Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

During a recent investigation when Arabella discovered that Poached owned a basement, Ruthie Toody had been asked to go through the airduct, but she was not small enough.  She made a rather inappropriate remark.  My loving brother-in-law, Dev Yeggs said he would talk to her the following week.  He basically told her the police department policy on romance among employees of the department and the general code of conduct.  It was not followed to the letter but not letting it get in the way of doing the job was the important thing.  Then, he set this appointment up through Gwen, hoping I would be back from our trip to Beaufort, SC.  This might be the last time in a while when I could talk to both of them at the same time.  We got in late last night, and since the two police officers are both on shift and their shifts rarely jive, I drank two cups of coffee, and I hoped I would stay awake.  It is odd.  I do not have a driver’s license, but I watch the road intently, and it wears me out.  It really convinces me that I have no business driving.

Ruthie came in, followed by Trevor.  Ruthie said, “Oo, Oo!  I have never been in the counselee chairs.”

I walked to their side of the table and sat facing them.

I said, “I have never met or seen Trevor.  You are right, Ruthie.  He is a hunk.”

Ruthie said, “Oo, Oo!  You can’t have him, Mommie Pinkie!  He’s mine!  You already have some arm candy.”

I smiled, “I had no intention of stealing your man.  I was just saying that you have good taste.  Besides, who would ever think they could steal a policeman and get away with it?”

Ruthie said, “Oo, Oo!  You have a point there.”

I laughed, “Do you know why you are here?”

Ruthie said, “Last week, I said something stupid.  Lt. Yeggs thinks Trevor and I are doing something that plays into a gray area in the personal conduct clause of being a policeman in Tracy.  And he wanted me to say nothing to him.  He might have to take action on it.  So, he sent us to you.  But what we are doing is not against the law.  It does not put us in a ticklish situation to get blackmailed.  And frankly, I love this guy.”

Trevor just shook his head.

I asked, “Trevor, I have not heard a word from you.”

Trevor shrugged, “I don’t talk much.  I love what Ruthie and I have discovered about each other.  I want it to last.  I didn’t know the city of Tracy was prudish.”

I smiled, “Ruthie, what did you say last week that prompted the lieutenant to remind you of the code of conduct?”

Ruthie squinted, “Oo, Oo!  It takes explanation.  The lieutenant asked if I could fit in the airduct.  I saw what I had to fit into and if I squeezed into the space, I wouldn’t be able to move.  So, I suggested getting naked, to be less of me that squeezed into the duct.  And I suggested rubbing me down in oil so that I could slide through.  But I don’t think it came out that way, and thinking of oil, I only wanted Trevor to see me naked and pour the oil.  I am sure what I said sounded like a lewd suggestion.  This is gone far too far out of hand.  I already have a nervous tick.  I just said it wrong.”

I laughed, “Yes, but there was an element of truth in the suggestion.  It was a subliminal suggestion and confession all in one.  How many times has Trevor oiled you down?”

Trevor said, “Twice, but who made you the morality police of the police department?”

I sighed, “There is a code of conduct.  My brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs, wanted you to confess to me so that it would not be an official confession of a code of conduct violation that would go in each of your files.  I am sure much worse is going on among the many police officers, but Ruthie’s slip of the tongue was heard by multiple witnesses.  I think that Dev wants the big city of Tracy to have two female detectives.  He does not want something trivial getting in the way, but to a Christian, we do not think it trivial.”

Ruthie, without the nervous tick, asked, “And how are you so far above us to pass judgement?”

I shook my head, “One thing is that I am not part of the police department, and if you knew my record, I would be far below someone who got naked and oiled down.”

Ruthie, obviously irritated, “Okay, let’s hear it.”

I groaned, “If you spent more time here, you would have already heard it.  I make no secret of my past.”

I bowed my head and said a quick prayer, silently.  I looked them in the eyes.  “I was born into the Rotten Apple crime family.  My father was the enforcer for the Rotten Apples.  He killed people.  He earned enough money doing that to buy the house here, but then Red Delicious, the crime boss at the time put a warehouse behind the house to chop cars that had been stolen.  I was thirteen when my Dad went to prison for his crimes.  I had been taught to be the perfect little girl so that I could fit in with the other rich girls in this neighborhood, but when my dad went to prison, I became a social pariah.  I began to excel in school, in the top ten.  I never dated.  I just focused on school as an escape.

