Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I am Mashie Niblick.  I am presently employed as the greenskeeper of the Hoity Toity Golf Club in the big city of Tracy.  The government paid for my enrollment at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and then I became an agent in the espionage business.  I became a greenskeeper out of the need for a cover story, and I enjoyed the job and my latest name and the woman who knew me by no other name…  Okay, my entire life I dreamed of finding someone named Pauline and being the guy who came to the rescue, as in The Perils of Pauline.  It was my thing, and maybe a goofy thing.  I entitle these stories as my wife’s misadventures.  But in these misadventures, I usually arrive after she has solved the problem.

This misadventure was close to home.  In fact, it was on the golf course where I am the greenskeeper.

Pauline and I invited Jacob and Dinah Levy for a round of golf when the course was shut down to members.  They invited Amy G Dala (Newman) and her husband Ralph E Newman.  It was against the club rules to have a group larger than four people, but with both Dinah and I working for Amy, I doubt if we would get into trouble.  No one was worried about the speed of play with us being the only ones on the course.

But somehow, I never expected what would happen.

Wait.  To clarify things, the course was basically shut down due to repairs made after a professional tournament last weekend.  The divots were repaired, and the course was fertilized.  The greens would be wet.  People might get sick if they touched their golf ball and then touched their lips without washing their hands.  It was easier to keep everyone off the course.  Our mid-afternoon round was to ensure that everything was back in shape for golf to resume the next morning.  As for the damage, it was not just the golfers making divots.  It was the patrons who trampled the grass in the rough and at designated crosswalks across the fairways.

I checked with the starter, and we were the only people that he had seen all day.  He was eating a big plate of barbeque.  Amy knew that most of the rich folk at the Hoity-Toity Club had no problem breaking the rules.  She had set up a barbeque competition among the various barbeque places in Tracy.  At least she could distract them from tearing up the golf course.

The first hole was a reachable par-four.  There was a problem with trying to reach the green with a tee shot.  There was a small desert-sized sand hazard to the right of the green, and small punitive sand hazards dotting the left side of the green.  The only route to the hole was a thin strip of fairway that was only reachable by a slight draw.  In our group, there were Pauline and I who were scratch golfers and the other four were trying to learn.  Pauline drove the green.  I played it safe, but my chip onto the green was in gimme range, but Pauline announced no gimme putts.  And the other four did not do too bad.

As we wrote down our scores, Pauline announced.  “Everybody, we are not going to gamble, but I know someone who has a 3-D printer.  He with provide a cheesy trophy to the few winners in our game today.  We will have eight winners unless there are ties.  First, we will play a regular round of golf, and those with handicaps will get a full handicap instead of a 75% handicap that the Hoity Toity people use.”

Pauline grinned, “Then, we will play boys versus girls.  For each hole, we will take the best two scores for each hole.  And finally, we will play Bingo, Bango, and Bongo.”

Dinah asked, “I thought you were a preacher’s kid or something.  Bingo is a game where gambling is prevalent.  A bong is illegal in this state, and I am surprised that you would suggest such a thing.  And I have had a banging addiction in the past.  I like you people, but I do not think I could do that anymore.”

Jacob said, “With me, she does just fine.”

Dinah purred, “With you, I am great, and you are learning.  But you are my one and only.”

Amy groaned, “Okay, you two.  I am kind of like Dinah, no banging for me either.”

Pauline held up a hand, “Can I explain the game?  Please?  You score a Bingo if you are the first person on the green with everyone taking turns in the proper fashion.  Mashie suggested that our first tee shots would be in order of highest to lowest handicap.  Mashie and I have a zero handicap, and Mashie suggested that I go before him, women first.  And now, Jacob will tee off first due to his handicap giving him the same adjusted score as Mashie’s and my birdies.  But once we tee off, the next one to hit the ball is the furthest from the hole.  So, that gives us the Bingo.  Then, the Bango is the closest to the pin.  So, if you hit your ball onto the fringe of the green, and everyone else is on the green, you could chip or putt and get closest to the pin, even though it took more strokes.  Bingo, Bango, Bongo takes handicaps out of the game.”

