Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

Both brides called separately to ask if Halloween was open for a wedding in the afternoon.  They were planning to have a double wedding.  They had basically been inseparable since Guy Weiss was injected with a poison and it looked like he might not make it.  It has been a year and a half since then.  Polly Pulice was Guy Weiss’ partner.  Minnie Others was Guy’s girlfriend.  The story is found in two stories, Cheese Block Head and A Wise Guy Wakes Up.  Polly and Minnie became best friends.  Guy proposed to Minnie before he left the hospital.  Polly was in love with a doctoral candidate with Naomi Yeggs’ department at T.R.U.S.T. and she picked up the nickname of the Holy Terror, getting in a doctor’s face until he listened to her information regarding the poison.  They have had over a year to plan, and they choose Halloween?!  What were they thinking?!

Okay, any time was good for Polly, or bad since she is in demand at the police precinct.  She assists the detectives, she trains rookies, and she rarely sits in the rocking chair, purchased by Guy Weiss, who is now the desk sergeant, a skill he learned while convalescing from the poisoning.  Guy was free anytime, but Handsy Randy (Randell Handel) would be, this next semester, going up for his oral boards, getting his doctorate, trying to set up the first clinic for the first ever Kinesiological Psychology therapy center (commercially).  And as for Minnie, soccer was finished for the Fall league and basketball would not start in earnest until the new year, she being the women’s head coach at Central Baptist.

And as for their theme, it would be a masquerade party.  All the bridesmaids in the wedding parties, for both brides, would be girls from Minnie’s different sports teams.  And all the men would be police officers.  They would all wear their uniforms (police or sports) with a mask.  The flower girls, ring bearers, and children holding the two trains would be whatever they were going to be later that night at the Lily the Pink Tree Trunk or Treat party.  There would be superheroes, maybe a football player or two, some princesses and fairies.  A mixture of everything.  Minnie finally got one of the Baptist pastors to agree to their strange scheme.  And Rev C.S.L. was already used to showing up at Lily the Pink with a surprise awaiting him.  At least, he knew a little about what to expect.

As for the decorating, the brides had a moment of sheer genius.  The place would be decorated already.  Spiders and bats hanging from everything in the Crystal Mountain.  Pumpkins everywhere.  Both grooms wore black tuxedos with orange ruffled shirts and bow ties.  And both brides were wearing white.  I knew that Minnie Others had been one of the athletes that my son, Poached, had “serviced” in his wayward high school days, but few if any of this crowd knew that.  And Polly had struggled, with Herculean efforts, to keep her hands off her groom.  Seeing him naked and getting naked…  She got there a few times, but Randy stopped her each time.

But since this was a masquerade wedding, one groom wore a mask of John Adams and the other wore a Thomas Jefferson mask.  Publicly, those two former presidents disagreed with each other.  But privately, they wrote letters to each other the rest of their lives, both passing away on the same day.  The brides wore matching Mardi Gras style masks with feathers under their veils.

And I forgot, Poached was the best man for Guy Weiss since he introduced the couple to each other.  Randell Handel asked Mashie Niblick to be his best man since Pauline was his graduate advisor and he had gotten close to the entire family.  Poached was in his uniform and Mashie dressed in green coveralls.  The two brides had two honored ladies each.  Polly had Ruthie Toody to be her maid of honor, in her uniform, and Pauline Niblick as her matron of honor, wearing hospital scrubs.  Minnie Others asked Donna Kessinger, the softball coach at Vitamin Flintheart, to be her matron of honor, again wearing her uniform.  She had another matron of honor, the precinct’s real boss, Gisele Hart, who wore a Jessica Rabbit costume, but with her usual purple hair.

The ring bearers were Valin Quinn (with Gwen’s four adopted children taking her name instead of GrandPa’s) and Reuben ver Waarloosd.  The flower girls were the Gurglezoid Fizzle scientists, Scarlet Ibis Yeggs, my oldest granddaughter, and Baffing Spoon “Baffy” Niblick.

If this was not bizarre enough, they asked everyone who attended to be in costume.

TomCat went in the clothing they came to Tracy in, essentially Amish.  They were joined by Hannah, who would become Hannah McCreary in a few days.  Gwen Quinn went as a gypsy, of course.  Grannie Fannie went as Emma Webster, otherwise known as Granny, Tweety Bird’s owner in the Looney Tune cartoons.  Grannie Fannie was tasked with herding the cats, otherwise known as the children holding the two bride’s trains.

I was too old to be a little princess.  I was not going to be anything evil.  So, I went as a colonial farmer’s wife.  We had a scattering of employees who simply came in their pink coveralls.

