Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Lieutenant Deviled Yeggs.  I work homicide in the big city of Tracy.  Working for me are my old partners: Detective Sgt. Jim Wednesday and Detective Poached Yeggs, my nephew who is slowly becoming a good detective.

But maybe the best detective is my daughter, Sophia.  Sophia has something up her sleeve.  This is a first-person, Sophia report.

Mr. Kellogg, my chemistry teacher, cleared his throat, “Miss Yeggs, you are to place the cellphone in the cell jail and take your seat.  You are not to make one last text.”

I said, “Sorry, Mr. Kellogg, but it looks like I might have a paid job after the ballgame, but maybe not.”

Mr. Kellogg was the most understanding of my teachers, but he was also the hardest.  We had a big test on Friday.  “Which of your business interests is calling now?”

I smiled, “The detective job.  I just expanded my interests to pet detective.  Apparently, a parrot is missing in the Crystal Mountain, but I did not know anyone had a pet parrot.”

Mr. Kellogg smiled, “And apparently if you cannot get your head on the topic of thermochemistry, you may struggle on the test on Friday.  This is one of the four big tests, and thermochemistry is where a lot of people start getting confused.  We need all of you to have your heads in chemistry.  The rivalry softball with Central Baptist is this afternoon.  That was the team’s only loss this past year, and Flintheart has struggled in games that were easy last year, due to getting used to a rookie at first base.  I hear Carla hit a home run for T.R.U.S.T. last night.  But it is apparent to me that the missing parrot is at least your third or fourth priority today.  Now, we need to look at the change in enthalpy in the exothermic reactions that you were to investigate last night.  How is that for a detective assignment, Miss Yeggs?”

I nodded, “I worked hard on those reactions last night.  And I sent a text for them to give me updates on the parrot mystery.  So, I can devote my full attention to thermochemistry in the meantime.  Thank you for your understanding and support.”

Mr. Kellogg winked, “Just be ready for the test, Miss Yeggs.  Syrupy compliments do not give you bonus points.”

Chemistry is my first period of the day.  After lunch, we are hosting Minnie Otherwise and her Central Baptist team.  Minnie Others was married last Halloween to Sgt. Guy Weiss, the desk sergeant at the detective precinct where Dad is the lieutenant in charge of all detectives.  She accepted his name with no hyphens.  She is officially Minnie Weiss, but including her maiden name, it is Minnie Others Weiss.   So, while her husband is known as “Wise Guy” at the precinct, Minnie is Coach Minnie Otherwise on the field.  I think since she holds a lot of the Flintheart records in four girls’ sports, she’ll always be Minnie Others to a lot of people.

But like Mr. Kellogg said, I needed to study hard for this upcoming test.  It’s a good thing that Margie and Blaise made it through chemistry last year with flying colors.  I’ll pick Margie’s brain during the game, and if the mystery parrot was found, I would pick Blaise’s brain all the way home.  If I am going to be my Dad’s boss someday, I had to excel in chemistry and physics.  Thermochemistry is part of what is going on as a dead body gets cold, helping with time of death calculations.  And the trajectory of the bullet is physics.  At least that is how Dad explained that I needed to take both courses, plus my brother Easy said Mr. Kellogg rode him hard which helped Easy learn how to study.

When I finally had a break before the softball game, I pulled my cellphone out of my gym bag, and I found over one hundred texts from people all over the Lily the Pink campus.  There was a video.  It clearly showed Menzie with a parrot on her shoulder.  Every time Menzie said, “Polly want a cracker,” the parrot squawked and said, “Polly want a whiskey.”

There was a text from Professor Angus, Menzie’s father.  He was angry that she made such a purchase without clearing it with Missy and himself.  Her money made at the Taz was to be used for her education and starting her life, not frivolous spending.  And if she was going to train the parrot to ask for alcoholic spirits, it needed to be Scotch whiskey.  A MacDougall would not drink anything else!

Madelaine said that the first bird sighting was Gigi.  Gigi was practically too excited to get the words out, but she saw a red flash streak across the windows between the nursery’s sandbox and the path to the beach volleyball court.

Zuzka texted that she saw a similar flash of red above her greenhouse that is converted into an office.

Before I could read any more, Coach Kessinger yelled, “Sophie, I know you have business interests, but those will have to wait.  We need your head in the game.  Central Baptist might be our toughest opponent.  Jessy is still learning how to play first base.  We cannot have you distracted.  Now, get out there and throw it around.  Feed some grounders to Jessy.  Now, move!”