“When I graduated high school, my mother abandoned me, and Red Delicious, my Uncle Delly, hired Gwen Quinn as my companion.  She was a great cook and she and I worked on my dream, to turn the warehouse into a legitimate business, making cider.  I was still too young to buy a beer at a bar when Gwen and I perfected Lily the Pink Cider.  I got drunk, my one time of getting drunk, in our little celebration, but Uncle Delly was not impressed, although he loved the taste.

“I went to the university and studied accounting.  Nearing the end of my sophomore year, I was sunning next to the pool, a kidney-shaped pool where the large one is now.  Scrambled Yeggs came up and suggested that we should sleep together.  No pickup line, no romance.  He got to the point quickly.  Oddly, he had been successful with two female acquaintances in the neighborhood.  I laughed and said that I would not do that.  He pulled down his pants to show what I was missing.  Something bad turned inside me.  I said that if he came with jewelry, I would sleep with him.  He said that if he was going to that trouble, he wanted to see what he was getting.  I untied my bikini top and then dove into the pool, so he did not get much of a glimpse.

“A few week’s later, he returned with stolen jewelry that he redesigned himself and had a fence do the work.  I am a person of my word, so we started sleeping together.  My hideous cousin, Baldwin Apple caught us and told Uncle Delly that I was selling my body and Uncle Delly should make him, Baldwin, my bouncer, and the two of us could run the house as a brothel.  I pleaded with Uncle Delly, but I had no moral high ground to stand on.  Uncle Delly conceded and let me start a cider house.  He wanted to move the chop shop to Doyle County anyway.  All prostitutes would work half the time in the cider house.  Baldwin ran the brothel and I ran the cider operations.  But other than supervising the cider operations, the rest of my time was spent here in this room.

“In the meantime, Baldwin wanted me for his own.  He blocked Scrammie getting to see me, but Scrammie became a courier for Red Delicious, hoping to see me.  But then he slept with a schoolteacher, and they married.  She was pregnant.  But the problem was that I was also pregnant.  I hid it from Baldwin.  Mostly, I angrily told him to get out of my room anytime he entered.  I did not show much and I wore baggy dresses.  This office became my jail cell, even having college professors come to me personally until I finished my degree.  I had Uncle Delly to thank for that.  I gave birth to a son, and once he was weaned, Gwen took him to the monastery.  I did not see my son again until he was sworn in as mayor of Tracy.

“I could go on, but do you see how stepping beyond a line in the sand can cause you to lose any moral high ground to stand on?  Now, you are at the mercy of others.  My story is an extreme one.  I missed raising my son.  I missed decades of my life with Scrambled Yeggs.  But I am a sinner, saved by Grace.  When I was alone and pregnant, with Gwen by my side, we read the Bible and we prayed.  We accepted Jesus, and He has seen us through.  Scrammie’s first wife abandoned him and the boys.  I am reunited with Boaz.  I married Scrammie.  And I have six children and four grandchildren.  Things work out, but it could have been so much better.

“What you must look at is what in your relationship can cause you to make a wrong decision in your job?  For that, I need to know how your relationship went from meeting each other eight months ago to getting naked and being oiled all over.”

Ruthie turned to Trevor, and he nodded.  Ruthie, with her usual nervous vocal tick, talked about how his twelve-hour shifts and her eight-hour shifts did not jive with each other.  They had a routine that if one had gotten off shift four hours before the other and they were off work for at least another eight hours, the one that had been off would meet the other at their apartment door.  They might only sit and watch a television show or go out for a snack.  They even walked along the river walk in the early morning hours.  A great place to catch an occasional mugger.

But then, after three months of strange dating, their long weekends were in sync.  Ruthie was off first.  She dressed in a strapless cocktail dress.  Trevor had said to come to his apartment hungry.  When he got off work, he let her into his apartment.  He cooked steaks, steamed vegetables, and mashed potatoes.  Then he came out with strawberries and whipped cream, parfait style.  Ruthie was watching Trevor more than watching what she was eating, and she dropped strawberries and cream into her cleavage.

Supposedly without thinking, Trevor reached over and dug a cream covered strawberry from her cleavage.  Ruthie huffed that if he was going to go that far, he might as well lick it clean.  A lick here, a kiss there, and they found themselves in his bed, wearing each other’s dessert.  With the sheets hopelessly stained and neither of them wearing any clothing, they fell asleep.  Trevor awoke early.  He went to the store for several cans of whipped cream and more fresh fruit and chocolate syrup and maraschino cherries in the juice.  It wasn’t until another day of laughter and sweet fun that they did something that could make Ruthie pregnant.  She had protection.

