I am Mashie Niblick. I am presently employed as the greenskeeper of the Hoity Toity Golf Club in the big city of Tracy. The government paid for my enrollment at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and then I became an agent in the espionage business. I became a greenskeeper out of the need for a cover story, and I enjoyed the job and my latest name and the woman who knew me by no other name… Okay, my entire life I dreamed of finding someone named Pauline and being the guy who came to the rescue, as in The Perils of Pauline. It was my thing, and maybe a goofy thing. I entitle these stories as my wife’s misadventures. But in these misadventures, I usually arrive after she has solved the problem.
A week ago, my friend, Poached Yeggs, concluded his involvement with the Edna Way Child Endangerment Caper, the crime happening on our street. Bones Rattler took over to identify and interview as many of the other participants as they could identify. All they had were photos on a number of phones. They would not be pressing charges, but they would offer therapy.
And that is where Pauline came into the picture. The three families to the left of our house on Edna Way in the big city of Tracy had been involved in this caper in one way or another. And two of the families in the houses to the right of our house were involved. Three houses are around the cul-de-sac, ours, the Jamison family, and the Johns family. The Jamison family have children about the age of Baffy and Andrew, but the Johns family have teenagers. The other six houses face each other.
Pauline was volunteering free therapy for the victims of child enticement and statutory rape. But we checked in on those people whose properties bordered our home or the Levys. Actually, Elroy reported the criminal case to the new Hugh McAdoo, and Hugh insisted that we make some type of gesture to see if we could get information about what happened and what the outcome was. All for national security due to Jacob and Dinah Levy knowing more than some standing presidents. We did not want to see them captured and tortured because there was an underaged naughty party going just a few houses away. Actually, the guilty parties kept it quiet. Pauline and I did not know until the raid got everyone’s attention. But Elroy explained how naughty behavior was an easy way to turn someone into an enemy operative – tell government secrets or have your secrets exposed. So, Hugh had a point.
As for the people on the corner, the Finks, Felix and Phillida, they put up a big stink about community service since Phillida is pregnant, but the community service due to their involvement was to help First Lady Cassie Yeggs with her activities, and that help will be delayed due to the pregnancy. Besides, Cassie, who did fine with one part-time secretary, now had two women and two seniors in high school a few hours each week for more than a year. There would be people tripping over each other if Cassie had six people. But as far as the Finks involvement, they admitted that they went for the thrill, thinking that Phillida could not get pregnant. It added a kinky element to their relationship, but having been roofied, they only realized who they had been with that night a few days later when fuzzy memories creeped in. Once they found out that Phillida was pregnant, that ended the adventure. And if they had known ahead of time, they would not have agreed to anything dealing with minors, but then again, they knew when the memories returned, but they kept going.
Mary Silverman, the quite contrary gardener, wants to marry Joshua Goldberg, who is the same age as her son, Eli. They have already thought of an additional income stream. They will start a vlog, a video blog, featuring everything that they are doing in the garden, the front lawn, and winterizing. They do not think the age difference is a problem, but we and others have advised them to at least wait until after Joshua goes to college. That big of a difference in age can be troubling. GrandPa and Gwen, Thou and Maeve are similar examples, but in those cases, the man is the older one and the younger one is not in their teens. Our friends, Babs and Harold, are another couple with a gap, just less of one, and still, the male is older. If Mary goes through menopause soon, she could lose all interest in a physical romance and Joshua is left staring at the wall. Eli has already told Josh that if they get married, he will not be Josh’s son. But their business idea might work. If pitched to the networks that do home improvement shows, they might make good money doing their gardening.
Thinking of Eli Silverman, he is the odd person out, but not by much. Gabriel Goldberg has convinced his wife, Lior, to join the Hoity Toity club and the trivia team he is on. She knows the TV and movie stuff that Gabriel has no clue about. Eli will still be the pool boy, but just a pool boy. When Lior Goldberg had her golf widow pool parties, there was an occasional teen who Eli had a chance to get to know, in the biblical sense. Eli has been counseled on not going too far until marriage. We’ll see how that goes. Pauline has him coming by once a month for a sanity check.
