Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m the wife of Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs, Trinity Naomi Tesla, that’s TNT, Yeggs, but most people call me Naomi.  My husband still calls me Glyce, pronounced “Gliss,” since it is short for Nitroglycerin.  I explode when shaken.  My husband works homicide in the big city of Tracy.  He works with his old partner, Jim Wednesday and his nephew Poached Yeggs.

I had my holiday plans scheduled.  We were going to have one party after another.  We were going to a watch party for the university’s bowl game.  We had small groups planned every other day.

All of that was put on hold when I went to Lily the Pink to pick up the children after their last day of school before the holiday break.  Blaise was at work in what had been my Aunt Tensie’s lab.  He and Margie were singing and laughing.

“Blaise,” I asked, “Why all the mirth and where is your sister?  We have a party at our house tomorrow night.  We cannot be working late.”

Blaise said, “Marguerite, Sweetheart, could you explain, please?”

Margie said, “Just before the end of the school day, everybody was swapping presents and talking about what they were doing for the holidays or where they were going to go.  No one was teaching a lesson.  Then there was an announcement for Samuel Farquharson, Menzie MacDougall, Emmett Dalton, and Sophia Yeggs to report to guidance counseling.  The Pink Bus had to wait for the four lovebirds to finish with Mrs. Ball Buster.”

I huffed, “Margie, that is a horrible name for a school staff member.”

Margie snickered, “Sorry, it fits, but it is a slight slip of the tongue.  Her married name is Ballester.  But she earns the name Ball Buster.  I do not quite know what sleeping arrangements have been made yet.”

I asked, “What sleeping arrangements?  As of about three this afternoon, school is out until after New Years.”

Sophia walked in behind me, “Not for the four of us.  Mrs. Ballester gave us a special assignment for the next two weeks.”  I turned around, and the four high school students, none of them smiling, were pushing strollers and the girls were holding babies each wrapped in a receiving blanket.  “We have been assigned through an idiotic law sent down from the state board of education to be parents for the next two weeks.  These are life-like dolls modified by Dala Enterprises.  They record what we say, what we are doing, everything.  We are required to ‘live’ with each other and share in the parenting duties.  Em and Menzie will be allowed to perform at the Taz, but then they have to take up the slack so that Samuel and I are not doing it all.”

I was getting dizzy.  “Wait!  The state program is for at risk children who are shacking up.  It is an educational way of deterring them from having a baby and giving them experience if they go for it anyway.  You are not at risk.  You are not shacking up.  And this ends now!”

Emmett said, “Not according to Mrs. Ballester.  We will be dropped from the high school rolls if we do not pass this two-week test.”

“Let’s go to Pink’s office.” I ordered. “Margie and Blaise!  Do not gloat.  Do not laugh.  Just stay here and invent something.  And my advice to you is to not announce your engagement until after the school year, and maybe after you graduate college.  Otherwise, you are next.”

With us all in Pink’s office, I asked, “Pink, have you heard what a guidance counselor at Flintheart did to these children?”

Pink smiled, “Yes, Missy is taking care of Lauren and Sammie.  Samuel is sleeping on the couch and Menzie will have Amy in her room.”

“Amy?” I asked.

Pink laughed.  “I guess you have not even inquired into the names of their children.  The Farquharson’s little girl is named Amy, complete with birth certificate registered at the state capitol.  The Dalton’s little boy is Ralphie.  I guess you have figured out that Dala Enterprises turned a doll into a data collecting doll.  These children were given the dolls at about three in the afternoon, but the counselor turned the paperwork in to activate at noon, so the dolls have given the state three hours of neglect.  I called Ralph E. and he is coming over.  The children have been driven crazy by these dolls in only a few hours.  The baby dolls have their days and nights mixed up.  They are both colicky.  And they are both teething.  Ralphie agrees with what you are about to say.  These four do not qualify for the program, but ignoring the dolls will be registered against their school record.  All four children are in the top ten percent.  And Samuel will be in the top ten, unless he fails this class that he did not sign up for and is being administered over the Christmas break.”

Sophie added, “And Mrs. Ballester said that she knows we are sleeping together, and it is only a matter of time until Menzie and I get pregnant.  She has her eye on the Christian girls because Mommy and Daddy do not have a clue.  I would say more, but Aunt Pink has a swear jar policy.”

Pink nodded, “I have Justin coming by at 10 in the morning.  I hope all the parents that are involved can be here.  I told him only a few things that were said to these children, and he will try to get Mrs. Ballester here also.  Justin was not pleased.”

Justin Thurgood was the superintendent of Tracy Public Schools.  Pink had money and money talks.  I was thinking of calling the State Board of Education.  As the Faculty Dean at the P.L.A.Y.house, I have occasion to speak to them.

