I’m Pink Lady Apple Yeggs and my friend, and brother-in-law, Deviled Yeggs suggested that I record each project that I set up in the hopes of reforming the people who continue to work for Lily the Pink Enterprises. If for no other reason, it would show how God is at work.
I had a sandwich at the bakery when my walkaround was over. Scrammie, what I call my husband Scrambled Yeggs, used to bring me lunch from the kitchen or a sandwich from the bakery when I basically had open door hours most of the day. When Joon and then Sparkle were tiny, I would have the security people hold the next person in line until the baby was fed and put down for their nap. Now the nap room is unused. If we tore it down, I would have a better view of the children in the play area. But they are usually in pre-school and when they are in the play area, the nap room gives the guests the idea that they are having a private conversation. Grannie Fannie is usually the only adult in that part of the room, and even she has moved to the nursery. She is taking that role of unofficial grandmother seriously. And Miss Madelaine (Madelaine Lothrop Morrisey, my headmistress of the school) loves having Grannie Fannie as a helper.
I was leaning back in my chair after Scrammie left. I was silently praising and thanking God for all my blessings.
Pink Pearl Apple burst into the room. “Mom, you and I have been requested at the Six P group. They told me to tell you that saying you are busy was not an excuse.”
I probably need to explain a few things. First, the Six P Group stands for Perfectly Polite Passionate and Particularly Pleasant People. That is much better than calling them the “Weird Couples” club. I thought of the club because I loved throwing mismatched people into a room and seeing what they can do with it. And the original ten couples of the group were mismatched couples to start with. As a result, they work as a team to help with the feeding of homeless people at Tracy (FHAT), a charity started by my brother-in-law Dev Yeggs. They have also worked out a plan with the faith-based groups at T.R.U.S.T. to provide a food bank for gap students. “Gap” as in too much family income to keep them off the free lunch program and not enough for a balanced diet. They are putting their heads together to think of other ways of helping.
But to illustrate what I mean by weird, my father was pardoned for killing people or he would still be in prison. He accepted Jesus in prison, and he gave information to identify the burial locations of all people we did not know about. He was the enforcer for the Rotten Apple Gang, the crime family in Tracy. He had murdered a lot of people, only other criminals, and only by orders of Red Delicious Apple, the crime boss at the time. His name is Ashmead Kernel Apple. But to be a “Weird Couple,” he has to be seeing someone. My mother, who abandoned me when I graduated high school, died in Florida a few years ago. Then, Pink Pearl showed up, calling me Mom, and wanting a job. She had an accounting degree. She was following in my footsteps, as she said. She looked just like what I looked like at her age, although hairstyles have changed. When her grandmother and my Dad came into the room, they immediately recognized each other. What I never knew was that my mother was a twin. She told my Dad to never touch her doppelganger, no mention of twin. When I was born, my Dad had a routine of sleeping with my Mom after he had taken a life. It bothered him. But I had just been born, and my mother told him to look elsewhere. He went to the far side of town and found the “doppelganger.” He slept with her and Cripps Pink Apple came into the world. Same father, mother being the wife’s twin sister, then Cripps Pink slept with Baldwin Apple and Pink Pearl was born. My mother was Gwenivere. Her twin sister was Genevieve. Or Vere and Vieve. I hired Pink Pearl, and Dad started dating Vieve, the twin sister of his late wife. I classify that as “weird.”
As for Pearl calling me Mom, she had been lied to by Vieve. We cleared that up. Under very weird circumstances Pearl and I are niece and aunt (half). But Pearl had grown up thinking I was her mother when I was the half-sister of her mother, my doppelganger who was dead before I knew she existed. Since most people call me Mommie Pinkie except for family, I accepted Pearl calling me Mom.
We had not celebrated the one-year anniversary of the Six P Group last month. I thought this might be a belated birthday party. As we walked in, Babs and Harold Dykstra were there, along with Mitzi and Baldy. So, even the new couples were in attendance.
