Thoughts from Mark "Hat" Rackley

I am Mashie Niblick.  I am presently employed as the greenskeeper of the Hoity Toity Golf Club in the big city of Tracy.  The government paid for my enrollment at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and then I became an agent in the espionage business.  I became a greenskeeper out of the need for a cover story, and I enjoyed the job and my latest name and the woman who knew me by no other name…  Okay, my entire life I dreamed of finding someone named Pauline and being the guy who came to the rescue, as in The Perils of Pauline.  It was my thing, and maybe a goofy thing.  I entitle these stories as my wife’s misadventures.  But in these misadventures, I usually arrive after she has solved the problem.

This misadventure was not much of a misadventure at all.  Jacob Levy asked us to invite “Blitz” Blixen over to cook a meal for some high-level staffers from the organization where I used to work fulltime and Pauline still works part time, only breaking codes and improving our encryption techniques.  Only two people got huffy, and their bodyguards made a show of protection, but it was feeble.

In mid-March we had four thugs from a criminal organization based in Russia visit our abode to kidnap Pauline.  They had been told that she had superpowers and she needed to be “analyzed.”  But a member of our team that raided a house in Lithuania being captured should have been a red flag to warn us.  Under torture, he told them about Pauline.  They believed him.  But the person that was captured did not know we lived in the big city of Tracy, so them knowing the exact home in the exact cul-de-sac came from someone else.  They also knew that the Levys and the Yeggs were connected by trails in the woods and that Elroy was in charge of security.  The only thing that was not betrayed was that we had three very highly trained dogs.  The story, Trouble in the Dog Run, is at this LINK.

Jacob Levy had gathered the people who could have betrayed us.  He invited them to the big city of Tracy.  He had spent over a month in DC.  Strangely, when Jacob left, Dinah chose to stay at home instead of visiting her old friends in DC.  She worked part-time at the Hoity Toity golf club with their trivia team competition.  It sounds ridiculous, but the rich Hoity Toity people of Tracy were very competitive.  They would compete about anything, and the gambling was very controlled regarding the trivia competition.  The number of teams was growing.  They created an upper and lower league, and they had two annual seasons with advancements of teams and relegations of teams.  Every trick to get them to focus on the competition.

But here in our giant kitchen, we had at least one who had betrayed us, maybe more.  And Pauline’s keen sense of who was hiding something was going to be put to the test to find her own enemy.  Maybe enemy is the wrong word.  Pauline was probably being used as a pawn in a bigger game, but now the pawn was on the offensive side.  But we all know what happens to the pawn when it reaches the other side of the board.  It gets transformed into the piece of your choosing, usually a queen.

But before I get started with that, Chef Blixen has been teaching classes at T.R.U.S.T. in the new kitchens where Zuzka held the contractor’s feet to the fire.  And the sous chef was none other than Thomas ver Waarloosd.  With the experience Thomas has gained from cooking for the Feeding the Homeless At Tracy (FHAT), he has become the professor’s star pupil.

We had some people working undercover as the helpers in the kitchen and the wait staff.  Since this might be traumatic for Baffy, bringing back bad memories, Callie Yeggs and Scarlett Ibis (Ibie) were there, since Ibie and Baffy tell everyone that they are twins.  Blue, Callie’s newborn son, was spending time with Jochebed.

But this meal was exceptional, in that all these dishes were Latvian:

Pelēkie Zirņi ar Speķi, Rasols, Aukstā Zupa, Karbonāde, Rupjmaize, and Rupjmaizes Kārtojums

In English that would be the national stew – grey beans with speck (or bacon in a pinch), potato salad, beetroot soup (bright pink color), pork schnitzel with mushroom sauce, rye bread, and for dessert a layered dessert with rye bread, whipped cream, and cranberry sauce.  If you cannot eat pork, you are in trouble.  But two of the mystery kitchen helpers are Irusya Jetson and Tuesday Wednesday.  They know how to make all the dishes.  Thomas is an experienced baker.  This was going to be authentic.  And for those who wanted something unusual, it was the right time for Birch Juice.  We had fresh and fermented varieties.

