Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises.  If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.

Julia ushered in Francis and Françoise Franks along with Benjamin and Gabrielle Franks.

Julia started to introduce them, but I raised a hand.

I said, “I have seen them all on a Zoom call.  Francis and Françoise, have a seat.  Ben and Gabrielle, have you dropped off your things at the penthouse?”

Ben shook his head, “We wanted to see the wedding venue.  But since there is a wedding rehearsal in progress, we came in here.”

I asked about Ben’s youngest two children and he said his sister in Vidalia, GA was coming out to the farm to check on things.  The three of them would get the honeymoon destination ready for Julia and Gordon.

I asked, “How was the trip over here?”

Françoise said, “The Hillbilly Limo is wonderful for a trip to and from the airport, plenty of luggage room, a grille to cook food.  But the suspension system has you feeling every bump in the road.”

Gabrielle said, “Now, Françoise, some of those bumps came from within the limo.”

Françoise sighed, “And that was the other drawback to the journey.  You would think a married couple in their forties would not be so, how you say?  Eager?”

Gabrielle replied to her daughter’s comment, “And what of you?  I make your bed each morning and you and your husband must be just as active in bed.”

Françoise said, “Not that much.  I must think of my husband’s health.”

Gabrielle growled, “I did not tell you to marry an old man.”

I asked, “Francis, do these two always argue with each other?”

Francis laughed, “It was a long bumpy ride, but they do their share of arguing.  Not around customers.  Françoise is strictly the hostess at the farm and Gabbie fills in with whatever Françoise needs, mostly maid service.  But they have not really cranked up yet. When they start shouting in French with each other, it sounds like a war is about to break out, and then they start laughing and hugging and kissing.  They say that the difference in French conversation and Italian conversation is that the Italians use their hands, and the conversation usually ends with someone getting poked in the face.”

I asked, “Julia, does Amy know that our package has been delivered?”

Julia nodded, “She is sending Ralph E over.  He is coming over with visitor nametags, and he will have his laptop so that their voices will be recorded before they arrive.  That way, if he gets separated from them on the way to their apartment, they’ll be able to talk to the elevator.”

Ben asked, “Talk to an elevator?”

I laughed, “My suggestion is to stay with Ralph E.  Their building is an interesting place, but not as interesting as our wedding venue.  Their penthouse will have surprises in each room and unless they have modified the house, there are no hallways.  You might be greeted by any number of cartoon animals on computer screens, but those may only be activated when they have little children around.  The children in the pre-school want to go back there every month for their field trip, but their teacher says, ‘no.’  But then there is an extremely low-tech library.  Amy collects rare books, and she reads them.  You finally find a bedroom.  Okay, you’ll never find the bedroom unless you reach for the right book on the right bookshelf.  That is the book that triggers the door to open.”

Gabrielle started laughing, “Benjamin, this is going to be fun.”

We walked around a little.  I took them to the den, since the wedding rehearsal was still going on. I hoped Baldy did not have another bridezilla on his hands.  Then we went to the bride’s room.  Gabrielle suggested that if the penthouse did not work out, the bride’s room was decadent.  In a way, I agreed, but the bride only really gets to be a queen for one day.  Why not have a hot tub to relax in?  That’s where we met Baldy as he was setting up the room to match the décor in the Crystal Mountain.

We went back into the hallway on our way to the office when Twyla opened the door for Ralph E.

Julia asked, “Twyla, did he use the secret knock?  We don’t want just anyone coming through the front door.”

Twyla asked, “Why not?  Isn’t that how you met Gordo?”

Ralph E said, “Hey!  I’m married, and my wife is the boss.  No way am I cheating on her.”

Ralph E pulled out his computer and recorded Gabrielle and Ben saying the words “computer,” “penthouse” and “lobby.”  Ralph E would not accept the French equivalents, but in those three words, he had the most common commands and the voice print in case they wanted something else.  In the bedroom and kitchen, prefacing a command with “computer” would turn on the system and respond to whatever followed.  At the elevator door, you simply said where you wanted to go.