The Danvilles are a different story. The Brazilian maid is truly a good maid. She has cleaned the house, once the crime scene people were satisfied that they had all the samples that they needed. Besides the unidentified photos of people who had been in the Danville home, they found “DNA evidence” everywhere in the house. While they had unidentified photos, they also had unidentified DNA samples, actually more of that than the photos. Poached tells me that he is so happy that he turned it over to Bones Rattler for the rest of the investigation. The DA is already moving forward with the knowledge that other litigation might follow. Like the Chicago Seven, the Tracy Seven was a splash in the newspaper. But since Darla and her daughter Desiree were out on bail awaiting trial for setting up a naughty party 3-4 days each week, the court system would take care of any psychological therapy.
That left the Johns family. Billy Johns was nearing his sixteenth birthday. He barely missed becoming a perpetrator. He has been tested as the biological father of the Finks baby. The Finks do not want that knowledge to get to the child. They have been counseled to be honest with the child. A desire to have a DNA test later in life would be hard to explain. As for Billy, he has three years of high school left and college. He might not mind being introduced as an uncle for a while, but he was okay that he might have no visitation privileges. But then, Pauline had just started the therapy.
But Billy’s sister, Cecilia (Silly Johns) was another story. She had curiously followed Billy to Desiree’s house. Desiree had approached her and started doing bad things to her. She knew to run and tell an adult if an adult did that, but she let Desiree do it. And she liked it. But when she watched Desiree and her brother getting physical, she wanted to do that with Bobby Rubenski. He lived around the corner on Tess Boulevard.
I (Mashie) brought the children home from Lily the Pink. Billy Johns had already left and as we walked in, Silvia and Cecilia were in chairs at the kitchen table, across from Pauline. Baffy and Andrew both ran to their mother, who is usually the one picking them up. They gave her hugs and kisses.
Pauline enjoyed the hugs and kisses, but only for a moment. “You two run and play. Mommy is at work right now.”
Andrew didn’t blink; he went to his room to play with his toys.
Baffy came back to me, “Mommy only works at the office. Did she get fired?”
I saw Pauline put her head to her brow and shook her head. She must have heard the question.
I said, “No, Baffy, our neighbors need the help of someone like your mommy. Since they are our neighbors, she is helping them here in the house. We haven’t set up an office for Mommy, but maybe we should. Why don’t you go outside and play with Beauty, but after you change clothes. Wear your knock arounds. And be careful. Beauty is expecting puppies any day now.”
I went to the den. The rest of this is what Pauline told me later, but I was there for parts of it.
Cecilia said, “I don’t know why I am here. I did nothing wrong. I am a victim.”
Pauline smiled, “We will discuss that. I am not a court appointed counselor. I approached the court and stated my case. I have a doctorate in both Psychology and Kinesiological Psychology. I can do what a Psychologist is trained to do or I can help you understand what happened and help you deal with it. I am a Christian. I will talk about how Jesus can help in this situation. If you are uncomfortable with that or you prefer a court-ordered psychiatrist, then you can stop at any time. You are neighbors. I will not charge you for my time. If you go to a practicing psychiatrist, they will charge you roughly $150 for a twenty-minute session. They will ask a question, as long as you keep talking, they will give you verbal recognition that they hear what you are saying. At some point they will assign a label to what they think they are hearing, and that is then communicated to the insurance company, and the insurance may pay a portion of their fee. With me, there is no fee, but while a psychiatrist will not guarantee any results, I will tell you that I will do everything I can do to obtain positive results. Can we proceed?”
Silvia asked, “Why are you doing this if not to get paid? What is in it for you?”
Pauline smiled and took in a deep breath, “I take my oath to help others seriously. I was the daughter of a rebellious preacher’s kid. As an infant, my mother died of an overdose. My grandparents took me in. They had gone to the gutter where my mother died, looking for me. My grandfather recently retired a few years ago from First-Third downtown, but we were living elsewhere when I reached my teen years. I ran away. I was wanting to do something naughty. The pressure of always being on display as a preacher’s kid is oppressive. But my grandmother Mary had a friend of hers, Millennium Yeggs, who kidnapped me before I had a chance to do anything bad. I ended up calling him GrandPa. He really is Lt. Yeggs grandfather, the detective on the Chester Way cul-de-sac. GrandPa taught me safe cracking, lock picking, escape techniques, and all kinds of naughty things. Then, he would drop me off, back at my grandparents’ home on Sunday afternoon. But he read the Bible to me. He had me read the Bible to him. I might not be alive if I followed in my mother’s footsteps. She died in rebellion and I was about to do the same thing.”
