Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

Not quite six months ago, I came up with the idea of a weird couples’ club.  It is amazing that they did not like the name, but they like each other.  Fred came up with a different name, Perfectly Polite Passionate and Particularly Pleasant People.  And the Six P Group took off.  They have monthly meetings

Then again, a lot of couples could become members.  Aren’t there differences in any couple?  But now, the club has set up its own rules for membership.  Even though Scrammie and I are emeritus members, the club decides.  After meeting Babs and Harold, the club leadership was wondering if they would like to join.

But first, I needed an update from the assignment that Babs and Harold worked on.

Babs and Harold entered in good spirits.  Really, I thought it would take a lot to wipe the smiles off their faces.  I think that is the wonders of a honeymoon.  You return, having lost yourself in the joys of wedded bliss, without having to wash the dishes or change the sheets.  When you simply move in, all that wedded bliss is lost in the adjustments you make in your daily lives, but I have been hearing that they have purposefully been doing laundry together and washing dishes.

I welcomed them and showed them to the visitors’ chairs and I sat facing them.  Unlike my couples counseling, I let them sit next to each other.  Newlyweds like to hold hands and touch each other.  I did not have to establish distance to prevent a fight.

I said, “I have read your reports about the honeymoon destination and I need a few clarifications, but let’s worry about that after I catch up.  You did not just go there to report on the amenities, you went there for a honeymoon.  How did you two make out?”

Babs went from smiling with an obvious story to enraged in a fraction of a second.  Babs gasped, “Pink!  How dare you!  I am a lady and I do not discuss such things.  I do not kiss and tell!  That is private between me, Harold, and God.”  Harold leaned away from her, a little in shock from the change in emotions.

She had me off balance, “I’m sorry.  I did not mean my question quite that way.  Harold has been a widower for a few years.  He took care of an ill wife for many years before that, and I doubt if intimacy was on the table during those years.  Here, let me provide a totally different introduction to our meeting.  Hmm.  Harold, Babs, you look pale.  I am concerned for your health.  Have you been getting enough sun lately?”

The roller coaster went to the far extreme.  Babs doubled over laughing.  “I like that intro a lot better, but in a way, I was joking.  After all, I have done some acting.  But I have never had the chance to take the high road, and that felt good.  I was always the one who would say, ‘If you won’t, I will.’  This time, I had God’s blessing.  That felt so good.  But as to your concern, Harold was a stallion.  Endurance of a man twenty years younger.  He wasn’t good; he was great!”

I laughed, “And somewhere amidst all your responses is the truth.  At first, Harold was concerned with your first response and embarrassed by the ‘stallion’ comment.  Now, can I get a one-word assessment of the honeymoon destination?”

Harold sighed, “This sounds like being too judgmental.  They were fantastic except in one thing.  They were unprepared.  That’s my word, unprepared.  Françoise Franks was very prepared to host us at the house, but she needs to go with Francis to these cities and have a honeymoon in each one.  There is far too much to do in each city for a one-day trip, even an overnighter in each city, but other than taking the bus into Savannah and then picking us up at the airport, she had never been to any of the three cities.  I expect her guests in the future will ask about one ghost tour or another or any of several historical home tours.  Francis Franks had been to each city a couple of times over the years with his wife, but some restaurants that he raved about had closed.  So, when someone asks what is the best historical tour in Charleston, SC, they need their opinion, but they need to ask what the couple’s personal interests are.  The answer may be different if they are more historically minded or architecturally minded.  We were lucky in Charleston.  I had heard about the Nathaniel Russell House.  It is three stories with a free-flying articulated spiral staircase, an engineering marvel even using today’s standards.  It was built in 1808.  Of course, I was in engineering heaven at the staircase, and Babs looked at it and said, ‘Yes, Harold, a beautiful spiral staircase.  Don’t have a cow!’  Then, I talked about what articulated means and how each step rests totally on the one beneath, and houses were just not built that way until decades later, and then rarely.  But that is the kind of knowledge they need.  Yes, Françoise Franks has only been in the area a little over a month and most of that was redesigning the house and getting married to Francis.”