Ash said, “There they are. We have everyone, even the emeritus members.”
I replied, “I don’t see Scrammie here.”
A voice behind me said, “As the military says, check your six, Sweetie.”
I turned around to see Scrammie, “What does that mean?”
Scrammie shrugged, “I was never in the military, but your six is directly behind you. It is a quick communication using an analog clock. If they said ‘trouble at two o’clock, then three is to the right, and you can look thirty degrees forward of three o’clock to see the trouble at two. But your six is where you cannot see unless you turn around. Don’t worry, I was protecting your very lovely six. Remind me to fondle your six later.”
I gasped, “Behave, Scrammie, you know that we have this room wired to pick up every word anyone says.” Then, I snickered, “I have security that always has an eye on my back. I have gotten used to them checking my six.”
We sat at the proffered chairs, not the middle of the table. We were emeritus members and we rarely attended meetings.
Dr. James Kildare was in the center of the table. “Thirteen months ago, we had an organizational meeting that founded the Six P group. It was Fred who suggested ‘Perfectly Polite, Passionate, and Particularly Pleasant People.’ We have been the Six P group ever since. There were ten couples that were selected by Pink Lady. Four of those couples were married, three given emeritus status. I am glad that all twenty founding members are here this afternoon. But now we have seven of the original couples who are married.”
I asked, “Gwen and GrandPa, Maeve and Thou, Scrammie and me, Mags and you were the original married couples. Julia and Sknarf and Tamara and Bart have gotten married since then. I have no idea who the seventh couple is. Were you in error or have I not gotten the memo?”
Dr. James smiled, “Pink, you did not get the memo because you would have made a big deal out of it.”
PawPaw, Ash, my Dad, spoke up, “Pinkie, my sweet daughter, I went down last week to the courthouse and Vieve and I have gotten married.”
Vieve said, “We told the group how we met. Vere had just given birth to you, and I slept with Ash. Cripps Pink was born. Same father, twin sisters as mothers, Cripps Pink was a Pink Lady Apple without the certificate. Then, Baldwin Apple took Cripps in as his private lover. They had Pink Pearl. It does not take away the history of Pink Pearl being your half niece, but now she is your half step niece. We wanted Pearl to feel like she was a legitimate part of the family. I made things worse by telling Pearl that you were her birth mother when Cripps Pink died so young.”
Ash said, “We knew you would want a big wedding, and we wanted a quiet thing for legal reasons.”
I asked, “What have you two been doing? Have you consummated the marriage yet? I cannot remember a night when you weren’t down the hall.”
Scrammie sighed, “No, Pink, PawPaw went out last Friday to check on a homeless guy down at the mission. He said he slept in one of Thou’s unfinished bedrooms.”
Ash nodded, “And I did that. But what I did not let you know is that Vieve met me there. We both talked to the guy who needed a friendly voice to talk to. Then, we went across the alley and slept together for the first time as husband and wife. We did enough to consummate the marriage, but I might be getting too old for that kind of thing. We did not get much sleep.”
Thou said, “They have pills for that or you can try Jochebed’s potion.”
Ash groaned, “Yeah, I know, but I had no idea what might get back to Pinkie.”
Gwen laughed, “Very little, there is no cat in Pink at all. I have never seen anyone as clueless as she is when it comes to gossip and curiosity. You could probably be talking about what happened in the same room and she would not catch on. Oh, but I love her.”
I added quickly, “In a sisterly way. But, PawPaw, what will you do? Your room here is too small for a couple.”
Vieve said, “Ash has put down an offer on a house that is across the street from Poached.”
Babs smiled, “We are just a block away!”
Vieve said, “Yes, we heard your dog howling when we toured the house.”
Harold said, “Sugar has all her needs met. When a rabbit is in the neighbor’s yard and the rabbit knows that we have an invisible fence, Sugar kicks up a fuss that the rabbit is not playing the game fairly.”