Amy and Ralph E. arrived and got what the guidance counselor had said, including the taunts about Christian goodie two shoes were not going to slide out from underneath a state requirement.

Amy said, “But under the circumstances, it is not a state requirement.  Your family incomes are far too high.  You are not shacking up.  There is no evidence that you have ever been intimate, but I know all four of you and I know you would not do that.  Of course, Menzie and Samuel were under different circumstances when Menzie got pregnant with Sammie.  And the two of you getting targeted is disturbing.  And all four of you are probably in the top ten percent.  You have absolutely none of the markers that qualify you for the program.  This is both harassment and misuse of state government assets.  Under the circumstances of Menzie’s and Samuel’s prior intimacy, this could cause an emotional reaction.  You might need therapy afterward.”

Menzie smiled, “Thank you for your concern, but I think the trauma will be when I turn the doll back in to the school.  Lauren wants to play with it, and she wants to get it for a Christmas present.”

Ralph E. groaned, “Those dolls are pretty pricey, and we kept the price low until the software is fully tested with teenagers taking care of the children.  Can we see the dolls?”

Sophie said, “We are not allowed to have them handed off to anyone other than a rare babysitter when we both have to work.  And since Em and Menzie have a couple of concerts, and one was supposed to include a dance number with Samuel.  That includes all four of us.  Mrs. Ball Buster picked the perfect time as if she knew our schedule for the Christmas break.”

Amy winked, “Didn’t you know that we have physician access to check out the dolls?  A real physician would not have a clue.”  Amy took Menzie’s little girl.  “What’s her name?”  Menzie admitted that they had named her Amy.  “I love it!  Hmmm.  Have you noticed her being extra fussy?”  Menzie nodded.  “And when you pretend to breast feed, do you get scratched?” Menzie nodded.  “And she slept most of the time earlier this afternoon?”  Menzie nodded.  “Ralphie, they got the trifecta:  Colicky, teething, and days and nights backwards.  How about we apply some medicine?”  Ralph nodded and he pulled out his laptop.  Then they handed the dolls back to the children.  “You will still have two weeks of childcare to attend to.  But circumstances normal rather than being freaked out with a child that never sleeps except during the day and constantly fussy.  The state has been notified.  If you ignored the child, then you would be disqualified to participate in sports.  The Taz has a high school eligibility clause in Menzie and Emmett’s contracts and that would stop the concerts.  And as for the Christmas concerts at the Taz, give us backstage passes, and we will ensure that they are asleep during the performances.  We are physicians.  We know what we are doing.”  Note: Amy and Ralph E. were computer programmers who programmed the dolls, thus if anything went wrong, they were the ones who could fix the doll.  Giving them the “physician” classification was a Dala Enterprise joke.

I asked, “But we are going to contest this.  The state can raise a red flag, but we will have that removed.”

Emmett said, “No, Mom Yeggs, we are going through with this.  The Bible says that we are to subject ourselves to the civilian authorities whether they are just or unjust.”

Sophie said, “It’s not fair, Mom, but we have to do it.  We will accept the Newmans acting as babysitters and physicians.  Emmett will stay on the couch in Easy and Jemima’s apartment.  The same with Samuel on Mamma Missy’s couch.”

I moaned, “But, honey, it’s the Christmas holidays.”

Sophie nodded, “Mom, we must follow the law.  Em wants to be a pastor of some kind, and I want to be a police detective.  Trying to get out of this doesn’t look good for either of those professions.  Easy and Jemima had their hands full last year.  Now it’s our turn.”

“But their baby is real! When the holidays are over, you will have to turn this robot back in to the school.” I retorted.

Ralph E. cleared his throat, “I think it is sophisticated enough to be an android, Dr. Yeggs.”

Menzie looked at her little android and smiled, “Did you hear that, Amy?  That makes you a sophisticated lady.”  Then she started softly singing “Sophisticated Lady.”

Pink and I set up a meeting.  All eight parents would be there.  Justin Thurgood would be there with Mrs. Ballester.  And Amy and Ralph E. would be there along with the two new families.