I smiled, “You know what I think.  I think Francis and Françoise Franks need to take three extended honeymoons.  They need to go to each city for a week, taste test a different restaurant each lunch and each dinner meal and take tours at each location.  Visit the local beaches in each location.  The problem they will face is that money will be no object for one couple, and there will be a cap on spending with the next.  I think they need to know where to eat for each price range.”

Babs asked, “The house is ready for occupancy now, but nothing is advertised.  Can you afford to wait?  And who pays for this?”

I smiled, “I pay for it.  It becomes more that Sknarf, excuse me, Gordon needs to reimburse.  I do not want to give too many people the idea that he likes being called Sknarf.  So far, he accepts that nickname from Julia, Missy, and me, since we were the only ones in the room when he told us that was his name.”

“Françoise had two questions when we first arrive,” Babs said, “What do Babs and Sknarf mean?  Someone told them.  And when are Julia and Sknarf getting married?  I am sure he’ll honeymoon at his own house.”

I nodded, “I need to talk to Francis about the little three-week honeymoon he is taking.  Will he be willing to take the time away from the farm?”

Harold nodded, “His son, Ben, runs the farm.  Ben will probably send his high school senior to the barn each day to gather eggs.  The problem is whether Francis can trust Ben to keep his hands off Gabbie.”

I nodded, “I thought he had a confession and a clearing of the air.”

Babs nodded, ‘Yes, it was quite touching, but that was the night before we left and we were kind of rushed the next day.  We bought so much, we had to buy another suitcase.  We bought you a sweetgrass basket.”

I gasped, “I hear they are rather pricey.”

Babs nodded, “Hand-made.  A lot of work went into it.”  She pulled the basket from the shopping bag that I had not even noticed.

I gasped, “This is beautiful, and it is so soft.  Baskets are usually hard and rigid.  Now I see why they are so in demand.”

Harold said, “And she didn’t even see what was in the basket.  Amy warned us about that.”

I giggled, “I am not curious at all about things, but people?  I want to know all the details about people.  What is in the small bag?”

Harold said, “Beggar beads from Savannah, some people think they hold mystical powers, but they are just a simple necklace with polished stones and some semiprecious stones, mostly earth tone colors.  Believe me, they are inexpensive.”

I said, “You got one with a few pink stones, and my attire is basically earth tones today, so it is perfect.”  Babs helped me with my hair since I had it down, and I put the necklace on.  “I’m going to have to give you two friends more free trips.  You come back with goodies!  Do you have anything from St. Augustine?”

Babs said, “Not much.  It’s a small vial of water.”

I asked, “A small vial of water?  What are you talking about?”

Harold nodded to Babs, “Tell her where the water comes from.”

Babs shrugged, “You have probably never heard of the place.  The water is from this strange spring near the beach.  I think someone said it was discovered by an explorer.  Hmm. What was his name?  Oh, yeah, Ponce de Leon’s Fountain of Youth.”

I brightened, “Yes, gimme, gimme, gimme!  But wait!  I do not want to get young by myself.  I need to share this with a few friends.”

Babs pulled out a small bottle of water.  “If you share it with too many people, Amy and Ralph E. bought a case.  They called us the day before we were to go to St. Augustine to ask if we were on schedule and they joined us for our tour.  And if you want Francis and Françoise Franks to be well trained, they might want to take golf lessons.  Hilton Head Island, SC is across the river from Savannah, and the Golf Hall of Fame is on the outskirts of St. Augustine.  We met the Niblicks when we picked up Gabbie.  Oops, we were supposed to forget that they were there.”

I laughed, “Don’t worry about it.  They aren’t the people I asked to push the paperwork through, but Pauline is a walking, talking lie detector.  They probably contracted with her to interview Gabrielle.  But this is the second time her name has come up.  What about Ben and Gabbie?”