The two fathers of the brides were trying to hold it together.  Minnie Others had been driven to athletic excellence by a father who could not relate to women, after his wife had given him five sons.  Now, his most athletic child was walking down the aisle to marry her police desk sergeant groom.  He had never really seen her as anything other than the athlete, and he was seeing what he had missed all those years.  She was lovely.

Polly Pulice had not talked to her father, Paul Pulice, for over a year.  He had an affair with a sixteen-year-old girl and when the girl was found murdered, he became the prime suspect at one point due to his evasive answers and the evidence that he had been at the scene.  Polly blamed him for the murder in that he made the teenaged boy jealous.  The court decided that the murder was not planned, unintentional, and written off as an accident, but the boy paid some fines because he was underage and without a license when he drove away from the scene with a stolen truck load of llamas, and thus why there were llamas on the Dalton’s County Line Farm.  The boy realized the trailer was slowing him down, and he dropped them off there.

But with the planning for this wedding getting closer and closer, her boss, Captain Hart, and her part-time boss, Dev Yeggs, finally convinced her to reconcile with her father, after they both refused to walk her down the aisle.  And although her wedding dress showed every luscious curve of her well-toned body, her father only said that she was lovely.  And he never suggested that she return to the Catholic church.  Both of those things had been points of argument in their fights, her showing too much skin and leaving the Catholic church.

The procession went well.  The police officers acted as the ushers since everyone sat themselves except for the mothers and grandmothers of the brides and grooms.  A couple of the grandmothers did not wish to let go of their usher, too handsome to let him get away, I suppose.

When the brides came down the aisle, Kanok and Samantha ver Waarloosd were the older children and everyone else followed their lead, but Grannie Fannie herded Pink Sparkle, my daughter, and Ellie Rain, Grannie’s little semi-adopted granddaughter, the youngest of the train bearers.

After the father’s said their little line and sat next to their wives, Polly said, “Oh, Minnie, I think we lined up wrong.”  So, they switched places to stand next to the other groom.  Then Minnie said, “No, Polly, this groom does not have the right cologne.”  So, they switched back.  Everyone was laughing.  The Baptist pastor was about to walk out, but Rev C.S.L. was laughing.  He told his fellow pastor to expect just about anything from the brides and grooms.  He had given them their ‘relationships’ course, and the four of them were cracking jokes the entire time.

Then when Guy Weiss fumbled with the ring, Donna Kessinger muttered, “Strike One.”  Then he put the ring on her pinky finger, “Strike Two.”  Finally, he got the ring on the right finger, but Coach Kessinger muttered, “Strike Three.”  Minnie said, “But he got it right the third time.”  Coach Kessinger said, “Yeah, Strike Three, you’re out of the dating game.”

They carefully removed their masks for the wedding kiss.  And yes, there were no Leah situations.  They married the right groom.

Otherwise, everything went smoothly.  Since the trains were in knots, but they were removable for the dancing, Donna and Ruthie unhooked the bustles and the married couples made their exits while the maid and the three matrons of honor untied the trains.

During the reception, I was playing with my little clone, Pink Sparkle, since she was in a more legitimate costume this year to look like me on the Freedom cider bottles.  With Bea and Bro teaching dance lessons, the dances looked good.

But when they started inviting anyone to dance, Hannah asked if she could talk.

Hannah said that she was overcome by Joy, but all this scared her.  This huge jungle under a glass roof.  Through the entire ceremony, Catherine was either holding her hand or hugging her.  She might have stayed at the Gargoyle House if it were not that Paddy was a groomsman.

Hannah said, “And I have so many announcements to make.  Paddy confessed to me that he was a police officer, a detective.  That’s why we are here.  He is in the Polly Pulice wedding party, but I guess you already knew that.  He called in for a comp day, whatever that means, the day after you dropped me off at the house.  Uncle Erasmus was there very early.  They had three wagons and several men.  He told Paddy that he had a line of credit with the hardware store since Cevilla’s son was the manager, but he would need a payment soon.  Paddy said that we had errands along the county line, but he would stop by the hardware store and give them a check for $500.  We finished getting dressed and went to the pharmacy.  I think that stop was just to let the pharmacist know that I had moved in, but Paddy bought a pregnancy test kit, and the pharmacist said I could use her restroom.  I was so nervous.  I handed her the stick, and she said that I was with child.  This meant I had been with child for at least ten days.  I had only been with Paddy over the past year.  We are starting our life together with a child.  God is so good.  Everyone thought I was barren.”