Ralph E asked, “And I doubt if Bongo has anything to do with cannabis.  If it were Bonzo, it would be a chimpanzee.”

Pauline asked, “Is everybody trying to be a comedian today?  Bongo is the first ball in the hole.  Again, taking their putts with the furthest from the hole going first.”

Jacob protested, “Mashie went out of turn.”

Pauline nodded, “But I used the range finder on each ball, and I got the Bingo.  Mashie got the Bango. And the longest made putt was Jacob.  He would have been first if not for Mashie going out of turn.  Okay?”

Amy said, “Thank you for your long putt, Pauline.  The liquid fertilizer makes this cute rooster tail behind the ball as it rolls, and it also makes a little trail on the green.  So, the Bongo, as you call it, might be aided by knowing how the ball breaks.  The line of the putt is easy for all of us to see.”

I said, “That is one of the reasons that the course was shut down today.  No one’s handicap will be affected by this round.  The putting is easy to see a break if on the same part of the green, but you also have to hit the putt harder to overcome the liquid on the green.”

Jacob asked, “Mashie, I hate bringing up a painful situation, but is this fertilizer the same stuff they used to kill Janis Ozolins?”

I nodded, “Yes, Jacob, and I became the greenskeeper temporarily when Pauline found him murdered in what is now my office.  And no one needs to get scared.  He died of being drowned in the liquid fertilizer.  The chemical hazards are that it might make you sick, stomach and digestive issues, if you ingest too much.  So, wash your hands before touching your mouth.    But I owe my present job to Janis.  I am still the greenskeeper here, and the fertilizer spray system was one of the things that I did for Janis.  He was a wonderful friend.  Each year that we put this stuff down on the course, I go to his grave and put flowers.  But let’s get the scores.  Guys or Dolls?”

Pauline growled, “You should know, Mashie.  With handicaps, Jacob, you and I tied with birdies.  Amy got a net par, so, if you insist – Guys are two under.  Dolls are one under.”

Dinah asked, “Where is the booze for when we get three sheets under?”

Pauline growled, “Dinah, no booze on this round.  And I think to saying is three sheets to the wind.  But Amy is picking up a picnic lunch for everyone at the turn.  Since the Levys complain about getting tired, we will stop for a picnic after the twelfth hole at the gazebo.  There would be no one behind us today anyway.  Maybe they won’t fall apart as readily with some nourishment, and a little rest wouldn’t hurt any of us.”

Dinah turned to Amy, “Pauline mentioned chipping the ball near the green.  How is Chip doing?”

Amy blushed, “Please, don’t say that I am a bad parent.  He is doing fine.  He is growing like a weed.  He is probably asleep at Lily the Pink nursery.  I fed him and put him down for a nap.  This is my first separation from him, so let’s get to the next tee.  Greta Grunge is the designated wet nurse, but Mary Jones volunteered to stay there with Ethan.  Since Rev. Joseph was on vacation, chasing storms, he is meeting with each group therapy session to assess and get things back on track if needed.  The nursery gave Mary a chance to get away from all the group therapy people.”

Jacob asked, “I thought the group therapy sessions were private.”

Amy smiled, “They are, but the next group goes to the apartment and talks to Mary until it is their turn.  It’s like she is the therapist before the therapist some of the time.  Or that is what she says.  She would be happy hiding her face in the film editing software, but she has gotten to know a lot of the ladies that work at Lily the Pink.”

I reminded, “Jacob, you are up.  Then, Pauline, me, Amy, Ralph E, and Dinah.  And Dinah, I did not know that you loved the sand so much.”

Dinah smiled, “I had the most fun of anyone on the first hole.  I visited three sand traps.  And Ralph and I are the only ones who had that pleasure.”