Harold nodded, “That first night in the hotel in Savannah, Gabbie snuck into Ben’s room, and they talked for a couple of hours until she had calmed down, and the jet lag hit her.  Then, when we took the trip to St. Augustine, FL, we did not get home until very late.  That is the longest drive for a day trip, but they have a courtesy curtain behind the front seat in their luxury car, and you can close the curtain and do what newlyweds do unobserved.  We found Ben visiting Gabbie in her bedroom.  She moved into the servant’s room in the house until they can figure out what to do.  Ben and Gabbie were dressed.  They said that they had not done anything, but an untucked shirt here and lipstick stains and such, we knew something was going on.  While in St. Augustine, the Newmans said that they were delaying our return to Friday night.  The Florida people that the Newmans visited had everything ready, but the people in Savannah had demands and they had negotiated, but they needed to return to Savannah now that the paperwork had been rewritten.  The Newman’s lawyer had ensured the agreed changes were made and nothing else, so we were not in a hurry to repack and leave.  Ben called for a meeting.  His three youngest children were there.  Francis and Françoise were there.  And we were there.  Ben confessed to being very handsy with Gabbie, and he knew that they were going to go too far very soon.  Then, he said that the night before this meeting, he had a nightmare.  The dream was that all four of his children were having sexual misconduct in his house.  If Dad could cross the line, they could too.  Ben’s children start with a twenty-year-old boy in college.  He was the only one missing at the meeting.  Then there is a seventeen-year-old girl, a fourteen-year-old girl, and then an eleven-year-old boy.  The youngest two are not even dating yet.  Ben woke up from his dream and begged God to forgive him, but he still wanted to date Gabbie.  They might not take very long, but they needed to keep a safe distance apart.  Maybe even chaperoned.  Gabbie spoke up and said that she had been reading the Bible.  She had gotten a Louis Segond Bible in Paris.  Françoise was excited about being a Baptist, and Gabbie was starting to understand how Jesus was the promise God had made to the Jews.  She had spent the entire flight to Savannah reading the Bible.  But she did not want to give up her Jewish faith.  Her husband had lost his life for his faith.  She found a Messianic Jewish Synagogue on the way to Savannah, and they agreed to attend that church on special holy days during the year, and the country Baptist church each Sunday.  I am thinking they might get married in the late Spring or the Summer.  But neither of them can trust each other.  So, when they go on a date, the children go along.  At least that is the plan for now, and the three children love Gabbie.  Their mother died from a car accident, and they have been lost without having that mother touch in the house.  Two girls and a boy just starting into puberty.”

I asked, “Is that going to be a distraction for Francis and Françoise?”

Babs said, “I do not think so.  Mother and daughter do a great tag team, as if they practiced it.  Gabbie has taken over all cleaning chores, and she shares in the cooking.  Ben spends most of his days at his farm, while Francis is trying to redesign the barn for an extra bedroom.  Maybe a few extra rooms, since he and Françoise are wanting a big family of their own.  That made me a little jealous.  I came out the other side of menopause while at the assisted living home in Arizona.  I would have loved to have a child, but I avoided it for business reasons.”

I asked, “Have you thought of adopting?”

Babs said, “In spite of our ages, Harold has agreed, but not yet.  We are newlyweds, and I just inherited four grandchildren.  But something tells me that Willie might not be finished.”

Harold gave her a look, “She hasn’t said anything.”

Babs snickered, “Men!  Like women need to say something.”

Harold said, “It seems this subject has reached a conclusion.  I have a complaint.  Maybe I should call the police, but I do not wish to make a big deal about it.  We got home and there had been a break in.  There were flower petals that led to the master bedroom.  There was a pile of flower petals on the bed and Babs’ chest of drawers was sitting next to mine.  There was an armoire with her clothing inside, at least some of her clothing. And the bed was new.  It had the same feel to it that the delightful bed in Georgia had.  There were brand new tulip sheets on the bed and a large tulip comforter.  So, I want to know Mrs. Yeggs, are you the yegg that broke into my house?”