It was hard to focus.  The girl who declared me as her best friend forever said nothing about getting a parrot.  But then again, her father, albeit an adoptive father, did not know either.  And the shortstop needed to trust the second base person.  And I was the shortstop, and I needed to be able to trust Menzie.  Menzie sensed something was wrong.  We each made an error, and mine cost us a run.  We did not make two double plays, due to fumbling the ball and hesitating on the relay throw.  Jessy made two errors herself.  One of those cost us a run.  Jessy made up for her errors and ours by hitting a home run with Menzie and me on the bases.  Flintheart beat Central Baptist 3-2 with a walk off home run in the bottom of the last inning.

Coach Kessinger was happy with the win, but she told us that we made it hard on ourselves.  The box score made it look like we should have lost, although Margie had no earned runs scored against her.

But on the way to Lily the Pink on the Pink bus, Menzie asked to sit with me.  Emmett sat with Samuel.

Menzie asked, “What’s wrong, bestie?  You never make fielding mistakes, and you were even fumbling the throw to second so that I was unable to pivot and throw to first.  If it were not for the Baptist pitcher that missed her mark and Jessy connected, we would have lost the game.”

I moaned, “Don’t remind me.  I took Coach Kessinger’s talk after the game personally.  All day long, I have been getting texts, mostly from Zuzka, Jochebed and Madelaine.  Preschool was a wash.  Zuzka got nothing done.  All because my best friend forever bought a red parrot and then accidentally released it into the Crystal Mountain.  Your Dad is angry with you.  You bought something without discussing it with him.  You were careless.  And when you taught the dumb bird to say something, you forgot you were Scottish.”

Menzie said, “I have no idea what you are talking about, but Da would get angry at me forgetting I am Scottish.”

I growled, “Don’t play dumb with me.  Here’s the video!”

Menzie watched the video with both hands covering her mouth.  She burst out laughing when the parrot said, “Polly want some whiskey!”

I said, “You cannot deny that is you.”

Menzie said, “Play it back again.”  She asked for me to stop a few times.  Then Menzie said, “Wow!  I was just an unknown singer at a jazz club in Tracy.  I never thought someone would do an AI deep fake with me saying and doing things I never said or did.  They used a video that Aunt Jemima and B.B. made a couple of months ago.  At least I was wearing that blouse for their video.  I was standing in front of a green screen.  Notice how I make no big movements when the bird flaps its wings.  If I had just bought the parrot, I would flinch or something.  And don’t parrots mimic what you say?  Why does the parrot change what it wants?  What else do you have besides a deep fake video?”

I said, “They put the video up on all screens soon after we left for school.  Aunt Pink announced that the parrot was perched on your shoulder, eating from your hand, and then it was spooked by something and flew toward the highest parts of the Crystal Mountain.  All attempts to get it to come down failed, and you did not wish to miss your bus to school.  She said that any sightings of the bird should be brought to my attention as Aunt Pink was hiring me to find the missing parrot.”

Menzie asked, “I have never known Aunt Pink to lie, but I do not own a parrot.  I did not even play with someone else’s parrot before school today.  So, I have no idea where Aunt Pink got her information.  Were there any sightings?  After all, the parrot does not exist.”

I held out my phone and thumbed past a hundred texts that I had not read yet.  “This is the usual sighting.  Gigi was first to see it.  Madelaine texted me, but what she said is about what everyone says.  This red flash flies across the window and if you blink you missed it.  And you know how Gigi gets when she gets excited.  She got all the other kids excited, and Madelaine had to forget her entire lesson plan and have the children walk around the Crystal Mountain.  The children made three more sightings, and Madelaine was looking in the right direction one of those times.  A red flash and it disappears on the other side of the tree and when they get to the other side of the tree it was gone.  All the sightings were low to the ground.  No higher than the second floor, somehow obscured from the view from the elevated walkways.  One long text was from Joseline.  She is afraid of someone falling if they see the bird and get distracted from what they are doing.  It’s Spring planting time for a lot of the stuff that has not already been planted and growing.”

Menzie asked, “But the parrot does not exist.  How can there be sightings?  Did any of the sightings clearly see a parrot or just something red that flashed by?  And who could make something like …”

Menzie and I looked at each other and said in unison. “Blaise!”

Blaise was sitting in the row in front on the opposite side.  He turned and asked, “What?”

Menzie said, “You created a device to make it look like a parrot was flying all over the Crystal Mountain.”