Ralph E said, “Hey!  I only made it into the big trap, just three strokes to get out of it.”

I groaned, “This is going to be a long round.”

The next hole was slightly uphill.  The water did not come into play until the second shot, but the psychological draw of the water made Jacob’s slice worse than usual. He hacked through the rough to the green, but he stayed dry.  Pauline and I had errant approach shots, and Ralph E got on the green first.  The important thing is that one male and one female could have a bad hole and not affect the Guys and Dolls competition, as long as Pauline and I were close to the same score.  This allowed everyone to stay loose.

Then, when we hit our tee shots on the long par five that is up hill, Jacob thought he saw movement on the green through his range finder.  Shooting a 3-Wood was too risky, and nothing else would make it to the green.  I had no idea what Jacob was doing with his range finder anyway.  He handed it to me.

If you have played the Hoity Toity club, the third hole is reachable in two shots by cutting across the dogleg.  Neither Pauline nor I did that since no one else had the length in their drives to take that risk.  If the score really meant something, Pauline and I would have been a half of a shot closer to the green.

There was indeed a foursome on the green, putting.  And stark naked.  Two male, two female.  Amy used her camera, but the zoom was a bit grainy.  None of us could reach the green in two, but we did not take our second shots until they left the green.  We did not wish to spook them.  I called in the sighting to the police.  They had two patrols come in with no siren or lights.  One patrol hid in the woods near the number 16 tee.  The other hid in the trees near the number 6 tee.

They would not risk playing the ninth hole and being greeted by the people eating barbeque.  So, if they spotted us behind them, they would slip through the trees, missing holes 8-11.  And since 4-7 made a loop, they might skip those holes.  Of course, they might play the fourth and fifth holes and cut across the first hole to leave the course.  But we did not need the notoriety of indecent exposure.  But if they were completely naked, the fertilizer would not kill them, but they might get sick.  If they were shoeless, the lack of stability in their swing could leave to a lot of course damage, damage that we had just repaired.

As it turned out, they simply disappeared.  Maybe they spotted us and ran back to the gap in the fence that club security people eventually found.  Other than Amy’s grainy photos that she might give Dev Yeggs, we had nothing.  Unless they got sick and a doctor found out what the dye stains were on their feet and hands.

As we got back to the clubhouse after the ninth hole, Amy went in to pick up our dinners for our picnic.

As it seems to work out with Bingo, Bongo, Bango, we each had one of each.  The other three bingos were split between Pauline and me.  It was roughly the same for the bongos and bangos, with one extra bango going to Jacob of all people.  Then again, Jacob’s game seemed to unravel on the back nine.  He claimed it was his age, and he simply got tired, but I think it is water.  He slices the ball, and there is water on the right side of numbers 10, 11, 13, 14, and 18.  Fifteen is an island green par-3, and a slight slice means you are dry but in the sand.

As we started the back nine, we had security making a slow round to check the fence line, quietly.  We had told the police on number six that we did not see them double back, so they had either snuck out or the police on 16 would catch them.  No sense in the police watching after we passed through.  There was no one behind us.

As predicted, Jacob got wild on the next few holes, but the Guys and Dolls game wasn’t a total loss with Ralph E playing within his abilities and not trying to over do each shot.  Amy had only delivered a baby three weeks before, but she did the same.  She slowed down her swing, and kept the ball in play, although she sacrificed distance.  Dinah was simply a golfer that had no distance to begin with.

Oddly, Amy and Dinah talked about the naked golfers more than the rest of us did put together.  They had both had very promiscuous lives prior to becoming Christians, but they were the most offended by the youthful prank.  When we completed the twelfth hole, we went to the gazebo that overlooked the lake.  If there was anyone on the course, we could see parts of 7 and 8, all of 11 and 12, and parts of 13 and 14.  We were all alone.  We let the police at 16 know that if they had not spotted the naked golfers, they had probably slipped out.