I shrugged, “I have been accused in the past of breaking into someone’s house and giving them a bed as a wedding present.  It is very suspicious that you e-mailed me about getting the best night’s sleep on the heart-shaped bed in Vidalia, GA.  It is amazing how someone can call a certain person named Francis and then get the name of a Mennonite bed maker, who knows another Mennonite bed maker that has a shop near here.  But in the past, one of the newlyweds slipped a key to a friend to facilitate the surprise.  In this case, that was not necessary.  Morrie and Willie both have keys to the front door.  Tony and Little Joe have your extra remote for the garage door in order to feed and walk your dog.  I hear that Sugar is a cute beagle mix.  And usually, what I get, for no apparent reason at all is a ‘Thank you.’ Even though I did not do it.  You know, I am a philanthropist.  I guess people assume.”  I blinked a few times for added effect.

Harold began to smile, “Thank you.  The mattress is heavenly.”

I smiled, “I will pass along a ‘You’re welcome’ to those that may or may not have been involved.  But I have one more order of business.  There is a club here that has only been meeting six months, but they are looking at expanding their membership.  It was the weird couples’ club, but they call themselves Perfectly Polite Passionate and Particularly Pleasant People or the Six P group.”

Babs cleared her throat, “Pink, I do not wish to speak of being offended yet again, but are you calling Harold and me weird?”

I blinked a couple of times, “No dear.  They look for unusual couples for one reason or another.  They may just like you two.  But the president of the group is Mags Kildare.  Her secretary is Tamara Collins.  They are the ones who asked me to call you for a meeting.”  I pushed a button.

Mags, Tamara and Wilma all entered.  Harold and Babs remembered seeing them at the wedding reception.

Harold asked, “Since Pink does not admit to nominating us, how are we weird?”

Wilma said, “I thought the weird tag was lost, but I would like either of you to identify another couple in the history of histories where the woman sees a man talking to her in her dreams and telling her about Jesus, after a dream of a different Bible study each night for over a year, she sells everything and moves to the big city of Tracy to meet the man in her dreams.  Sure, a lot of people marry the man OF their dreams, but you married the man IN your dreams.”

Mags said, “We had Wilma come in because she is the only one who could keep those details straight, and you became a Christian and were baptized in a reservoir in Arizona without ever having attended church, only seeing these dreams.”

Babs reddened, “Hi, friends, Harold may not be weird, but I am weird enough for both of us.”

Tamara said, “We only have seven couples now, with you eight, plus three emeritus couples.  Actually, Maeve and Thou Yeggs have only missed one meeting when they could not find a substitute counselor.  So, maybe they are not emeritus.  We want to be philanthropic, maybe have fundraising dinners or something.  And you two are heavily involved with food banks and the feeding of the homeless.”

Harold brightened, “I have a great idea.  Every food bank has a lot of people being helped, but some are well funded with plenty of volunteers, but Babs and I have been to many food banks who are down to their last few dollars and the cupboards are empty.  We write out a check.  Some churches do not actively support the food bank in their own church, they just give them the space, so people do not think to donate.  But if you are seven couples, who are the couples?  I know Mags is married to Dr. Kildare, but who else?”

Still with white tips on her hair, Tamara said, “Bart Clarkson has just proposed, but we have not set a date.  You’ll get our stories with the newsletter and welcome packet.”

Wilma said, “My boyfriend is Fred.  We are both Turtle-eers.  His codename is Flintstone and mine is Hoople.  Fred hardly says a word, and I never stop talking.  The oldest couple is Ash Yeggs and his late-wife’s twin sister Vieve.  Grannie Fannie and Lancelot are another couple.  Who does not like an alien like Gordon “Sknarf” Franks, but Julia is his betrothed.  Yes, they use that term.  They are trying to find a day in June or July.  And the high school seniors are Blaise Yeggs, who tied the cans to your five cars, and his girlfriend of the past four years, Marguerite Justice.  I guess Mommie Pinkie has said that any couple has something unique about them, so the group will definitely grow.”