Our guests were from Jacob Levy’s organization in DC.  Terrance Sanderson is the assistant operations officer and temporarily doing the work of Hugh McAdoo in Jacob’s absence.  Martha Tottenham is the administrative assistant to Hugh McAdoo, when one is appointed.  Jeffrey Wilson is Elroy’s boss, in charge of internal security for assets in the USA.  Overseas, it would be part of Sanderson’s duties, an integral part of operations.  Dean Charles, the dog trainer, was there.  And Cash Monahan is the head of the financial department.  And two relatively faceless agents were there, Jacob had met them in DC.  We insisted that no weapons would be allowed in the Niblick home.  Of course, I had been a master at turning anything into a weapon.  The two bodyguards had probably had the same classes.

Pauline had interviewed each of them, taking time off from her day job at the university.  Naomi is not due until August.  She might not feel so willing to do double duty for a couple of days a couple of months from now.

The reason why the traitors did not know about the dogs is that Jacob approved it, since no one has taken his place.  He told only Cash Monahan, who set up the purchase with Dean Charles, who was a contractor like Pauline and me.  He had no need to tell anyone else.  Jacob had his ideas, and Pauline confirmed two employees that needed to be removed.  But before we had a big reveal, Pauline wanted to see how the group interactions went.

Note: Even though the beetroot soup was a bright pink, not everyone had all the soup, a taste and they were done.  So, not everyone ate everything that was offered.  The wait staff was busy bringing food out and exchanging plates.  For the wine course, we had a sommelier.

When we reached the main course, which everyone ate, Pauline asked, “Martha, what do you think of our kitchen?”

Martha snarled, “It is decadent.  The money could be spent so much better in other areas.  How is the feeding of the poor here in Tracy?”

Pauline laughed, “I expected that response.  Our entire family, with the exception of Andrew, who is about sixteen months old, helps with the FHAT (Feeding the Homeless At Tracy).  We feed them twice each month.  Our Sous Chef tonight is going to school to better equip himself in running the charity, but he also works as a baker in the hours before the sun comes up.  He and his wife have three children.  And he seems to always be working.  I have no idea when he sleeps.  But we also help at our church with the food bank.  Put those two activities together and we have gotten a lot of people back on their feet.  But as for the kitchen, the realtor tried to foist a cookie cutter home on us that had the living space that we thought we needed, and as usual, the size of everything else got bigger and the kitchen got smaller.  For someone who only uses the microwave or a single pot for soup, a tiny kitchen is almost adequate.  These days if you have more than two or three pans, there is no room for anything else.  Then the pantry to store food is small and inadequate.  Mashie and I both love to cook and, in this kitchen, with a huge pantry, we can both cook at the same time without bumping into one another.  Try that in 99 out of one hundred kitchens built today, and you will have a disaster with more than one person in the kitchen.  And both of us make good money.  The organization where you work pays us for our time, not a monthly salary.  But we only help the organization because we feel the civic duty in doing so.”

I added, “Besides, out of five times of having Chef Blixen here, this is the first time he was not filmed for a television presentation.  So, it has that utility also.  And the television people have never betrayed where this house is located or who owns it.  So, no security issues and no bragging rights either.”

Jacob smiled, “That is something in the organization that you learn early.  You do your job best when no one knows you were there.  And I love this kitchen because we are starting to get big family gatherings.  We’ve got the Yeggs here, but I don’t see the young ones.”

Naomi said, “Sophie has invited Emmett, his sisters and their boyfriends over.  And of course, Menzie, Samuel, Lauren and Sammie are there.  Out of those eight teenagers, maybe one of them is keeping an eye on Lauren, Sammie, and Gigi.  Emmett was thinking of having a Southern Gospel sing along.  And then the big kids are at Lily the Pink.  Margie and Blaise are in the lab, and Easy and Jemima are having fun with the Joneses.  But the really big crowd is when Pink comes over.”

Dinah said, “And then when Amy does her campaigning to keep the presidency of the Hoity Toity, we have a completely different group here.  We have a lot of blended families.  We can’t have all our parties in the Crystal Mountain.”

Martha asked, “What is the Crystal Mountain?”

Elroy said, “From shipping and receiving, it is a ten-story tall greenhouse, shaped with a mountain peak.  The support structure looks like banyan trees and jungle, but the trees are really water tanks.  And the gardening is mostly hydroponic with pipes and sluices going everywhere to get optimal sunlight for everything.  Naomi mentioned Emmett; his parents schedule all the planting and harvesting throughout the year.  For as little acreage as the greenhouse covers, they feed a lot of people with excess going to the mission downtown.”