I made notes.  It sounded like fun, especially the part about how you put the clean, but stained sheets on the bed to signal that there would be more fun later on.  I also texted the kitchen and Thomas came in with a bowl of sliced strawberries, since we had fresh ones growing in the Crystal Mountain, and a can of whipped cream.  I sprayed whipped cream over the strawberries and started eating them.

Ruthie and Trevor got very quiet.  They were obviously off guard and confused.  They said nothing, but they looked wantonly at the strawberries and cream.

I sighed, “Listening to your story, I was getting hungry.  These strawberries were picked this morning.  We grow them hydroponically in the Crystal Mountain.  You are right!  They are delicious.  Sorry, I skipped breakfast because you two were coming by early.”  I tapped my spoon on the arm rest of the chair. “I should have asked Thomas for three bowls of strawberries.  You don’t mind me eating in front of you, do you?”  I added more cream.  “Don’t you just love the sound that makes?  I had a friend once that called it ‘Shoo.’  You know, the sound.”  Then, I paused, a strawberry nearing my mouth.  “You two aren’t getting aroused, are you?  If I asked you for your deepest, darkest secrets, would you tell me, just to slip off to the bride’s room across the hall and have some fun on the couch?”

Trevor said, “Okay, I admit it.  I hear the ‘shoo’ as you call it and I get aroused.  I don’t know if our…  umm … fetish is something that could be used to bribe me to not give a ticket.  But with you doing that, I think I might have trouble giving a ticket to someone with a can of whipped cream in their hand.  Not that anyone would do that.  You know, no one should ‘shoo’ and drive?  And if Ruthie called me and had ‘shoo’ over the phone, I would definitely be a distracted driver at that moment.  And before you get any ideas, we have slept together without fresh fruit and whipped cream.  That is saved for special occasions.”

I smiled and nodded, “Thank you for the ideas.  Scrammie and I will try it.  Ruthie, you look like a deer in the headlights.”

Ruthie groaned, “Oo, Oo!  For a minute or two, I thought you were inviting us to demonstrate what we were talking about.  Then the thought came to me that my mother might want to do it with us.  I’m sorry, I went down a strange rabbit hole.  I am not attracted to you, Mommie Pinkie.  But it was weird thinking of three people covered in whipped cream or sherbet or chocolate syrup.  Umm. I’m sorry, I’m trying to get back to what we were talking about.”

I smiled, “What you have confessed stays in this room.  I hope my temptation showed you how the knowledge of what you like to do can manipulate you into behavior that could be hazardous in your careers.  I already told you that I am a Christian.  Most of the people living here and in the apartment complex down the street are Christians.  With that, we have a moral code that we live by.  It is not a set number of rules that we have to follow.  We have Jesus in our heart, and we dislike what God calls a sin.  Sometimes, it takes us a while to figure some of those things out.  I confessed to you that Scrammie and I had sex before marriage.  We had a son out of wedlock.  Those things are problematic, but jumping into the physical, it sometimes eliminates getting to know the spiritual and intellectual needs of your partner.  The dating game has one major flaw.  You hide the bad stuff until after you are married.  But given enough time, those things come out.  But Ruthie, since you are connected with the detectives, they need to know where you are.  Have you moved in with Trevor?”

Ruthie frowned, “No, he comes to my apartment about as often as I go to his.”

Trevor said, “But I gave her a drawer in my chest of drawers, and she gave me a spot in her medicine cabinet for a spare shaver.  And Guy Weiss has my number and address in case Ruthie sleeps over.  I don’t have that restriction.”

I had to ask, “You don’t get a drawer?”

Trevor snickered, “No ma’am, Ruthie has a lot of naughty lingerie and a small dresser.”

Ruthie huffed, “We talked about that word.”

Trevor sighed, “Her dresser is diminutive.  She does not like the synonym for diminutive that has five letters.”

I asked, “What?  Teeny, Elfin, Dwarf, Weeny, Pygmy?”

Ruthie gritted her teeth, “Oo, Oo! You two are treading on thin ice.”

I smiled, “Trevor did you know she had a violent side?”

Trevor said, “Only about one five letter word.  A quite homuncular word at that.”