Blaise said, “No way!  My prank days are far behind me.”  I showed him the stream of texts from people all over Lily the Pink.  He thumbed through the descriptions of what they saw, and then he handed me back the phone.  Blaise said, “Jim Kaiser set me up.  He wanted to set up a comet launch system.  He had a box on the floor, and a box near the ceiling.  White ping pong balls with LED lights inside and streamers behind.  I came up with all kinds of ideas that involved fireworks and rockets, but it had to be silent.  So, instead of a catapult, I dreamed up a super-fast reel.  He made several of them, and we tested them in the Crystal Mountain since he wanted this to be a surprise for little Karl.  Change the white to red and you have your parrot sightings, but he would have to hide the launch point and the docking point.  And if you looked carefully, you would see the cord.  If that is what it is that is producing these parrot sightings, he had to have modified my design.  And I have no idea where the ‘parrot’ comes from or where it is going, but it would have to be roughly in a straight line.  I can ask Jim a few questions if you would like.”

I shrugged, “No, Aunt Pink hired me to investigate once I got to Lily the Pink.  Just keep this conversation to yourself.  You too, Margie.”

Margie said, “I am in my love ‘em’s arms.  Address me as Marguerite.”

I replied, “Not on your life, Marge.”

Marguerite said to Blaise, “In the area of ‘playing well with others’ your sister is lacking on occasion.”

I growled, “We may have made our errors, but you got the win and your ERA was zero due to the two runs coming off errors.  So, we did pretty good with the playing with others thing this afternoon.”

Emmett joined the conversation, “When you played at Central Baptist last year, it was on their field.  Is it true that when they warm up a relief pitcher in their bull pen they use a dunk tank?”

Menzie asked, “What!?”

I groaned, “From an ex-Baptist, that was naughty, Sweetie.”

Menzie shrugged, “I don’t get it.”

I said, “Baptists believe in baptism by immersion, you know, dunking them under the water.  Dunk Tank.  Get it now?”

Menzie shrugged, “Sure, but it was not that funny.”

Blaise chuckled, “I got it, future Bro, and I was quite amused.”

Grannie Fannie was our substitute driver.  She said over the intercom, “I got it and if I sit in the dunk tank, I want Marguerite pitching.  Because if I need my sins washed away, I don’t want the pitcher to miss.  And I saw the parrot one of those times, and it looked like a parrot.”

Blaise laughed, “But with everyone looking for a parrot, you saw something moving fast, flying about, and your mind added what was not there.  Just like the comets that I made for Jim Kaiser.  You thought it was a comet, and it looked like one.  It moves too fast to see any details.”

Grannie Fannie laughed, “PhD in Engineering and a Masters in Psychology.  I can see it now, and he hasn’t graduated high school yet.”

When we came through the front door at Lily the Pink, Julia, head of security in Tracy, was there, directing us into Aunt Pink’s office.  Aunt Pink wanted to see the six of us.

I walked in first and said, “Aunt Pink, I need to take a shower.  We came directly from the ballfield.  My street clothes are in my gym bag.”

Aunt Pink smiled, “I trust you won the game? But wait, sit down before you answer.”

All six of us sat down.  I said, “I was distracted with a missing parrot and the expansion of interactions that the parrot entailed.  Jessy is new at first base, but it was her homer in the bottom of the last inning that won the game, three to two, two unearned runs, so Marguerite is keeping her ERA low.”

Aunt Pink winked, “I was listening on the radio, but thanks for showing your faults.  I asked you to investigate the matter at hand, and I think you have come to a conclusion already.  I ask you to keep it quiet until nightly vespers.  I have a presentation after the vespers.  I have let all shifts know that you have already solved the mystery, but it will not be revealed until then.  We might have people hanging from the rafters.  It’s usually standing room only without an incentive.  I am sorry, but that is all I can say at this time.  Now, scoot, I think you three softball players need a shower.”

Menzie huffed, “I will have you know, Mommie Pinkie, that I am a Southern Lady.  I do not sweat.  I glisten.”

Aunt Pink huffed right back, “The south side of the big city of Tracy does not constitute being a Southern Lady.”

Menzie moaned, “Well, at least I tried.”

That night at vespers, Rev C.S.L. gave a great message about perseverance even when things look bleak and you aren’t at your best.  I think he was talking straight to Menzie and me.

Then Pink Lady came on stage carrying a bird cage under a cover, or so it seemed.

She announced, “The search for Menzie’s parrot is over.  And it was not Menzie’s parrot.  It was mine.  I bought it about six months ago in a bazaar just for this occasion.”  She removed the cover and there was a stuffed parrot on its perch in the cage.  “See, the parrot is back in its cage.  In fact, the parrot never left its cage.  Can anyone tell me why?”

Blaise said, “The parrot does not move.  I think it is a stuffed parrot.  It does not move because it is dead.  It is probably nailed to the perch.”

Pink said, “Great observation, Mr. Gizmo.”

The screens came alive and showed the dead parrot sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

Pink gasped, “I am so glad they switched to commercial at that point.  I do not think we want to see frontal nudity.”