Pauline took in a deep breath. “I want to give back. Pay it forward. GrandPa never got paid a penny for keeping me out of trouble.”
Silvia shook her head, “If you can do all that, how did you end up with two PhD degrees?”
Cecilia said, “I’m with Mom. Prove it.”
Silvia said, “Silly, please, that is not very nice.”
Pauline raised her voice, “Mashie, darling, demonstration time.”
I came in with Andrew. I put him in his highchair. I pulled a safe from a kitchen cabinet, along with handcuffs and leg shackles. We have them when Pauline gives her testimony so that they know she is not lying. Odd how someone who claims to have once been a crackhead never has to prove it.
The Johns moved to the dining room table so they could see above and below the kitchen table. Cecilia Johns applied the handcuffs, cuffing Pauline behind her back. Pauline complained that they were too tight. Silly Johns giggled and said she wanted to make sure Pauline couldn’t just slide them off. From their vantage point, they saw that the safe was securely locked and Silvia had been given the key.
I grabbed the shackles and got down on my hands and knees.
As soon as my head was below her waste, Pauline was already out of the cuffs. She turned the dial on the safe. She growled because I had changed the combination. I had to or the people watching would get suspicious. The safe door came open. Pauline reached in and played with Andrew. He giggled.
I fussed, “I would be done by now if you didn’t move your feet.”
Pauline groaned, “If I was a bad guy, I would do whatever I could so you would have more trouble. You are out of practice, Sweetie.”
I got up and sat down at the other end of the table. Pauline handed me the cuffs. I checked the safe and it was empty. I asked, “Where did you put the money?”
Pauline said, “Your back pocket.” She was busy getting out of the shackles.
I reached for my wallet. Instead, I found a large bankroll of paper money, the bills from a board game. “Where is my wallet?”
Pauline while handing me the shackles, “I have no idea, ask Andrew.”
Andrew produced the wallet, “Daddy, is this a waw-it?”
Silvia and Cecilia laughed and applauded.
Silvia said, “Not sure if you are a master safe cracker or simply a good entertainer, but with all your obvious skills, what sent you into psychiatry?”
Pauline smiled, “Psychology. Psychiatry is the medical side. They can prescribe drugs. I have the doctorate in the psychology side. I can listen to you complain all day long, but I would rather help than just listen. And as I told you on the phone, I’m bringing another family in. Irusya just texted to let me know that they are waiting.”
Cecilia asked, “Is Irusya your secretary?”
Pauline laughed, “No, she handles the security dogs. If you are going to be coming here on a regular basis, the dogs will have to have you imprinted.”
Silvia asked, “Fingerprinted?”
Pauline laughed, “No, our security dogs are huge and lovable teddy bears if you are family. I have only seen them once with enemies. A couple of the bad guys were hospitalized. But there is a family making process. Once they have been told that you are family, then the dogs will give you a sniff. Once they agree you are okay, then you are imprinted in their memory as family, just not close family.”
Silvia asked, “Where does Irusya live?”
Pauline winked, “Between here and the Yeggs house on Chester Way.”
Silvia sneered, “There is no house between here and Chester Way.”
Pauline smiled and nodded, “Exactly.”
Silvia said, “I just have no idea how you can get away with having vicious dogs in a residential neighborhood. It’s like you are super spies or something.”
Pauline asked over her shoulder, “Mashie, Darling, Silvia thinks we might be super spies.”
I replied, “Don’t get the big head, Pauline. You are only an analyst with the necessary training to be an agent. The spy masters live near here. And if Silvia repeats that to anyone, we’ll tell Caulk and Perry where their next meal is.”
Cecilia asked, “Who are Caulk and Perry?”
Pauline smiled, “Very large dogs, Cecilia. But we have an underground fence. If you stay outside the fence, they’ll make noise until the humans show up.”
Bobby Rubenski and his father Bruno came in.
Irusya stuck her head in the door. “Your next guests are here, Pauline. I sent them to the back porch. The dogs already know them.”
Bruno growled, “I agreed to this, but it is only a formality. I am looking to move to a place out where the pro ball players are.”