Naomi added, “Elroy, the Daltons schedule the planting, but Zuzka designed the entire thing, even the added floors when Dr. Kildare figured out how to control the weather patterns inside the greenhouse.  There is a lot more moisture than you usually have in a greenhouse.”

Martha shook her head, “I am sorry that I asked.  More decadence, but at least they are using all the food they produce.”

Jacob said, “But that’s not all.  Up near the top, where it stays hot year round, they have African exotic plants growing, and they are already in clinical trials using ingredients from those plants to make new medications.  They are trying to do the most they can with the land they have available.”

Terrance Sanderson spoke up, “I think the meal was authentic, but the rye bread was a little off.”

Chef Blixen commanded, “Sous Chef Thomas, explain.  You are the baker.”

Thomas wiped his apron and came from the kitchen where he had been preparing the dessert.  He came to the center of the table and bowed.  “Rupjmaize is a denser rye bread than American rye bread.  It has more of a sweet-sour sourdough taste.  The caraway only complements the sourdough flavor.  American rye bread is lighter, even a little fluffy and the caraway dominates the spice pallet.  I was instructed to make authentic rupjmaize, the same way that I bake it for four restaurants in the Latvian community here in Tracy.  I was instructed that most of you have been to Latvia. I wanted it to be authentic.”

Terrance half sneered, but he laughed. “Yeah, I seemed to remember that the rye bread was off in Latvia too.  But we did not come here to get a tour of Tracy, we came here to get the final details in your investigation on the horrible attack that occurred here back in mid-March.  Jacob, are you satisfied that this was just a series of honest mistakes?”

Baffy crawled into my lap and asked, a little too loudly, “Daddy, have they decided who hurt Beauty?”

Martha asked, “What did that little imp just say?”

Pauline laughed, “I am sure you know what she said, Martha.  She is not an imp.  She is Mashie’s and my daughter, Baffing Spoon Niblick, Baffy for short.  She may call herself the twin sister of Scarlett Ibis Yeggs, but they are simply very good friends that were born three months apart, okay two and a half months.  Beauty is our beagle.  She still refuses to stay in her dog run since the Russian gang cornered the dog and Baffy in the dog run.  Beauty feels trapped inside the dog run.  But she is finally going inside the run to eat her meals and then she immediately leaves.  The vet hopes to have her back in the dog run soon.  We’d like to go on vacation.  We have so little time for such things.  But Baffy was taught in her therapy that the best …  No, Baffy needs to say it.”

Baffy said, “The best way to get rid of the hurt you have inside you is to forgive the person that hurt you.  That’s why I asked who it was.”

Martha said, “I think you won’t find that person here, among us who are visiting from DC.”

Pauline smiled, “But Martha, I am disappointed in you.  We already know that two of you were involved and those two got a third to break training protocol.  Otherwise, we would have had other agents mobilized due to the threat level.  Right Elroy?”

Elroy nodded, “The attack occurred in the Niblick’s back yard, but they knocked out WiFi.  The WiFi came back up quickly, and I focused on getting communication back on.  The dogs can talk.  Not Rhoda, but the other two.  Rhoda gets jittery.  So, if I got that back going, we’d have various eyes on what was happening before we responded. But the attackers attacked in depth, focused on the dog run where Baffy and Beauty were trapped.  But there was knowledge months before they arrived that odd stories had been circulated and we had heard nothing about that threat.  The folks in DC should have stopped the threat from even reaching American soil.  The information that they had should never have contained the names of the operatives that were involved in the rescue last summer, much less their street address and the addresses of other people who might come to the rescue.  The only things that the thugs were not aware of were the dogs.”

Terrance said, “And I want to know who authorized that expenditure for those dogs.  They will not be working for the organization tomorrow.  We cannot have that kind of expenditure that is not authorized.”