Ruthie giggled, “I don’t mind homuncular.  People get it confused with humungous all the time.  But Mommie Pinkie, what is this entire conversation supposed to prove.  I never had a boyfriend.  Trevor never had a girlfriend.  We found each other.  What can be wrong with that?  I have protection.  I am not going to have a baby and then get separated from that baby for decades.”

Trevor said, “But I think I might go crazy if we just stopped.  Maybe slow down.  It might be a distraction, and Ruthie knows that Polly is next in line to make detective grade, but she has her eye on that.  Being worldly gives her a better chance at vice, but the reputation might hurt her chances with anything else.”

I nodded, “And I know a retired female detective that regrets acting easy when she really wasn’t.  I think you know Nelly Jefferson.”

Ruthie softened, “Yes, I do.  She had a long talk with Polly and me.  I guess since Polly was already married, she was talking to me, but I didn’t listen.  I was too busy having fun.  So, what are the rules you want us to follow, Mommie Pinkie?”

I cackled, “I have no jurisdiction over your love life.  I told you my young love life and how it led to this place becoming a brothel and how I was a prisoner here, separated from my son and the young man that I loved.  But your situation is not that dire, but you have the code of conduct to think about.  My only rule is not my rule at all.  We do not have any PDA (Public Displays of Affection) except in designated make out spots and know that you are being watched when in those spots.  That rule was established by the former prostitutes so that PDA was possible, but not unexpected.  They thought they would not have flashbacks to the old business with that rule, but it has been years now.  Now, with that said, I would suggest that you see Rev C.S.L.  He has a relationship course that he goes through with those who want to get married.  You may not be there yet, but why wait?  He has a lot of good advice, and he can answer your questions.  Ruthie, you have visited the church.  Trevor, Rev C.S.L. is the pastor at First-Third Metho-Presby church.  And think about it.  If you love Jesus, pray about it.  You need to establish a moral high ground so that people will not pull you down with them.  Otherwise, I will tell my brother, Lt. Yeggs, that you were honest, but I will not divulge anything you said.  But between you and me, I am going to send Gwen or Grannie Fannie on a shopping spree, all the whipped cream and fruit that you talked about, but no plastic sheet.  That turns the bed into a slip and slide.  But the idea of designated sheets for the fun stuff sounds like a great idea.”

Ruthie looked confused, “Oo, Oo!  Do you and your husband still, you know, do it?”

I laughed, “Ruthie, we are married, not dead!”

At that moment, the door opened, and Grannie Fannie came in with Sparkle and her friends.  In other words, all the children that will be added to the preschool this next year.  They were followed by B.B., who looked like she might pop any minute, and Stinker with a kitchen serving cart full of “stuff.”

B.B. asked, “We are going to film Stinker teaching the little ones about the weather.  We already watched Mike’s terrarium in action.  They were less than enthused.  We are going to make some fog.  We can demonstrate a tornado in a bottle, but they don’t have the dexterity to do it themselves.  You don’t mind, do you, Mommie Pinkie?”

I shook my head, “No, we were basically finished.  But I have a feeling this might be hilarious.  We will try to be quiet, but we would like to listen in.”  Ruthie and Trevor nodded.

B.B. got behind the camera, and she signaled Stinker.

Stinker said, “The first thing we are going to do is make fog.  Have you ever gotten up early and looked outside and everything was white, like you were inside a cloud.  Well, that is fog.  What I have in this bowl is some dry ice.  That is like the air that we breathe out, except dry ice is frozen.” Stinker demonstrated blowing out.  The children tried to mimic her but half of them made raspberry noises.  It was already getting entertaining.  “And now, I am going to take this hot water and pour it on top of the dry ice.  The dry ice has a wire mesh over it.  The dry ice is so cold that it can hurt your little fingers.  But when I pour the water over the dry ice, the carbon dioxide goes from ice to a gas, like the air that we breathe out.  And that gas mixes with the water to make tiny drops of vapor.  What we see is fog.”  She poured the hot water over the dry ice.

Karl exclaimed, “Fok!”

Stinker said, “Karl, be careful how you say fog.  It has a “G” on the end, FOG!”

Karl asked, “How can I say it careful?”

Sparkle said, “My cousin taught me.”

Stinker asked, “Which cousin.”

Sparkle said, “Gigi.”

Stinker groaned, “This ought to be good.”

Sparkle said, “To say words careful, you add an ‘uh’.  Like my big bubba is Poach Duh.  So, fog is fog guh.”