Françoise squeezed her husband’s arm, “We need to visit them.  The penthouse seems like something out of science fiction.”

I suggested, “Julia, you can take all four on a tour of Tracy tomorrow.  They’ll want to see where you grew up.  Take them to both campuses of T.R.U.S.T. (Tracy Regional University for Science and Technology).  I can call the mayor to see if he is available.”

Francis said, “There’s no need to do that.  We are just pecan farmers from Georgia.”

Julia laughed, “Uncle Francis, the mayor is her son.  He knows about you, and he will be at the wedding.”

I continued, “Julia, you can take him anywhere else, but I would suggest the Orchard, County Line Farm, and the Hoity Toity Club.  I think they have met Mashie Niblick.  This time of year, he is rarely taking a day off from his greens keeping duties.  When you are at the south campus, you might see if either Naomi or Pauline Niblick is available.  They’ve met Pauline.”

Ben said, “I’m sorry, the name sounds vaguely familiar.  I think we spotted them playing golf.”

I cackled, “Yes, I am sure they told you to say that.”

Gordo walked up.  “Ben, I transferred your luggage to Ralph E’s car.  You’re all set.  Ralph E says he’s coming back for vespers.  So, I think this is just a chance for you to unpack, shower, and come right back.”

Gabrielle asked, “What is vespers?  A church service?  What do I wear?”

I smiled, “Many ladies in attendance will be in their pink coveralls, since they will have just gotten off shift.  It is very casual, and we hold it in the Crystal Mountain.  It is a moment of reflection and a time for prayer.  And I think Ralph E likes it because it doesn’t last more than fifteen minutes.”

Ralph E reddened, “I am a busy man, but ending the day with vespers helps me unwind.  I wish I could come out here more often.”

With that, Ben, Gabrielle, and Ralph E were gone.

With Francis being a farmer, Joseline Johnson gave them their safety briefing, and they went to the top of the Crystal Mountain.  Emmett met them up there and told them about the African Exotic plants and their purpose for being there.  Then they went down paths that were rarely tread by guests.  Francis was fascinated by the bountiful harvest that we already had, and almost none of it growing in soil.  Françoise loved the sluices that were filled with water lilies.  She was fascinated that there was a little bit of lily root in the cider.

When they got back to ground level, people were starting to gather for vespers.  Ben and Gabrielle saw Frank and Françoise and laughed at their pink coveralls.  Frank told them that if they wanted to see the “farm in the air” they would be wearing pink coveralls too.  That Joseline Johnson was not someone to mess with.

The Franks were introduced to Gigi Yeggs and Frank Lynn, who would be the flower girl and ring bearer at Julia’s wedding.  As Françoise talked to the two children, she found Gigi to be much more talkative.  Frank Lynn was not her boyfriend.  Frank was one of many boyfriends.  And Gigi said that she liked pecans and peanuts, both grown on the Franks’ collection of farms, but she liked pecans better.  Francis told her she had given him the right answer.

The Franks were pleased to see the Dykstras, even the extended family.  Babs and Harold got reacquainted with the hosts of their honeymoon. Morrie, Harold’s son, had his entire family there, and Françoise gave Harold a copy of the finished brochure of their honeymoon destination.  Most of the wording was written by Harold.  If he charged for the work for writing advertisements, it would be a good business for him in retirement.  He was simply comfortable with his savings, and he loved helping friends.

The vespers service was directed by Dev Yeggs.  Arabella, Menzie, and Brooke led the singing.  They were starting to turn into a trio that might rival the Purple Four, but then again, we often invited Menzie to join us.  Maybe with Arabella’s blonde hair, Menzie’s red hair, and Brooke, the brunette, they could become the Neapolitan Trio.  And we could combine the trio with the quartet.

The next day was a quiet day.  Baldy already had the decorations up for the wedding that night.  And the slight change in the decorations for Julia’s wedding would need to be done in secret anyway.