After I got home, I got a call from Mrs. Ballester.  Sadly, my number was well known around the city since I was given the title of Faculty Dean at the P.L.A.Y.house campus, or what was becoming the South campus.  She ranted that it was her Christmas vacation, and I was not going to push my weight around and get the children off their assignments.  I called Sophia, since she was staying with Easy and Jemima.  Sophie had done some phone calls to friends and other teachers while Em was taking care of little Ralphie.  It bothered her that they had been targeted during one of the biggest holidays for Christians.  That got back to Mrs. Ballester who became angry with me.  What Mrs. Ballester had said was vulgar and laced with attacks on Christians and God Himself.  I had a slip of the tongue in my conversation with Mrs. Ballester by talking about how Jerusalem was surrounded and Sennacherib’s army commander taunted them.  But God told Hezekiah that the commander had taunted God, and the army would be defeated.  I said that she could attack me all she wanted but she was attacking God and God does not like that.  Then Mrs. Ballester claimed that I was a “Christian Witch”, and I had pronounced a spell upon her.  It seemed this woman was off her rocker, but then again, if I had been called into a meeting during my Christmas break, I would be angry too.

Wait!  I had been called into the same meeting!  Christian Witch!  There is definitely no such thing, but bringing the Bible story up makes it sound that way.

Sophia was going to have a few additional people ready as witnesses, but they would be hidden from Mrs. Ballester until needed.

When we all gathered the next morning, Justin started the meeting by stating that he had studied the regulations with regard to these experiential training sessions with a doll.  Neither of the two couples qualified, but now that they were registered into the program at the state level, we either completed the task or we risked losing eligibility.  We could contest that, but the softball season might be near its end by the time the state board of education heard the case.  That could also mean that the children involved might lose their ranking in the top ten.  Samuel was the only student giving Margie and Blaise any competition for valedictorian.

Mrs. Ballester went into defense mode.  She ranted incoherently, but the high points were that Christian parents held a blind eye to the philandering that their children did.  She knew they were fooling around.  Justin Thurgood told her she could not say that without proof.  Then after a few other accusations without proof, she took a detour down a different path that the Fellowship of Christian Athletes was an exclusive club and some athletes had been harmed by not being allowed to be members, and they were shamed for not being celibate, and we already talked about how these girls are not being celibate.

That is when Sophia handed Ralphie to her “husband” Emmett.  Sophia asked, “Keely Cuyler attended one meeting.  She complained about the prayers.  She argued with Carla about why Carla quit having sex with Brenton.  This was last school year, before Carla and Brenton got married.  Even though she was being disruptive, we showed love toward her.  It was her disagreement with everything we were doing that made her feel unwelcome.  We wanted her to stay so that she would see the benefits of doing it God’s way.  I talked with her in private, but she had already started going to you, Mrs. Ballester, for counseling sessions.  And I would like to know when the two of you started sleeping together.”

Mrs. Ballester shrieked that I was lying, another thing Christians were good at doing.

I said, “Sophia, even if you can prove it, that is a serious charge.  We should not judge others.”

Mrs. Ballester started another rant about how Christians claimed to take the high road, but they were liars.  All this holier than thou stuff was garbage.

Sophia pulled out her phone and played an audio file.  It was muffled moaning and then in a clear voice Keely saying she did not know if she should be doing this, and then Mrs. Ballester encouraging her to keep going and she would be a starter on the Uof team at the state capitol.  If she would drop her boyfriend, her chances would be even better.

Dev muttered about their efforts of exposing the problem with gender identity issues with that university softball team. But shutting down clearly illegal activities was being blocked by members of the state legislature.

Mrs. Ballester said, “The muffled noises were because I was giving her a back rub.”

Sophie tapped a message on her phone.  Keely and her boyfriend, Jason, walked into the room.  Keely said, “No, that was sexually pleasuring each other.  I recorded it on my phone, after I talked with Soapy.  I had gotten confused, and she explained things about Christianity and about the club.  If you want some lies, it’s everything you have said up to this point.”

Mrs. Ballester said, “What an ungrateful piece of dog dung you are.  You aren’t good enough for T.R.U.S.T., but I could get you in as a starter at Uof.  Just a little lifestyle change.  And still, all you have is my statement versus Keely’s.”

Jason said, “You forget that you allowed me to watch during one session.  And it was not any back rubbing.  Should I give the specifics?”

Justin Thurgood said, “No, Jason, when we get to court proceedings, you may need to do that.  I have heard enough to put Mrs. Ballester on suspension.  Whether she returns as a teacher or counselor after some sensitivity training or she is fired for inappropriate activities, she will have to arrange with the secretary in the Flintheart main office to clear out her personal things from her desk on Monday morning.”

Sophia made another text.  Poached walked in, “Dr. Thurgood, I am Poached Yeggs, lead detective in Vice.  I will need to have the secretary give me access to Mrs. Ballester’s office and I want to be there Monday when she picks up her personal things.  I do not want any evidence destroyed.  I am not sure what charges we can bring against Mrs. Ballester, a few for sure.  I was talking to the mayor and his wife out in the living room, and they want us to make a strong statement against this type of behavior.  But since my boss is Lt. Dev Yeggs and the father of one of the children in this investigation, I will have to bring in Captain Hart.  Some of the charges depend on what happened before Keely turned sixteen, and then we have to find out if there are other victims.”