Since Amy was my boss and Dinah’s boss (Dinah being the non-golf entertainment coordinator, otherwise known as the trivia master), Amy wanted a little update, professionally and personally.  Something to talk about while we ate lunch.

Amy said, “I have not left the building since we got home from the hospital.  What is going on with your lives?”

Dinah asked, “Can we say same as usual and then eat our sandwich and get back to the golf?”

Amy said, “That sounds like you did something naughty.  Spill the beans, Dinah.”

Dinah let out a deep breath.  “Last week, we had a lot of pro golfers staying here.  They heard about the trivia game and who is going to tell a bunch of pro golfers that we don’t allow side bets.  So, things got out of hand and some of our female members snuck off with some of the pro golfers.  But that was just one night.  Word got back to the culprits that I was very upset.  Hopefully, they won’t try that next year.”

Jacob said, “And as you may know, I am officially totally retired.  One of the people that I hand picked and groomed is running the organization outside DC.”

Amy smiled, “Hugh McAdoo.  I met him and his wife, Sue.  She is such a beautiful woman.  And I know how your business works sometimes, Sue and Hugh did not meet by accident.  Is their romance classified?”

Jacob smiled, “They pretend that it was accidental.  They have drawn the lines and too many things intersect.  You know the routine with GrandPa.  He stole things while doing things to foreign safes that we wanted done.  I managed his finances as did the bosses before me.  GrandPa gave the rescued ladies from the sex trade start-up money to start a business, but in affecting the escape, I had to allocate assets.  To justify those assets being used, I recruited the rescued ladies to be casual observers.  We got troop movement information.  They would also speak to the practical side of the economy.  There is so much you can learn from the big picture data, but having someone with a hand in the commerce of the nation helps too.  Those that we could not move to a safe location in their home country were relocated to Aruba.  That’s why GrandPa used to go there for a while every summer.”

Amy moaned, “Background, background.  We all know Suzy Q was a GrandPa rescue.  We know that both of them graduated from the same university and they had known each other all four years.  And they both went to work for you.”

Jacob nodded, “Suzy Q was rescued in the USA.  We provided assets to help her escape.  Bountiful Babs productions was not mobbed up, but there are too many ways to track people.  I told Sue that she owed us some favors, and we might offer her a job.  This is a free country, but when you fly a private jet across the country, someone has to pay for the gas.”

Jacob gathered his thoughts. “It wasn’t that we had operatives everywhere, but the one known as Hugh McAdoo now was on a scholarship with us.  The obligation was about as nebulous as what we gave Suzy Q.  But one day, we had a friend rope Hugh into a panty raid.  Once the suggestion is made, it takes on a life of its own.  But Suzy’s roommate was out of town on a drama club excursion.  Hugh was kind of thrust into her room, and then, somehow the door got stuck.

“Sue was indignant.  She wanted him to leave, but with the door stuck he couldn’t.  So, they both sat on the edge of her bed and they talked.  All our psychological testing, dating app type stuff, all of it pointed to them being very compatible.  And other than Hugh needing a pair of panties, everything was platonic.  That is until the floor monitor came by and noticed that her door was stuck.  Suzy said she was in the room alone and had not even tried to leave.  And when the monitor came into the room, Hugh was underneath the bed.  With everyone asleep in the dorm, she helped Hugh sneak out of the building.  And Hugh was the hero of the panty raid, the only one who came back with crotchless panties.

“Then, the next month, they were at a freshman honorary society meeting, and they just happened to be at the same table for dinner.  That led Hugh to walk Sue back to her dorm, but now, they had each other’s contact information.  They dated the first time a week later, a free university band concert of some sort, woodwind ensemble, I think it was.  By this point, they were ahead of schedule, so the people that we had that would have manufactured ways for them to accidentally bump into each other weren’t needed.  Starting the sophomore year, the university allowed them to move off campus.  They had enough money to do that, and they moved in together.  Hugh had a debit card with his scholarship, and there were a couple of charges near the end of their freshman year at a local hotel.  So, we think that started the intimacy.”

