I’m Detective Staff Sergeant Deviled Yeggs. I work homicide in the big city of Tracy. My partner is Jim Wednesday. Poached Yeggs, homicide detective and my nephew, has been working with Jim and me.
Jim and Poached had weekend call. I had something more important to do. Our family used to have “confession night” once each week. We would confess things that we knew and kept secret or that we did. The concept was that the others would provide forgiveness. While God forgives us, we also need to forgive each other. Usually the slights and faults were simple misunderstandings, but Sophie requested this return to “confession night.”
Glyce, my wife, took attendance. Easter and Jemima were there. Sophia and Blaise were present, and Trinity Naomi Tesla Yeggs, “Nitroglycerin” to many, Glyce to her inner circles of friends, and I were also there.
We might all have something to confess, but we went out of order, usually from oldest to youngest, to ensure that Sophia had her complaint center stage.
Sophia started, “Not long ago, about a week or so, one of my best friends, Margie, gave me a jar of my favorite moisturizing cream. It was an unexpected gift. I accepted the gift graciously, but then I thought it through. Margie was Blaise’s new girlfriend. I could not believe that Margie would be part of one of Blaise’s pranks, but to be sure, I placed a dab of the lotion on the soft spot near the wrist, up from the palm. The application site turned red and started to burn within a few minutes. If I had placed the cream on my face, it could have caused serious injury, especially if I had placed it near my eyes. I washed the site and applied good moisturizing cream. I had the cream analyzed and the results were that the cream was mixed with ground dried peppers.”
Sophie continued, “Daddy said that I should work out the problem as if I were a police lieutenant. I already had evidence in evidence bags from previous infractions. I researched the local, state, and federal statutes and found 23 charges against Blaise and only three for Margie. I brought my case to the District Attorney’s office, and Randy said that the federal charge of domestic terrorism should be the charge to press forward.”
Blaise interrupted, “What domestic terrorism? It was an experiment to see if peppers, such as cayenne would quicken the effects of the cream. What is domestic terrorism in that?”
Glyce interrupted, “Blaise! You should know without experiment what would happen. As for domestic terrorism, what would happen if Sophie had reported to the news that your moisturizing cream was tainted? The manufacturer would do a recall. If someone got hurt, there would be a widespread panic. I think domestic terrorism is a distinct possibility.”
I interrupted, “Wait!! Woah, woah, woah. I thought you would put your charges together and get back with me. I had no idea you would press charges with the DA. And who is Randy? You cannot be referring to the DA himself, Randolph Edmund Jennings. Who is Randy?”
Sophie beamed, “The DA, Daddy. He was impressed by my presentation. He and I are on a first name basis, but he said that for you, you would have to be formal in addressing him. Randy is really nice. He said that if I press charges, Blaise could do time, and he would have a black mark on his record. He asked if I wanted that, but I said I only wanted him to stop. Randy suggested I show mercy and forgive him. That is why I suggested this ‘Confession night.’ “ Sophie giggled.
I suggested to Glyce, “I think ‘Randy’ wants to keep Sophie on his side. Just think of a full-grown version of this dynamo on the defense!!”
Blaise said, “But what of science?”
Glyce responded, “If you confess and ask for forgiveness, then only ‘science’ is suspended. If you press the issue, you could go to jail, Blaise!”
He confessed and asked for forgiveness. Sophie held to the rules of “Confession Night” and gladly forgave him.
Then, everyone stared at me.
I shrugged, “I have heard from GrandPa, really by way of Pink Lady, and she has heard from Gwen. I will download the videos from the Lily the Pink cloud. They started their trek by visiting the lady who led GrandPa to Jesus. She was dying of cancer near Dover in England. After a long visit, they went to another rescued lady in Glasgow. When they went on a day trip to visit the grave of Rob Roy MacGregor, they got a call from the lady in Dover, that is the family. He returned in time to be there when she passed. They have also visited two ladies in the Netherlands, one in Groningen and one in Maastricht. They are presently in a small town in Bavaria, named Krumbach. They are visiting as many of the ladies GrandPa rescued from prostitution as possible. Let’s see. The lady in Glasgow alters kilts. The lady in Groningen is doing something with equestrians, coaching the national team or caring for the horses. The lady in Maastricht is a cheese maker.”