Pauline snickered, “The rich-adjacent as Carla Munsford calls it.”
Bruno asked, “Who is she?”
Pauline said, “She is a friend. We are in the same club at Lily the Pink. Carla is from the rich-adjacent community. Carla is a sophomore at T.R.U.S.T. She played softball last year. She was on two state championship teams at Flintheart, playing first base. I was thinking about having her here tonight. She married Brenton Munsford. She is pregnant, due near Christmas. And she was using an IUD. Maybe one out of one thousand, but she and the unborn child are doing fine. The idea of having sex and thinking you cannot get pregnant is not as safe of an idea as you think.”
Bruno said, “We talked to Chauncey Munsford, and he said to get Bobby into therapy. Both of these two are considered victims, but Silly over there is the one who lured Bobby into this.”
Pauline raised a hand. “I sent you each the rules and no one is to attack the other family, parent, or child. That means harsh words. I know the sequence of events.”
Lauren burst into the room. “Aunt Pauline, come quick! Beauty had her babies! There are four of them.”
I asked, “Are they all really tiny? Short hair. Black, tan, and white?”
Lauren nodded her head.
I said, “We sent her to a breeder who guaranteed she would have pure beagle puppies. But some female dogs, to avoid the naughty word, will be a female dog and back up to a fence and let another dog do things. It does not sound like Perry had anything to do with the litter. I’ll go check.”
Pauline told Lauren, “When I want you to come in, I will text your Granda.”
Silly asked, “Why did you say Granda? Shouldn’t it be Granddad?”
Pauline said, “Not if you are Scottish. But we will meet them in a little while. I want Bobby and Silly to face each other across the table.”
With the two teen lovebirds across the table from each other, Pauline got them to talk about their likes and dislikes, about what they were learning in school. Pauline got them to talk bad about their teachers at Moon Maid Middle School. They had not attended Flintheart as freshmen yet. Their schooling was being done remotely until they had satisfactorily progressed in their therapy.
And then, Pauline crossed a line. “Now, pretend that you and your friend across the table are the only ones here. What do you want to do right now?”
Silly spoke first, “I want to rip his clothes off and have wild passionate love right here on the dining room table.”
Bobby said, “She took the words right out of my mouth.”
Silvia asked, “What was the purpose of that?”
Pauline smiled, “I am establishing a base. I want to know how far they have deteriorated. They have no moral ground to stand upon. They see sex as a fun pastime with no consequences. What I need to do with each of them is to establish some kind of foundation. I will not press the issue of accepting Jesus, but the moral ground will be largely biblical.”
Bruno said, “We attend church, but Bobby has been combative. It was easier to let him stay home. We didn’t know he was going to the Danvilles after we left for church. He was always back before we got home. The evenings out playing with his friends, he always came home when we called him on his cellphone. We had no clue.”
Silvia said, “We attend church on Christmas and Easter. Maybe we should go more often. I don’t mind you talking about God. As long as you can reprogram her to be the nice little girl she was before this started.”
Pauline said, “There are too many scars for that. But understanding something that is normal versus the abnormal that she experienced will be a big help. But I am texting my friends.”
I came in first and gave a thumbs up. The four beagles were beagles. There was no backing up to the fence.
The MacDougalls came in and I gave introductions. Angus and Missy sat down at the next table section. They had little Ailsa with them. Menzie sat across from her mother with Lauren and Sammie. And Samuel Farquharson sat with Sammie in his lap. I ushered Baffy and Andrew to the other part of the house, luring them with an ice cream treat before bedtime. Yeah, the bad parent, but we had guests on the edge of sanity in our dining room, kitchen.
Missy explained that she was a teenager when she gave birth to Menzie, forced to do it by her mother. The guests said they had heard about the Ruth Collins trial, but they paid little attention to the details. Missy talked about being a runaway at that point and eventually being captured by Baldwin Apple. Menzie talked about being even younger than Silly when she slept with the MacLaren boy and had Lauren as a result. And then she had Sammie.
Pauline asked Sammie who his Mommy was and he got carried away. He pointed to Menzie, Samuel, Missy, and Angus. And when Samuel asked about Sammie’s other grandparents, he had no problem mentioning Judge Farquharson and his wife Elspeth. But when Lauren was asked, she did not know her father, nor her grandparents from that side of the family. But she knew that Samuel was a great Daddy, and his parents loved her too.