Ash shrugged, “I don’t blame the rabbit. I would not want to get eaten.”
Babs laughed, “Most of the time, Sugar picks the rabbit up in her mouth to show us what she did. Then she lets the rabbit go free. I am sure the rabbit is traumatized, but I have never seen Sugar kill one.”
While they were talking to their potential new neighbors, I shrunk in my seat.
Scrammie noticed, “What’s wrong, Pink?”
I hesitated, “I feel that sick feeling again. Daddy left this house to go to prison when I was thirteen. Then Dev Yeggs put me in the same prison on the women’s side to protect me while he investigated a murder that I was being framed for. I saw Daddy through some wheeling and dealing with the warden. I was suddenly thirteen again. I feel thirteen again now, the sad version. When will you be leaving, Daddy?”
Ash sighed, “Oh, Pinkie, like we said, we will be living across the street from family. I will come here every day with Pearl. I’ll work out something for Saturday and Sunday. Vieve wants to use her house on the far side of town as a rental. If Pearl ever finds a man and gets married, they could live there or buy another home. Until then, Pearl and I will be here for breakfast. We will stay until after vespers. And Vieve has asked Jochebed and Madelaine if she can help out in the school or nursery. They both can use the help, but they have not thought of the best fit yet. She does not need to be paid unless there is a liability issue.”
Then Ash added, “But you sell yourself short, Pinkie. You are the smartest and strongest woman that I know. Yes, Missy and Julia are the toughest fighters I have ever met. I would not wish to wrestle with them, but you have business sense. You have the fortitude to see ideas through to completion even when it is not your idea. And you intensely love everyone on this campus. And you love those employees at CRAGS that are along the Columbia River Gorge.”
I nodded, “Maybe I learned that toughness from my Daddy. I will miss you, just knowing that you are not down the hall. But I am happy for you.”
Dr. James tapped his glass with a fork. “And there are more surprises that Pink may not like.”
I put my hands to my temples; I did not know if I could take this.
Grannie Fannie said, “Lancelot (Lance Allott) and I are getting married soon. I think Liam will be satisfied if he sees us working toward the wedding.”
I asked, “You are getting married at Liam’s insistence? What is going on?”
Lancelot said, “Liam is in pre-K. He talks to Dennis, Miss Morrissey’s son. He talks to Kanok and Grayson Grunge, Samantha ver Waarloosd, and the twin friends, Ibie Yeggs and Baffy Niblick. I am not saying that all those children have a well-adjusted life. Some only have roof over their heads because of you, but all of them have a mother and a father. None of my kids ever knew their father. Their mother is deceased. And I sleep on Grannie Fannie’s couch because we are not married. Liam wants to understand why we are not the same as everyone else, with a Mommy and a Daddy. So, I have accepted Jesus and Liam understands that was Fannie’s biggest concern. One wonderful thing here is that skin color is hardly seen, if at all. I am Caucasian. Zuri’s mother was black. Then Zuri’s lovers were Asian (Liam), African (Olympia), and Latin (Ellie Rain). With the rainbow children of yours and Gwen’s and then when the Wednesday’s children show up, my three grandchildren fit in except for one thing. They have no mother and father. Well, Grannie Fannie has agreed to marry me. I have bought a house near here. Not in the rich portion of town, but a lakeside home. Follow the Pee Brook to the lake and our house is adjacent to the property you purchased to keep people from messing with your effluent from the wastewater treatment facility.”
I had a catch in my throat. “I see how that could be a problem for a four-year-old. We can try to tell him all the wonderful things that he has, but we cannot create a Mommy and Daddy from nothing. But why leave the apartment?”
