Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

When the two ladies seemed to dance into the room, I heard a buzz.  Okay, not a buzz.  Maybe a rumble, no, a rumble was too low of a pitch.  The ladies were not cats.  It was not a purr.

Then I noticed their eyes dancing about.  Their lips were closed, but they were holding something in and as they looked at each other, then at me, I was seeing signs that they were about to crack.

I said, “Okay, you two, what is so funny?”

With the ice broken, the two roommates burst out laughing.

Wilma was the chatterbox, but it was Mitzi who spoke first.  “Mommie Pinkie, we tried this roommate thing.  We hoped that we could be some sort of friends.  We wanted a friendship like B.B. and Stinker.  They work like hand in glove.  They finish each other’s sentences.  And barring an unconceived side effect, we are now finishing each other’s sentences.  And we are leaning toward being best friends.”

Wilma interrupted, “We are best friends, but the best friend forever tag might have to wait for more information.”

I asked, “What unconceived side effect?”  I loved delving into the side trails before tackling the main issue.

Wilma said, “I was not feeling myself the other day, and I was at the navigation screen, which also has all the video feeds if I needed them.  With Fred needing no immediate instructions from me, I blurted out, ‘Fitzi Mitzi.  I love you, but you are the most horribly deplorable person on the face of the earth.’  Mitzi said, ‘I love you too, but right back at you girlfriend.’  And that is when B.B. suggested that we come see you upon our return.  But hey!  We are fine now!”

My mind went a hundred directions.  I wanted to say that was a horrible thing to say, but Wilma was one of these people who started talking before her brain was completely in gear.  That was her nature, and if she had those kinds of dips in her bubbly personality, then she had to learn how to fight that urge to speak, or she had to figure out how to avoid those dips.  But Wilma was always bubbly, what would cause her to not be bubbly earlier this past week and now back to bubbly?  She had never shown signs of a mental condition.  Mitzi was the candidate for that, but this was the first time I had ever seen Mitzi bubbly.  And Mitzi had been two-timed by her best friend with her best friend stealing her intended spouse.  Being dumped in such a way would leave anyone sour.

Then it hit me.  I asked, “Is the unwanted side effect of your being roommates and best friends that your monthly curse is synchronized?”

Their jaws dropped.  Before speaking, they looked at each other.  Wilma said, “She’s pretty good at this thing, isn’t she?”  Mitzi just laughed.

I added, “And finishing each other’s sentences is considered rude and condescending.  Eventually it will erode the friendship.  Do you really want to finish each other’s sentences?”

Mitzi said, “Aunt Pink, we want the type of friendship that Stinker and B.B. have.  We are still working on that.”

Wilma added, “But just last night, you did a great job of finishing my sentence, Mitzi.  Mommie Pinkie, I came home with a large pizza from Pizza a Go-Go.  I announced that I was so hungry that…”  The rest is in dialogue form:

Mitzi: that you could eat a pregnant water buffalo?
Wilma: No, and that’s disgusting!
Mitzi: You are so hungry you could eat a herd of elephants?
Wilma: I have heard of elephants, but I doubt if I could eat more than one.
Mitzi: Well, you might if you were really that hungry.
Wilma: Come on, Mitzi, I walked in with a large pizza.  Does that give you a hint?
Mitzi: Yeah, but good luck eating all of the pizza.  I snuck a piece when you weren’t looking.

Wilma said, “See?  We did a great job of finishing each other’s sentence.”

I laughed really hard.  Kanok came over to see if I was alright.  I often laugh, but not like that.

Kanok asked, “Mommie Pinkie, are you okay?”

I wiped away the tears, “Yes, Kanok.  Go back and play.  These ladies were just telling me something funny.”

I turned to them, “And now I know why Dr. Ellie is so concerned.  It was not simply a suggestion by B.B. to come see us.  B.B. and Dr. Ellie insisted on it.”

Mitzi turned to Wilma and said, “The jig is up.  The coppers are on to us.  They got the place surrounded.”

Wilma replied, “Bring ‘em on, Mitzi.  They’ll never take us alive!”

I snorted, “Your bosses, both B.B. and Dr. Ellie, think you have slipped off your rocker.  To me it sounds like you have been watching too many old B movies.  It sounds like Edward G. Robinson and James Cagney trying to out tough each other.”

Wilma asked, “Who are they?”

I groaned, “Okay then, Jason Statham and Samuel L. Jackson or maybe Tom Hardy?”

