Tell an Old Joke Day

Today is tell an old joke day, 24 July.  To celebrate, here are a few oldies.  Please comment with an oldie of your own.  Also, please keep them clean.

 

An old one about old ladies:  Two old ladies went for a drive.  They were diminutive ladies, but after the back compressed, and the bones got weak, they were too short to see over the steering wheel.  As they were driving along one of the main thoroughfares, the passenger, who can’t see forward, looks up to see that they ran three red lights.  She turned to her friend and says, “Do you realize that you just drove through three consecutive red lights?”  Her friend replied, “I’m driving?!”

 

I may be able to see over the steering wheel, but I resemble that remark.

 

Now that I’ve used a malapropism (love these).  Here’s a famous Spoonerism (love these).  Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau in A Shot in the Dark, “And you killed her in a writ of fellows gage!”  (meaning – in a fit of jealous rage?)

 

My favorite Groucho Marx quote:  Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend; inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.

 

George Burns to Gracie Allen:  Say Good night, Gracie

Gracie: Good night.  (She never said, “Good night, Gracie.” Although legend says she did on radio and TV.)

What Gracie actually did say:  “When I was born I was so surprised that I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”

 

On Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In…

Dan Rowan:  Say Good night, Dick.

After a number of cameo appearances saying, “Good night, Dick.” Or variations thereof…

Dick Martin: Good night, Dick.

 

Also on Laugh In…

A rock is thrown through a window.

Dan Rowan, picking up the rock:  Hey, there’s a note attached.  It says, “We fix windows for $5.”  (You know this one is old.  Who repairs windows for $5 these days.)

 

My favorite Laugh In joke…

Goldie Hawn is holding a candle horizontally with each end lit.  Goldie (oddly without giggling):  Mother was wrong.

 

Red Skelton…

I just flew in this morning… Boy, are my arms tired!

I was flying back from Ireland.  There was a priest sitting next to me.  I asked him, “Do you want a drink?”  The priest says, “Oh, no…Too close to the main office.”

We get back from Ireland and my wife is going through customs.  My wife was smuggling a bottle of Irish whiskey in her purse, see.  The customs agent asks to look through her bag and discovers the bottle.  “What’s in the bottle, ma’am?”  My wife says, “Holy water.”  The custom agent tastes it.  “Ma’am, this is Irish Whiskey!”  My wife says, “Good heavens, another miracle!”

Gertrude and Heathcliff, two seagulls.  Heathcliff says, “What’s down there?”  Gertrude says, “That’s the House of Representatives.”  (Then flying in a circle) Heathcliff says, “Well, here’s one on the house.”

 

To prevent anyone from replying with this one…

Henny Youngman:  Take my wife…Please.

 

Justin Wilson…

In his intro to his stage act, he’d say, “I’m a safety man.  I wear belt and suspenders at the same time.  I non’t took a chance.” (Oddly, I often wear both belt and suspenders these days.)

Also in his intro…”It is sure my pleasure for you to see me today.  I gah-rawn-tee.”  (For those who are polite-impaired, the common greeting is ‘my pleasure for me to see you’.)

 

This next Justin Wilson story (cleaned up a little for ease of reading) was the story I told at a safety meeting in the early 80s.  God used this story to cure me of stage fright and launched my public speaking career.

 

The police chief in Crowley, Louisiana got a phone call.  The woman, she says, “Come to my house real quick.  They is a man next door to me indecent esposin’ hisself.”

 

Well, the police chief get in his petroleum car, turn on the syringe full blast, and run down to her house.  The woman usher him back to the bedroom and she point out the window.  She hid her face.  She just point. “Dere he is.  Dat the man.  Arrest him.”

 

The police chief look out the window.  All he can see is the man next door through a small, high bat-room window.  All he could see was his shoulder, neck, and head.  The man was shaving hisself.

 

The police chief say, “I can’t arrest that man.  All I can see is his shoulder, neck, and head.”

 

The woman, she say, “Stand over here on dis box.  You get a much better view.  I gah-rawn-tee.”

 

(I ended this with…” In industry, we don’t use boxes to get a better view, and that brings us to today’s safety topic, the safety rules regarding ladders and scaffolds.”)

 

Please, comment with your own old jokes.

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