Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I am Mashie Niblick.  I am presently employed as the greenskeeper of the Hoity Toity Golf Club in the big city of Tracy. My wife, Pauline, was playing with our children on the back porch.  Baffy, our daughter, was two years old, but she told everyone she was three years old since her birthday was less than three months away.  Andrew was a nine-month-old boy who was the strong silent type, until he wanted something.

We had returned from our European “vacation” about two months ago when we and the Rogue Scholars rescued Frankie, Dinah and Jacob’s oldest son, and we have used that time to our advantage.  We got a dog run built in our backyard, specifically for our beagle, Beauty.  She is a lovely beagle, and she loves the children.  The dog run is a design by Tensie special, with climate control sleeping quarters and if we need to cage her, the large exercise area is great for Beauty to do her business.  Being a beagle, Beauty is an outside dog, but the dog run will keep her safe and warm through the cold winters.

Elroy had an invisible fence installed.  The dogs could roam from our yard through his and down the paths to the Yeggs and Levys.  They could even roam into the front yard of the Levys.

Oh, yes, “dogs” means that as the security chief to protect us, Elroy has added two dogs of his own.  Okay, two dogs masquerading as small horses.  Perry is a male Great Pyrenees and Caulk is a female Caucasian Shepherd.  The federal government is paying for their food, which is more than the rest of us can eat.  Well, not when I am hungry.  Elroy got breeds that were great with children.  To be honest, German Shepherds would have been fine.  Both of these dogs were their breed mixed with a German Shepherd, but Elroy wanted the giant teddy bears for the children and something that would scare assailants half to death.  Since there was a leash law in Tracy, the dogs frightening animal control was a bonus.

Elroy, being a cyber security specialist, tricked out the dog collars with GPS, cameras, and speakers.  The dogs got freaked at first, but they seem to enjoy what happens now.  The gear allows Elroy to experience what threat the dogs encounter even when he is not at home.

Pauline said that she heard a commotion, and she was going to watch from the Levys’ front porch.  I tuned in by the Levys’ front porch security camera over the computer.  If this was a group of rookies from animal control, this was going to be hilarious.

The animal control agents were rookies, Lester and Olive.  They got to the curb and the dogs lined up by size Caulk, Perry, and Beauty.  Of course, Beauty was almost small enough to walk underneath the other two without bending over.

Lester spoke into his radio.  “We are on Chester Lane, halfway to the cul-de-sac.  We have two dogs in the front yard without leashes.  How should we proceed?”

Their supervisor said, “Is that the street where the police detective lives?”

Lester asked, “How should I know?  These dogs are huge.  They have vests and collars.  The collars are rather unusual.  I can’t see if the vests have anything written on them.  They could be service dogs of some kind, but that does not change things.  They are off the leash.”

Caulk said, in an Eastern European accent, “We cannot do job if on leash.”

Perry added, “Yeah, Bozo.”

Caulk said, “Perry, be polite.  Next time you go to training class, work on polite.  Besides, when you have not been polite, the meat tastes funny when we eat them.”

Olive asked, “Eat who?”

Perry asked, “Should that not be whom?”

Caulk said, “Eat the animal control agents.  Who else?”

Lester asked, “Who’s talking?  Is your owner hiding on the front porch?”

Jacob replied, “You are talking to the dogs.  Never mind us.  We are just watching all the fun.”

Caulk said, “Beauty, go home.  This is a job for the big dogs.”  With that, Beauty ran to the backyard, down the hidden trail and into her dog run.  I confirmed she was there using the camera inside the dog run.  I clicked the button to give her a treat.  We always reward her, even when the command she follows is from one of the other dogs.  Caulk then turned toward Olive.  “You, the female agent.  Look me in the eyes.”

Olive asked, “Which one?”

Caulk sighed, “Why does animal control keep sending the rookies over here?  The Caucasian Shepherd, agent.  The larger of the two dogs.”

Olive said, “But that’s confusing.  The white dog is the smaller of the two dogs.”

Perry said, “Hey!  Caulk and I are the same weight!”