Dinah laughed, “Early in their Fall semester of the sophomore year, I pretended to do a wellness check on Hugh’s scholarship, something he was told would happen.  They said they slept in separate beds, but there was no indication that Sue had ever been in her bedroom.  Even her clothing was in his room.  But they did not get married until after they finished school and before they came to work for us.  When they saw both of us together at employee orientation, they looked at each other and laughed.  It seemed they thought everything was a normal romantic comedy until they realized that Jacob had played matchmaker all along.”

Amy nodded, “I thought so.  Now, to the greenskeeper.”

I shrugged, “I thought everything was fine until I saw unidentified naked people playing golf.”

Amy groaned, “Maybe not all are unidentified.  The black girl is one of our caddies this summer.”

Jacob asked, “Caddies?  I did not know there were caddies.”

Amy sighed, “It’s a program that I started this year.  I have a van that goes to the Central school district.  I had Mashie interview the girls, and I picked the ones that had a good personality, had some spatial reasoning, were a bit athletic, and above average in grades.  And they had to be at least sixteen.  Mashie taught them how to read the greens.  Late in the evening, they would putt balls all over the green.  He showed them the distance markers in the fairway and he measured their stride.  That is so they can give a fairly good estimate of distance in case the golfer does not have a range finder.  So, when school was out, we announced to the membership that we had caddies.  I had gotten them uniforms.  The club pays them minimum wage, but the members tip them generously, especially when they win.  And the good thing about it is that the caddies know the rule book, and the foursome does not cheat, although they might have one mulligan per nine holes, if the foursome agrees before they start.”

Dinah asked, “And why do employees not know about this?”

Amy smiled, “You play late in the evening after the girls have finished their shift.  Play in the lull of the hot sun and you might have your pick of caddies.”

Jacob said, “But Mashie knew, and he said nothing.”

I shrugged, “It never came up in conversation.  And they have less experience on these greens than you do.”

Dinah growled, “But their eyes and legs are a lot younger.  We don’t need the distance with our range finder, but the putts are something completely different.”

I raised my hands in defeat, “Okay, I should have mentioned it.  But Amy, this pulled pork is delicious.”

With that, we were back out on the course.  When we got to the sixteenth green, Ruthie Toody said, “Oo, Oo!  The big time golfers have arrived.  Francine and I thought you fell in the lake and drowned.”

Francine huffed, “I did not, Ruthie!”

Pauline replied, “Why are you still here?  Did you find our naked golfers?”

Ruthie said, “Oo, Oo!  We found what we thought was better, but the lieutenant thinks we kicked a hornet’s nest.”

Amy moaned, “What did you find, Ruthie?  I need to know, since I am the president here.”

Ruthie asked, “Oo, Oo!  This was inside the fence, but beyond the Out of Bounds markers.  Does that count?”

Amy nodded, “If it’s inside the fence, it counts.  Enough with the suspense.”

Ruthie said, “We heard some chanting.  We knew there was not supposed to be anyone on the course except you, so we thought it might be the naked golfers.  It was to the left of number 17, between the OB fence and the property fence.  It was a witch’s coven.  They said they had permission, but that did not sound right.  I called Paddy and the riot bus, and we booked about fifty people.  You will have to confirm they were trespassing, but Lt. Yeggs said that if they had a permit, we could not discriminate against them.  So, this could be a public relations nightmare.”

Amy groaned, “My first day away from Chip and I am being punished.  Yes, I will show that we have no written agreements with any group.  Our private club is strictly private.  How did they get in?”

Francine said, “It was really slick.  They have a truck park illegally on the shoulder of the road next to the fence.  They have this portable stile that swings out from the truck.  Steps up to a platform.  The platform extends over the fence and then steps down to the ground on the Hoity Toity side.  With that kind of rig, I think they have done this before.”