Their faces brightened, “Oh, yeah” in unison.

I held up my index finger. “The next time you both have a PMS attack at the same time, use sarcasm instead of overt dislike.  Say something like ‘Mitzi, you look like you bathed in honey last night.  You are so sweet.’  Then Mitzi’s reply could be, ‘In the past, I have tried that marshmallow cream with a cherry swirl bath like you tried last night, but it doesn’t work for me, not sweet enough.  Nice try though.’”

Wilma asked, “Where did you get that idea, Mommie Pinkie?”

I leaned back in my office chair, “Why don’t you ask Gwen Quinn?  She and I were synchronized at one time.  And rather than say hateful things to each other, everyone on campus knew what was going on when each compliment we would make toward each other became more sickly sweet than the last one did.  You ladies are creative.  I think you can do better.  Now for the sentence ending idea.  I said it can be rude and condescending, but the way you do it, it’s just goofy.  B.B. is worried that you will create twice the blooper reels that she and Stinker did.  Do you have better teamwork than before?  Remember, I have had people talk to me before you came in.”

Wilma’s bright and smiling face turned sour. “Aww.  That takes all the fun out of it.  I’d like to say we are a little better at not getting in each other’s way, but I think it is closer to us laughing about it rather than getting upset about it.”

I nodded, “That’s what I heard too.”

Mitzi said, “I think her upper frontals are so big that it gets in the way.  She thinks…”

Wilma said, “I think Mitzi has an upper frontal obsession.  There has to be a psychological disorder for UFO.”

I snickered, “I think Unidentified Flying Object is what that stands for.  Mitzi, have you seen any UFO’s lately?”

Mitzi nodded, “I was convinced that a fire truck was flying at the Turtle in a recent tornado chase.  It was somebody’s mailbox in the shape of a firetruck.  Hey!  I was close.  And I got great video of it, too.”

I nodded, “Okay, ladies.  You are key members of the B Team.  With the A Team having one pregnancy after another, the B Team must be reliable, not finishing each other’s sentences.  Ask B.B. and Stinker.  They rarely do that, but when handing something from one person to another, watch what you are doing.  Do not get in a hurry and then blame it on upper frontal diseases.  The teamwork will come just by working together more.  Now, how is the romance coming along, Wilma?”

Wilma smiled, “Fred is loving it that the two of us are roommates.  He comes over more often.  Mitzi is a witness that can state that we didn’t do anything.  But Mitzi lets us cuddle.  We watch old B movies together.  Some are the movies Dr. Ellie showed on her late night movie night at the state capitol.”

I groaned, “Watch something other than very old cops and robbers movies.  Just another suggestion.”

Wilma reddened.  Mitzi snickered.

Then I asked, “Now, Mitzi.  How is your therapy going with Baldy?”

Mitzi groaned, “If there is any progress, it is so slow that you cannot tell.”

I sighed, “You have only been at it for five weeks.  You are trying to erase at least three years of bad habits, and personal isolation.”

Wilma said, “No, Baldy has become obsessed with Mitzi, and he is being super nice.  He has been aloof with the other employees and residents.  He has finally started to accept a hug when the work is done right.  Darrell and Blake snicker because Baldy doesn’t know what to do, but then again, a lot of the ladies are older than his Mom.”

I asked Mitzi, “And why do you characterize this change in behavior as slow progress or even no progress?”

Mitzi shrugged, “I know where his eyes have been.  I know what goes through his mind. It’s all so creepy.”

I nodded, “I have not seen any sign that he is accepting the biblical message, much less the spiritual message underneath.  But he is finally going to church with you.”

Mitzi groaned, “Just more time to creep me out!  The deal was vespers every night.  Stinker and B.B. sit with him when I am on a storm chase, and that has almost been every Sunday afternoon until late Friday lately.  Sometimes, I make Friday vespers, but not often.  So, Saturday night, he is ready.  Freshly showered and too much cologne.  His best clothing on.  Now, he is the same way for Stinker’s Sunday school class and church after that.’

I smiled, “I think he is trying to be good under his own power.  That will collapse soon.  I hope he will find Jesus along the way.  But I think you are being too judgmental.  Give him a break.  He isn’t that bad looking.”

Mitzi sighed, “To be honest, with his bald head, I think he is a little cute, but I think of what he has done for the past three years.  Those same three years, I am well past halfway to a college degree.  He has been watching porn, and studies say that can totally mess with your hormones.  So, while he has been defiling his body and getting the idea that women are just playthings to gratify him, I’ve been…”

I finished her sentence, “working toward a dream job with a dream husband to justify the defiling of your body?”

