to know each other that we did not want the date to end so fast.  And I did not stop off at my apartment during the date.  She was living with her parents, and their home was on the way back to my apartment from Galveston.