Amy sighed, “I wonder how many years this has been going on.  Do they only do it once a year when the golf course is shut down?”

I asked, “It’s the first that I have heard of it.”

Amy told Ruthie, “I will go to formally complain of the trespass on our way home.”

The next morning, Amy was in her office at the club.  She never sits behind her desk at the club.  Almost never…  Until now.

While we had a minute, Amy said, “The witches have an ancient document, for when the Hoity Toity was run by the Rotten Apples, prior to Red Delicious.  It was a one-time easement.  They paid for the privilege.  They assumed that it would be annual, once each year ceremony on unholy ground.  Each person that was arrested has been charged with a summary offense of trespassing, charged with $200 and time served.  Two exceptions in that there were two members among those that were there.  Their membership has been revoked for behavior that was an embarrassment to the club.  And building a portable stile, mounted on a truck bed, erases any thought of not knowing that they were trespassing.  Guests come through the door.”

I suggested, “I think we need to build that apartment complex that has been on the drawings for decades.  You know, delete the word ‘future.’”

Amy laughed, “Gotcha!  Oh, there is a timid, soft knock at the door.”

The caddy that we had called to the office was asked to take a seat.

The caddy asked, “Ma’am, is something wrong?  Am I fired or something?  I have not heard of any of us being called into your office before.”

Amy had just fed Chip.  She got him ready for a nap.  And she laid him in the bassinette before acknowledging the caddy’s presence.  Amy asked, “Do you wish to be fired?  Oh, before you answer that, tell me your name.”

The caddy began to cry.  “I’m Gymra Harris.  Missah Niblick here hired me and trained me to be a caddy.  And no, I don’t want to be fired.  I like the work.  I need the money.  Some of the others are talking about saving for a tech school skill training program.  I just want some rich girl hand-me-downs at the thrift store.  This uniform is the best threads I got.  I need some clothes just to make it look like I belong in high school.”

Amy sighed, “So, Gymra, is that short for Gym Rat?”

Gymra said, “My mama said my Daddy named me that.  They dropped the ‘T’ so it wasn’t that easy to figure out.  Then, Daddy disappeared.  Other than a couple photos, I have no idea what he looks like.  He wanted Mama to know the only way out of Tracy Central was to be a gym rat.  Please, ma’am, I needs this job.”

Amy said, “Your job is to assist players in carrying their clubs, reading putts, and estimating distances.  Your job is not to play golf with the guests.  I know this is unusual, but if you want your job, take off your socks and shoes.”

Gymra asked, “Can you do that?  I don’t think you can axe me to disrobe.”

Amy sighed, “The word is ‘ask,’ not ‘axe.’  I am not telling you to remove your underwear.  Keep your uniform on, just remove your shoes and socks.  Mr. Niblick wants to check the bottom of your feet in case you have a reaction to the fertilizer that you stepped in yesterday.”

Gymra broke down.  She was sobbing.  Amy threw a box of tissues at her.

I snickered, “That was quick.”

Amy said, “First, I have watched Pink Lady in action.  Second, if she persists in crying, Chip will wake up crying.  He likes to join in when that happens.  They said he was a holy terror in the Medical Center nursery.  I love Chip unconditionally, like any mother would.  But he’s my first.  I am just learning.”

I smiled, “First?”

Amy had a twinkle in her eyes.  “Yeah, Ralph E and I agreed that we wanted more kids.”

Gymra cried softly, “I saw somebody on the third fairway.  I told them we had to go, but the other three wanted to make their putts.  I didn’t even bother.  I put the flag back in place and we ran back to where our clothes were.  We got dressed and left.  He didn’t give me a ride back into town.  I had to thumb my way home.  And he didn’t do like he promised.”

Amy nodded, “You say you like your job, but you risk it for these three thrill seekers.  He must have promised you something big.”