Caulk said, “You can lose a few pounds, Perry.  I have identified Olive Richardson, hired as an agent two weeks ago, probably been in training and today is the first day on patrol.  Nice to meet you, Olive.  I’m Caulk, Caucasian Shepherd dog.  So named for being a breed from the Caucasus Mountains in Eastern Europe.  Sorry, I speak with accent. White dog is Perry, Great Pyrenees, but somehow Perry not so great at times.”

Perry said, “Hey!  We are a team, and you should be nice to your teammate.  Who is the other bigger guy?  And if we have to eat them, I want him.  The last time, I got those small female ribs stuck in my teeth.”

Caulk said, “Big guy, Lester Moore, hired same day as Olive.  And I have no idea what you say about tiny ribs.  I use ribs like toothpicks.”

Lester, into the radio, “Someone said that an animal control agent was eaten.”

The supervisor, over the radio, “We have not had an animal control agent lost by being eaten.  Those two like to make up stories.”

Lester, into the radio, “You know these two dogs can talk?  Why wasn’t that in the training?”

The supervisor, over the radio, “Sure I knew, but if I had told you, you would think I’m crazy.  Now, when you get back to a staff meeting, be careful who you tell this story to.  They might call the guys with the white coats and large butterfly nets.  And whatever you do, do not step past the curb.”

Baffy yelled, “Perry!  Caulk!  Do your job!”  Then she giggled.

Caulk said, “I have my eyes on these two.  You go see about Baffy.”

Perry turned and went toward the front porch.  “Baffy, is Andrew with you?”

Baffy giggled, “Of course he is!”

Perry said, “Great!  Jacob, Dinah, Pauline, Andrew, and Baffy.  Where’s Mashie?”

Pauline said, “He had some paperwork to work on.  He’s at home alone.  No, Beauty is with him.”

Perry said, “Just like the bad guys to cause a distraction and go after the one left behind.  Hmmm.  I detect the security system is functioning properly and Beauty would bark if anyone came from the creek.  But I am disappointed.  Where’s my bosses and the popcorn?”

At that moment, Elroy and Irusya came out the front door and offered popcorn to Jacob, Dinah, and Pauline.  Pauline put Andrew on the porch steps and Baffy sat next to him.

Baffy said, “I know the rules, Mommie.  When Perry and Caulk are in protection, Andrew and I do not run and play.  But Perry can snuggle.”

When Perry approached Andrew, Olive thought there was danger, and she stepped onto the curb.  Caulk went into attack mode.  She barked loudly and ferociously and ran up to Olive, who quickly backed off the curb.  Caulk stopped inches from the curb.

About that point, Lt. Dev Yeggs walked up behind the animal control agents.  He was laughing.

Lester said, “I don’t know who you are, but we may have to use deadly force.”

Caulk said, “Good luck with that, Lester.”

Dev Yeggs said, “Thanks for the name, Caulk.  Lester, these two dogs are federal agents.  You would be in a lot of trouble if you used deadly force.”

Lester asked, “Are you their owner?  They need to be on a leash.  What’s your name, Sir?”

Dev Yeggs flipped out his shield, “No, I am not their owner.  I am Lt. Deviled Yeggs, Homicide.  I came over with my little girl to see if my services might be needed.”

Caulk said, “No one has died yet, Lieutenant.  But Olive here, make dangerous movement.”

Lester said, “This is bad news.  We have a dangerous situation here.  The mayor would be upset if someone got hurt.  How can these talking dogs be federal agents?  Why are they here?”

Dev Yeggs said, “Protection, ummm.  What’s your full name?”

Caulk said, “Lester Moore.”

Dev Yeggs snickered, “Les Moore.  Nice name.  With a name like Deviled Yeggs, I shouldn’t laugh, but Caulk, he could shorten the name to Les Moore.”

Caulk asked, “How can less be more?  English!  Terrible language.  Perry, quit playing with Andrew.  I can hear him laughing.  That means you rubbing fur in face.  Come get Gloria Grace and take her, see Baffy.”  Perry walked up and Gigi came out of the shadows and put her hand on a handle of the vest and they walked to where Baffy and Andrew were seated on the steps.”

Dev Yeggs explained, “See, they are ordinary dogs.  They are very loyal to family.  We have possibly the largest invisible fence in Tracy.  The dogs have four yards in which to run and trails that connect those yards.  The two big dogs are federal agents.  If I told you why and who they are protecting, someone would probably shoot you to maintain that secret.  As for the rest of the ones who are in the invisible fence enclosure, they are simply family.”