Jacob laughed, “I came up with the idea, and I authorized it since you have not ever replaced me with anyone.  And I worked with a military counterpart.  They are giving us the dogs, and we will give them some of the puppies.  Since we have found moles in the organization, I could not trust anyone.  I had to get Cash Monahan to approve the expense.  I have learned that he keeps secrets very well.  He contracted the acquisition of three dogs from Dean Charles.  Dean trained three dogs.  Caulk is a Caucasian Sheep Dog, German Shepherd mix.  Perry is a Great Pyrenees, German Shepherd mix, and Rhoda is a full-blooded Rhodesian Ridgeback.  And if it were not for Elroy’s efforts at modifying protocol, the kidnapping might have been successful even with the dogs.”

Elroy shrugged, “I thought that three dogs eating one man’s arm or leg off would not be effective if there were backups to the thugs, and this team was three persons deep.  That’s why Jacob liked my change in the dog’s protocol.  Why have three dogs chewing on one assailant when there might be more assailants that do not show up all at once?  So, Caulk responds to the alarm.  Perry lags behind to assess alternate threats.  He can either go into family protection mode, or he can attack the secondary threat.  If Caulk is talking to the threat, Perry gets into the conversation unless the assailants are splitting up.  That has been our biggest success, no one can believe they can talk so they get confused.”

Terrance snarled, “I don’t believe they can talk.”

Dean Charles said, “They never talked around me.  I would like a demonstration.”

As if on cue, Irusya walked in with Caulk.  Irusya said, “I have on leash.  Caulk knows not to attack.  Caulk say something.”

Caulk said, “Like tell them what Dr. Mel told you yesterday?  That would be great news to tell.”

Irusya said, “No, Caulk, not that.”

Martha said, “The dog isn’t talking.  That is the waitress throwing her voice.  They both have an eastern European accent.”

Irusya said, “No, talk like the leader of the thugs.”  Caulk said something in a male voice in Russian.  Irusya laughed, “Do you know what she said?”

I replied, “She said that she was about to be their worst nightmare.  And I think she’s right, but something seems off.”

Irusya said, “Caulk, make your announcement.”

Caulk said, “I’m glad Perry did not come in.  He would have led off with the newsy news.  But in about five or six weeks, we will have puppies.  I see you all have not finished your food.  Give me a break.  I am now eating for eight to ten dogs.  I am constantly hungry.  Is there any way that Perry can get pregnant next time?  Now, Irusya, are you going to tell them, or should I?”  Note: Perry is the male Great Pyrenees, German Shepherd mix.  He’s the father of Caulk’s litter of puppies.  And part of their AI-generated banter is the Caulk was the competent, but hungry, leader and Perry failed to follow protocol half the time.

Irusya sighed, “I cannot trust you to keep your mouth shut.  Caulk is expecting, but I am too.  Dr. Mel had me use a stick, like they sell for self-checking.  She ran a blood test, and she called today to say blood test also confirms that we will have another Jetson.”

Martha said, “So your kitchen help were really friends?”

I said, “Irusya and the other lady are Latvian.  We wanted the meal to be authentic.”  I did not wish to divulge anything more, not yet.  Besides, two of the waitresses had disappeared in the shadows behind the two bodyguards.  No one pays attention to the wait staff until they aren’t around when you want the check or something is wrong with the order.

Pauline said, “So, the first thug tried to kidnap Baffy to use her to get to me.  He got stuck in the dog run opening.  Baffy screamed and kicked.  In time, Beauty started biting him.  The leader of the thugs came out from the shadows about the time that I came out to rescue Baffy.  Caulk could not reach his arms, and she buried her teeth into the first thug’s leg.  The surgeons at the medical center saved the leg.  The leader of the thugs fired his weapon toward me, but since Perry was standing back, he saw the threat and redirected the aim point of the weapon.  Perry got him on the ground and the thug leader shot his own teammate instead of me.  In the meantime, Rhoda refuses to work as a teammate.  She has been trained to roam between the two yards where there is no alarm.  Rhoda saw the third thug raise a weapon to shoot Lt. Yeggs who was coming to the rescue.  The third thug came from the underbrush and aimed his weapon at Dev just to have Rhoda knock the weapon out of his hand.  Elroy and Dev recovered the weapon and cuffed the thug.”

Terrance laughed, “This sounds like the old Mashie at work, always absent when the shooting starts.”