Gymra nodded, “He said he was a big tipper.  He knew where there was a break in the fence.  He broke through to watch the pros play.  You have to be slender to squeeze through.  As soon as we were inside the property, he announced this was going to be a nude golfing event.  It was this guy I had met at the grocery store the previous week.  I had worn my uniform and he started asking me questions.  He didn’t know I was dirt poor.  But he, his sister, and his sister’s boyfriend were getting naked.  And I stood there and watched.  The guy handed me a fifty-dollar bill.  I had never seen a fifty before.  He’s a senior at Diet Smith.  Anyways, he told me to get naked.  He would tip a lot more if I let him score.  I thought he meant win a golf hole or two.”

I sighed, “Gymra, that’s not what he meant.”

She nodded, “Yeah, and I don’t know how he did it, but he stole the fifty out of my pocket.  I came away with nothing, and I get fired in the bargain.”

Amy said, “You basically told the story in reverse.  You meet a guy you never met at the grocery store.  He knows how to sneak into the property.  You go with him and two others.  They pull this nude golf thing on you.  You go along with it for fifty dollars.  Besides, if no one is allowed to play yesterday, you would get away with it.  No witnesses.  You see us walking up the green.  You panic and the four of you run away, and the guy who had paid you fifty dollars stole his money back.”

Gymra had tears in her eyes.  She nodded.

Amy turned to me, “Have you heard anything more pathetic than that?”

I suggested, “I have some failed dating experiences that would make your toenails curl.”

Amy laughed.  Gymra asked, “Is this when you fire me?”

Amy reached for her purse.  She pulled out a stack of one hundred dollar bills.  She thumbed through it. “Nope, no fifty dollar bills.  Here, Gymra, here is a one hundred dollar bill, a Benjamin.  I guess you have never seen one of these either.  Keep it.  But I want to know about your playing golf.  You say you like the game.  You are supposed to caddy, not play.”

Gymra smiled, “Some of the old guys tip me a little more, not like this, but they also let me hit my approach shot to the green and then putt.  The first time I ever swung a wedge, just from watching them, I hit the ball to within a foot of the hole.  I was hooked.  I’ve never gotten that close since, but I know I can do it if I get to play more and get more practice.  I know I’m not supposed to be playing golf with these old guys, but to see the excitement that I have for the game, they seem to tip better.  I even used some tip money to buy a Hoity Toity golf shirt at the club store.”

Amy smiled, “I have some friends that I want you to meet.  I had already talked to some of those old guys, as you call them.”  Amy pressed a buzzer, and Carla and Brenton came in.

After the greetings, Gymra looked real hard at Carla and then said, “Oh, you are the big bopper.  You beat Central in softball a couple years ago all by yourself.  Where’d you go?”

Carla said, “Brenton and I got married after I graduated from Flintheart.  I play golf and softball at T.R.U.S.T., but this year, I’ll be out until the Spring semester, after the baby comes.”

Gymra asked, “You married this guy?”

Carla smiled and squeezed Brenton’s arm.  “Yes.  And we are expecting a baby in December.  Um, Amy, what do you have in mind?”

Amy said, “Before we get started, you took that storm chasing class this summer.  Did either of you get a codename?”

Carla laughed, “I just got a call from Home Wrecker last night.  It dawned on her that all my friends shorten my name to Car.  So, Home Wrecker suggested that she was thinking of Maserati or Lamborghini.  I told her that they were both dream cars, but I thought Maserati just sounded faster.”

Amy laughed, “Welcome to my humble office, Lamborghini!”

Carla laughed, “You understand Dr. Ellie’s methods.  Until he screws up, Brenton is Flat Stick, you know, a putter.”

Brenton said, “It’s better than being called a Putz, which was another option.”