Grannie Fannie said, “The deadline for reinvesting capital gains is not part of the deal for tax purposes anymore, but there is this complicated equation. Buying the house on the lake will resolve that equation. We can walk through your outdoor wilderness area. And then if the trucks will look out for us, we can walk to the bakery with about the same amount of steps that we take walking from the apartment. Circling shipping and receiving to avoid vehicular traffic altogether would make it a longer walk, but we might get a golfcart. There are several of those along the lakeside drive. And we can fish from our back deck. And since the children will go to school here and there are not that many small children along the lakefront, the children’s friends won’t change. And, Pinkie, I will no longer be an honorary grannie. Those three will be mine, and then I can remain the honorary grannie to about everyone on this campus, since I trained them how to make cider.”
I smiled, “Can I make a big deal about your wedding? It will be the first for both of you. And like you said, you are Grannie Fannie to everyone on campus and a lot of them at CRAGS. And as for the trucks being careful, we can set up a pedestrian walk at the guardhouse.”
Grannie said, “For the wedding, I am thinking of a simple ceremony. And instead of a reception, I want a party designed around the children. We can cut a cake and do that goofiness, but I want four maids of honor: Noreen Moore, Chloe, Beatrice, and Stasya. Only Chloe is still a head cook, but I worked with those four the most as the head cook on each shift. Liam is the best man. There is nothing that says that a four-year-old grandson cannot be the best man. And then all the children that have called me Grannie Fannie in the nursery will be the bridesmaids and groomsmen. I know, an uncontrollable madhouse, but I would not want it any other way.”
I sighed, “Okay, I have a feeling there are more surprises from the Six P Group.”
Dr. James smiled, “Matthew Dykstra came by the other day to ask for Mercy’s hand in marriage. They want a wedding here next summer. Otherwise, the Kildare contingent is about normal.”
Julia said, “Sknarf and I have no announcements to make yet. We both got promotions and we got married over the past year. We really do not want any other changes at this point. And the two married Franks couples who are running our honeymoon destination in Vidalia, GA are listening in or recording the meeting. I think they both may be trying to have babies, but maybe they are delaying that until they have been married at least a year.”
Tamara smiled, “As for Bart and me, we still come here for vespers and to Stinkers Sunday school class. I think I am like the Franks, wanting to start a family, but wondering when is too soon. And if anyone is wondering, I have Hannah Bandana dye the tips of my hair white as a reminder that I have beaten cancer.” There were cheers from around the room.
Wilma said, “I tried to get Fred to speak for us, but he said that for me to stay quiet and for him to say anything, that might just shock people enough to cause a heart attack or two. We didn’t want that, but then again, we have nothing to add. Nothing has changed. Mitzi moved in with me to assist in our teamwork during storm chasing, but I think more time storm chasing helped more. But Mitzi and I have become best friends. You were right about finishing each others sentences. We haven’t done that…”
Mitzi interrupted, “since last week Thursday, at 2:15pm.”
I nodded, “I see. But how are the romances going?”
Mitzi smiled, “Great, but…”
Wilma interrupted, “they haven’t proposed.”
I snickered, “Check your six.”
Wilma and Mitzi both said, “What?”
I laughed, “Turn around.” Both of their boyfriends were on one knee each.
Fred asked, “Will you marry me?”
Mitzi asked, “Which one are you asking?”
Fred replied, “The other one.”
Wilma was excited, “Yes, I will marry you.”
Mitzi asked, “And Baldy, what are you doing on one knee?”
Baldy said, “What he said.”
Mitzi asked, “Do you want to marry Wilma too?”
Baldy shook his head, “No, Silly, I want to marry you?”
Mitzi huffed, “My name is not Silly, and you need to say it right.”
Baldy asked, “What? Will you marry me?” He was more asking if that was the right question rather than asking the question.
Mitzi nodded, “Okay, that’ll do. Yes!”
As the ladies tried on their rings, Mitzi asked, “Baldy, when you came here, you were broke. How could you afford such a beautiful ring?”
