Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I am Mashie Niblick.  I am presently employed as the greenskeeper of the Hoity Toity Golf Club in the big city of Tracy.

My wife, Pauline, was working with the newlywed, Handsy Randy, at his apartment.  Baffy and Andrew were at the Lily the Pink Nursery.  I was underneath the gazebo at the twelfth green, making repairs.  Elroy said that he had found some evidence of hacking and maybe some identity theft.  He wasn’t sure.  He was at Lily the Pink, so I thought it was related to someone there.  And Elroy said that Irusya had been up all night trying to fix a stuck actuator on the top of the Crystal Mountain.  It was early November, but the heat inside the upper levels of the Crystal Mountain were like an oven, according to her.  She, Jim Kaiser, and Blaise worked on it.  Blaise made a part using their 3-D printer in the lab, since the old part had to be cut out to remove it.  Luckily Blaise had been given a full set of blueprints from Griffin Grunge.

That is a long story to say that all concerned who could handle the three large dogs were away from two cul-de-sacs.  Note: From our previous episode where the dogs were involved, they cannot talk.  But Elroy has programmed cameras, microphones and speakers with AI so that the dogs sound like Elroy and Irusya talking, and the dogs get a bit sarcastic.  Meanwhile, the dogs stay in the game, focused on the threat.  Elroy is getting his first big test here that the talking dogs will create enough confusion to allow the humans to arrive.

Caulk, the Caucasian Shepherd, German Shepherd mix, responded to an intrusion alarm.  When we have an intrusion alarm at our house, the phones for Pauline, Elroy, and me are tied together by acknowledging the alarm.  We could then talk on a conference call basis.  There were four people on our front porch.  Caulk was huge, but they might outflank her.  Pauline was the closest, and she had gotten no indication from the doorbell camera that they had tried to ring the bell.

Elroy said, “Wait while I pull up my other computer.  My hacking problem needs to be addressed, but I will try to work on both.  Oh, good, Caulk is just barking, and she has been joined by Perry and Rhoda.  Rhoda is the least trained in this area.  I do not trust her in this situation.  I will tell Perry to send her home.  Okay, she yelped, but she did as commanded.  I am giving her a double treat.  She will stay in her room at the house until further instructions unless there is a second breach.  I’ll get back to you after I call the Levys.”  In less than a minute, he was back into the conversation.  “From Caulk’s cameras the four people on the porch were freaked out that Perry spoke a command to Rhoda.  Three men, varying ages and one woman.”

Pauline arrived at the house, “Hi, puppies, have you caught some bad guys or are they selling encyclopedias?”

Perry asked, “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Caulk said, “We got a breach alarm in that they were approaching the house.  We have them cornered on the porch.  They are not going anywhere if they want to keep their body parts in the same places.  They did not press the doorbell button, and they have been trying to look in the windows.  They may be simply robbers since you have no car in the driveway.  They probably saw that the doorbell had a camera and wanted to avoid activating it.  Highly suspicious.”

The woman on the front porch said, “We knocked on the door.  No one answered.  I was looking for the man of the house.  I think he may be my son.”

For a moment, all was quiet.

I cleared my throat, “Pauline, send me a picture.”

The lighting was wrong for a good picture and Perry and Caulk’s cameras were not set up for a computer to phone transfer.  Pauline walked up next to the dogs, and the glare was less.  She took pictures of each person.  Then she texted me all four photographs.  For good measure, she sent them to Elroy, and he ran them through facial recognition.

While I was waiting, Perry said, “You still did not answer my question, Pauline.”

Pauline started singing the song from the old Mickey Mouse Club television show, “Encyclopedia, E-N-C-Y-C-L-O-P-E-D-I-A.”

Perry said, “Great!  I can now spell it, but I still have no idea what it is.”

Pauline said, “Perry, I love it that you want to learn, but you are so horribly impatient.  Before the internet, there were these collections of books that would fill an entire shelf of a bookshelf.  They had descriptions of historical events and countries and people.  Think of it as an internet search engine in book form.”

Perry said, “I’ll take your word for it.  I have not seen much use for books.  They don’t taste very good.  But the guy in the middle looks like he might be tasty.”

Caulk groaned, “I think he just lost control of his waters.  It’s embarrassing when they do that.”