Mitzi snarled, “That’s an accurate way of putting it, but it was nasty.”

I shrugged, “I wanted to illustrate how finishing sentences can turn bad.  I try to fix problems.  When I made you his teacher, I was putting two broken people in the same situation.  Two wrongs do not make a right.  That was my fault.  He is trying.  He is working hard because you are the only woman that ever gave him any chance of accomplishing anything.  You must forget what he used to be.  And see him for what he is.  I do not think he is a Christian, but when you keep pushing away, he may never see that Christianity in you.  Remember, he is infatuated with you, and when he sees a lack of forgiveness in you, then he may reject everything that we talk about at Lily the Pink.  To him, and his limited concept of what he wants, he will see Christianity as a big joke.  You rededicated your life to Christ recently.  You need to know how to forgive.  You need to start by forgiving yourself.  Then forgive him for the things he used to do.  Then forgive your former best friend and fiancé.”

Mitzi raised her eyes up to my level.  She wanted to say something.  Then she lowered her eyes and began to cry.  Wilma wrapped her arms around her and gave her a hug.

A minute later, maybe more, Mitzi said in muffled tones. “Upper Frontal Disease!  I can’t breathe!”

Wilma shrugged, “Just trying to help. Sorry!”

I shook my head, “Okay, you two.  I have made a few suggestions.  You two are going to have to work things out between you two, with Fred, and with Baldy.”

Wilma said, “But that’s not all, Mommie Pinkie.  Tell her, Mitzi.”

“Should I show her instead?” she asked.

I moaned, “If it is sexual in nature, just tell me.”

Mitzi said, “When I was about to call my folks and tell them that I would be storm chasing during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, I received a series of texts from my mother.  She had gone to a fitness center in the neighboring county.  She walked into the men’s shower and asked if any of them would like to ‘date’ me when I got home for the holidays.  Five guys allowed Mom to take a picture of their nude bodies.  She texted me each of the pictures and said that I could date each one and then decide who was a better replacement for Herbie.  I was shocked, but I called my mother and told her what I had intended on telling her.  I was now a member of the B Team and I had to be available to go storm chasing.  Well, Mom went back to the gym and told the guys it was off, again walking into the men’s shower to tell them.  One of the guys said that Mom would do as a replacement.  So, then Mom texted me pictures of her satisfying five guys all at the same time.  It’s all on my phone.”

I shook my head, “I do not want to see those pictures.  You may want to delete them.”

Mitzi shook her head, “No, the pictures are etched in my brain.  Dad found out, and he slept with our Thai housekeeper.  I don’t think she has a green card anymore, and they pay her under the table.  Then, Dad went to the bunkhouse.  My parents would hire widows and orphans.  If they could do farming work, he would let them live in the bunkhouse.  He went into the bunkhouse and slept with two women there.  Now, those two women sleep with him, and Mom sleeps in the guest bedroom with two of her gym buddies.  It’s all disgusting.  Mom sends pictures.  Dad is discrete, sort of.  He tells me about it without photographs.  Mommie Pinkie, I started this sleepover with Wilma because they shut the dorms down for the Christmas holidays.  To be around for Turtle activities, I needed a place to crash.  And Wilma wanted it to be permanent to work on teamwork.  But now, I can’t go home.  There is too much mess going on.”

I nodded.  “I would give you your own apartment under the circumstances, but it seems you and Wilma and Fred have established yourselves as some sort of family.  I think you are a good chaperon since naughty behavior has left you without a home.  Revenge sex is nasty, and it never works out.  But Mitzi, you now have two more that you have to find a way to forgive.  Let that one simmer.  In all their sleeping around, something is about to explode, or the new will wear off and people will go back to their original bedrooms. Work on what you can work on here and let that situation take care of itself.  God can work miracles.  And maybe all this happened so that you are left here to work on your teamwork.”

Mitzi asked, “Do you give hugs at the end of your counseling sessions?”

I smiled and walked around the desk.  “I can make an exception.”  I hugged each of them.

Joon ran over laughing. “Goop hug!”  And before I knew it, we were all in a big group hug.

Credits

Most universities try to close down the dorms during the holidays, but that is not that easy for the foreign exchange students.  So, there are some movements that are made to shut down as many dorms as possible for maintenance or simply to save on utilities.