Baldy said, “When my Dad tried to teach me about plumbing, I said the job stunk and I quit, but I have been spending my free time unclogging sewer lines. It’s amazing what you can find in a sewer line.”
Mitzi took off the ring and dropped it on the table in disgust. “You found that ring in a clogged sewer pipe?! How disgusting!”
Baldy shook his head, “No, Fitzi, I found that I can make a lot of money on the weekends when toilets clog. They pay extra so they won’t be stuck with no place to go all weekend. Besides, my Dad has a friend that goes to Southeast Asia to buy jewelry.”
Tamara said, “Fitzi Mitzi, 91 on your FM dial. Fitzi Mitzi, F.M. I just made the connection!”
Bart groaned, “And how long have we known the Turtle-eers? Hey, I am not complaining. I have the best wife ever. She makes the best mixed drinks on those rare occasions. She is a caring, lovely woman. And I get my freshly made sodas at the soda fountain for half off. Don’t let Ms. Standish know.”
Tamara snickered, “You’re silly, and no, that is not your name.”
I turned to Marguerite Justice. “I’ll save Babs and Harold for last, but we have not heard the surprise that Margie and Blaise have in store.”
Margie held out her left hand. “When it came up in conversation in Stinker’s Sunday school class, someone said that Blaise would make my engagement ring using his 3D printer. Well, you cannot make those kinds of jokes around Blaise. So, here it is, the setting was designed by my boyfriend and her sister. It would be gorgeous if it were real.”
There were a few raspberries and other nasty things said about the cheap boyfriend.
I said, “Give the boy a break. He won’t be fifteen for another couple of days, and he and Margie are freshmen in college.”
GrandPa gave out a belly laugh. He had to take a couple of deep breaths on his oxygen concentrator. “I will give my great grandson an even bigger break. He gave his Marguerite a printed ring. He gave me a duplicate of it. I went to a friend of mine who repurposes old jewelry. …”
Gwen snickered, “Millie has not been in the jewelry theft business for decades, but he keeps in touch with his old fence.”
GrandPa huffed, “He does legitimate work these days. Please, Woman, I am bailing my great grandson out of a pickle. Will you pass this down to Blaise?”
A small box went from one person to the next until Blaise had it in his hand. “Marguerite, my precious sweetheart, my folks have still not decided when I can pop the question, but I told you when I gave you the printed ring that it was the design for what was to come. So, I might get in trouble for asking you to marry me, but will you read the inscription?”
Marguerite took the box and opened it, an exact duplicate of her plastic ring, but in gold, diamonds, and sparkling green stones. Margie gasped, “I thought the leaves were just leaves molded in the gold. What are they? They are all different colors.”
Blaise said, “One on either side of the diamond is a peridot, another is a green amethyst, and the last is an emerald. All a slightly different shade of green. But you haven’t read the inscription.”
Margie read, “Marguerite, my heart will Blaise for you forever.”
Wilma sighed, “It’s tough getting upstaged by two rich lovebirds.”
Gwen laughed, “Blaise makes good money in his little lab, when he sells something, but his GrandPa had a few jewels laying around, leftovers from his former wanton lifestyle.”
GrandPa chuckled, “I didn’t think that the nerd had a romantic bone in his body, but he has surprised me.”
I laughed, “Well, I for one have been surprised by everyone here. Are the newlywed Dykstras going to pile on?”
Babs scrunched her nose, “Dr. James stole our news. All I could add was that I was the only witness when Matthew proposed. But all these tears of joy have gotten me thirsty.”
As we went for the refreshments, Mitzi and Wilma said they were about like Matthew and Mercy. They were thinking about next summer. But as I leaned back in my chair, I was laughing.
Scrammie leaned over and whispered, “Your thoughts are worth far more than a penny. And if I offered Penny, Blake would get jealous.”
I looked at him with concern, “My Scrammie is cracking a joke?”
Scrammie shrugged, “My safe cracking days are far behind me. And you are wearing the fruits of those labors.”