The oldest man said, “How come those dogs talk?”

Pauline said, “How should I know?  The first time I saw them they were already talking.  After a while, you just get used to it.”

I called Pauline, “I’m under the gazebo on twelve.  It is going to take me a while getting there.  We need Elroy there too.  Keep them talking until I get there.”  With that, I started crawling out from under the gazebo.  I left the “do not use” tape in place.  This part of the course had the bigger lake.  I would have to traverse the course, hole by hole.  I had to wait for a couple of foursomes, but it only took about ten minutes to get to the clubhouse.

Pauline asked the woman, “What makes you think the man of this house is your son?”

The woman said, “I saw a picture on social media.  It was a wedding photo.  Something in my head said that one of the people in the wedding party was Al.  Jethro here found him in the cloud, whatever that means, but it said his name was Mashie Niblick.  Jethro has been digging. The back story on Mashie Niblick is spotty.  He hasn’t yet gotten back into the records deep enough to see if there is a connection between Mashie Niblick and Aloysius Ichabod Mudd.”

Elroy said, “I am closing down and coming over.  Pauline, you are looking at the hacker.  He found Mashie and was digging deeper, but I could not tell if he had uncovered Mashie’s name at birth.”

Mashie said, “I heard that.  I’m in the car.  Have Elroy bring the children.  They can stay with the Levys or Irusya.”

Perry started laughing, “Wait!  His name is Aloysius?  What kind of a name is that?”

Caulk said, “Aloysius means a famous warrior.  Ichabod means no blessing.”

Perry, still laughing, “That fits!  Mashie is a famous warrior who never got a blessing.  Should I call him Wishes or Icky?”

Caulk growled, “You call him Mashie, Perry.  Now, get your head in the game.  The youngest one is a criminal.  We have no confirmation that the woman is who she says she is.”

Perry barked, “Got you!  But why would Mashie ask for the children to come along?  I would think he would want them to stay safe until he knew for sure what was going on.”

Pauline huffed, “Stay on task, you two.  This woman may be who she says she is, but she may not be at all.  But I think Elroy may want you to eat the youngest one.”

The middle man said, “That’s my only son.”

Pauline smiled, “You should have thought about that when he was hacking into secured federal personnel records outside DC.  We have no idea what he has learned, so there are three options.  The dogs can eat him.  Or he can go to a maximum security federal prison.  Or he can go to work for the government.  If you choose the last option, Jethro tells them how he defeated their security system.  Then the system is made stronger.  Then Jethro spends the rest of his life making extremely good money figuring out how secure systems can transfer information from one place to another without other bad people finding the information.  Jethro, how old are you?”

Jethro said, “Nineteen.”

Pauline moaned, “That makes the good money of the third option pretty hard to accomplish.  You’ll need a college degree.”

Jethro shrugged, “I was going to start at the Community College, but we did not have the money.”

About that time, Polly and Ruthie parked in the cul-de-sac.  Polly said, “We got a squeal about criminals trying to break into the Niblick’s home.  You know, Pauline.  You were my matron of honor just a week ago, less than a week ago.  You spent the morning with my husband, the first morning that I went back to work after the honeymoon.  And now you have me chasing bad guys?  This is too much!”

Pauline said, “Not much of a chase.  The dogs cornered them on the front porch before I got here.”

Ruthie went over and started scratching Perry behind an ear.  “Oo!  Oo! You are a good doggy then.  I have a treat in my pocket.”

Perry said, “Oh, Ruthie, you are the best.  The other ear!  The other ear!  Oh, yeah, that’s the spot.  Umm.  Did I hear you say something about treats?”

Caulk groaned, “Amazing.  The idiot wanted his ears scratched before a treat.”

Ruthie laughed, “Don’t worry, Caulk, you’re next.  Where is Rhoda?”

Caulk said, “Rhoda is not cleared for suspect apprehension yet.  She might eat the suspect before they were questioned.  Elroy thought it best to send her to her room.  But if this was the distraction, she would be ready to respond in a different direction.  Wink, wink!”

Ruthie giggled, “Oo!  Oo!  Do want us to check on the other houses in your security zone?”

Polly laughed, “We would have gotten the alarm.  By the way, do we have an ID on these characters, yet?”

Caulk said, “Well, what they’ve said is…”

Polly said, “I would like to get it from the human if you don’t mind, Caulk.”