Then Menzie and Samuel talked about how their initial encounter was characterized by getting naked and doing naughty things until a baby was produced. It was strange meeting a year or so later after the arrests were made and Menzie and the children were rescued. There is no question about what they look like without clothing on. They know more about each other in that way than do many newlyweds. So, they had to learn how to go on a date the first time they ever went on one, after they got a babysitter for their child.
Bruno said, “Thank Heaven there is no child in this case.”
Menzie said, “But Sir, when you are underaged and you have never been on a date, never courted, never romanced, and all you know is the physical act, you may try on the first date to pretend all that never happened, but it did happen. It felt like we were doing things backwards. It did not feel right to do the right thing and just enjoy each other’s company. But we had those impulses. We double-dated, had chaperons, had a group of friends go together. We did all that to try to get used to us being together without anything physical happening, even before we did a lot of hugging and kissing. We know the boundaries now. It is possible to reprogram yourself, but you have to want to do it. For me, I did not want to make babies, that was grandmama’s idea.”
Pauline nodded, “Thank you, Menzie. And if you have not recognized her, Menzie plays second base at Flintheart, and she is the singer at the Snazzy Taz when they have a singer.”
Menzie laughed, “They have had guest singers, usually an older woman who has recorded a lot of music, but strictly jazz singers.”
Pauline laughed, “Please, find another way of saying older woman. ”
Menzie asked if she could add something. “When you start off with getting naked, you miss that time when you first meet and your eyes are yearning for the person’s eyes to respond. Without talking, you are begging them to like you so that you can become friends. You miss out on the first time you held hands, the first time you put your arms around the other person, the first time you kissed, hugged. Samuel and I struggled with all that, having known each other in a carnal way. Then we both got the idea of swing dancing. Bea and Bro taught us for a discounted price, and they want us to start entering contests. When you do swing dancing, you get into the beat of the music, but you get into the rhythm of each other’s heartbeats. You experience something intimate and physical and with your clothes on. … Hey! That sounds like your type of therapy, Aunt Pauline.”
Pauline nodded, “I will gladly tell Dr. Naomi about your idea. The only problem is that Bea and Bro have their cases like yours to advertise their dance lessons. We would have to find a way to pay for that. And for us to do therapy for couple who have gotten too physical too soon, Naomi, Dev, Mashie and I will have to take lessons ourselves. Even with that cost, there will need to be chaperons, and the MacKenzies will need to be paid – much cheaper than a psychologist. You are just a junior in high school. But if you think about it, you could join our team, Menzie.”
Lauren said, “And I’m in kindergarten.”
Pauline nodded, “Yes, you are. And I bet you are doing great.”
Lauren nodded eagerly. “There are four boys and me!”
Bruno said, “Before you get too much in love with this dancing thing, I was wanting to move the family to provide separation between these two. I don’t know if I like the idea of them doing any slow dancing.”
Samuel said, “Let us demonstrate. Give us a beat, Uncle Mashie.”
I started doing a scat to In the Mood. Sorry, it’s the only thing I could think of on the spur of the moment. Samuel and Menzie did a couple of twirls and spins, and then Samuel picked Menzie up. Menzie flipped onto Samuel’s back and spun around. Menzie dropped behind Samuel, and he pulls Menzie between his legs. Then Menzie hopped back into their starting position.
Menzie said, “It’s fun. It’s physical, but nothing that comes close to committing adultery. And it requires each partner to know the other one. That is the biggest problem that I see with getting to the bedroom too soon. You know the physical activity is fun, but do you love the activity or do you love the person? But swing dancing can be brutal if you are out of step with each other. And what you saw was advanced. And Samuel and I both do workouts with weights just to keep the muscles toned. And if Bobby does not have things reprogrammed, moving away only changes the person to whom he is doing bad things. The same goes for Cecilia, excuse me, Silly. My grandmama made me sleep with one boy who only wanted to make a girl pregnant. I never saw him again. Samuel was forced to sleep with me to ‘become a man,’ but the person that did that has gone through therapy. But Samuel himself was different. He wanted a relationship. We found that relationship with each other, and we individually found that relationship with Jesus.”