Blaise, who loves cheese asked, “What kind?”
I retorted, “I do not know, Blaise, but Limburg, Belgium is not far away, and the Dutch like their cheeses strong.” While Blaise made ugly faces, I continued. That leaves the lady in Krumbach. She works at a health resort to the east, Krumbad. I have just completed the download and transfer to the family shared cloud. I think GrandPa is headed toward the Czech Republic next, but I am not sure.”
They looked at me as if there was more, and I shrugged.
Glyce then talked about her work and the new dean that she had no idea how to figure out, but then she changed to a different topic. “Last night, I had a dream. I was transported into the future and saw all your families. Easter and Jemima had eight children, four boys, four girls. The boys were named after storms, probably the storm nearest when they were born, The names were: Tornado, Derecho, Haboob, and Blizzard. The girls were named after clouds: Cirrus, Nimbus, Cumulus, and Mammatus.”
First, Jemima laughed, then she said, “I think I need a new boyfriend.”
Then Easter pulled her closer, “No, no. You can’t get away. We made a commitment.” Then they both laughed.
Glyce barked, “Can I finish?!” The laughter subsided. Glyce continued, “Margie and Blaise had two boys, Karl Barth and John Henry Newman.”
Blaise asked, “Theologians? Are you pressing the issue, Mom?”
Glyce retorted, “Since science is suspended, you have to do something with your spare time. And Sophie had triplets. I am sorry. I awoke before I learned their names.”
Sophie snickered, “Probably Bim, Bam, and Boom!’ Everyone laughed, but Glyce started crying. I stood up and gave her a bear hug.
Glyce mumbled, “There wasn’t a fourth child. What if something has gone wrong?”
I replied, “Glyce, Darling, the fourth is not born yet. We do not know the gender. Maybe God does not wish to reveal such things until later.” She settled down and told Easter that he was next.
Easter shrugged, “I thought Jem could give a joint confession. I am doing pretty good right now. My head is in a great place. Jem and I are making straight ‘A’s.’ What could be better?”
Jemima stood to make their joint announcement, “We have been threatening to elope at Christmas, but secretly, we have done a lot of soul searching and prayer. Easter and I have not picked a date, but we are thinking the Autumn of our Senior year. If we started a family, we would be unable to continue our team effort in storm chasing. I did it this summer with my Dad pressing me to get to know Easter better and looking into his likes and dislikes. One of my major focuses now is photography. Easter and I make a great team. And Sgt. Yeggs here and my Dad were right. Our relationship started with the physical and the desire of pressing that forward, and now that we know each other on an emotional level, a historical level, and a spiritual level, we love the entire package. The physical can wait, but as far as our commitment is concerned, it is as if we are already married. We even finish each other’s sentences at times.”
I asked Sophie, “Sophie, you asked for this, but you have not confessed anything.”
Sophie asked, “Can I simply say that Emmett and I are mutually helping each other with our studies? He is starting to come out of his shell more, even in class, and I am focused more in my homework discipline. And Aunt Pink seems to like being a homework monitor. She checks our work and asks us questions. Romance is off the table, but we are enjoying being friends.”
Then I added, “Now that leaves Blaise.”
“Hey,” Blaise said, “I already confessed to domestic terrorism. What more do you want?”
Glyce chuckled, “That is what was thrust upon you. What were you thinking about saying?”
Blaise rolled his eyes, “I was going to say that Margie lacks confidence in math. When we go into Algebra class, especially if there is a test, she asks me for a hug. She fell asleep with my first bear hug, so she tells me when to stop. It calms her down, and Margie does okay on the test.”
I asked, “Just okay?”
Blaise shrugged, “We both have straight ‘A’ grades, but she makes a silly mistake here or there on the math tests while I get a perfect score, even the extra credit questions.”
Glyce then gasped, “I have something else to confess. I forgot all about it. My cousins are coming over this evening. Within the hour, actually.”
I groaned, “Not those cousins!!?!!” Glyce sheepishly nodded. “No, no. They are so irritable, morose, the most crotchety people that I know.”