Caulk huffed, “Excuse me for interrupting your interruption.”

Pauline laughed, “The woman says that she is Mashie’s mother.  No last name mentioned other than who she thinks Mashie is.  And the computer hacker is Jethro.”

The woman made introductions.  She was Daisy McCoy, but Daisy Mudd when Mashie was born.  She didn’t ever have to change the embroidered towels.  Her husband was Waylon McCoy, her son was Abner McCoy, and her grandson was Jethro McCoy.  Mashie’s father had died in a coal mining accident.  The union rep said she could win a case if she sued.  So, she did.  About the time Mashie graduated from MIT, she married the union rep.  Then he died of an accident.  She moved to Kentucky, to farming country, away from the coal mines.  She bought some land, and the farmer next door married her.  Since she was running away from the coal miners, she did not leave a forwarding address.  Abner was her stepson, but he was all she had until she saw the photo.

About that time, Elroy drove up, right behind me.

I walked up to the people on the porch.  “Mom, I had a project to do for the people who paid my scholarship.  Government people.  Government business.  When I got back about a year later, no one knew where you had moved.  Most old friends said that you were as good as dead if you ever came back into town.  They never would admit why.  They wanted my memories of my mother to be good ones.”

We embraced.  Elroy dismissed the dogs and sent them home, since he would be staying home for a while to interview Jethro, maybe for a job.  If he refused the job, Polly and Ruthie stayed there too, knowing they would have to leave if a call came in.  But in the meantime, they would be there to make an arrest.  In a way, this was part of Polly’s promotion.  They had not dispatched any detectives, just Polly and Ruthie.  I am sure her body cam was running, and she was taking notes.  Elroy would instruct the AI that ran the banter that gave the guard dogs their voices and personalities.  There would be no reference to my name on my birth certificate.  Even if I renewed a relationship with my mother, she had to call me Mashie or she put herself in danger.

After the groundbreaking introductions were over, I asked, “Mom, Jethro is a grandson, but not of your bloodline.  Would you like to meet a couple who are?”  That’s when Irusya came in with Baffy and Andrew.  “Baffy, Andrew, here is your grandmother.  Mom, our daughter is Baffing Spoon Niblick and our son is in the carrier, St. Andrews Niblick.  And this is Irusya Jetson, Elroy’s wife.  She was babysitting until the coast was clear.”  Mom said nothing.  She hugged the children.  And Mom cried a lot.

Pauline asked Irusya if she had enough sleep.  Irusya nodded and said it had to be enough.  She had to go to work soon, and she hoped Elroy could take her.  But under the circumstances, we called for a Lily the Pink vehicle.

Then Baffy asked me, “Which Grandma do I have to give up?”

Pauline asked, “What do you mean, Baffy?”

Baffy started counting on her fingers.  “Since your mommy died, I have your grandma, Grandma Tozer.  Then, when I play with Kanok and Joon, I have Grannie Fannie.  And when I play with my twin sister, Ibie, I have a lot of grannies, even Grandma Naomi.  And then there is Grandma Dinah.  I have a lot of grandmas already.”

Pauline gave Baffy a hug.  “When it comes to hugs and love, we can all use more grandmas.”

Then Baffy said that there was one more family member they had not met.  We went out back, and I heard Beauty moaning (not a bark nor a howl), that call that lets you know she’s on a hunt.  She was on the trail of a rabbit in the woods, down near the creek, since our invisible fence did not let her cross over the creek.  I called her and she ran up in the backyard with a rabbit in her mouth.  She walked up to Pauline and laid the prize before her.  The rabbit shook a couple of times, righted itself, and then back to the woods it hopped.  I think she has caught the same rabbit a dozen times already.  We feed her well.  Beauty does not need the food, but she needs to hunt.  It is in her nature.

I told my Mom that as soon as I graduated at MIT, a man named Hugh McAdoo put me on a plane, and I was in Thailand the next day or was it two days later?  The time change and jet lag was the first time I had experienced that.  I did not stay in Thailand, but the rest was with ground transportation.  The operation was for about a year.  When I returned, I went to language school and spent most of the rest of my career in eastern Europe.  Only coming back to the states to chase down the gunrunner and smuggler from Latvia.  The man who had my old girlfriend mutilated was called “the Devil.”  But I met Pauline while undercover at the Hoity Toity Club, and I decided to retire and marry Pauline.