Mrs. Ballester said, “If you are not arresting me, then I am leaving!”

The superintendent said, “Thank you all for this meeting.  There is nothing we can do since it has been inappropriately been put in the hands of the state board of education.  I know Dr. Yeggs here has influence with them, but the easiest thing to do is to continue with the exercise.”  The four children said they were going to enjoy it.

Mrs. Ballester chuckled, “Not with those two children from Hell.  They are going to keep you up all night and cry constantly when awake, for two weeks.”

Amy G. Dala leaned against the open doorframe.  “The children were concerned parents, and they called for the physicians of the androids.  We applied some medical assistance last night.  I am sure the babies slept through the night.”

Mrs. Ballester screamed like a banshee and ran from the room.  Superintendent Thurgood followed her out.  Coach Kessinger (Flintheart) and Coach Tinker Evers (T.R.U.S.T.) entered.  Coach Kessinger said that they had been looking over tape of Keely’s play at the plate and in the field.

Coach Evers said, “Keely, if you want to walk on at T.R.U.S.T. in two years, I can use you as a pinch hitter and pinch runner.  You have good hand-eye coordination, with two years in the weight room, you might make a good part-time outfielder or a designated hitter.  I want to do what I can with my limited scholarships to make sure that you do not go to Uof.  I have one Uof dropout on the team already, and I understand that Tammie lives here.  I would like to talk with her before I leave.”

Pink fanned herself, “Please, do not take my Human Resources manager away from me, Coach Evers.  I don’t know what I would do without her.”

Sophie said, “If the meeting is over, I can take you to her apartment.  If she is not there, she is probably visiting with Rosie.”

Coach Evers chuckled, “Oh, I have met Rosie.  If I ever need a rock to lean on, I might look up Rosie.  In a strange way, I think Rosie is part of the deal.  Tammie plays the game, and Rosie keeps Tammie’s head in the game.  I have even met Rosie’s boyfriend, Johnny Jacks.  He is a hoot.”

Boaz and Cassie came in.  Cassie snickered, “They left before we got to say anything.”

Judge Farquharson said, “Under the circumstances, I will have to recuse myself. But there are a lot of statutes for Poached and Captain Hart to review.  You’ll need statements and if this inappropriate activity is not confined to one person, your case is a lot stronger.  But do you even want to go to trial and bring all this into the public eye?”

Boaz nodded, “That is why I am involved at this level.  Could losing your income with no letter of recommendation be a sufficient punishment if everyone stays quiet?  But if a coverup is leaked to the press, I want to be strong on crime, especially victimizing children.  This one needs to be handled delicately.  Right, Bro?”

Poached simply nodded.

Early that Sunday morning, I got a phone call from Justin Thurgood.  Mrs. Ballester had a stroke during the night and she was in a coma at T.R.U.S.T.

I told Dev, “Let’s make yet another adjustment to our plans.  I am going to the bedside of Mrs. Ballester.  I will stay there praying until she wakes up.  It is probable that I will be asked by the hospital to be her therapist, but under the circumstances, she may refuse.  If Mrs. Ballester likes the girls, maybe Handy Randy could take her on as a customer.  Sad, I would do it for free.”

And Dev said, “And this is the woman who called you a ‘Christian Witch’.  I will stay here with Blaise and Gigi, but we will pray too.”

Credits

Keely Cuyler is a tribute to a great right fielder, Kiki Cuyler, who played for the Pirates, Cubs, Reds, and Brooklyn Dodgers from 1921-1938.  He was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

And here is Sarah “Sassy” Vaughan singing Sophisticated Lady.  This was her first recording with only a guitar (Mundell Lowe) and double bass (George Duvivier) for accompaniment.  Sophisticated Lady was an instrumental tune composed by Duke Ellington in 1932.  Much later, lyrics were added.  Ellington loved the lyrics, but they did not match his thoughts in composing the song.  He pictured his grade school teachers who taught in public school for nine months and then spent the summer vacations touring Europe.  To Duke Ellington that was sophistication.  And for two of my three years in Germany, I was the comedy relief for a song and dance troupe named, The Sophisticated Ladies and Friends.  We performed during USO fundraiser events. I was a “friend,” if you didn’t figure it out on your own.

And why not, here is Duke Ellington with Sophisticated Lady. And if you want to know how the saxophonist played the note for that long, Kenny G has a tutorial on Youtube.