Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

• Genesis 2:18

I have written many times about how I am an introvert.  I have not mentioned it much, but my brother’s wife had surgery so that she could not get pregnant just before her son died of infant crib death.  I think they call it SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, these days.  My mother had to have a person with the family name to carry on the family name, and I was not even dating.

Besides, my “loving” mother thought I was not interested in women, if you catch my meaning.

My voice has only dropped into the baritone range in recent years.  Frankly, I think that my voice is following my hearing and since I cannot hear those high notes, why sing them?

But I had the pressure of carrying on the family name and the added pressure to “prove my manhood.”  And my brother divorced his wife, and his second wife produced the heir, even though the “heir” was younger than my firstborn.  Like my brother told me, I did not count.

But all the girls in college that I dated had not stayed true to me or they simply were not interested in me in the first place.  My wife loved nerds, and I was a goofy nerd which attracted her even more.  I never learned how to date.  When I finally had that “one,” I hardly had to try, and she saw a lot of my warts, and they did not scare her off.

But being an introvert, I find it hard to invent reasons to socialize.  I go to the monthly fellowship of prayer and socialize with roughly 6-7 ladies, all but two being widows, but I am just the guy who types the prayer list.  I have a Sunday school class, with one additional widow who is not part of the prayer warriors.  Note: There are about forty prayer warriors, but eight show up to the meeting to swap notes on the updates on the conditions of everyone on the list.

But, I honestly do not know how to start a conversation, other than for a Bible study.

But what about making friends?  Sadly, a few people who I would consider my best friend, or way up on the list, have passed away in the last five years or so.  I have one friend who takes me to procedures when I will be unable to drive home.  I have another couple who provide backup for that.  And I do have a few social events beyond the church stuff, mostly annual events.

But what has brought this home to me is that I checked my phone last week, the week I wrote this, but all the weeks seem to be the same.  I had fourteen consecutive phone calls from “Scam Likely” numbers over four days of that week, without a break in the recent calls list.  And the break was when I called someone else.

I then looked for the latest phone call from anyone other than telemarketers.  I had almost thirty phone calls from “Scam Likely” before I got a call from my grandson.  But that one should not count.  I had called him, and he did not answer, but he returned the call.  Maybe I should count it since his father never returns the call when he misses one of my calls.  I had to go back nearly a month to find two calls from my son.

Yes, I have created the extreme introvert’s nirvana.  I could fall down the stairs, and maybe my Sunday school class would call after the first unannounced missed Sunday school class.  The second class for sure.  And my house has stairs that have stairs.  Really!  The stairs meet no building code ever made that made sense.  Changes in riser height.  Changes in tread depth.  You cannot get into a rhythm anywhere in the house, and maybe my safety attitude turns that into a positive.  I recognize the hazard, and I am always on the alert.

But, I have done something wrong.  If no one ever calls unless they need me to do something…

My mother-in-law said she had outlived all of her friends, but then again, she was nearly twenty years older and she had a ton of friends.

I wrote recently that I needed to get out more, but I have no idea where to go.  The watering holes around here are bars, but I do not drink.  Do I go to the bar and make an announcement that I can be a designated driver in case someone forgot?  But since I have never been in such settings, what do they talk about?  I doubt if they would argue on the point of whether Jephthah sacrificed his daughter by killing her or did he “sacrifice” his daughter by consigning her to service at the tabernacle for the rest of her life.  I could have fun with that conversation, but I think it might be like a lead balloon among a bunch of drunk beer drinkers.

But I am never alone with God by my side.

Soli Deo Gloria.  Only to God be the Glory.