I smiled, “That was unkind, Sir.  When I got Elroy’s notice that the WiFi was out, I noticed a vehicle in the cul-de-sac with antenna’s duct taped to the roof.  I approached the guy in the car, and he reached for a weapon.  I swung a trusty seven-iron, for your information, a mashie niblick.  I kept swinging until he went night-night.  They have wired his jaw back together.  He will need one side of his mouth to have false teeth of some kind.  Otherwise, he likes American milkshakes.  I smashed all the WiFi jamming equipment and then tied up the driver, and then I was coming around the house to help when some police officers drove up.  Sorry to disappoint you, Terrance, but I had my hands full.”

Pauline smiled, “See, other than Mashie disabling the WiFi jamming equipment, most of the apprehension was done by the dogs.  Me surviving a gunshot from close range was thanks to Perry, but I am lucky to be alive.  If I had died, would that have thwarted your plan, Martha?”

Martha twisted a little, “I did not plan anything.  I was not involved at all.  If you continue to pursue this, there are witnesses.  I will sue you for slander.”

“But I have evidence.” I smiled, “Elroy, can you call for the sommelier?”

Elroy went to the far side of the kitchen and the sommelier returned with him.

The sommelier asked, “The dessert is ready to be served, but do you care for any wine before dessert?”

I laughed, “Please, I need for you to explain what you found on the internet.  You might want to start with your name.”

The sommelier said, “I am Detective First Class Poached Yeggs of the Tracy Police Department.  I am the lead for vice.  I also work homicide.  Before Elroy came to Lily the Pink to work as cyber security specialist, I had done what I could for Mom.  Umm.  Pink Lady Apple Yeggs.  And with my work for the police department, I am handy at finding files that have been deleted.  Elroy gave me access to a series of email servers.  Martha had deleted all her emails associated with the plan to abduct Pauline, but in looking at the shadow server backups that are kept for a couple of months, I found fragments that I pieced together.  The verbiage showed she was the person behind setting up the abduction.  She communicated with Terrance about Pauline being a superhero, but I could never find where that string started.  Since everything comes through Martha, she probably let Terrance know.  Whoever decided that Pauline was expendable is lost due to the files being deleted.  Terrance was the one who contacted Jeffrey Wilson to inform him to keep it confidential, but Terrance said he had a team of people from outside the organization who were going to test the security system.”

Jeffrey spoke up, “I thought it was legitimate.  I was told to not hint at a warning.  I thought it was legit, but in the end, it was a fake.”

Poached nodded, “That is the gist of the conversation that ensued, but according to Elroy, it breaks all protocol.  Since Elroy was not aware that it was a test, he could have used deadly force to defend Pauline.  Sure, being warned ahead of time is not as good of a test, but this could have been deadly in both directions.  A weapon was discharged toward Pauline, but the assailant missed.  As it is, they have two of the four thugs still in the Medical Center.  The other two have disappeared into the detention of illegal aliens committing crimes on American soil.  I have no idea where or when trial will be held.  Other than the details, that summarizes my findings.”

Jacob added, “I never liked Martha for that position.  Terrance put her in that role when Dewey was forced into retirement.  Her political leanings were too radical.  She even complained about this kitchen being decadent, along with the Crystal Mountain.  Less inflammatory words could be used.  I thought she was capable of editing reports to make them appear different than they were to bolster her political view, but not this.”

Martha looked at Terrance and he stood up. “You have flimsy evidence at best.  No one here has jurisdiction.  Martha and I are leaving.”

The bodyguards arose holding steak knives.  From behind them, Polly Handel commanded in a clear voice, “You two bodyguards have to ask the question, ‘Are we loyal to a boss who perpetrated criminal activities, or are we loyal to the organization we work for and the person who is still Hugh McAdoo?  You may have had your weapons taken away, but the wait staff are armed.’”  Francine came from the kitchen side of the room along with Dieter Koch, who had been washing dishes.  The bodyguards saw their service weapons and assumed Polly and the other waitress behind them were also armed.  The other waitress behind them was Ruthie Toody.  The bodyguards dropped their knives and held their hands out to the side.  Ruthie put cuffs on each of them.

Dev turned to Terrance and Martha.  “They may not have jurisdiction, but the crime was committed in the big city of Tracy.  We have attempted kidnapping and possibly racketeering.”

Terrance said, “No one was hurt.  It was a test of security.”