The Franks were introduced to the wedding party at the rehearsal.  Other than Uncle Francis as Sknarf’s best man, Julia had Mamma Missy MacDougall as the matron of honor.  Missy had to be ready to come back to work, ending her maternity leave a little early, or Julia would be unable to take time off for a honeymoon.  Her bride’s maids were Mary Jo Lynn, Brooke, Patty, Anna, Marika, and Susana.  The last four being the forlorn four.  Those four had finally convinced Julia that she was not the overweight, frumpy girl who had been looking for a job at Lily the Pink, our first new hire after emancipation.  And because they were such a lovely couple at the Dykstra wedding, they had Little Joe Painter and Grace Grunge.  Since Frank Lynn was the ring bearer, that made the entire future Painter family part of Julia’s wedding.  The groomsmen were Tony Painter, Goober Gomez, Todd, Bubba, Luke, and Trey.  The interlopers at the rehearsal dinner were Gwen and myself.  I cannot help it.  I am incurably nosy.  Besides, it’s my house.  Rev. Joseph Jones was to conduct the wedding, and he brought Mary and baby Ethan.  Missy made a quick call and Menzie came in with baby Ailsa. All those in the wedding party attended Stinker’s Sunday school class.

Joseph blessed the meal and then he announced that he had proposed an introduction to the wedding ceremony – before the actual ceremony started, but Rev C.S.L. had advised against it, but it was perfect for the rehearsal dinner.

Rev. Joseph said, “We are gathered together to join these two in holy matrimony.  ‘“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”’ (Matthew 19:4-6).  That could not be more true than at tomorrow’s wedding between Julia and Sknarf, oops, I mean, Gordon.  Between this lovely lady and this alien from a land, far, far away, oops, I mean, pecan farmer from Georgia.  Some of you laugh.  Some of you look confused.  But who, other than God, could bring these two together in the way that it happened.  Gordon’s parents died within a couple of months of each other.  Gordon’s mother told him that he was a total disappointment.  She would die without bouncing a grandchild on her knee.

“After she was gone, Gordon quit his job as a nuclear power operator and got a bus ticket to the big city of Tracy.  A big city with connections to surrounding farmland had to have an eligible woman somewhere.  Along the way, he was mugged, with his bus ticket and the clothing on his back as his only possessions.  Although concussed, he remained on the bus trip and finally arrived in Tracy.  No food in days.  Drinking with cupped hands under the restroom sink faucet at bus stops.  He announced at the Tracy bus stop that he is looking for a woman.  Someone who was ill informed pointed him toward Lily the Pink, thinking it to still be a brothel.  He snuck in when Julia, who rarely makes a mistake, left a door ajar.

“He entered Mommie Pinkie’s office.  Missy was getting ready to go on vacation and she had already put Julia in charge of security.  Mommie Pinkie and Mamma Missy were in idle conversation, when Gordon burst into the room, with Julia on his heels.  Gordon announced that he needed a woman to make love with.  He called himself Sknarf, from a land far, far, away.  Missy suggested that he be thrown to the street.  Mommie Pinkie was concerned, knowing that the two security ladies could easily take care of this deranged man from outer space.  To Gordon’s credit, he never mentioned that he was an ‘alien.’  Julia saw something in his eyes, a silent cry for help.  She agreed to his demand.  A bizarre kiss with both leaning forward, only the palms of their hands and their lips touching.

“It had to be for exactly three seconds for Sknarf’s life to be sustained.  Mommie Pinkie was the timer, and she stopped the kiss at four seconds.  No, no, no!  This would not do.  They were now betrothed.  Against the advice of the others, Julia took Sknarf to her bed and pinned him down in the covers.  She slept on top of the covers.

“When he awoke, he was Gordon Franks, and he had no remembrance of Sknarf at all.  Julia realized that Gordon Franks was Sknarf Nodrog spelled backwards.  She took him to the kitchen and Thomas fed Sknarf his first food in days.  And Julia has stayed by Gordon ever since, after all, she was betrothed to Sknarf.

“Truly these two were meant for each other.”

There was much laughter.  Ben said that Gordon was never going to live that story down, but then Gordon asked if it was true that his bride was the mother of his mother-in-law?  They both decided to call a truce.