We hugged for a while before she said, “But there is more.  We got groceries, and Paddy talked to the manager, probably about me.  We went by the coffee house and Dawn, the owner, greeted us.  She already knew I had left the community and moved to the County Line.  She is Cevilla’s eldest daughter.  When I told her I was with child, she fixed me a hot chocolate and gave Paddy a latte.  She said that when the time came, she had a barista who was trained as a midwife.  But then, he got a call to return to the house.  The Tracy police commissioner was there with a woman from the Stout County Detectives.  She had a strange name.”

I suggested, “Undersheriff Tuesday Wednesday.  She is a good friend.  She should be here somewhere.  Her husband was in Polly’s wedding party also.  Polly had the detectives, and Minnie had the uniformed officers, since her groom was their boss.”

Hannah brightened, “Yes, that was the name.  They were wanting the mayor of Tracy and the county commissioner for Stout County to have a big announcement in the hardware store parking lot.  Paddy is being named the unofficial sheriff of the county line community.”

I gasped, “That is a strange honor, but it crosses jurisdictions.”

Hannah smiled, “They wanted the people to know that there was a police presence at the county line.  He will still come to his normal office here to work, but if there is a crime committed at the county line, on either side, he will be the detective in charge until others show up.  He may remain in charge if the crime was in Tracy, but he would hand the crime over to your friend, Tuesday Wednesday, if it was on the other side of the line.  But he will be at ribbon cuttings and community meetings.  Whatever it takes for the people to know they have someone they can count on.  And the position comes with a strange vehicle.  There is a metal spider web behind the front seats and then a lot of seats in the back, like a large buggy.”

I said, “That is wonderful news.”  I think me calling the commissioner and saying that I would pay off the value of the Gargoyle House so that Paddy and Hannah could start a boarding house, and also stay close to Hannah’s grandmother, but I left that out when talking to the commissioner.  Now, with a detective living there, why not utilize that?  And the paddy wagon, driven by an Irishman named Paddy, was probably a great joke at city hall.  After all, they were called paddy wagons due to usually being driven by an Irishman, whether his name was Paddy or not.  This was considered an ethnic slur even back in the days of the potato famine, but the name is still used in some circles.

Hannah was breathing heavy, “But that’s not all.  Paddy’s pretend boss at the construction company called to complain that since he had not shown up, they hired an extra crew, but they had no place for them to stay.  Paddy volunteered rooms.  He would have to seal the mattresses in plastic until we could buy new ones, and Uncle Erasmus’ crew would have to work around the rooms that were occupied.  But then there was a knock at the door.  My mother, you met her, Edna, she was there with four girls who were starting their Rumspringa.  They would help as maids at the boarding house, and she suggested that Paddy could drop them off here each day if you needed some temporary help.”

I asked, “Is that all?”

Hannah laughed, “Yes.  In just a couple of days, so much good news.  And the construction workers are giving the girls from Oma’s community the eye.  It could be that many things will happen.  But I have to talk to TomCat.  We are going to start having breakfast for our guests.  I was hoping we could get fresh biscuits each morning.  Clyde suggested that the Daltons could drop the bakery goods off on their way to the farm each day.”

I smiled, “Run along. TomCat are probably with their children.  All three children were in one wedding party or another.”

After Hannah went to another part of our conference center, a two-headed monster tapped me on the shoulder.  It was the commissioner and Tuesday Wednesday.

Tuesday said, “The commissioner’s wife is at home, not feeling well, and my Hubbie was in the wedding party, so the commissioner suggested I be the other half of his monster.  How do you like our choice for unofficial sheriff?”

I snickered, “I am not a police person, but I like Paddy.  He is very outgoing.  And with that area being the no-man’s land between the organized crime syndicates of the two counties, he might become the advanced warning if any strife brews between the two gangs.”

The Commissioner said, “The large bust that Georges Evident made earlier this year disarmed the Rotten Apples army.  With the biggest leaks in both counties getting plugged, I think they are keeping their hands off each other for the time being.  I would love to groom Georges.  He might make a fine commissioner someday.  As for now, I have to get out of this costume.  It is flaming hot in here!  Lucky, we dressed here.”

Tuesday said, “And I am tired of the constant three-legged race.”

I nodded and smiled.  But then I thought, Jochebed has the commissioner calling him Georges instead of George.

My next visitor was a wedding crasher, Jazz Apple.

I joked, “Jazz, this is a masquerade party.  Where is your costume?”

Jazz said, “I’m holding him.  Who in this crowd would ever think I’m a Mommy.  Meet two-week old Jonesie Krupa.”