I grumbled, “My wife was supposed to be kidnapped, and she would probably have been killed when they found out she had no superpowers.  We have four dogs in therapy in addition to four humans in therapy.  And our penal system has to make sense of what the four Russians were here to do.  I think the trials will involve CIPA (Classified Information Procedures Act).”

Jacob said, “Or for these two, we can have them retire and have their security clearances pulled and their records flagged.  No letters of recommendation, no acknowledgement that you ever worked there.  As for Jeffrey, a reprimand for not following procedure, and a short leash.”

Terrance said, “But who would run things since there is no Hugh McAdoo.”

Jacob said, “And who says there isn’t?”

Martha snarled, “Are you coming back?”

Jacob laughed, “I was not investigating the entire time that I was in DC.  I spent time with the Secretary of Defense.  Meet the new Hugh McAdoo.”

Everyone looked at the door between the kitchen and the den.  Instead, Cash Monahan arose.

Terrance said, “He’s a numbers guy!  We need someone from operations.”

Jacob said, “You forget I came from the financial department.  He has good managers beneath him now that you are gone.  He can learn on the job.  The important thing is that he makes good decisions and he can be trusted.

Cash smiled, “And my wife’s name is already Sue.  We will miss you, Jacob.”

Jacob shook his hand.  “I am still only a phone call away until you get your feet on the ground.”

One of the bodyguards asked, “Since we have a new boss, can we get these cuffs off?  We were protecting Terrance, thinking he was the next big boss.”  The other one nodded.

They put the cuffs on Martha and Terrance and sent them away.  They would have the cuffs removed after they got home, but their clearances and means of contact would be removed before the plane took off.  And the plane would come back to Tracy.  Pauline and I would still interview spies coming in from the cold.  And the plane could be dispatched to any location easily since we were in the middle of the country.

Jeffrey apologized to Elroy and swore he would check out any unscheduled test in the future.

The next day, the new Sue McAdoo arrived after the two guilty executives had been flown home.  Jeffrey, the new Hugh, and the new Sue got a tour of Tracy that included the Crystal Mountain and the Hoity Toity Golf Club.  They spent time at the mystery hangar where the mysterious black jet is housed before flying to Hugh and Sue’s new neighborhood outside DC.  The change in residence is necessary to make it look like Hugh and Sue McAdoo had just moved into town.  They could not live in the old neighborhood where people knew their former names.

Ibie and Baffy got double desserts since a couple of our guests were in cuffs.  And since Baffy said that forgiving the guilty had not made her feel better, we reassured her that it would help once she was over this traumatic reminder.  With that, Callie packed a bag for Baffy, and the two “twins” went back the Poached and Callie’s warehouse home for a sleepover.

In looking at motives, Terrance was jealous that Jacob had been the previous Hugh McAdoo since Jacob had come from finance.  He also did not like me for some reason.  I think he does not have a sense of humor.  Cash becoming the next Hugh McAdoo made it a double slap in the face.  Cash had no operations experience.  As for Martha, she had drunk the Kool-Aid as the saying goes.  She had fallen prey to the far-left propaganda.  She disagreed with just about everything that the organization did.  She was offered money for the kidnapping, but only payable upon delivery.  But she admitted that she would have done it without the money.  There were rumors that the two had an affair, but when they went home, they never talked to each other.  Terrance would have a good pension, Martha, not so much.

As for Beauty, we did not bring her into the garage that night.  It was supposed to be fairly warm.  She hunted rabbits along the creek.  And when the sun went down, we heard her running around in the backyard.  The next morning, we went out to check on her, and she was in the dog run.  It had gotten a little cool before sunrise, and she went to her heated bed in the dog run to sleep.  We called the veterinarian to let him know of the progress.

When all had settled down and all our guests were back in DC, Pauline and I were curled up on the loveseat.  I said, “Babe, you are not expendable.  And now you are the pawn that reached the far side of the board.  You are my queen.”

Pauline giggled, “Thank you.  I would have preferred you saying that I was very spendable and then hand me a wad of cash to spend, but I will take what you said as a compliment.”

We began to kiss, and we both lost track of time.

Credits

The Perils of Pauline was a movie serial that started in 1914. It defined many serials that followed, including the Perils of Pauline “moment,” the cliffhanger that caused you to return to the theater for the next installment.