I got to know my stepfather, a very honest farmer from Kentucky.  Abner was not really a half-brother, since my mother never officially adopted him. Abner was already an adult, and he lived in another house on the property when Waylon and Daisy got married.

But Jethro was just a kid who liked digging into codes on the internet and seeing where it took him.  And in so doing, he found a path that the company, that I still work for on contract work, had failed to plug.  He would get a job offer, but only after he did two things.  Instruct the people in DC how he got in through a backdoor and completed his college degree at the organization’s expense, just like his unofficial uncle.

But back to my origins, the coal miners gave me a scholarship for my freshman year, and I was supposed to work my way through college for the rest.  But the keen financial senses of Hugh McAdoo, the one just before Jacob Levy, saw that I was smart and about to be dead broke.  He explained that they would pay me well.  I would see the world.  And I would be helping the good old USA.  They could have saved the sales pitch.  I liked MIT and I loved the idea that for the rest of my schooling, I did not have to pay for tuition, books, meals, or an apartment instead of staying at the dorm.  I impetuously said, “Where do I sign?”  And within two months of graduating college, I have never since answered to the name Aloysius Ichabod Mudd, initials AIM.  Mom heard that if your name spelled a word, you would be more successful, but I think Mashie Niblick is successful beyond my wildest imagination.

And I was very impressed how Pauline kept our house guests and the dogs calm until help arrived.  When she got there, she had no idea whether they were friend or foe.

Over the next few days, I took Mom and her kinfolk on a tour of the golf course.  Mom sat on the gazebo and watched people hit golf balls into the water and later miss their putt for double bogey.  Who knows what they wrote down in the scorecard.  Ralph E’s phone application still had a few bugs all these months later.  But the three guys that Mom came with were handy with simple repairs.  The four of us had the gazebo fixed – WiFi hot spot, BBQ grill in the middle of the gazebo, and all new decking.  They were impressed by the Crystal Mountain.  I guess being from Kentucky where bourbon is king, they had no problem trying out the hard cider.  They were given a couple of cases to take home.  But mostly we caught up on decades of not knowing if the other of us was alive.

As for Jethro, he had to sign and take an oath of secrecy.  He would have to wear a tracker, and a loose tail would be used to keep track of his movements until we got him into a college.  He chose T.R.U.S.T. when he learned that Amy G. Dala and Ralph E. Newman were guest lecturers.  Pink Lady said she would have an apartment for him.  That way, Irusya and Elroy could keep track of anyone coming and going.  Elroy took his role as cyber security chief at Lily the Pink and his top secret government security job seriously.

Credits

The Perils of Pauline was a movie serial started in 1914. It defined many serials that followed, including the Perils of Pauline “moment,” the cliffhanger that caused you to return to the theater for the next installment.

Artificial Intelligence is adaptable, but it must learn the way to respond and what to say in certain situations.  Thus, to an extent, AI can learn to be sarcastic.  Perry would be on guard due to his training.  For Caulk, they were not family until the acceptable getting-to-know-you routine was performed, and then with time, they could become family.  My grandson who wants to be a veterinarian suggested a Rhodesian Ridgeback, and I chose the name of Rhoda.  Same issues in training.  And in seeing the photos of the Ridgeback, it reminded me of my half-beagle in my youth, Big Red.  We never knew who the father was.  Big Red was twice the size of a beagle, but with the same trim beagle lines, but he was red (light reddish brown) except for the usual white beagle belly and white feet (“socks”).

My grandfather took care of Big Red when we lived in Tupelo, MS for three years.  Granddaddy told this story about Big Red.  He would go out in the morning on the hunt.  You could hear his call when he got the scent.  It sounded like he was moaning in deep pain, but then the moaning stopped.  He ran into the front yard and opened his mouth, and a rabbit fell to the ground.  The rabbit would shake its head a few times and then hop back into the woods.  During this escape, Big Red would stare at Granddaddy.  When Granddaddy had seen that the rabbit was out of sight in the woods, he’d tell Big Red, “Go get it!”  This game would last about three times before Granddaddy would put feed in Big Red’s bowl to signify that the rabbit needed a rest.