Karl said, “Fok guh!”

Stinker smiled, “A work in progress.  Keep working on it.”

Ruthie whispered, “Oo, Oo! I’m starting to see how it matters what other people think you mean when you say something.  Thanks to a two-year old.”

I whispered in reply, “Karl won’t be two until later this year.”

Stinker said, “Now, I am going to spin this jar around and you can see something that looks like a tornado inside.”  She started spinning the jar, and the children looked intently.

Then it happened.  They heard a pop and a puddle formed at Mary’s feet.

Sparkle said, “Aunt Mary, your diaper exploded!”

B.B. gasped, “Sparkle, I don’t think so.”

Stinker said, “Children, let’s not step in the water.  Aunt Mary’s water broke.  She’s about to have a baby.”

Daniel, Josie’s little boy, asked, “Can we watch?”

Grannie Fannie laughed, “No, Aunt Mary has to go to the hospital.  And I think you need to go to the nursery.”

I was already on the phone.  Jochebed came in, along with Mary Jo.  Mary Jo immediately went to work cleaning up the water.

Jochebed sighed, “Your timing is impeccable, Mary.  Greta was on shift relief in the nursing station on graveyards.  She has just now gone to bed.  Karl, your mommy is not working today, and she is willing to help.  Madelaine is keeping an eye on everyone until Grannie Fannie can get there.  Fannie, you will run the nursery until Mary Jo gets back.”

Mary Jo said, “Mary, you and Dr. Ellie delivered Frank.  The least I can do is clean up some amniotic fluid.”

I asked, “Trevor, do you have your patrol car?”

Trevor nodded, “Yes, ma’am.  But I’ll have to call this in if you want me to drive them.”  Trevor got the okay.  Mary and Jochebed got in the back.  Ruthie got in the front with Trevor and they were off.

Jemima smiled, “I’m not going to miss my best friend having a baby.”

Rev. Joseph walked through the door.  “I have her bag.  Everything is packed.  Who is driving?”

Jemima said, “I will.  Who all is going?”

I said, “I will.  Let’s just have the three of us for now.  Gwen can sort out who else.”

Gwen entered from her house and gave us a thumbs up.

Mary had not even started labor pains until she got in the patrol car.  Our nursery staff situation was bad timing, but the traffic was perfect.  The morning rush hour was over.  They had clean sailing to T.R.U.S.T. Medical Center.

When Naomi stopped by on her way home, Jemima told her about how Gigi was teaching Sparkle how to pronounce words carefully, like Poach Duh.  Naomi said that if people did not laugh so much at her mispronounced words, she would be making more headway on Gigi’s verbal skills.

Callie was there at the time and confirmed that Sparkle calls him Poach Duh, but Gigi only says it when there is an audience.

By the end of the day, we had a few more visitors waiting, but Ethan Jones did not come into the world until the next morning, just before dawn.  Mother and baby are not just fine.  They are wonderful.

Credits

As for the photo above, when I bought it at the wholesale warehouse store, the lady that checks my receipt said she had bought it and it was delicious. I told her that I bought it to take a picture of it. She doubled over laughing, and I am sure she thought it was just a joke. This is the proof that it wasn’t a joke, but I got around to eating it, over the course of a few days. The brown powder is ground graham crackers, but it was mostly strawberries and cream.

Many police departments have a code of conduct.  The basic concept was to live a blameless life so that the officer’s integrity could not be questioned during a court trial.

Don’t “shoo” and drive, as in Don’t drink and drive, or Don’t text and drive.  A “shoo” would definitely be a distraction.

Letters of reprimand that go in the file “for one year” rarely get removed.  And probably insisting that the letter gets removed will show a tendency for irrational or erratic behavior, thus a new letter in the file for another “year.”  Yes, I had one of those, taking the fall for something that someone else did, and I had nothing to do with it.  They wanted to do worse than a letter, but they had proof that I had nothing to do with what the letter stated.

I have created fog in the method described.  Hand a tornado in a jar to a small child and they will simply shake it, getting nothing but bubbles.  So, Jemima swirling it and letting the children watch is a better idea.  Tornado in a jar requires water, dish soap, vinegar and food coloring if the dish soap does not have a color. You move the jar in a circular motion to create a vortex inside the jar.  Make sure the lid is on tight.  I have seen lab experiments using a magnetic stirrer that does the same thing with a lot less mishaps, but who has one of those in their kitchen?