Easter said, “We are not talking about those cousins that are disagreeable and curmudgeonly are we?”
Sophie added, “Our petulant and pettish cousins?”
Blaise commented, “I always thought they were simply cantankerous.”
Jemima looked puzzled, “Wait. All of you are giving synonyms for crabby.”
Blaise, Sophie, and Easter said, “No! Don’t use that word. It’s insensitive!”
Jemima retorted, “As if all the other words you used aren’t?!”
Glyce sighed, “Okay, one more confession. I gave Easter his name because he was born on Easter Sunday, but I wanted to break the mold and not have ‘Yeggish’ type names, but I am in an extended family of strange names. My name is Trinity Naomi Tesla Yeggs. My initials are TNT. It is no wonder that I am explosive, but since I explode when shaken, my nickname became Nitroglycerin, Glyce for short. But my mother’s name is Rayne, spelled like the town in Louisiana. My mother’s maiden name was Storm. Yes, she was Rayne Storm. I think she was actually born in Breaux Bridge, Louisiana instead of Rayne. Then the family moved to this area, Doyle County, and my grand parents had another daughter, in the middle of a blizzard, my Aunt Snow. If Snow Storm wasn’t that bad of a name, she married King and then had several children.”
Jemima asked, “Her name is now Snow King?”
Glyce shook her head, “No. She married King Crabb. She is now Snow Crabb. Now, do you understand the insensitivity issue?” Jemima nodded. Glyce continued, “Now their children have names that you might expect. Their oldest son is Dungeness Crabb. He went by Dunnie until that coach won a Super Bowl, and he insists on being called Dungy. There is another Deviled, although I did not know Dev at the time, the second child, Deviled Crabb. The older daughter is Blue Crabb. It is a shame that Fiddler Crabb never picked up the violin. Seems he should be a natural. Then the youngest is She Crabb.”
Jemima asked, “Why ‘She?’ They ran out of names?”
Glyce laughed, “No. You may have never been to the southern Atlantic coast. In Charleston, South Carolina, they have a delicacy known as She Crab Soup. Whenever She would get in trouble, the family would say, ‘She Crabb is in the Soup again.’ ”
Only Snow, Dungy, Deviled, and She came over. Poached was letting them stay in his warehouse / home, but they made the trip across town to visit with us.
The standard greeting was made as they were welcomed to our home, “Good evening.”
Their typical response was expected, “What’s good about it?” We were not disappointed. Jemima nearly hurt herself all evening trying to bite her tongue to keep from laughing. They were indeed crabby.
But before they loaded into their pick-up truck with the extended cab, Deviled Crabb pulled me aside. We had the following discussion:
Deviled Crabb to Deviled Yeggs: Cousin, I may need your help.
Deviled Yeggs to Deviled Crabb: What kind of help? My usual line of work is homicide.
Deviled Crabb to Deviled Yeggs: That’s the kind of help I need.
Deviled Yeggs to Deviled Crabb: Have you killed someone or are you wanting to learn how to kill someone?
Deviled Crabb to Deviled Yeggs: No to both of those. One of the guys I work with is dead. Detective Holmes thinks there was foul play, and he doesn’t like my attitude. Can I get your expert eyes to look over the case? I liked the guy. Why would I kill him?
I agreed to look over the case if Detective Holmes would allow it, Doyle County being out of my jurisdiction. As soon as the words passed my lips, I knew this would be trouble.
Edmund Jennings Randolph was the first Attorney General of the United States of America.
Dungy as in Tony Dungy, who led the Indianapolis Colts to victory in Super Bowl XLI. He was also inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 2016.
This entire thing was inspired by a trip to the Texas Gulf Coast, to Cajun Country. As my wife enjoyed her deviled crab and barbecued crab, my daughter-in-law leaned over and suggested Deviled Crabb would make a great new character for my short stories. You can thank or blame her.
I love your wacky brain.
LikeLiked by 1 person
How did you know that of the Animaniacs, I preferred Wacko to Yacko and Dot? My boys and I watched that cartoon together. Steven Spielberg, and well done.
LikeLiked by 1 person