Silvia sighed, “And you said that the girl from the rich part of town got pregnant with an IUD? I do not want Silly having a daughter starting kindergarten when she has not even gotten out of high school.”
Pauline said that the doctors think it was not inserted properly, and then due to Carla’s strenuous lifestyle, playing softball and golf at the college level and all the workouts in the gym to stay in shape, it then became completely detached. But the insertion not being properly done is the main thing in their minds. And Carla and Brenton could not be happier.
Pauline had noticed that Silly was very quiet. It was like she had shrunk.
Silly raised a hand and asked if she could speak. “Dr. Pauline, I told you when I first got here that I did not think I needed therapy. I did not think I had done anything wrong. But when your husband talked about a female dog that backs up to the fence so that a strange dog can do things, I have been rethinking everything. If I had not followed my brother to the Danville house, it might have stopped with those two doing it and nothing else. I was taught that when someone touched me where the swimsuit goes to run away and tell my parents. When Desiree did that to me, I didn’t run away. I liked what she was doing, but I refused to get in bed with my brother. Yuck! But then, I mentioned that I had a crush on Bobby, and Desiree got Bobby involved. None of this would have happened if it were not for me.”
Pauline sighed, “Having interviewed Desiree, it would have happened, but you and Bobby would not have been a part of it. Then again, Billy and Bobby were friends, and that might have happened anyway. But you have come a long way, just in our introduction. Thank you for sharing.”
Silly said, “And after the Mexican came, we wouldn’t remember what we did, but then the memories would come back. I remembered doing bad things with grown men. I only wanted to do it with Bobby, but I remember seeing him doing things with grown women. And the sick thing is that we both kept coming back for more. I don’t know why. Bobby is the only one that I wanted.”
At this, she broke down, sobbing. Silvia wrapped her arms around her.
Lauren came over and asked, “Can I hug you too?”
Cecilia “Silly” Johns reached down and swooped Lauren into her arms.
Silvia said, “Menzie, you must be a wonderful mother. Lauren is a sweet child.”
Menzie smiled, “I did what I could, but we have a village at Lily the Pink. Mom has done a lot. Then there’s Mommie Pinkie and Grannie Fannie. But, Lauren has always been a sensitive child.”
Cecilia and Bobby both wanted to continue the therapy sessions. Pauline said that they would have separate times, and if she had a conflict with the time slot, she would let them know as soon as she could. While Bruno Rubenski and Silvia Johns went to the kitchen door that led out to the patio, the children went through the door to let Caulk, Perry, and Rhoda sniff them. With the procedure complete, the children went to Beauty’s dog run to see the tiny puppies.
I overheard Bruno suggest to Silvia that the top secret asset in the neighborhood must be General Bellovry. But they were going to keep it quiet. The retired general was a wonderful addition to the neighborhood. It sounded like Bruno was less inclined to move away. Even if they talked, their misinformation would not betray the Levys, the Jetsons, or us.
With our guests gone, Baffy was already thinking of names. We had one male puppy and three female puppies. But we had to explain that once the Yeggs and the Levys got their dog runs and the puppies were weaned, they would each get one of the dogs. But that left Baffy going bonkers thinking of two girls’ names. She knew Uncle Jacob Levy would want the boy. We did too. When the girl dogs get in heat, they could lock the boy up if he was their only dog.
Credits
The Perils of Pauline was a movie serial that started in 1914. It defined many serials that followed, including the Perils of Pauline “moment,” the cliffhanger that caused you to return to the theater for the next installment.
The Chicago Seven started as the Conspiracy 8. These eight people were tried for conspiracy to disrupt the Democratic Party Convention in Chicago in 1968. Bobby Seale, co-founder of the Black Panther Party, was dropped from the group due to a mistrial. The others were an eclectic group, some pacifists, some violent revolutionaries. All seven were anti-Vietnam and counterculture activists. The Tracy 7 comprised of the two black lawncare guys and their “undocumented alien” Mexican boss (supplying the drugs that included roofies), the owner of the laundromat and her elder daughter, Darla Danville, and the ringleader, but not quite sixteen, Darla’s daughter Desiree Danville.
Pauline’s therapy technique was designed to not look like a psychologist therapy session, but I have heard Pauline’s lament about how psychologist’s only listen from several sources, one being a psychology professional.
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