Amy smiled, “Gymra here did something really stupid yesterday because she needs the basic necessities of life.  Her mother is a single mother.  She must be okay with shelter and food, but clothing is a little lacking.  Gymra is an excellent caddy but still learning.  Car, you do a great job of keeping up the housework, along with athletic training, college classes, but with the baby coming, you need some maid service.  If Gymra’s mother is okay with it, she can move into one of your spare bedrooms, help with the housework, and still work here as a caddy.  She’d have to transfer to Flintheart, but then she can ditch the idea of barely making it out of high school.  She has a nice head on her shoulders, and she would love to learn how to play golf.  She was held back a year, so she is sixteen, almost seventeen, and about to start her junior year.  She needs to think college, not finding a dead end job out of high school.”

Brenton laughed, “I see the deer in the headlights look on Gymra’s face.  But what I just heard was you pulling a Pink.”

Amy huffed, “Pink’s ahead of me in so many things.  I have sold a few ideas that have helped people in Tracy, but I have never pulled a Pink until now.”

Carla said, “Well, as our maid, she will have to go with us to Stinker’s Sunday school class and nightly vespers at Lily the Pink.  Gymra, can you swim?  You have to pass a swim test before they let you take the water slides.”

Gymra smiled even bigger, “Ms. Dala, Ma’am, Mama was already wondering when I would get a job and leave home.  She never finished high school, so she thought I wasn’t working at it hard enough.”

Amy smiled, “I’ll give your mother a call and have someone pick her up so we can meet.  I’m kind of tethered to a little boy who is not a month old yet.”

Carla said, “If it’s all arranged, Brenton and I can come to your house to help you with your things.”

Gymra shrugged, “Ain’t much to get.  Probably fit in a couple of shopping bags.  Mama will be glad to have one less mouth to feed.  Can I visit her?”

Carla gave her a big hug.  “Gymmie, you are going to feel so free in a few months.  You will laugh at that question.  Sure, you can visit.  They can visit you.  Now what did you do that was so stupid?”

Gymra said, “Ms. Dala and Missuh Niblick caught me playing the third hole naked as a jay bird.”

Without blinking, Brenton asked, “But did you par the hole?”

Credits

The Perils of Pauline was a movie serial that started in 1914. It defined many serials that followed, including the Perils of Pauline “moment,” the cliffhanger that caused you to return to the theater for the next installment.

Guys and Dolls, by Frank Loesser, was a musical about gambling in the 1940s New York City.  My brother was an extra in a stage production of the musical when he was in college.  He had two lines and on one occasion, he jumped rope across the stage.

I played on a golf course that had just fertilized their greens with a blue liquid fertilizer.  When you putted the ball, the ball made a nice blue rooster tail behind the ball as it rolled.  And at an angle, you could see a line that showed the path of the ball.  It was easy to see the break of the green if you were somewhere near that point on the green.  I have had that type of assistance from dew when I was the first on the course, before they swept the dew from the greens.

And Amy having nothing but Benjamins ($100 bills) in her purse is a remembrance of a group of nuclear divers that I had contracted to do work thirty feet below the surface of a pool that could not be drained.  Don’t ask me why.  I needed change for a twenty and none of them had change.  I was paying their company over one thousand dollars an hour for their work.  Someone had to have change for a twenty.  The boss pulled out his wallet.  He had 10-12 Benjamins and one fifty.  He did not have change for a twenty, but he offered the alternative.  I could give him the twenty and then it would change from being MY twenty to being HIS twenty.  I did not take him up on that offer.

I was once passed on the German Autobahn by a Lamborghini.  I had my Volvo going beyond the post at 85mph, maybe near 100.  The Lamborghini was out of sight in less than maybe 5-6 seconds.  If my son did not have a Match Box car of that model, I would not have known what it was.

A Putz is of Yiddish origin, meaning a fool.  Flat Stick is a much better codename, but it took Home Wrecker, a.k.a. Dr. Elvira Q Casey extra time after she got back to dream up the names.  And if you are wondering, Brooke is Octopus.  She could pack the Turtle by herself, so it just seemed she had eight arms, or legs.  Goober was named Moses Hightower this past Sunday.