I smiled, “Oh, you are a little fella.  But you look a lot like your Daddy.”

Jazz said, “Yeah, that’s why I crashed the wedding. So, Jonesie could see and hear his Daddy in action.”

I asked, “Why Jonesie?”

Jazz rolled her eyes.  “The birth certificate says ‘Jones’.  The top ten best jazz drummers changes with everyone that you ask, but all of them have Papa Jo Jones and Philly Joe Jones.  A lot have Elvin Jones.  One list that I saw had all three in the top five, so Jones became the name.  For now though, he’s my little Jonesie.”

I asked, “Do you want to join our Mommie Club?  We have support groups on every kind of issue.”

Jazz said, “If all the meetings are here, I’ll pass.  I feel like I’m breaking out in hives just being around all these cops.”

I snickered, “Other than Georges, we do not have any cops living here.  Poached visits a lot less since we have a new guy in cyber security.”

Jazz shrugged, “I’ll think about it.”  She got up a went to the far corner.  I heard Margie invite her to the Tree Trunk or Treat, ‘candy at the base of every fake tree trunk in the Crystal Mountain.’  Jazz shook her head.  She is probably only sticking around because Buddy Chick Krupa was her ride home.  Here she was in the nice part of town with half the detectives and a lot of uniformed cops.  And even the detectives were in their uniforms for the wedding.  Jazz did not deal in any criminal activities, but those that did were family.  I would suggest that she go to my office, but she was watching her boyfriend intently.  As soon as they broke down the equipment, she would be gone.

The dancing was starting to die down.  The photos were all taken.  Jemima was the photographer of choice at Crystal Mountain weddings, and she knew what the young couples were anticipating.  She worked quickly.  She took a lot of pictures.  With a digital camera, she was not wasting film, and after three years of college, she knew how to doctor the photographs if she had to do so.  The mask reveals were the tricky things to photograph.

The two brides came over and asked if I would pose with them for one last photo, in front of the waterfall.  Too many photographs, and we would all have to get our hair done again.  But then, if our hair frizzed out, the brides would be with their grooms, but I would be handing out candy with a freakshow hairdo.  Why not?  That would work.

I already knew the answer to the question, but I asked anyway.  “Where are you going for your honeymoon?”

Polly asked, “What is a honeymoon?”

I was ready for that one.  “Honeymoon comes from two words, honey and month.  It was thought that mead was rich in fertility enhancers.  The Vikings would send off newlyweds to a secluded spot with plenty of mead, which is fermented honey.  They were to stay a month.  Thus, honey-month or honeymoon, since the lunar cycle is roughly a month.  Then the Brits had the couples visit all their relatives.  I wonder if that was to encourage them to show up for the wedding.  Aunt Suzie didn’t show up, so spend a week with her.  I don’t know the reason, and why visiting some and not others, but it was a ‘getting to know you’ type of thing.  Now it is a chance to get to know each other, hopefully in a way they have not done before and to create memories that will last a lifetime.”

Minnie snickered, “I did not think she was a walking encyclopedia.”

I groaned, “I was in a double wedding with Maeve and Thou at the mission downtown.  Neither of us had a honeymoon.  I know both of you plan to go to the groom’s apartment for a few days, but I have other ideas.  Grannie Fannie will take you to a five-star hotel downtown tonight.  Tomorrow morning, Mary and Joseph will pick you up and drive you to a cabin in the mountains.  They want a little vacation and this will be Mary’s last chance to travel before the baby comes.  They will provide breakfast in bed.  They will drive you anywhere you want to go.  Amy has promised that the fridge and freezer are stocked.  No ‘buts’.  Consider yourself pinked.  It is my wedding gift, but the cabin is Ralph E. and Amy’s get away, so they helped.  Nice view from what I hear.”

Polly said, “I’m glad we have taken all the pictures.  The humidity is frizzing my hair and my eyes are leaking.”  Polly and Minnie both gave me a hug.  I had to make a note that the party wagon was out until late Tuesday evening.  And I needed to stock the fridge on the party wagon with refreshments and the hard stuff.  I doubt if Amy stocks the cabin with cider, but she often surprises me.  Those four would not be driving until after they got home.

The best men had already broken into the grooms’ apartments to pack a suitcase, with Pauline’s help, and Gwen Quinn, always knowing everyone’s size, had bought all new clothing for the brides.  And she bought some casual clothing for the grooms.  The naughty lingerie?  More than they could use in four days unless they got crazy.”

Credits

Weddings are serious occasions, but I know of few weddings that went as planned.  I hope I did not make too much fun with the brides making a double swap.