Menzie said, “But in the video you showed everyone this morning, the parrot moved its feet, fluttered its wings a little, and the mouth moved.  And I did not say those things.  And, Da, I will never forget my Scottish heritage.  I cannot wait to become old enough to taste Scotch and find out what the big deal is.”

Amy G. Dala came onto stage, about seven-months pregnant.  “Ralph E and I were given a chance to work on some Artificial Intelligence Deep Fake video.  We obtained a video that Jemima and Mary took of a local celebrity, Menzie.  Please, Menzie, do not be angry with them.  Your commercial is coming out soon on all the local channels.  ‘The singer at the Snazzy Taz donates time and money to feeding the homeless.  She hopes to see her fans there, ready to do some work, no special skills are required, just a caring heart.’  Yeah, I know what you said, but I reprogrammed what you said.  AI learned what a parrot does when perched on someone’s shoulders.  Then since you were in front of a green screen, it was easy to put the Crystal Mountain in the background and the parrot on your shoulder.”

Zuzka stood up, as if she needed to stand to be above everyone else.  “But Gigi saw bird.  Then I saw bird.  Then half the people here saw bird.”

Jim Kaiser came out on stage.  He produced a little ball, about the size of a racquetball.  It was red and a couple of plastic streamers were attached.  “You mean you saw a red flash go past.  Your mind conditioned you to look for a bird.  You saw red.  The bird was red.  You jumped to a conclusion.”

Zuzka said, “I see ball in your hand.  I not see bird.”

Jim Kaiser pulled out his tablet and tapped a button.  A small box on the stage opened and a red ball with streamers popped out and flew to the nearest tree and disappeared.  Jim said, “Blake, you and Baldy will be assigned to flushing the tanks tomorrow.  Standard procedure, but each of the maintenance boxes up to about fifteen feet off the ground have fishing line and a red ball in them.  You will need to clean the boxes, please.”

Chloe stood up.  “But why go through this elaborate charade?  All for nothing!”

Amy laughed, “Pink, does anyone here know what day it is?”

Then in unison, Pink, Amy, and Jim said, “APRIL FOOLS!”

Rev C.S.L. and Rev. Joseph Jones came onto the stage.  Rev C.S.L. said, “You are all blessed to have such a wonderful CEO who dreamed up this prank.  Everyone participated.  Everyone showed love and concern for Menzie and her non-existent parrot.  And I want all of you to go away from here knowing that you are loved.  God loves you.  Pink Lady loves you.  And you seem to all love each other.  Yes, this was a very elaborate April Fools Joke, but it showed how everyone here cares about each other.”

Rev. Joseph raised his hands to pray, “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26)

As the five descended from the stage, I said, “But Aunt Pink, I still get paid!”

Pink laughed, “I will be making a generous donation to your college fund.  You need not send an invoice.  That way, it is a gift, and you do not have to pay income tax.  You may have used your little grey cells, but you did not use much shoe leather.”

Credits

Mr. Kellogg is a similar name to my high school algebra, chemistry, and physics teacher.  He also drove the bus route that I took to school and back home.  He was tough, but when I got to college, I skipped algebra and breezed through chemistry and physics due to the foundation he established.

The cellphone jail is a play on words.  Jails are made up of individual cells.  Right?  So, many schools have you deposit your cellphones in the cell jail until class is over.  My grandson’s phone was knocked out of the cell jail by someone in a hurry and the screen shattered.  He had my wife’s old phone, and the last known recording of her voice is now gone.  There is no justice in this world, but justice is coming.  And we will be begging for mercy.

Southern ladies glistening may have been mentioned in Gone with the Wind, but it referred to the Southern Ladies of the early 1800s in the USA.  They could not sweat and maintain their air of gentility and grace.  The concept remains today, but mostly as a joke.  “Glistening” is maybe the most popular option.  “Glowing” is another term that I heard in my youth, but even “perspire” sounded better than did sweat.  “Sweat” was good for common folk, but these were “ladies.”

Hercule Poirot, one of Agatha Christie’s detectives, referred to his brain as the “little grey cells.”  It was only in a couple of books, but in the television adaptations, it was a lot more often.

Using shoe leather first referred to political campaigns that walked through the crowd, shaking hands and campaigning.  In detective novels it means getting out of the office and doing some detecting.  In other words, using shoe leather is getting the physical part of the work done.

And imagine a CEO coming up with such a brainchild. The entire complex was buzzing with excitement and concern – a true test of teamwork and their love for one another. But I cannot imagine it in the work environments where I work.

Maybe the closest was when I was in Germany when our son was born, and my entire staff of German and French workers threw a party to celebrate the impending birth with champagne and wine – forgetting to relay the message to me that my wife was on her way to the hospital in Heidelberg (but I got there on time, barely).