Babs said, “I have a suggestion for a couple of couples who live in Georgia.  They could attend the meetings by Zoom or something like that.”

Mags asked, “What is unique about them?”

Babs smiled, “Francis Franks, Gordon’s uncle, hired a French girl nearly forty years younger.  She was about to lose her visa, so he married her.  At least she can speak English about like Jochebed.  Her mother is struggling with the English language.  So, he marries her because he is lonely.  She marries him for American citizenship, but they fall in love in the meantime.  Then her mother shows up.  She meets Francis Franks’ son, Ben.  Her name is Gabrielle Cohen, a French Jewess, escaping antisemitism as was her daughter, Françoise Franks.  Ben’s wife had lost his wife in a car accident about two years ago.  He has three children still at home that need a mother figure.  Ben and Gabrielle immediately hit it off, but if they get married, Françoise becomes her own grandmother.  Françoise is married to Ben’s father and Ben would be married to the mother of Françoise, which means she will be her own Grandma.  I think there is a song about that, but the male side of it.”

Mags, Tammie, and Wilma were each holding it in, but typical of the one who never stops talking, Wilma burst out laughing first. “Yes, they are perfect, but our meetings are mostly social, getting to know each other.”

I suggested, “I can ship them some cider.  In fact, when they are hosting newlyweds, I want our cider to be one of the options.  Not the same as being here for the meetings, but maybe they can become a remote group with the same type of philanthropic angle.”

Julia came into the room, not knocking since she knew her fellow six P friends were recruiting the Dykstras.  “Mommie Pinkie, I have a little problem.  Mr. Dykstra handed me the keys to his car, and he said their was a payment for the construction work in the trunk.  I thought that strange since checks can fit in your pocket.  The trunk is filled with bags of cracked, but unshelled pecans.  I work out.  I can lift them, but there must be hundreds of pounds of pecans.  Where do I put them?”

Harold waved a hand.  “It’s only about one hundred pounds, a little over.  I split them up in kitchen trash bags so that Babs and I could carry them to the car.  They are not our gift.  They come from Francis Franks as a downpayment on the honeymoon house renovations.”

I got excited, “Tell your betrothed to talk to the Drivers.  They are from Florida, and they know all about roasting pecans and making pecan pies.  Sknarf probably knows that stuff too, but the Drivers help in the kitchen.  Then, contact Scrammie and tell him to get with Mabel and start thinking of bakery items with pecans.  We can easily double or triple the value of their reimbursement on the initial renovations.”

Harold said, “We went back to the airport in the hillbilly limo just to bring back the pecans.  The hillbilly limo is a cute idea, but the added luggage space makes it flexible.  Besides, just for laughs, we tried out the bed on the way to the airport … just not enough time…

Credits

For those who do not read the Babs and Harold conversations that come out on Friday mornings, they are designed to be a conversational Bible Study, just two people talking.  But sometimes, they have guests and more people get involved.  Until now, Babs has rented the upstairs apartment, and the thought was that she would be Harold’s caregiver when the time came for that.  But now, they have an entire apartment upstairs for visitors.

Here is Ray Stevens singing I’m My Own GrandPa.  He admits in the intro that he did not write the song, and the original idea came from Mark Twain.  And to learn about the incest laws, the Babs and Harold discussion twelve days ago discusses those Scriptures, after it was discovered that Ben and Gabbie “liked” each other.  You know, why start dating if they can’t get married?

And unshelled pecans weigh 5-6 pounds per gallon, and trunks vary in volume capacity, with the larger ones about 16 gallons.  There might not be quite 100 pounds of pecans.  So, this “payment” might retail for $500 – $700, but it was the gesture and what could a bakery do with them?  Besides, if you have followed Pink Lady from the beginning, she cares more about how she can impact other people’s lives than making a profit… But the money keeps coming in.