I looked at my rings that Scrammie had designed, along with a bracelet and necklace to match. He had done like GrandPa. He took what he had to a fence. He had stolen jewelry that had been obtained by less than honorable means and the rightful owners were all deceased. Otherwise, I would have returned them. As for GrandPa’s jewels, they are mostly from drug cartel’s safes or part of some crown jewels of a country no longer in existence. Yes, GrandPa was in the safe to do something that the government wanted done, and no one would admit that they had those jewels in the first place.
But I had some changes to get used to. My Daddy not being down the hall is the tough one. He had been there ever since he was pardoned by the governor. As for Grannie Fannie, I think the children will want excuses to visit the Allott lake house. Otherwise, that might be business as usual. But the youngsters getting married was part of that circle of life thing. Those are good changes.
And I wondered about those tears in Heaven. God does not promise no tears. He promises to wipe away each tear. He promises no crying and no pain. But to be in His presence forever, those happy tears might flow like a river.
Credits
A Cripp’s Pink apple is the same thing as a Pink Lady apple. The difference is that the Pink Lady apple is certified to have the proper crispness and flavor. Thus, Pink Lady apples are more expensive in the grocery store. Genevieve was playing with that distinction. Her daughter had the same father, the other of the twin sisters as a mother. She was the same as Pink Lady without the certification.
I have written about my favorite beagle mix, Big Red. He had a light reddish brown coat except the typical beagle white on the belly and white sock feet, but he was larger than a standard beagle, thus Big Red. He would chase a rabbit, catch it, run to where granddaddy sat in his rocker on the front porch. Then he would drop the rabbit out of his mouth and wait for his instructions. Granddaddy would wait for the rabbit to hop back into the woods, out of sight, and then he’d tell Big Red, “Go get it!” and the chase would begin anew. And Big Red’s mother was named “Sugar.” And if you are keeping track in these stories, the Niblicks have a pedigreed beagle, named Beauty. My granddaddy’s original beagle was Beauty, Sugar’s grandmother, I think, or maybe great grandmother. And when we moved back to the farm, Big Red became my dog once again.
I introduced Angus MacDougall in a story about a young man who died of a drug overdose, falling into the “Pee Brook.” The Pee Brook was the effluent from the wastewater treatment plant for the entire Lily the Pink campus, including the apartment complexes, thus “Pee Brook.” Angus was playing his bagpipes at the time, practicing Scottish classical music, or a Piobaireachd, pronounced “Pea Brock.” A little play on words, which you should know is a thing I love to do. The water in the Pee Brook is probably cleaner than your drinking water, but no one would think about drinking it, thus, owning the land until it dumps into a reasonably sized lake keeps people from preventing the water going through their yard.
Grannie Fannie spoke about using a golf cart along the lakefront houses. I visited my wife’s family on Tiki Island south of Houston, just before the bridge to Galveston. The houses are all on stilts to protect from storm surge, and since there is a lot of pedestrian traffic on the island (fishing, boating, kayaking, etc.), the preferred traffic is to park at the house and then use a golf cart to get around on the island. Being lakefront property, there would be fishing and boating in season, so I thought the same arrangement would be best to cut down on vehicular traffic.
When my sister-in-law’s husband was stationed (Air Force) on Okinawa, she sent us a catalogue of jewelry from off the air base there. We had just married and had no money, but it was fantastic pieces for reasonable prices. When I went to Thailand, I met a couple who went to Thailand every year on vacation. They would buy jewelry and then sell it after they returned to the States. They made enough profit to pay for their entire vacation with profit above and beyond all their vacation expenses. And they sold the jewelry for less than retail prices. A profitable way to vacation.
Scrambled joked about the penny for Pink’s thoughts. Then he mentioned giving Pink Penny and Blake would be upset. A reference to Penny and Blake Williams, a young married couple who work at Lily the Pink, one of Pink’s reformation projects.
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