Lester asked, “But shouldn’t the mayor or somebody know about this?”

Dev Yeggs laughed, “I think my nephew, Mayor Boaz knows.  And I think your boss knows and he sends the rookies here to see what will happen.”

Caulk said, “Is Mayor Boaz coming?  I like his wife, Cassie.”

Dev Yeggs shrugged, “See there.  Even Caulk knows the mayor and his wife.”

Lester said, “But there needs to be a report.  I was taught to always write a report.”

Pauline walked up, “And, Lester, what do you write in the report?  You saw two dogs that were not on a leash.  The dogs talked to you and explained they were protecting critical federal assets.  And the dogs tried to scare you into thinking they would eat you, but otherwise they are harmless.  What would your comrades in arms say about that crazy report?”

Perry walked up, “Besides, Caulk and I do not do well on a leash.”

Caulk added, “Speak for yourself, Buster!”

Pauline frowned, “So, you see, Lester, as the old saying goes…  ‘These are not the dogs you are looking for.’”

Caulk asked, “I thought that was saying about droids?”

Pauline moaned, “Don’t over think it, Caulk.  And besides, with dogs this size, no other animal in their right mind would be caught dead on Chester or Edna Lanes.  Understand?”

Perry added, “I think the poodle next door was neurotic before we got here.”

Dev Yeggs laughed, “I can confirm that, Perry.”

Lester and Olive returned to their van, and they drove away.

Elroy said, “Sorry, kids.  Playtime is over with Perry and Caulk.  Perry!  Caulk!  Base!  Double treat!”

The dogs ran to the backyard where the trail led to the Hobbit Hole.  There was even a fake cedar tree with a doggie door big enough for the oversized dogs.

Pauline asked, “I thought dogs understood just a few words.”

Elroy chuckled, “Their names?  Yes!  Base! That means go home to their pens.  The Double Treat was a command for the treat dispenser to have two treats for each of them waiting on them when they get there.  Mashie’s is low tech.  He has to push a button.”

Pauline mused, “I have another question.  Every time in the past, you and Irusya have spoken into a microphone for your voices to come out the speakers on the dog collars.  It was hilarious watching Olive.  She was trying to see the dog’s lips moving, and I think she was convinced that they were moving.  But you sat on the front porch and laughed along with us.”

Irusya walked up, “You know that city in the Promise Land where Joshua lost battle?  That it!”

Pauline asked, “Ai?  There was sin in the army camp and God needed to teach them a lesson.  What does that city have to do with the dogs talking on their own?”

Irusya asked, “How spell?”

Pauline snickered, “A-I.  You use artificial intelligence now?  That was very convincing AI.”

Elroy smiled, “I programmed the AI to pick up on our improper English at times, our sarcasm, and AI remembers the past conversations, like eating the last animal control agents who came by.  And while the mayor knows how they talk, no one at animal control knows.  I’d like to keep it that way.  And with the AI, once we are confident of few glitches, Irusya and I will not have to respond as often.  It will be the dog’s instinct, the AI communicating, and cameras recording everything.  The bit about Perry coming over and picking up Gigi is a part of the protocol that Irusya insisted that I program in, even the snarky line about tickling the children with his hair.  He does it often enough, so when Caulk’s microphone picks up the children’s laughter, and only theirs, she blames Perry with goofing off.  But Perry picking up Gigi is part of the protection protocol.  Perry loves doing that when they are in heightened alert anyway.  If it were up to Caulk, she’d pick the child up in her mouth and carry her to safety.  This way of being like a guide dog is more parent friendly.”

Dev Yeggs observed, “And the Levys have a curbside rural mailbox so that the mail can be delivered without the mail carrier getting in the danger area.  Funny, I never thought the dog and the mail carrier thing was anything other than a myth.”

Elroy snickered, “And Mashie and Dinah use the Hoity Toity for their package deliveries, since they both work there.  And the invisible fence does not extend to the front yard for the Yeggs home.”

Pauline laughed, “We’ll never tell anyone about how the dogs talk.  It would spoil the fun.  But why a Caucasian Shepherd and a Great Pyrenees?  Sure, they are each half German Shepherd.”