The wedding decoration that had to remain a secret was a series of inflatable green aliens.  One was floating (helium) over the strings of lighting that acts as a canopy for the wedding service.  There was a life-sized, hmmm, human-sized alien sitting next to Ben and Gabrielle.  And there were small plastic aliens in each bouquet, Julia’s, Missy’s and each bride’s maid.  Too small to notice.  But then, in the conference center, at the reception, Chick Krupa, the husband of Jazz Apple and the drummer in the band, was dressed in an alien costume.  Jemima Yeggs, the photographer, got one alien or another in as many photographs as possible.

Sknarf would follow Gordon forever.

At the wedding ceremony, Rev. Joseph did a marvelous job, and only Julia said “Sknarf,” but she corrected herself.  And Julia was absolutely gorgeous.  She has become extremely fit while training all the new guards and others who want hand-to-hand combat and self-defense training.  Julia’s parents saw the wedding dress and were shocked at how trim she was.  She had always worn baggy clothing to cover up her “chubby” body.  She still wore that around her parents.  So, the form fitting wedding dress was a big surprise.

Then Julia actually danced with Gordo.  They did a Latin dance that almost looked like they were making love on the dance floor in front of everyone.  The wedding party did some synchronized moves, but the ones that stole the show were Little Joe Painter and Grace Grunge. They had continued dance lessons ever since the Dykstra wedding.  They did some swing dancing and then switched into one of the new dances that are on the videos.  Bea and Bro were keeping up with the trends, and Joe and Grace were fast learners.

Marika was the tallest bride’s maid by far and the only one who was athletic.  But somehow her timing was off on the bouquet toss.  It was Mary Jo’s bouquet to catch, and her marriage to Tony Painter would be in less than a month.

Julia and Sknarf went to Gordon’s apartment that night, leaving Francis and Françoise in her apartment.  They all left in the Hillbilly Limousine the next morning after Ben and Gabrielle returned from the Dala Enterprises penthouse.  No need for painting the bus.  It already had permanent markings announcing that newlyweds were aboard. I think one sign said, “Just hitched” to keep with the Hillbilly theme.

Note: The Hillbilly Limo is an old school bus, with seating for the driver, cruise attendant seating, and then a privacy wall.  Then in the back there was a BBQ grille, bed, and first-class seating, if they did not wish to use the bed.  And the seating was first-class, but made to look like bales of hay.  The bed had silk sheets and a memory foam mattress.  Hillbilly, but “classy.” It was nice having the vehicle at Lily the Pink since I hoped a lot of them would be taking advantage of Gordon’s honeymoon destination. They would not be shocked in seeing the Hillbilly Limo.

Julia and Sknarf had done the Sknarf-style love-making kiss as their first kiss upon being declared husband and wife, but then they did so again on the bus.  But once the doors were closed, I doubt if they stopped there.

But then scrambling to find accommodations for out-of-town relatives to stay was kind of silly, even though we could offer bus rides to and from the hotel.  Lately, we are having most of the homeless families staying at the mission downtown.  We had a lot of fulltime employees who stayed here, some former homeless people.  Bart and Tamara would soon marry to at least free up another apartment, maybe two since Bart sold his old house where his wife had plotted his murder, a murder that went wrong in every way possible.  But if I could shuffle the residents around, I might be able to free up a floor somewhere to have hotel accommodations of my own.  So far, most of the weddings were for people in Tracy and they had extra room for out-of-town guests.  Rota might need some training from Françoise in hotel management, but I was thinking of only opening the rooms for wedding families, not an operating hotel.  But I see horror stories of guests that are drunk and they trash the place.  I’ll have to think about that one.  Besides, the mission might suddenly need more family-sized apartments.

But one thing is for sure, once the babies start arriving for Amy and Ralph E, they will not be so generous in the future.

Credits

I have researched the Hillbilly Limousine concept, probably not two of them alike.  I don’t think any of them had a built-in BBQ grille, but now that I have mentioned it, someone will try it.