Elroy said, “This is all experimental.  All three breeds are great guard dogs and deal well with families, but for different reasons.  Perry is calm, more calm than a German Shepherd, but Perry has picked up on the German Shepherd’s intelligence, since the Pyrenees barks a lot and is hard to train, not impossible, but a stubborn streak.  The Caucasian Shepherd strongly bonds to family but is very aggressive with anyone else.  We have a strict ‘getting to know you’ ceremony with both dogs, but it is more necessary with Caulk.  Again, German Shepherd blend hopefully makes Caulk less overall aggressive and both dogs easier to train.  You do realize that the Caucasian Shepherd’s nickname is the ‘wolf killer.’  Besides, breeding with the German Shepherd lowers the size a little and it costs less to feed the dogs, but being federal agents, the government provides the food.  Neither of the two are fixed, so we hope to be training the pups in the not-too-distant future.  That will add the traits of all three breeds, and hopefully in a good mix.  And by the way, we will soon get another dog, another female, Rhoda, a Rhodesian Ridgeback.  About the same size as a German Shepherd, same problems in training with Caulk and Perry, protective of family, hard to train, but more of an independent thinker instead of being stubborn.  It seems our bosses outside of DC want me to be the experimenter of guard dogs.  I had to go open my mouth and ask for a big raise.  Now they are putting me to work.”

Dev Yeggs asked, “Glyce, I mean Naomi, is bugging me to ask you where you went on your honeymoon.”

Irusya huffed, “Some honeymoon!  We had our time in Lithuania and Latvia, but we went to a dog school.  That is where we meet Perry, Caulk, and Rhoda.  Rhoda not finish training when we came home.  And before asking, underground house not finish.  Dog rooms finish.  Kitchen finish. One bedroom okay enough to sleep.  And bathroom not finish.”

Pauline asked, “How do you manage taking a bath?”

Elroy winked, “Shower is like the Yeggs shower, for two people and jets everywhere.  That is great!  But the double occupancy bubble bath with the jets in the right places is on back order.  So, that goes in and then they can cover the concrete floor with something decorative.  Irusya is particular with those details.  And since she has never read the books, she thinks Hobbit Hole is kind of weird.”

Credits

The Perils of Pauline was a movie serial started in 1914. It defined many serials that followed, including the Perils of Pauline “moment,” the cliffhanger that caused you to return to the theater for the next installment.

In a previous Misadventures of Pauline Niblick story, Meeting a Stranger with Danger, Pauline and the children had their trip to the dog park interrupted.  This, in a way, is the follow-up.  I started this series of short stories with Deviled Yeggs and his partner Jim Wednesday and it has grown into an ever-growing family of characters, but I had neglected dogs.  Now we have some dogs.  As for cats, I think that Deviled Yeggs is allergic to cat dander.  Sorry.

As for the choice of Beauty as the dog’s name, my grandfather had a beagle named Beauty.  All the beagles that ran around the turkey farm like they owned it were descended from Beauty.  While I claimed all the puppies, Beauty was Granddaddy’s dog.

The invisible fence keeps the dogs in the enclosure of the buried “fence” in three dimensions.  The height is adjustable, necessary due to the elevation changes and overhead bridges to avoid the neighbor’s yards.

Artificial Intelligence is adaptable, but it must learn the way to respond and what to say in certain situations.  Thus, to an extent, AI can learn to be sarcastic.  As for Olive looking at Caulk, the AI was using the camera to do facial recognition.  Lester had already looked directly at the dogs enough to be identified.  That satisfied the AI algorithm, but not the dogs.  Perry would be on guard due to his training.  For Caulk, they were not family until the acceptable getting-to-know-you routine was performed, and then with time, they could become family.  And after all this research, my grandson who wants to be a veterinarian suggested a Rhodesian Ridgeback, nickname of “the lion killer”.  Same issues in training.  And in seeing the photos, the Rhodesian Ridgeback reminded me of my half-beagle in my teenaged years, Big Red.  We never knew who the father was.  Big Red was twice the size of a beagle, but with the same trim lines, and solid red (light brown) except for the usual white beagle belly and feet.